My bird
My better half is someones work colleague so I guess it counts.

"Whats bigger, the moon or the sun - Which is further away"
"Shit hit the oven"
"Gordon Blair"
"You want to have seen the size of those leeches" (Lurchers)
"Where does Sein Feinn live"

Bless her ...
(Peno Lives In a Coal Bunker, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:34, 3 replies)

A colleague of mine was sent to attend a conference about some new cancer drug trial...
We asked him who the Keynote speaker was and he replied 'Some African guy'. It turns out that he had read the name 'John Charles MBioChem' and assumed that MBioChem was his surname, as it sounded 'kind of Nigerian' All this despite the fact that he was himself a 'Master' of BioChemistry and had exactly the same letters after his own name. He has since gone on to achieve a PhD and noone knows how.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:31, Reply)

A B3tan who I won't name is not stupid at all - indeed, he's one of the quickest people off the mark I know, BUT
On returning to work in England from holidaying in Switzerland, I watched as his boss asked him "So how was Switzerland?" for him to reply, "Oh, mate - it's like another country ... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:11, 1 reply)

Working For A Canadian Telecoms Company

We had a global video-conference call with the Asia/Pacific team (all Ozzies), the Europeans (my team) and the Americas (all Yanks). We were doing the introductions when the boss introduced me.

"And this is Legless. He's from the North-East, near the Scottish border"

One of the Yanks chimed in:

"Scotland? I love Scotch whiskey! Could you bring me a couple of bottles over when you're next over here?"

"No problem" I said "But is it OK if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

Europeans and Ozzies cracked up. Americans look confused.

"Yeah - that would be fine. Just as long as it gets here."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:09, 73 replies)

Poo
When entering the men's loo's at my office, I noticed a rather, more-than-normal, stink. I opened the door to enter a cubicle and when closing it noticed a Rolo sized lump of poo stuck about 6 inches up on the back of the door. Gross.

I went back into my office and got a colleague whom I knew would laugh as much as me, to come and see what I'd found, I was right, he laughed his head off (immature boys tsk tsk) and not being entirely subtle, went back in the office and declared to all the staff "Some dirty fucker has shit on the door!" At which point another colleague of ours stood up and said "Oops I think that was me" and shuffled out, red-cheeked, to clear it up.

We still don't have any idea what he could have possibly been doing for that to happen or why the hell he admitted it at all. Weird man. The trouble is I've noticed this has happened more than once.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Well, nearly everybody is *somebody's* colleague
Years ago, my girlfriend worked in NHS admin in the same office as her mum. This was back when she lived at home with her folks in Wigan. I've heard many stories of a colleague of theirs called Stacey, who I've never actually met. Tenuous link to the topic, I know.

This girl Stacey was staring out of the window one day, and asked "so... who makes the bird nests?"
Silence, I imagine, followed.
"Birds make them, you donk" said my gf, probably.
"Naah, you're having me on - it must be the council or something yeah?" They could neither convince her that birds made nests, nor unconvince her that there weren't people going round thatching nests and putting them up trees.

Another time, she was late home from work (driving from the hospital in Wigan to her home Preston) so her boyfriend called her mobile.
"Where are you, oh ditzy one?" he might well have said.
Turns out she had missed the exit on the M6 for Preston, but assured him she would be home soon.

Several hours pass. The boyfriend calls again.
"Where are you?" he asks.
"Glasgow" she replies.
"Why the hell are you in Glasgow?"
"Because I missed my exit! I thought I'd just keep going - the motorway's bound to come back round to the start eventually."
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Have a heavily roasted Pea
When i was a young pie man i Worked on a building site the purpose of which was to build a new sewage works for a small town. This job was beset by the usual problems but the staff were reasonably competent for the most part and these problems were kept to a minimum.....

Competent that is except the 17 year old chain man. This man was a local and as thick as only a Chav can be. He delighted in playing fucking stupid practical jokes.

Apart from his usual pastimes of standing still and dribbling we found that he was into body building in a big way. Often he would flex his muscles at us after a particularly spectacular session of grunting at weights.

The trouble started when we caught him doing chin ups off a beam in a shed when he was supposed to be working. A bunch of us burst in and found him beaming like a pissed up tramp at a job well done. He had beaten his previous chin up record on the shed roof beam.
This is where yours truly started an epic feud by betting the cretin that he couldn't stand in a steel bucket and pick himself up with the handles. Now I know it is cruel to take the piss out of the mentally challenged but the sight of this bulging veined retard straining like fuck to pick himself up while stood in a bucket and taking the accompanying disbelieving laughter as encouragement has etched itself permanently into the comic archives of my brain. After around 15 minutes and several gasps of "I don't understand it i can do loads of chin ups" the light finally dawned and he understood that he had been had and so commenced a campaign of terror upon his tormentor.

