I don't use the internet, so here's a real life gaffe
Like the time working behind a bar in a busy venue (The Wildhearts were playing, I got to see them for free, which is nice)a guy came up to the bar, wearing shades. [I have a nasty habit of never thinking before I speak, plus, it was a rock venue, people wear shades indoors to look cool*]

The shades were rather swish too, so I commented on them saying "nice shades", I got his drink for him, and put it on the bar in front of him, and said the price, and he didn't get his wallet out, or hand me money, obviously with The Wildhearts on in the background, my voice would have been drowned out, so I repeated myself, a little louder, and over enunciating the words so not having to rely on hearing me say the price. Still, The Wildhearts being noisy feckers, my voice was drowned out, and he stood there, the gentleman was stood slightly away from the bar, half watching the band, so I leaned over and waved in front of his face to try and get his attention.

It was at this point his carer came over and berated me for mocking the blind.

*I think that wearing shades indoors makes you look a twat**

**Unless you are blind, and therefore perfectly acceptable
(Multi-Coloured Pop Shop "twat with a ukulele", Sat 13 Sep 2008, 15:47, 7 replies)

My mum joined Facebook
And, like most imbeciles, installed any application that was given to her and forwarded the invites.

It's an odd feeling when you get a message saying "Your Mum thinks you're KINKY. Add the KINKY FRIENDS application now"

:/
(__, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 15:42, 2 replies)

Sex
I came over to England from Australia for sex.

No, not for the British birds, but because my girlfriend at the time wanted to come here on a working holiday and I didn't want to stop having sex with her.

Anyway, after a particularly messy breakup, I was left feeling fairly depressed and without a friend whose shoulder I could cry on, so I decided to join MSN with a view to finding some suitably sensitive individual who would sympathise.

As is generally the case with these things, after unloading some of my story on the world at large and receiving a fair few comments along the lines of "grow up, you socially retarded emo-wannabe, get out, meet some people and get a life" (odd given I'm a gregarious, mature, 6'3" blonde surfer-type with a cast-iron upper lip), I finally found someone who seemed to "get" me and sympathise with my plight.

So, after much back-and-forth, I decided to give her the full sordid tale (excerpts follow):

Me: "She left me with no money, no friends and no ticket home. I even took her to my favourite place in the Indonesia on the way over here and she's even managed to poison those memories."

Her: "Jakarta?"

Me: "No, we flew."

Note: parts of the above may not be true.
Edit: location changed for the pedants.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 15:31, 8 replies)

Facebook makes people act like teenagers
In a bad way. If it wasn't for the fact that it's the most conveniant way to keep in touch with mates who are far away I'd just leave it. A couple of things realy piss me off

1)Passive-agreesive status updates "so and so is very upset with someone/lonely/whatever" Meh. If someone has hurt your feelings just tell them - don't mope around trying to get their attention and guilt through your facebook status.

2)Applications - already covered - like you need to know more

3)Targetted marketing ads - means that if I put even the tiniest peice of info on my profile I get swarmed with ads for anything vaugely related.

4)For some reason it's considered the modern equivilent of killing someone's family and burning their house to the ground if you block someone. Even if you don't particuarly like each other and havent actualy spoken face to face for months.

anyway - can't think of anything overly funny to say - so I'll end with a joke - Q. What do you get if you cross a lion with a panda? A. A lifetime ban from working at London Zoo
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 14:00, 3 replies)

Facebook is detrimental to the recovery process
Ever since facebook came around, break-ups have become even more of a nightmare. We split almost a year ago now, and I can go most days without thinking about her, I'd be completely healthy and recovered except it's still like a punch in the nuts when I go on facebook and the status bar reads '**** has the best boyfriend EVER'. Obviously I can't bring this up with her because it's been a year and I'll seem insane, and I can't just block her because she's too important to me and I don't want to lose touch. What's a boy to do?

Apologies for lack of hummus, maybe I should just go and hang out on myspazz with the other emos. Love makes bad poets of us all.
(jabboy, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 13:11, 21 replies)

Social Networking... pfffft
For the people that pick the question:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/all this link shows the most popular "Questions We'd like to ask". TAKE HEED!

Anyway.. to remain on topic...

My girlfriend and I met over myspace, it's not something i like to admit but there is a bit of background to it. I was in canada in April after getting back from a trip to Cuba with the ex-girlfriend. She proclaimed that she was ub0rly bored one day and decided that it'd be a good idea that we both went on myspace chat to annoy the emo's. *sigh*

So this we did, we logged on and there happened to be another french Canadian in the same chat room and i got talking to her. Then 2 months later i broke up with the ex and now 1 year later i'm living in India with that girl.

Wups.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 12:05, Reply)

I went out
wearing brown shoes and a black belt


Oh the shame
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 9:22, 13 replies)

This asian bird
...added me on myspace one day. We started talking, she seemed nice. We met up one day, and she was equally less psycho in real life than online, although her English was better written than spoken. My name is Gavin, so for short she called me Gav, or "Gaff" as she pronounced it.

