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my girlfriend's tits are so big that she always comes joint 1st in a planet race.
(nappy rash, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:42, Reply)

Lager
During sports day at primary school (I was 8), my pal Brian and I snuck into the groundsman's hut where we found a four-pack of Stella and proceeded to drink two cans each.

The sack race was something of a challenge after that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:38, Reply)

As a lad...
I attended a tiny piss-poor primary with 93 pupils. The one race I won at sports day was the illustrious Beanbag on Head Race. Mum said it was because I had a square head. Cow.

My brother entered the sack race and came in last because his feet were so large, he couldn't get them in the sack. He cried.

At our swimming gala I was set to win the backstroke until Ben "Cunting" Stevens swam into my feet and I fell back to last. Once day I will murder him and regain my honour.
(misteroz, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:38, Reply)

Shot Putting or lack thereof.
Being one of the the most bone-idle (pretending to trip in rounders so I'd get out was one of my specials) yet oddly strong girls in class I got lumbered with the shot putt event.

Our classes were all battling against each other in a desperate attempt to be victorious so it was very important I attend the event which happened to be the only one held after school the evening before Sports Day.

Cut to me wandering past the sad bastards hefting heavy balls at some painted grass, smoking a fag and hurrying home to watch Thundercats.

Next day I got the living crap beaten out of me and got called a slag for letting the class down on our oh-so special sports day. Four hours later our class had lost in a spectacular way which would have happened with or without my help. The beatings quickly stopped when everyone else realised they were just as shite as me. Result!
(chakaflange, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:32, Reply)

Boner
Interform swimming, just at the age when puberty in boys is working it's way down from your acne ridden face, past your pubic sprouting feable chest, to your groinal region.

Two girls in our year (out of the 5 girls that DIDN'T fake a period and actually attended), thought it would be fun to go round the boys that were about to race, and start touching their leg and generally talk dirty to them. They also seemed to direct their attention on the boys wearing the smallest trunks. Let's just say that a few kids in our year became know simply as "boner" from then on there. Luckily I opted for swimming shorts... lesson learned.
(bazzalite, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:29, Reply)

loads!
Got serveral stories, but then one that really makes me piss my self is the story of an unlikely victory, then to be snatched away through sheer thickoness!

My friend who shall be named Nick for it is his name, was in the 800 meters.
on the gun he pelts off at high speed and is well in the lead by 300, as he comes up to the line the bell rings! He triumpfently punches the air and shouts ''YES!'' and stops, at this point I point out 800 meters is 2 laps of the track as I amble past.
Looking around barley being able to live through being so knackered, everyone else passes him and he continues to come last!

To the great laughter of teachers and pupils.
(ruud316, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:15, Reply)

So out of my depth
Sports Day, I was about 14...

I was told by the PE teacher that he'd put me in one of the track events, despite having just come second at the javelin and thinking I could go home.

So there I am, 800 metres, and in the line up there were some of the bigger boys - sixth formers, oh dear I thought.

But no I just managed to keep up with them for the first lap, then one of them says to his pal "We're going a bit slow for an 800m race".

"Oh, I thought it was a 1600m race", as they suddenliy took off at what seemed to be a sprint.

At least there was only one lap left. They finished when I was only half way round. That half lap had to be the longest I'd ever run, as EVERBODY was looking at me, because I had lost by so much.

"Never mind" says the PE teacher when I eventually finished, trying not to cough up a kidney. "You've knocked about forty seconds off your previous time".

"Did you know the chap that won trains with Steve Cram?"

wandered off muttering about what bastards PE teachers are...
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:08, Reply)

Early eighties eductation-reforms-gone-mad sports day they introduced "technology" into an event.
They had a selection of balls and a selection of bats. You chose a ball and a bat and hit it as far as you could. First contestant picks up the golf ball and tennis racket and spangs it clear out of the school sportsfield and a few hundred yards down the street.

The final contestant was left with a hockey stick and a medicine ball.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:06, Reply)

The Race For The Prize
Not really a horror story, so much as a romp to victory by cheating and setting my stall as a detestable smartarse out quite early.

At our junior school Sports Day, we had to compete in heats before the event itself, so those with a natural ability to throw beanbags into Frytol buckets could really shine, and such.

If it turned out that you were in fact awful at everything, you were put into a generic "Flat Race" designed for bumbling fools, and as such treated differently than all the other events - with points for every position one might stagger home in, presumably for "trying hard".

A heady mixture of forward planning and actual sporting inability led to this Flat Race being run by me and 7 other members of our school house. As promised, the points were awarded.

The net result of this?
Decisive victory for our team.

Subsequently, in real life this tactic of doing really badly and then relying on my ability to exploit the system, has yielded mixed results.

Can't win 'em all...
(MarcusJ, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:03, Reply)

Inappropriate Medals
Our school decided to have a "roman-based" sports day once. I got a medal with a steering wheel on it. I was in a sack race. WTF?