This included but is not exclusive to, hiding my stuff trying to make me late and trying to get me into the shit with the site manager. At one point he threw my £10 special work trainers onto the roof of the portacabin and was astonished when to get my revenge i nailed his £80 Nike air max to the portacabin ceiling.This was worth it for the bemused expression on his gurning mug as he wandered around trying to find the chavvy articles

This ill feeling built up for some time and work on the site progressed. The management had taken the decision to put stuff from the drying beds from the existing shit works between the new concrete structures. This was basically dried shit complete with used tampons/condoms and whatever else is flushed down the toilets that isn't liquid*.

On this fateful day we had gone into our cabin for break as usual. I got out the book i normally read and the can of diet coke that i had brought with me and proceeded to try and transport my mind out of the usual shit hole of work.

I had sort of semi succeeded in doing this when the chain man surprised us all by presenting us with a cup of coffee made with his own fair hands. As soon as i saw this alarm bells started ringing. This dickhead never made coffee if he could help it especially not for me. As a result i studiously ignored the steaming cup of liquid while my co workers all slurped appreciatively.

The chain man was getting more and more agitated and i will never forget the look on his idiotic face when the site manager came into the cabin, saw the unattended cup and drained it in one go (as he usually did cos he was a bit of an arse too). His self satisfied smirk soon turned to a gagging retching noise as he reached the bottom of the mug. It seems that chain man, seeing his revenge at hand had filled the bottom of my mug with crap off the drying beds and topped it up with coffee.

Although the site manager wasn't made ill he failed to appreciate the subtlety of the joke and the chain man was soon on his way to doles ville. I have never doctored food or drink since cos the consequences don't bear thinking about.

* you got a lovely crop of tomatoes about two weeks after laying it down

Length? About a dirty inch from the bottom of a mug?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:38, 6 replies)

Further to my post below
The company that my mate Adam was drafted into seemed to attract a certain level of thickness to work there. He tells me as the business became more successful, they took on another guy to be office manager. First though, a bit of background.

I was roped in to create a small extranet thing. Because the workforce comprised of welders and people who operate lifting gear and scissorlifts etc, they keep a record of all their competency certificates and welding qualifications on file. When welders were sent to a job, the site manager for the client would want access to these so we devised an online alternative to faxing them to places.
On the extranet, a job would be created and welders assigned to that job. Then the site manager at the other end could log in and see a list of the welders on the job, and then be able to view scanned in versions of the certificates and qualifications. So far so paper-free-office.

The office manager, we shall call Mel (because I cannot remember his real name) had the task of managing this extranet. Even though Adam explained it several times, with reassuring nods, ahhs and the occasional 'I see', he couldn't get his head around the benefits of such a system. Adam informed me that a year or so later, he checked the database of the extranet and noticed that new jobs hadn't been created for about 9 months and the only activity was the occasional log in by Mel.

What had transpired was that Mel had eschewed a perfectly good system for his own. Rather than create the jobs, assign welders and set up the log in for the site manager, he created one job and assigned all the staff to it. Then when a site manager wanted the qualifications, Mel would log in and go through each welder in turn who was on that job, print out each scanned in qualification/certificate and fax it to them, even though the originals were kept in a filing cabinet NEXT TO THE FUCKING FAX MACHINE!

I don't know how Adam can be so impervious to it all. I'd be worried in case such a level of docility was contagious
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:34, 1 reply)

I was working on a film shoot in a field near a village
and I sent one of our new runners off to get some bits, with an instruction: get a torch.

And when he came back, he had indeed bought a torch.

As he handed it to me he said "do you batteries for it?".

[no dear, I want you to get a really long extension lead for it]
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:10, 9 replies)

I spent some time working in America a few years ago...
I worked as a waiter in a 5 star hotel. I'm from South Africa so many questions were asked during my tenure there about my country and it's history. I would say everyone I worked with was fairly well educated, with the exception of the Mexican dish washing staff. When I say well educated I meant they could all read, drive a car and had bank accounts which in my book are the typical hallmarks of someone who has probably attended some sort of institution of learning.

Perhaps it's more a reflection of type of education they get in a America rather than actual stupidity, but all of my co-workers, of which there were 10, had not heard of apartheid. Some had never heard of South Africa. None of them were aware that a man called Nelson Mandela existed. They were also extremely shocked to learn that I was white and had come from Africa. They were all oblivious to the fact that white people also lived in Africa. Bless.

