My Fave at the Mo
What is black and white and red all over


A fucked Nun
(djdanwhite, Wed 4 Jan 2006, 13:49, Reply)

i wish to die like my grandad.
in his sleep...



not kicking and screaming like his passengers
( Sir T. Skellington, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 18:57, Reply)

my father died of asbestos poisioning
...


took bloody ages to cremate him
( Sir T. Skellington, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 18:56, Reply)

This one is the winner
Mummy, mummy - my sister's having her first period
How do you know?
Well Dad's cock tastes different
(throstle, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 17:29, Reply)

Joey Deacon goes up to an ice-cream van,
and says "MUUURGH! I WANT AN ICE CREAM!"
"Raspberry Ripple?" asked the ice cream man;
"YEAH," replied Joey: "AND I'M A SPASTIC TOO! UUUUUUUURM!"

*flails arms wildly in search of coat*
(Flagrant Tendencies, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Probly dunalready but I like it so tough.
Guy goes to a whore-house. After asking for a quick, cheap shag, he is shown into a dark room with one bed a naked lady lying there ready.

He sets to work. He pushes in for all he’s worth, gicing it his all…it had been a while for him and he wasn’t really looking to please her anyways. As he buries himself as deep as he can go, she spits in his face. He knows this is the cheapest shag he is gonna get and so wipes his face and goes in for another almighty push, the bitch spits in his face again! Having enough this time he goes back to reception to complain at the lack of respect this whore is showing him.

Finishing his rant, he waits while the fat controller on reception hollers to the joke of security, the fat guys come over….guys I need you to go empty the stiff in room 10.

She’ll be ready again soon sir if ya want to wait.
(booboobidou, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 15:33, Reply)

lol
I had a wet dream about you last night.....

You got hit by a bus and i pissed myself

:D LOLZZZ
(arse_biscuit, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 15:30, Reply)

Hah
Q: What's small, pink, and can't turn around in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javelin through it's head.
( Blork krolB, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 15:01, Reply)

another
Q: Whats the definition of suspicion?

A: Hotdogs with veins
(brotagaia, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 7:24, Reply)

:D
Q: whats the definition of agony?

a1: sliding down a 40ft razor blade using your balls as brakes

or

a2: a one armed man hanging off the edge of a cliff with itchy balls
(brotagaia, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 7:23, Reply)

I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke:
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your washing.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said

"He choked on a sock".
( Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Mon 2 Jan 2006, 21:32, Reply)

heh
q: what do you call a spanish woman with no legs?

a: cuntswaylo

don't think this one has been done yet...
(brotagaia, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 15:46, Reply)

how do you get 20 babies into a lorry?
pitchfork


i am so so very sorry
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 14:51, Reply)

Bit of an unlikely one, but bear with me....
There are 3 people on a private jet. Pope John Paul II, David Beckham, and a 7 year old schoolgirl.

Halfway through the flight, at 30,000 feet, the co pilot comes back, to tell them that both engines are on fire, and that they have to abandon the plane by parachute.

The problem is, there are only 2 spare chutes, and 3 passengers.

On hearing this, Beckham grabs a chute and is straight out the door, without any thought for the other 2 passengers.

Which then left Pope JPII, and the little girl, with one chute.

"It's ok little girl" said the Pope. "I have led a good life, I am friends with God, I have nothing to fear through death.... you on the other hand are young, you have your whole life ahead of you... you take the chute my child, I'll remain"

The little girl thinks for a moment, and replies:

"That won't be necessary your popeness.... David grabbed my rucksack and jumped out of the door....."

Apologies for existing.....
(assistant commissioner terra blanche, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 14:33, Reply)

......

Apologies it this has an air of alreadydoneness...

What's the difference between a catholic priest, and acne?

Acne usually waits for puberty to start before coming onto a boys face......
(assistant commissioner terra blanche, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 14:23, Reply)

I've got another!
Did you hear that Michael Jackson came down with food poisioning?

He ate a 10 year old weiner.

Another:

What's the Michael Jackson got in common with caviar?

They both come on little white crackers.
(syz, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 13:28, Reply)

Sorry if it's been done, but;
Whats worst than finding 10 dead babies in a bin?
Finding one dead baby in 10 bins.

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a ferari?
I dont have a ferrari in my garage.

All for now..sorry about length :D
(syz, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 13:24, Reply)

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.