My best friend got a medal with something that looked like a 'willy' on it. He's now gay. Childhood events affecting sexuality, anyone?
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:46, Reply)

Asthma attack on first lap of 1600 metres
Decided to keep going despite ending up about 2 and a half laps behind everyone else. I had the vague idea that my plucky efforts to finish would be appreciated by everyone. They all just thought I was a div*.

Note use of historically appropriate insult, dating my school experience. To think that some people on here don't know who Joey Deacon is.
(Throbbe, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:35, Reply)

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him . . . we have the technology.
On my first sports day at Primary School, I came up with the fantastic tactic of running like the fastest man I knew. Unfortunately that man was "Steve Austin, Astronaut - A man barely alive" or
the Six Million Dollar Man, who ran so fast that they had to show him running in slow motion. To my five year old mind though, I knew if I ran in slow motion I would leave everyone standing...

I didn't. I came last, but I recall I still got a lollipop from a sympathetic but slightly smirking teacher.
(bedford van Shoddy Ideas, Shoddily Created, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:34, Reply)

Hippie Dave
School sport for me was a riot of unpleasantness.
My proudest moment was when I didn't come last in something one sports day - the 100 metres. Hippie Dave finished 2 seconds behind me, his tracksuit trousers had fallen down around his ankles, and he was smoking a Benson.

Anyhoo, this story will take some beating:
www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/browse.pl?sid=10
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:33, Reply)

Peter Ness
Sports day was always fun at my old high school (Balwearie in Kirkcaldy), mostly because of Peter Ness. He was quite sporty and entered pretty much every event going, the participants of which were always announced beforehand over a tannoy by the deputy head, in the form of initial then surname.

The entire school (of almost 2000 kids) would laugh and point every time "P Ness" was announced. He never seemed to mind though.
(Zapol Unlurked at, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:32, Reply)

My House Team needed me!
It was sports day. I was 16 years old. I was a spectator. The team captain had run up to me and told me they needed someone to run the 100 meters. I was a terrible sprinter and would surely lose but the House team would get 1 point for fielding someone in the event.

I thought back to previous sports days and House matches when I had so desperately wanted to compete but had been dropped for better or more popular individuals. It was time to stand up and be counted, the House needed me, my peers needed me, this was my moment…to tell everyone to go fuck themselves, fuck you, fuck the house, fuck sports day, you can all go suck a fuck and die horribly being fucked you fucks.

It builds character.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:28, Reply)

Sports Day
I was miraculously ill every sports day, and therefore unable to attend school!

Such a shame...
(finbarr, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:19, Reply)

naughtyjonny
see now i wish i had shat myself ona tramp(aline).

one of my few childhood mammories is my first PE lesson in infants school.

the teacher told to get undressed and boy did i!

you jonny was charging aboot naked and had to be restrained.

so little has changed!
(the brown fist heart of gold,fists of steel , knob of butter, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:16, Reply)

I did the obstacle course at my primrary school
and there was an area of the course which you were supposed to get on your knees and crawl under, consisting of a stick balanced on the top of two traffic cones.

I've always been a tall fella, and despite everyone's expectations, I took a running jump over the stick and cleared it. It was glorious, although parents started booing me.

It's the only sporting event I ever won, and in the end they had to give me the stickers even though I'd technically cheated. I came last in every other event but I didn't care after that :)
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:11, Reply)

Inter-Class competition
Our school would hold competitive events between the form groups in the year. Some of the events were football, rugby, basketball, and so on.

We once won the cross country event because everyone except the fast kid feigned injury. The form's score was based on the average finishing position, so the less gifted among us (ie everyone) weren't dragging down the average.

They changed the rules after that.

cunts.
(Sathington Willoughby, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:10, Reply)

.
i once hit someone in the face with a javelin, only got manslaughter though. lucky for me they didn't think it was planned.
( polar ice is done for 4 months, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 12:07, Reply)

Not so much a horror
but school swimming carnivals are a rather brilliant opportunity to, er, thoroughly appraise the physical attributes of your preferred gender when you're a kid with your hormones racing faster than any of the competitors.

Girls have it easier than guys here, because a boner can be rather difficult to hide whilst wearing swimming costumes.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:57, Reply)

One race I had to win!
Remember how important being fast runner was?

I used to be fairly quick in our first school races but I always ended up coming in 3rd due to these two kids, everyone hated them, they where the two sons of the head of PE and they always came 1st in races under 800m!

Anyway, sports day came and I was determined, I practiced running my favourite race the 400m until I knew I could win! Racers where randomly selected and I ended up in a 400m race with both of them!! Everyone else in the race slumped knowing full well they had no chance of winning but not me, this time I was going win!