I recall a conversation I had with the sous chef when I first started work there. He's from Texas so he had that typical Southern drawl where the vowel sounds seems to take forever to leave his mouth and the accent made him sound at least 19% dumber than he probably was.

'So boy, were did you say you were from exactly?'
'South Africa'.
'Oh yeah.I ain't never heard of that'.

We then progressed to the other mundane topics that Americans always ask me when they find out I'm from Africa such as 'Do lions really walk in the streets?' and 'Do they have McDonald's in Africa?'Sometime later in the day after this riveting conversation the sous chef approached me again.

'So you said you were from South Africa? Is that in the South of Africa?'

I had stop myself laughing when he said that. He was beaming with pride at his own powers of deduction. And to his eternal credit he can now count himself marginally more knowledgeable about African geography than most of America.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:09, 6 replies)

Thickie Nikki
I worked with a girl who thought Edelweiss was the Austrian National anthem as "In The Sound of Music, when they sing it, everyone in the audience knew the words"

Convinced, she was...
( Sallyrsm, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 9:59, 1 reply)

Not strictly...
...a work colleague, but a university one (ATT:TENUOS LINK!), had some cracking ones she came up with. You ever had one of those 'friends' who, you don't really like, but they hang around with your group of mates because she's vaguely a friend of a friend etc. Some corkers include:

1) Not knowing where Holland was. More accurately, when asked, she thought Holland was in Germany. And that in Germany, they spoke Dutch.

2) When she had the flu pretty bad, she ended up in hospital. Although not because of the flu. No, it happened to be she was in a lecture and she looked fairly ill. We asked her if she was taking any drugs to combat it, i.e. ibuprofen etc etc, to which she said "No, I don't like to take any". At this point it was more than apparent she was drinking a Lemsip. "How many of those have you drank?" "Since I got up? Oh I don't know, they're good on my sore throat. About 9 or 10?". 9 or 10 in the space of 2 hours. That was a stomach pump. When questioned about it; "Oh I didn't realise they had drugs in them, I just thought it was like a soova or somefink". Luckily no liver damage - although she could drink like a fish!

3) Thought that Wales was a town

4) Was one of these people who said "No I don't get hangovers, I never have!" Yet the day after a massive drinking session would say she was feeling ill and it must be a cold/virus coming on

5) Tried to snort weed. I wish I was kidding. Some mates and I were sat having a few joints and a drink, and she said "Oh, can I have a go?!". Being drunk and stoned we thought, "Shit, why not?". She proceeded to cut out a line of ground green and snort it. What...the...fuck?. Funny enough "No it nevva does anyfink for me"

6) Refused to use Direct Debits as "Cheques are safer"

7) Insisted she was amazing at singing, and so entered local Karaoke competitions. And always lost. And always drunkenly assaulted the bar staff/judges because of them not recognising her 'talent'

8) In a similar vein, she was asked to go for an audition for The X Factor or Britain's Got Talent, one of those awful shows, and we all agreed to go up to London on the coach with her to give her support. Except we got there and nothing was happening. She'd got the timing wrong - by a month.

9) 'Ducked' when smoking. As in, would always say she smoked and couldnt stop etc, except when she smoked, she would take in the tiniest drag into her mouth and breath it out in an exaggerated way, i.e. the way a 13 year old would do

10) Went out with a mate of mine, when he got bored and dumped her, she spent 2 hours dramtically over a local railway bridge threatening to jump because she couldnt live without him. And then slept with his brother later the same day, because she had 'fancied him for ages'.


Apologies for length, I didn't realise I had it in me!


...That's what she said!

GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
(Brighton RAWK at the tone, the time will be:, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 9:58, 7 replies)

Lad I used to work with was looking at the paper.
Then came out with, "If they can clone beef, why can't they bring back the unicorn?"

That's a whole lot of mythical creature/Jurassic Park thing going on there.

I should also add that this wasn't to marvel at such a splendid creature. He wanted to make burgers from it.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 9:57, 3 replies)

Not me, but etc
A small company looking to expand could only get the bank loan they needd if they moved from the director's back-room at home to a proper office and computerised everything. Through a friend of a friend sort of thing, my mate Adam was pointed their way in order to do this seemingly simple task. Procure some new PCs and a couple of printers, network them up, install software and then show the office team of three how to take advantage of their new technology. There was only a tiny office team because the majority of the payroll consisted of contracted welders.