Sorry.
( pxyzyzygy, Sun 1 Jan 2006, 2:00, Reply)

We've all been there
This may have been posted already, but I'm buggered if I'm going to read through 57 pages just to check. Chance'd be a fine thing.

After a plane crash, the only three survivors - one woman and two men - wash up on a desert island.
They manage to find food and shelter, and after a while, certain "urges" take their course.
Much bumping of uglies occurs, but later the woman develops a deep depression about never leaving the island, so she kills herself. Well, wouldn't you?

Anyways, now we're left with our two intrepid male heroes. After a while, certain "urges" take their course. This goes on for a few weeks, until one says to the other:
"Look, I know desperate times call for desperate measures, but I'm just not comfortable with what we've been doing together. It's just not right."
"You're right. Let's bury her."

Zing.

Oh and a friend sent this oh-so-savoury text:
"I just raped this deaf and dumb chick, but I broke her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone."

As an epileptic myself, I would like to say that Citadel90's joke is great. As we all know:
If it doesn't start fitting at flashing images, it's not funny.
(FrancoSayRelax, Sat 31 Dec 2005, 14:04, Reply)

Another one on Diana
Did you hear? Diana was on the radio.
Yeah?
Yeah, and on the dashboard... and on the steering wheel....
(Dr Slurkie Slurkie, Sat 31 Dec 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Ye olde
Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. Whatever the hell you want, it's still not gonna come when it's called.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Sat 31 Dec 2005, 1:27, Reply)

Probably been done
Q: Why was Ragedy Ann taken out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinnochios face and screaming, "LIE TO ME!"
(If your not a manc your a wank, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 22:44, Reply)

A drug runner
A drug runner was running his operation out of a creamatorium.

Getting a tip the cops were on to him, he tried to burn his entire stash in the cremation furnace.

The smoke poured out the chimney and into the woods where a flock of terns were roosting for the night.

Not a tern was left unstoned.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 22:08, Reply)

Two men go to a football game.
Two men go to a football game, and as luck would have it, their seats are below the giant replay screen, and they have to turn around each time the watch the replay.

Finally, one of the guys notice that one of the women in the stands is wearing a short skirt and sitting with her legs open. "Oh, man!" says the first guy, "and she's not wearing any panties! You can see her thick black bush!"

"No way, man," the other guy says, "that's just black granny panties."

"Nuh uh! It's hair!"
"Panties"
"Hair"
"Pan-ties!"

"Okay, we'll settle this," says the first guy, "I'll go up and get us more beer, and when I walk past I'll get a closer look." So he walks up. A few minutes later he comes back with the beer.

"So what was it? Panties or hair?" the second man asks.

"Neither. It's flies."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 22:03, Reply)

Man goes into a whorehouse...
Man goes into a whorehouse, "But I don't have much money," he expalins to the Madame. So she sets him up with a "budget" girl.

In the room, he's going down on her and feels something in his mouth. He spits it into his hand and it's a piece of corn. He just shruggs and throws it away.

A minute later, he gets something else in his mouth, and it's a pea. "She must have had some food sex before me," he figures. "Anyway, I'm getting my money's worth!" and goes back to it.

Next he gets a piece of green bean in his mouth. He spits it out and gets up. "My God, woman, what all you got up there? I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Well," the woman answers, "the last guy was."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 21:56, Reply)

Divorce court
Micky Mouse is filing for divorce from Minnie.

The judge asks: "So Mr. Mouse, you are filing for divorce from Mrs. Mouse on grounds of insanity."

"No, Your Honor," Mickey replies, "for infidelity."

The judge checks his notes, "But your papers say insanity."

"I didn't say she was insane," Mickey explains, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 21:49, Reply)

Why can't...
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

At 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 21:46, Reply)

Q: What's worse than a dead cat on your piano?
A: A diseased pussy on your organ.

.
(Skippyfillet, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 15:46, Reply)

Apartheid Air
Seth Effrican Airways 747 is about to plunge to earth unless some passengers are dumped overboard.

Captain says "we will do this in alphabetical order. First, any africans, blacks or colourds?"

No answer from the passengers.

The little black boy asks his dad, "aren't we african or black?"

"No son, today we are Zulus"
(Chromodynamix Chromodynamix, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 11:33, Reply)

Damn Pigs........
What animal has a cock in the middle of its back?


Policehorse.....

/relurk
(Charlie big bananas, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 11:26, Reply)