the single greatest joke in the world
what do you call a dead man utd fan?

A good start

What do you call two dead man utd fans?

Holly and Jessica


ifanku
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Woman has had 5 kids during a healthy 20 year old marriage...
and after that many kids, her 'highway to happiness' is now hanging just a little low. Lets not split hairs about this, its a badly wrapped kebab, and resembles more than a little a ripped out fireplace in a stately home, so, with the blessing of her hubby, she goes to have a little plastic surgey down 'down below' to tighten and trim things up, as not only will it look better, but there won't be an echoing when she pees....

She wakes up from the surgey, and on gazing down the bed, noticed three red roses at the foot of the bed, each has a note attached to it, so gingerly, she reaches down to the first rose and reads the message...

Dear Mrs. Angelbuns, this is from your surgeon, Just wanted to congratulate you on what has been a most successful operation. In 15 years of doing this, I've never had a better patient, hope you enjoy your trimmed assets! Best wishes, your surgeon...

She then gets the second rose and message...

Dear Jules, this is from your ever loving husband. Can't wait to get you home again and try out the 'new equipment' be great to feel the sides again and act like teeneagers all over again, fucking and scrwwing like theres no tomorrow. With love, your Hubby..

Then, inevitably, she gets to the third rose and message, wich simply reads...

From Eric, in the Burns Unit next door........ Thanks for the new Ears.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:04, Reply)

There was a young lady from Neath
who pulled back foreskins with her teeth.
It wasn't for kicks
that she did these tricks,
but to get at the cheese underneath.
(meagle, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:45, Reply)

How do you know your sister's on her period?
Your dad's cock tastes funny.
( grey matter, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:44, Reply)

vietnamese
usually the Vietnamese don't celebrate christmas but i've heard this year they might hang glitter!
( Lilith, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Similarly to northern seth's effort
How do you tell the difference between an Aussie and a Kiwi?

Ask them if they've ever fucked a 12 year old.

A kiwi will answer "Don't be disgusting mate!"

An Aussie will answer "A twelve year old what?"
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:42, Reply)

Whats the best thing...
about fucking twenty-eight year olds?


There's 20 of them

Arf!
I'm ere all week. Try the fish
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Practical Jokes Are Jokes Too
I have a flat mate known as Will the Bastard and his title is well deserved. I met him on the first day of uni and one of the first things he told me were these 'fun games' to play.

Angry Pirate.
After pulling a girl at a night club you take her home and do her doggy style. Before your chap shoots his load pull out and spit on her back so she thinks you've finished the deed. When she turns round shoot your load into her eye. She'll hold her hand over it like an eye-patch and shout ARRRRR!

Buck-A-Roony.
Your mates conceal themselves in your room before you bring a girl back there. Get down to the dirty deed, once more doing her doggy. When all your chums jump out and shout BUCK-A-ROONY you have to grab on to the tart and see how long you can hold on.

Fat Bitch Baiting.
Go up to the fattest, ugliest girl you can find in a club, wrap your arms tightly around her and whisper "you're the ugliest bitch I've ever seen." See how long you can hold on for.

You get bonus points if you play all 3 on the same girl.
(The Lump is malignant, unlike those pansy benign tumours, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:35, Reply)

rape jokes
Its not rape if you shout SURPRISE first

Happened to mention this to a girl i had just met, who had been raped not once but twice. shut me up for a good twenty seconds
(sugarplum, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:34, Reply)

A leper went to see a whore.
After having his way with her, while he was paying, his parting words were "don't worry, you can keep the tip".
(meagle, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:33, Reply)

I offended someone with this:
I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:29, Reply)

Paul MaCartney has bough his wife a plane for Xmas
But she'll still use a razor on the other leg!
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:27, Reply)

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it."
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:21, Reply)

Got a couple probably already here but hey
What's pink, 10 inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?
Cot death.

how do you know your sisters on her period?
from the tast of you dads dick.

Why did so many black people die in Vietnam?
Cos when they were told to 'get down' they got up and started dancing!
(Starzy had a headache on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:17, Reply)

Whats
Whats black and blue and doesnt like sex?

Little boy in the boot of my car
(loquis, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:13, Reply)

oooh just remembered another one but poss. bindun
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono
(Labradoodle, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:04, Reply)

A rich woman has been lonely all her life,
so puts an ad in a Lonely Hearts column, saying "lovely gentleman wanted to share life, love and fortune with. Conditions: 1) won't beat me up, 2) won't run away, 3) good in bed."

Predictably, she gets hundreds of offers, but none are suitable. Eventually she answers her doorbell to see a man with no arms and no legs.
"Who are you?" asks she.
"I'm your dream husband!" replies he, "I've got no arms so I can't beat you up, and no legs so I can't run away."
"Are you good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


Not offensive, but quite rude.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:02, Reply)

Two piles of sick are walking down the road on a Saturday night
as they do.

They walk past a pub and one says to t'other:

"Jebus - that place looks a right shit-hole..."

Says his nauseous friend:

"Don't say that - I was brought up in there..."

_{you did ask}
(Labradoodle, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:02, Reply)

Gary Glitter is to star in the next series of Doctor Who
He is to have two female companions K-9
and Sharon - 12
( Clairebare Back once again with the Ill behaviour, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:00, Reply)

baby
A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down.

"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."

"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."

"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."

"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."

"And it hasn't got any arms either."

"What?"

"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."

"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."

"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... unfortunately, your child is deaf."
(Majic, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 13:55, Reply)

So if you are reading this
in my profile, you are expecting something else?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Tue 6 Dec 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Limerick
My favorite sick limerick.

There was a young chap called dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said, I admit,
she does smell a bit,
but look at the money I save.
(caspar_ghodd, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 13:52, Reply)

OK.
A black man and an Asian man fall off the roof of a tall building. Who hits the ground first?

The Black man, cos the Asian is a shade lighter.
( ArghZombies No longer has a Leaky QUIM, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 12:21, Reply)

Good one
Why did God make black people smell so bad?

So blind people can hate them too.
(Wrecked Tums, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 11:12, Reply)

hmmm
what's better than fucking a baby?

Nothing

.
(he who walks, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 11:08, Reply)

*cringe*
What do you call a paki that doesn't smell?

Asif
(finbarr, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 10:31, Reply)