The director's wife Karen was, to put it mildly, utterly devoid of intelligence. She seemed to have no intuition or problem solving skills at at all. Adam had to take each task she wanted to do and create a step-by-step list. We've actually declared the 'Karen' to be the SI unit of the thickness of short planks.

The most startling, and almost too cliché to be true, was when the spreadsheet she worked on was getting too big for the floppy disk, so Adam produced a 64mb USB flash drive that he had kicking about in a drawer somewhere and said she could use that and use it just like a floppy disk.

You can clearly see where this is going. "Adam, how does this go, it doesn't seem to go in either way." Yup, trying to insert it into the floppy drive. I didn't think such things happened and always thought it was apocryphal and the sort of thing that appeared in emails that circulated in the late 90s. I can say it was true as I was there. (I'd been drafted in to speak to the boss about the website).
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 9:28, 5 replies)

When in Rome
A colleague of mine just came back from Rome and came out with and I quote verbatim

"It was like amazing. You are walking around and there are these ruins that are, like, 700 years old!"

*facepalm*
(The Liquorice Allstar I need cricket, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 9:04, 1 reply)

Fat Bastard
that I used to work with was recalling a holiday: "Whats that big rock, bottom of Spain, loads of monkeys...wassname...errr?' A few minutes of head scratching and intense thought passed. He rolled a ciggy, lit it and then suddenly blurted out

"Travolta!! Thats the fucker!"

He sat back in satisfaction while the rest of us shook our heads, walked away and tried not to collectively wee with laughter as soon as we were outside. We had previously managed to convince him that Sugar Diabetes was a welsh boxing legend.
(DownhillGardener no-one does it like that anymore, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 8:57, 5 replies)

Stupid? Well, stupidly self absorbed at least
I had the misfortune to work with someone who managed to be both new age and incredibly selfish at the same time. She was into Raikki (is that what it's called?) and homeopathy (oh, wait, THAT definitely qualifies as stupid, I AM on topic). I'd plug my music on and try to drown out her incessant rattle all day, and I know that just EVERYONE has an annoying colleague who can't help but provide a running commentary on the inannities of their day, so I won't go into detail. But her selfishness was on another level to anything I have ever known. Just three examples off the top of my head that beggar belief:

When her cat was ill and the vet said somthing akin to 'have one more night with her, and bring her back in the morning to say goodbye', she took her back a week later and told us 'I knew she was in pain, but not as much pain as I was at the thought of having to say goodbye'

When a colleagues son died of cancer, miss selfish said to me 'My neighbours son died of cancer too. Why do these things always happen to me?'

And, despite also being married herself, the wife of the man she was verging on having an affair with jumped off the multi storey car park roof and ended up in a coma, she said 'He'll have more time to spend with me now'.

I hated that woman.

Oh...oh...one more I just remembered. September 12, 2001. Her first words to me that morning were 'Can you believe what happened. It had to happen on my daughter's birthday didn't it?'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 8:54, 2 replies)

I work in Property Management - my company owns 68 apartment complexes
At our recent annual meetings (broken down into 4 regions), I overheard one of our custodians (janitors for the Brits) saying "yeah, I'd never put my dick in an Asian girl cos they have sideways pussies".

I died laughing before realizing everyone else was also on the floor in a puddle of piss. Turns out his mamma had told him that, and at the age of 42 he still believed Asian women had sideways slits, as opposed to regular up and down ones....
(nolongernuts, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 6:49, 33 replies)

Idiot schoolteachers
I work in a school where my boss--the director of studies-- recently did an assembly recreating Derren Brown's joke "explanation" of his lottery trick. Remember? The one about "deep maths". Gag was--my manager was not kidding, he actually believed it.
(Daoloth, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 6:48, Reply)

This one girl
In my current workplace thought that Mt. Everest was in scotland... I don't need to say anymore *facepalm*
(TaZ44, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 6:21, 1 reply)

There was a girl at my school who was so stupid
that she didn't want to go out with me.

Quite a few of them in fact.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 6:04, 1 reply)

Only my second post...
After dropping out of A-levels about 10 years ago I spent a summer doing a braindead temp job at a place that made Sky TV cards. The work was so simple the bulk of the other temps were from special schools. Nothing wrong with that, they were all nice, but the banter wasn't exactly cerebral.

One guy's back story was he'd fled to England after having his parents' South African farm taken by force. He took up the braindead job to make ends meet and befriended the dumb but benign girl who 'looked after the envelopes' that the Sky cards were put into ready for posting.

