A bit dated but.....
Q) What's Freddy Mercury doing this Saturday night?

A) Babysitting for Anne Diamond.


Ouch!
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:00, Reply)

what's black and white and
red all over?



a black man screwing a white 4 year old.
(That guy with a hat., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:58, Reply)

sorry laydees
Q. What's the difference between a woman & a fridge?

A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
(Paul Skinback, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:58, Reply)

babies?
Q:why do put a baby in a blender feet first?

A:so you can see the look on its face.


Q:How can you tell its bed time at michael jackson's house?

A:The big hand reaches the little hand.


I'd be amazed if these ain't been posted before, but i haven't seen them yet.
(mister smang, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:57, Reply)

Another Gary Glitter joke?
Have you heard the lyric to Glitter's next song:
"I love, you love, you're only two, love"
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:54, Reply)

Just a Few...
Q: What's green and brown and goes up and down?
A: A dead baby in a lift.

Q: What's the best part of shagging twenty-five-year-olds?
A: There's twenty of them.

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: The seven-year-old in my basement.

Q: What's the worst part of nailing a baby to a wall?
A: Having to pry it off again every time you're horny.

...and finally, the most evil joke of all time:
Q: What's the worst part of raping five-year-olds?
A: Washing the blood out of your clown suit.

I've got more, I just hope the missus doesn't get to read the pure evil that is the dark side of my sense of humour...
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:53, Reply)

hmmm...topical
Reuters, 9th September
Tragedy struck in Russia recently after the ill conceived, "Take a Chechen Rebel to School Day" got out of hand. Russian officials vow that next year they will return to the, "Fun With Borsht Day" that has proved to be so popular, and so safe in the past.
(spaghetti sideshow, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:52, Reply)

a father is in the bath with his three year-old son.

Child: Daddy, why is my willy different to yours?

Father: Well son, yours isn't erect.
( shin0r, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:52, Reply)

How do you make a 7 year old cry?
Wipe the blood off your dick on her favourite teddy.
(Boots, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:49, Reply)

Racist jokes aren't sick or funny:
the point of joke punchlines is the amusement value inherent in not knowing what the outcome will be. Racist jokes are just boring. We all know darkies are inferior.*


* /getting into the spirit of the question
( TV's Nosemonkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:48, Reply)

What do you call a female clown?
A clunt.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:47, Reply)

how do you stop the birds shitting on your bonnet
pull out slowly
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:45, Reply)

HITLER and the HEADGEHOGS
Hitler walks into the meeting room and turns to his trusted staff.
“I want you to organise the execution or 10,000 Jews and 10,000 hedgehogs”

Everyone looks around the table and after a long silence, Goering pipes up
“Mein fuhrer why do you want to kill 10,000 hedgehogs”

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest or the table
“You see, no one cares about the Jews”
(JLB8, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:45, Reply)

Bee Keepers
Two Bee Keepers are conversing about their vocation,

One says: I've got two hundred thousand Bees, in seven hives, how about you?
Two says: five hundred thousand bees now. Two hives.
One says: five hundred thousand? two hives?
Two says: fuck em. they're only Bees.
(Lord_Of_The_Wild_Frontier, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:44, Reply)

I heard one..
Q) What did the boy who was sat in his room, wanking off icecream music see?

A) His mum coming in with a cup of blended baby!

Hahahha, cracks me off every time! *wipes tear*
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:44, Reply)

Whats brown and smells of pine?
A turd in a Radox bath.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:44, Reply)

Joke
Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore?


A dead epileptic..
(Bishygrip, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:44, Reply)

very long joke (no apologies, because I'm a bastard)
One day, little Timmy is walking home from school on Friday afternoon when he sees a poster which says "Circus in town on Saturday - 20p admission". Timmy rushes home, opens his piggy bank and finds that he has exactly 20p. He sleeps with the coin held tight in his hand all night, and wakes up the next morning, ready to go to the circus.

He gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy's hand shoots up in the air, and he screams "ME ME ME!!!". The clowns pick him out of the audience.

The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy". The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter, and Timmy rushes out of the circus in tears. He decides then that he will get those clowns back for what they did.

During the year, Timmy gets a job to save up some money. Then he sets aside 20p for the circus, and uses the rest of the money he earns to take night classes to teach him the art of witty come-backs. The next year rolls around, and Timmy once again sees the circus poster. He gets the 20p he had saved for the circus, and holds it tight in his hand all night, ready to go to the circus the next morning.