One day out the blue she arrived at my house with some rods (ooh-er!), some nets and some other fisihing equipment, so we drove to the local lake and started fishing.

We threw the net in, waited for a few minutes then dragged it in. We had no fishes at all, just the net rammed with shells. I was a bit pissed off and thought the net was broken, but we examined further and they were actually Oysters!

She then said to me...
"So shell net working, Gaff?"

/grabs coat
(feels_goodman 's brain cogs whirred at, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 8:53, 4 replies)

these stories aren't as rare as some people seem to think.

I just went on myspace - there's hundreds of social networking goffs.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 8:41, Reply)

Does anyone else on here...
Keep getting spammed off your mum after she found your addy on Facebook?





EDIT: I mean spammed off your own mum. I don't know your mum. Honest.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 8:39, 4 replies)

Not quite on a social network
But it is certainly about networking in a sense.
Used to work with a girl who didn't like her manager at work. To be fair this was probably justified with the managers snippy comments and condesending tones. The manager had no idea about this and thought they were best buds. Sent her a txt from a major festival saying how it was a great day and the sun was shining etc.
Not great to txt that to somebody below you in the work chain when they're working really though.

This girl was so angered she immediately sent me a message which included the words "management cunt" in it.

Guessed the result yet?

She even tried turning the phone off mid sending. No amount of bullshitting got through it though as it was crystal clear who it was regarding.

After that her social networking days at that job were numbered and only lasted a few more months.

Apologies would be in order if I had any length.
(muzzvsworld, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 7:25, Reply)

Network Farce
I worked with this particular person around 3-4 years ago. We're still friends on this network site (not facebook, the other 1) and for whatever reason don't speak much in person.

Still we're still friends right? Except when I went into to her pub a couple of times. She managed to put bring our food out without making eye contact or any acknowledgment. Yet continues to this day to send me quizzes and appplications!
Either she has decided I'm only now an internet friend or afraid to communicate unless it's about "Which Soap Character do you most fancy?"
(muzzvsworld, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 7:19, 2 replies)

This will be my first QOTW post for more than a month
so be nice, OK?

I tried to groom a teenager on Myspace once, but unfortunately he lived in Solihull, and I couldn't find a brush with a long enough handle to reach.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 2:25, 6 replies)

A long time ago
I was fiddling around with my new computer when up popped one of those 'girls looking to chat in your area' type things (You know, the ones where they just show a repeated five second bit of webcam footage to give you the impression there's some sort of live feed). Anyway, I would have ignored it, only there was one thing that was weird - obviously the pop-up had got my IP address wrong, because it kept referring to me as someone else, and not only that, but the name it was using seemed oddly familiar. Eventually I realised that the guy it was referring to was an old mate of my dad's (I know! What are the odds?), so I tracked him down. Anyway, long story short, not only does he know this girl, turns out she's my sister and she wants me to help her go blow up the death star.

Also turns out that stretching the Star Wars saga to include social networking is really fooking difficult.
(jabboy, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 1:24, 6 replies)

Having signed up for a Social Networking Account
I was most surprised to see that somebody on Myspace had mistaken me for somebody else!

Mistakes were made and hilarity did ensue.

Another time, I mistakenly told the wrong person a horrible, dark secret, and they thought less of me for it.

Damn this Social Networking.

/grumble
( SuperWeasel slightly better than the average weasel, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 0:56, 2 replies)

i am a keen fisherwoman
one day, we stood by the lake and my friend dave suggested we tie the fishing nets between the two hooked poles we were using.

"oh," says i "so shall net work in gaffs?"

sorry.
(ladyintheradiator, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 22:25, 2 replies)

Hovis?

( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 21:55, Reply)

i went to one of their bashes
i wont be going again
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 20:53, 5 replies)

unintended pun
After a bad run, I randomly updated my status as "reknaw has just buggered his calf". Cue some 'hilarious' wall postings.

BTW, the more applications, the sadder the person. Fact.
(reknaw, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 18:48, Reply)

Butterface
This was just last weekend.

I'm idly tapping away at the computer when I get a text from my drinking buddy Neil.

"I'm in The Lion with Karen if you fancy a pint"

"Who's Karen?", I replied.

"Girl from work. She's sound but a butterface"

"What on Earth is a butterface?"

"Everything about her's nice but her face. Now - are you coming or not?"

I'm very childish and this new phrase filled me with glee. So much so that before going out I changed my Facebook status to "Jimlad is off for a pint with Neil and a butterface", and off I went.

It turned into a great evening and we ended up doing a pub crawl, club and curryhouse. Karen was lovely and, whilst never likely to grace the pages of Vogue, certainly not deserving of the 'butterface' branding.

