World's Sickest JokeTell us your jokes.
(
God - smiting mortals since 4004 BC, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:01)
This question is now closed.
dead babies.....q) what do you get if you put a dead baby in a blender?
a) an erection
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:28, Reply)
World's Sickest JokeWhat's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:19, Reply)
O the shame. . . .Last night i was wiping away the clingons from the brown otter i had just left in the shitter and my finger went through the paper. . .
I passed a little droplet of piss with the excitement!!
p.s haven't washed my hands yet. . . . . .
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:17, Reply)
Joke 3What's white and hangs in the corner of a room?
Jill Dando's wedding dress.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:08, Reply)
must have bindun, buthow do you get a gay man to fuck your missus?
shit in her cunt.
*badoomtisch*
(
shin0r, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:05,
Reply)
JokeWhat's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking in a housefire.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 17:05, Reply)
apologies for the length.It was early may and Timmy had been working with the blind people again, today's trip was a day out to the zoo.
On the way back everyone had said what a lovely time they'd all had, and to round off the evening Timmy thought
it would be nice to have a quick pint in the picturesque pub they we about to pass. Timmy drove the bus into the
car park and told everyone to get out, he had a special football in the back of the bus he thought he'd get it out
as this would keep everyone quite whilst he enjoyed he cold pint of lager. He got the group together on the grass
to the front of the pub gave them the ball and explained this was a special ball with bells in, all they had to do
was to listen out for the bells and kick it.
Timmy entered the pub and ordered a cold pint of lager from the stunning bar maid, he was drinking the pint trying
to chat up the barmaid when someone burst in screaming "THERE IS A BUNCH OF ANIMALS OUTSIDE!", Timmy says "Animals?
I have a group of blind people outside, I hope you are not referring to them" the man replies "They are animals,
they're outside the front of the pub kicking the shit out of the Morris dancers!"
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:53, Reply)
Of course, these have been done before, I'd imagine, but...There's no way I'm going through 46 pages of sickness just to find it...
What's the difference between Smarties and Londoners?
Smarties don't blow up in the tube...
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
Wheelchair...
(I have a friend with the sickest sense of humour ever... Apologies to those who may be offended, and a *spang!* with a frying pan, for going on the sick jokes question. Fool!)
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:44, Reply)
Swedish ChemistNot sick, but a fav of mine...
A man walks into a chemist in Sweden and says "Scuuse mee, eye'd lyke tu bye sum deohderhant pleez"
The Chemist replies "Sir-tan-lee! wot kynde? ball? or Aresole?"
Man replies "Neither! i vant it four mi arempits!"
Sorry, my Swedish is kinda rusty. *Vows never to post again (but intends to post many many!)*
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:40, Reply)
Q,How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?A,The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:37, Reply)
did youhear about the magic tractor?
it turned into a field
nice and childish to dilute all the dead baby jokes
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:32, Reply)
Q) What's pink and crawls up the inside of a woman's leg?A) A home sick abortion
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:27, Reply)
Baby jokes!Why did the baby stop crying?
cos i smacked it with a shovel!
Why didnt the baby eat its dinner?
Cos i nailed its face to the table!
Why do you lower a baby feet first into a blender?
So u can sum on its face!
Why couldnt the baby get through the door?
Cos it had a spear through its head!
Whats blue and orange and lays at the bottom of a swimmnig pool?
A baby with burst armbands!
Whats Pink and red and sits in the corner crying?
A baby with a razor blade...
Whats green, smelly and silently sits in the same corner?
Same baby 6 months later!
"So a Father, mother, son, daughter and baby boy walk into a talent scouts office..."
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:15, Reply)
a couple of my fave jokesq) Whats the best thing about getting a blow job from an Eithiopian?
a)You know she'll swallow
q)What do you call an Eithiopian with a yeast infection?
a)A quarter pounder with cheese.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:11, Reply)
hope you've not heard these beforeWhat's blue and fucks old ladies?
Me in my lucky blue jacket
another one!
Whats brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and with "T", and have a "U" and an "N" in it?
A Coconut!
My Fav
What do you call an all black abortion clinic?
Crime Stoppers!!
did u hear about the reverse exorcism...
...the devil couldnt get the priest out of the boy
told that one on a bus full of girls. needless to say i didnt get any that weekend...
I got a new bactch of viagra eye drops... dont give ya a stiffy but they make ya look hard!!
I took a viagra the other day and it got stuck in my throat...ive been walking round with a stiff neck for days!!
I stole a load of viagra from a chemist.. does that make me a hardened criminal!!
Babies in heaven
Three babies die and get sent to the pearly gates.
St Pete looks at the first little white baby and says "Here are some wings little white baby, you can be a Cherebim" and with that the little baby flutters up to heaven.
St Pete looks at the second little white baby and says "Here are some wings little white baby, you can be a Seraphim" and with that the little baby flutters up to heaven.
St Pete looks at the third little black baby and says "Here are some wings little black baby, you can be a Bat".
Why are smear tests called smear tests?
Women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Why do old ladies not get smear tests?
have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie?