So the fake gun goes, and we are away! I give it everything I got, storm ahead of both of them, the finish line is in sight, I cross, FIRST!!! I won!

Absolutely ecstatic that I had finally beaten them I turned to gloat only to see them jogging the race at a gentle pace shoulder to shoulder having fucking conversation!

Cunts...
(Minty Hit, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:54, Reply)

At the same school who had the green swimming tank...
Their main Sports Day was equally odd. The headmaster kept cows on the sports field, so most of the events had the added peril of cow-pats. The quick shoulder-barge into cow poo was an accepted tactic and those unfortunate enough to hit a big fresh one could end up browny-green from head to toe.

The strangest event of all, though, was called "It's a knockout". Vaguely related to the 70s Euro-TV hit of the same name, it involved the youngest kids trying to transport jugs of water from one end of the field to the other through some big metal cow feeders and other farm equipment whilst the rest of the school flung wet sponges at them.

It was the best fun ever.
( chthonic, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:51, Reply)

The sack race and 3-legged race practice...
Participation in my primary school's sports day was compulsory. Us non-athletic types would be put into the sack race. I set off and was making a reasonable (for me) effort in 4th place of six racers.... Then I noticed my best friend had fallen over and was now last. For some reason I decided to stop and wait for him... He picked himself up and carried on, overtook me and left me in last place. I was not impressed.

Later in my primary school life it was decided that I was to partake in a 3 legged race. During the practice run they decided to pair me with the biggest girl in the class, she was nearly 5 foot tall at the age of 9... I promptly fell over after three steps and she dragged me the length of the track... I think we still won!

A happy ending though... I was paired with the girl I had a crush on for the actual day and we came second.
( beefandcheese, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:48, Reply)

All school sports were a compete waste of time for me
I am not now, and have never been, fit. All I got was abuse from other children if/when I let my class down.
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:44, Reply)

Damning with faint praise
At primary school, Sports Day was a veritable dream for the sticker fanatic. Every race you participated in, you were awarded with a little bit of sticky paper joy. These encompassed many aspects of the praise spectrum, from "First!" to "Brilliant!" to "Champion!".

The only ones I ever got? "Good Effort" and "I Tried Hard". They might as well have made me a hat saying "CHUBBY BUT ENTHUSIASTIC: Please take pity". Sigh.
( kikilookeylikey, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:39, Reply)

I rarely participated in Sports Day.
I found it a wonderful excuse for a sunny day out, elsewhere. Or just lounging trackside chuckling at the sunburnt, sun-stroked competitors.
However one year, I daned to do the sack race. I came third, however the headteacher, who was judging, hated me with a passion and said the bronze went to someone else. Git.
I also joined the rounders team one year, and stood way out in the field, occasionally strolling over to chat to the person on third-base. On the batting side I did get a few rounders, however my glory was claimed by whacking the ball right into the head of the bowler. Hurrah!
Oh, I recall doing Netball and Tennis on the odd occasion, but they were fairly boring events.
( CaroWallis, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:35, Reply)

Bronze is good
but i would have been first on the QOTW if I hadn't been watching Aliens pixelmash by Foldsfive...

Not really sports day - rounders at cubs. I was batting, Simon Smith was in the queue to bat. I let go of the bat by accident and took all his front teeth out.....
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:34, Reply)

Not Sports Day
But school sport nonetheless.

I went to a comprehensive where football and rugby were the big sports. The highlight of the sports year was the annual match against one of the posh public schools in Newcastle and this one year, even thought I wasn't playing, I was determined to help my school win over the posh bastards - by any means.

So on the day of the match I snuck into the opposing teams changing rooms and doctored the grease they plaster themselves with.

(Explanation - It's bloody cold where I come from during the winter so the rugger lads used to have tubs of thick grease that they'd use to give their bare skin some protection form the cold.)

Anyway, I mixed the grease in the tubs with some muscle liniment called "Firey Jack". It's a kind of deep-heat treatment for muscle strains and, after a few minutes, burns like hell.....

So the opposing team eventually arrived, got changed and slathered themselves liberally with my concoction. Then they ran onto the pitch and the match started - and quickly descended into chaos!

At first they just looked uneasy. Then started rubbing themselves. Then, when they realised that something was up with the whole team, panic set in.

The guy I can remember the best was one of their props. He'd ripped his shorts off and was frantically rubbing his groin and moaning:

"Me plums, Christ me plums are on fire..."

And so the match was abandoned. The culprit was quickly caught (Grassing bastards!) and I was hauled in front of the headmaster for a severe beating and threatened with expulsion.

It was worth it though just to see that posh kid screaming about his plums.......

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:27, Reply)

First!
Yay I won this sports day! Can I have a cup?

We had Emlyn Hughes present our prizes once.
When it came to the questions one kid asked him "Did you do that to Bill Beaumont's ears?"

/shows age
(Lambkin, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 11:26, Reply)