Being the geek that I am I was straight on the computer when I got in and sure enough there's Karen amongst Neil's Facebook friends list. Friend request sent, off to bed.

Next afternoon and back online, Karen's accepted my friend request. "Yays!", think I and attend to a few other notifications before getting back to her. But hold on, Karen has also wrote on my wall.

"Hey Jimlad! Great night last night. But what's a butterface?"

Shit. The status update.

She deleted both me and Neil shortly afterward. Oops.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 18:36, 14 replies)

Not strictly a gaffe...
...and certainly not one I've ever done. But finding old friends, accessing their profile and reading "Yea, livin in London innit and earning, like, loadsa money, got 9 Aston Martins" etc. Why do you think that people who haven't seen you in years care how much you earn? I don't log on and think, "hmm, I wonder how much Bignose McFuckface earns these days?" Do you have some sort of complex?

It doesn't make me think, "Oooh look how you've done for yourself." It makes me think you're a cock.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 18:06, 2 replies)

It's amazing
Every bastard one of us seems to have, at some point, roundly abused Facebook / Beebo / Friends Reushited etc, but all of us (me included) seems to have a stock of (un)witty stories about social sites.
I'm beginning to wonder if I can believe anything I see on t'interweb.
I mean, next I wont be able to trust pictures of sharks attacking commandos in helicopters.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 17:58, 1 reply)

Not me but a friend who likes to play the field a bit
made the mistake of having 3 of his gf + his fiance on his friends list and surprise surprise the all started messaging each other :)
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 17:41, 3 replies)

Dont let your nan join facebook
My nan is quite an internet savvy lady, she's mastered emails (she lives out in Spain so uses it to keep in touch with us younguns) booking holidays online and she no longer needs to call out the IT engineer when MSN pops up (Nan: can they see me when theyre writing? Me: no nan its like really quick emails)

Alas she was keen to join in facebook after some cousins mentionned to her about all the photos etc on there. The next time said cousins went out there they allowed the most retarded one (honestly its like letting a donkey wear a dress) set up a profile for dear old nan. Her name is Mrs Cox. What did retard set her up as?

Nanny Cocks

Imagine logging into your email and seeing that "Nanny Cocks has requested to be your friend" horrifying. Whats even worse? the profile was wide open to everyone (interesting and congratulatory wall postings abounded) and no one could log in on her behalf to change it as she wouldnt give up the password incase we "changed her letters and emails".

My brother went out there in August and thankfully my nan has been restored to her true name and is no longer a Cock Nan.
(Fizzylegs cant find the time to pluck, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 17:38, 3 replies)

I have never committed a "Gaffe" that fits the QOTW...
but that shall not deter me from posting a mini rant about Facebook. I quite like the site and use it regularly, but the sheer amount of retarded nonsense on there nearly makes me prolapse in rage. To sum things up neatly:

1. The "Fun Wall" .... which part of chain spam can be considered "fun"? That appears to be it's only function. I have ignored umpteen requests to add this app, because I don't think I could resist the urge to letterbomb any contact who dared to forward me the same tired old shit.

2. Petition groups. Newsflash to the mostly-idiot population of the Internet - nobody gives a fuck what you or your friends think. Your self-righteous stamping and pouting without actually doing ANY research into the issue you're complaining about makes me cringe.

3. Protesting against the "New Facebook". You don't pay to use it, you don't get a say in how it's run. Deal with it.

4. "They're shutting Facebook down in 7 days! Join now and save it!" Don't make me laugh bitterly. All I can say to anyone who joins this type of group is - grow the fuck up please, you're embarrassing me.

That'll do for now, or I'll be here all day. Apologies for lack of funny story, to be honest it's not a particularly inspiring QOTW and I expect it to be mainly filled with shit puns and very laboured Star Wars stories.
(keyboardman, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 17:22, 4 replies)

Not a gaffe but...
a guy who's a "friend" (i.e. i once saw in school 7 years ago) on my facebook has logged in with the status of "person x knows people don't want to know but i don't care, i'm going for a poo"...

if it's one thing that facebook does it takes current twunts and makes them into even greater narcissistic twunts!
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 17:05, Reply)

i made the mistake
a few years back, of writing my email address on a profile on a social networking site.

i'm now sure i have at least half of the turkish male population on my old
email address... everytime i log into it i get more of them (despite having deleted that profile a long time ago)

although i'm sure one of them is the same person because the email address is
always a variation on the words cock and big.

needless to say after giving a friend* his address she naively accepted his cam invitation, and found that his email address was more than a slight exaggeration.


*read friend as annoying bitch who we didn't like anyway.


.
(i eat crayons, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 16:58, Reply)

Typos
At work we use MSN a bit to talk to each other.

Cute girl messages me:
"Hi, thanks for getting my PC all sorted out earlier. I owe you one!"
"No problems you dont owe me anything! I had to do it for my nob!"

err.. i mean job.
(Miggyman, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 16:54, 2 replies)