The morning finally arrives, and he gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy knows that the clowns won't recognise him, since they've been travelling around the country all year, so he puts his hand up. Once again, the clowns pick him out of the audience.

The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy", this time with much less boyish enthusiasm, as if he's going through the motions. The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter.

At that point, Timmy stands square up to the clowns. He looks them in the eye, and with a steely determination, replies...




FUCK OFF YOU RED-NOSED CUNTS
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Hopefully this isn't a repeat...
... as it's very very old but:-

What's better than Winning gold in the Para-Olympics?

Being able to walk....
(Dave_of_the_Dead, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:42, Reply)

....
Quasimodo has been chasing Esmerelda for years, with no luck. Finally, she takes pity on him and decides to sleep with him.
After the act, and Quasimodo has gone to sleep, Esmerelda is so sickened by what she has done that she throws up all over poor Quasi.
The next morning, Quasi looks at the mess and asks what the hell it is. Esmerelda is ashamed, but tells the truth.
"Thank Christ for that," he says, "I thought my hump had burst!"
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:41, Reply)

did you hear about the crippled chav?
his wheelchair was always up on bricks

:O


also he was a cu....
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:41, Reply)

Whats blue and paints the fence?
Look! He's my mexican and I'll paint him any colour I want!
(Lord_Of_The_Wild_Frontier, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:41, Reply)

A few I can remember being told
Q:How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A:Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it is from.

Q:What's the difference between sand and menstrual fluid?
A:You can't strain sand through your teeth.

I heard Pul McCartney gave his wife Heather Mills a plane for Christmas.
.
.
.
But she'll still have to use Immac on her other leg.
(serenissima is the most serene. And don't frigging forget it!, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:40, Reply)

Young lad is in the bath with his mom
he looks down between her legs and asks , whats that mummy, she says thats where your father hit me with an axe, he says he must be a good shot he got you right in the cunt.
(Punkrockbilly, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:40, Reply)

A few jokes:
Why do women have two holes so close together? So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

How do you tell if a woman is wearing tights?
When she farts, her ankles swell.

Did you hear about the man who owned a dog with no legs?
He called it cigarette, because every night he'd take it out for a drag.


Little Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother "Mummy, where do I come from?"
Not wanting to teach her son a pack of lies, she takes off all her clothes and shows him.
"Thanks Christ for that," says little Johnny, "another inch and I'd have been a turd."
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:38, Reply)

why do chicks dig Harold Shipman?
he's well-hung
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:38, Reply)

What's got four legs and goes "Woof!"?

The Piper Alpha Platform.

Do I win a point for least topical joke?

Hmm, like the wife giving head, I've been beaten to it. Boom, boom!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:37, Reply)

there's a guy in a works canteen....
.. sat at a table eating his meal, when this bloke with sores and ulcers all over his face walks up carrying a tray.

'do you mind if i sit here' says the bloke with the tray 'it's just all the other seats are taken'

'no problem' says the guy at the table

'are you sure' says the guy with the tray ' it's just that i have leprosy, I fully understand if you find that concept or my appearance unpalatable'

'as I said, no problem' repeats the seated guy.

presently the leper sits down and starts to tuck into his food, after a while he happens to glace up at the guy seated across from him, as he does so he notices the guy looking at him and gagging as if about to spew up.

'Look really' says the leper 'if you find my appearance offensive I will move'

'no' says the guy 'it's not you'

The leper doubting this claim reluctantly continues his meal, quite soon after catches sight of the guy biting his hand to stop himself throwing up....

'I will MOVE if you WANT ME to, it's not a problem you know' exclaims the leper

'No really it's not you, honestly' says the guy.

Again the leper returns to his meal but still suspicious of his companion chances another glance up just as.

'UUUULP! BLEEEAAAAAARGH!' the guy across from the leper barfs up his lunch, there's diced carrot soup and all sorts of nasty steaming shit splattered all over the table..

'See! SEEE!' cries the leper 'I KNEW IT!, it's my fault ISN'T IT!, I knew this would happen! all you needed to do was tell me sit somewhere else!'

'IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!' says the guy wiping spew off his chin

'not my fault?, NOT MY FAULT? if it's not my FAULT THEN WHO'S IS IT EH?' wails the leper...

'It that fucking cunt there behind you' says the man pointing at the next table 'dipping his fucking chips in your neck'....
(d1x1e, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:37, Reply)

man walking through the woods with a young girl
The girls starts crying , the man asks why are you crying "im scared " she replies , he says how do you think i feel i ,ve got to walk back on my own..
(Punkrockbilly, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:36, Reply)