A woman went on a fishing trip with 7 men. she came back with a big red snapper
I used to do a bit of factory work in between semesters at uni. One day the guys were telling off colour jokes when i whipped out the two smear test jokes. turns out i completely misjudged the situation and was met with the most awkward silence i have ever encountered broken only by one man saying "My wife really hates smear tests. they sound horriffic" followed by a 20 minute conversation on the horrors of the smear. i wanted to die.
Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he’s found the cause of his problem. ‘Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine,’ says the medic. ‘The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache.’ Joe is appalled. ‘Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?’ he asks. ‘I’m afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles,’ says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex – but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor’s, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, ‘You’ll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg.’ Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor’s eye, and asks for a shirt. ‘That’ll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck,’ the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. ‘36?’ guesses the tailor incorrectly. ‘No, sorry, I’m a 34,’ Joe says. ‘I’ve worn a 34 since I was 18.’ ‘This is not possible,’ frowns the tailor. ‘If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches.’
(Donkey Gums, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:10 , I like this! )
Daft Racist
What do you call a Paki in a bullet proof vest?
Pting
A man phones into work one monday morning:
man: i can't come in today, i'm sick
boss: what's the matter?
man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son
boss: will you be in tuesday?
What's the difference between sick jokes and racist jokes?
nothing apparently
One I made up...
What's the worst thing about your your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday?
Being tried as an adult.
how do you know it's safe to rape a baby?
easy, it's stopped bleeding from the last time.
What do you call a dog that smells of fish?
Jordan.
Why do all Irish people think they can sing?
because they're fucking useless at everything else.
Whats red and bubbly and scratches at your window?
a baby in a microwave...
oh.
How do you know if a catholic priest is a paedophile?
ask him 2 questions
Are you catholic?
Are you a priest?
Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
you can use a pitchfork on the dead babies...
Why do the irish drink guiness?
because they're too think to know if they're drinking piss.
q) why does the beast know so many sick jokes?
a) cos he has 2 dads
Why do niggers smell?
so you can tell where they are in the dark.
what's brown and sticky?
a stick
Why do they put retards in institutions?
so nobody else has to look at them.
How do you tell if a coon is lying?
He's breathing
What do you call a barman who never stops complaining?
Australian
Why are Pakistan so crap at football?
Because every time they get a corner, they build a shop.
you told it wrong. You're supposed to say it like "Neil Armstrong was the first man to WALK on the MOON, whereas Michael Jackson.... shags children".
slightly out of date but meh
whats yellow and plugs into the wall?
george best
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:08, Reply)
another one!Whats brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and with "T", and have a "U" and an "N" in it?
A Coconut!
*bows*
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:05, Reply)
My FavWhat do you call an all black abortion clinic?
Crime Stoppers!!
First post, and no, im not in the Klan *takes off unusually large pointy white hat*
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:04, Reply)
did u hear about the reverse exorcism......the devil couldnt get the priest out of the boy
told that one on a bus full of girls. needless to say i didnt get any that weekend...
although that was probably because my face :-(
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:59, Reply)
VIAGRA!!!I got a new bactch of viagra eye drops... dont give ya a stiffy but they make ya look hard!!
I took a viagra the other day and it got stuck in my throat...ive been walking round with a stiff neck for days!!
I stole a load of viagra from a chemist.. does that make me a hardened criminal!!
i thank you *bows and Leaves*
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:51, Reply)
Babies in heavenThree babies die and get sent to the pearly gates.
St Pete looks at the first little white baby and says "Here are some wings little white baby, you can be a Cherebim" and with that the little baby flutters up to heaven.
St Pete looks at the second little white baby and says "Here are some wings little white baby, you can be a Seraphim" and with that the little baby flutters up to heaven.
St Pete looks at the third little black baby and says "Here are some wings little black baby, you can be a Bat".
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:35, Reply)
A text i got from my mumSorry i haven't been in touch recently, there was a blackout on our street and we werent allowed out till they shot the cunt.
(
Munky Boy today I am back., Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:24,
Reply)
Why are smear tests called smear tests?Women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Why do old ladies not get smear tests?
have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie?
A woman went on a fishing trip with 7 men. she came back with a big red snapper
I used to do a bit of factory work in between semesters at uni. One day the guys were telling off colour jokes when i whipped out the two smear test jokes. turns out i completely misjudged the situation and was met with the most awkward silence i have ever encountered broken only by one man saying "My wife really hates smear tests. they sound horriffic" followed by a 20 minute conversation on the horrors of the smear. i wanted to die.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:21, Reply)
...Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he’s found the cause of his problem. ‘Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine,’ says the medic. ‘The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache.’ Joe is appalled. ‘Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?’ he asks. ‘I’m afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles,’ says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex – but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor’s, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, ‘You’ll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg.’ Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor’s eye, and asks for a shirt. ‘That’ll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck,’ the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. ‘36?’ guesses the tailor incorrectly. ‘No, sorry, I’m a 34,’ Joe says. ‘I’ve worn a 34 since I was 18.’ ‘This is not possible,’ frowns the tailor. ‘If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches.’
(
Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:10,
Reply)
Daft RacistWhat do you call a Paki in a bullet proof vest?
Pting
Thank You Im here all Week
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:06, Reply)
A man phones into work one monday morning:man: i can't come in today, i'm sick
boss: what's the matter?
man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son
boss: will you be in tuesday?
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:00, Reply)
This question is now closed.