One day, I turn up for shift and all banter is hushed. Before this story gets too long, it turns out at some point not long ago, he'd passed out stoned at their bedsit. So she decided to hop on his mate unprotected, right next to him as he was passed out. When commenting on her pregnancy, she said 'I didn't think you could get pregnant when you were smoking'. Then nipped out for a fag. Still pregnant.

By the time I left for a real job, they were still together, she was 4 months pregnant and still nipping out for a fag whenever she could.
(dripfed, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 2:14, Reply)

Cock.
Up until the end of last year we had the most frustrating person I have ever worked with in our office. The sad fact is that on the face of it he's actually quite a good programmer, but he is also the most idol idle, know-it-all-but-has-no-clue, needs his hand held at all times, to be praised at the vaguest gust of doing his job - etc.

Fundamentally I think this page from his personal company site sums him up: www.cyberrealities.co.uk/ground-rules/
That's right, a rant to prospective clients about how he (or should that be "they") are always right. The good stuff, by which I mean the well written stuff (not by me - I don't really "do" words) on his site he stole from our company site. He also was hosting his shitty site on our servers - one which he took six weeks to build and used standard hard drives rather than the commercial ones (again forgive me as I'm not hugely hardware literate either!)... and this is why I have few qualms about posting his site up here.

He bemoaned doing any work that he was relatively well paid to do, always wanted to build everything from the ground up (because obviously no code library could compete with his superior intellect), carried a picture of his pig wife and insisted on incessantly telling you in great detail about every-fucking-mundane-thing they did including taking Junction 4 off the M4, or was it 4a?

But worst of all insisted on calling B3TA "bet-ta" no matter how many times I pointed the fat Gorg-like* shit to FAQ!!!!!11


_{* That'd be a Fraggle Rock Gorg}
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 1:53, 6 replies)

Dangerously daft...
Part of my previous job was renovating council properties. Part of this involved ripping up the kitchen and bathroom floors and installing a new surface. In order to do this to a decent standard (unlike the council's own workmen) the floor needed to be screeded. One morning as I was about to head off from base I was informed I was to take a young guy, fresh out of school, who had recently joined us on a kind of apprentiship and show him some basics. He'd been around for a few weeks already but I hadn't really talked to him or tried to get to know him because he was still in the grunting teenage caveman stage and I couldn't be bothered with it.
So I tried to be as friendly as possible, guessing that he must be very unsure of himself and a bag of nerves. I double checked the van's inventory with him, running through what we'd need for the job. Not a word of aknowledgement in return. It was going to be a stimulating journey for sure.
Anyway, we get on site. I start ripping up the old floor and ask him to set up the equipment we'll need outside. A couple of buckets, a mixer, extension lead and three bags of screed with liquid. Off he goes. Much effort and sweating later and I go outside for a breather and see how he's getting on. He's leaning up against the side of the van, smoking a cigarette.
'Van was locked' He grunted.
Exasperated, resisting temptation to be nasty or sarcastic I open the van for him, why he didn't just ask me for the keys I don't know. Anyway, I start setting things up, trying to instruct him on what to do and he moves at a snails pace, successfully dropping and splitting open a bag of screed. I can't make my mind up if he just doesn't want to be here, is completely disinterested or is just slow. Or all three. So to try and get him more involved I offer to let him mix the screed with the big industrial mixer (basically a very large, powerful whisk). After all, everyone likes messing around with power tools. So everything's plugged in and ready.
I pour the liquid latex in to the bucket and nod at him to prepare to start mixing while I see to the powder. Like anyone with a new mechanical toy, he gives it a few revs held in mid air...failing to comprehend that doing so whilst waving it in front of the power lead will result in the lead being caught between the two blades and getting cut...which is exactly what happens. The live end of the lead makes contact with the metal blades and a massive BANG rings out. Luckily the chassis and handles of the mixer were plastic. I jump back, having very nearly shat my pants, and quickly rush inside to isolate the power, rushing back out to see if he's alright.
He's stood over the bucket with the mixer, pressing the button.
'It's not working...' He grunts.

Definitely slow...
(Megamoss, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 1:44, Reply)

Not stupid, just innocent in the ways of the world
I once worked with a young woman who had just left a rather expensive public school.
Apparently while waiting to meet and marry Mr Moneybags, daddy decided she should experience life amongst the working class plebs.
So somehow this rather elegant girl found herself deployed in the packing dept of a small company at the same table as myself.
Nice girl but really had no idea.
After messing up a few orders, the supervisor came over to explain weights and measures, with the words " its just basic maths"
Girl says "Oh we didnt do basic maths at ( insert famous all girls school)
Stunned silence from us, supervisor clears throat, says "dont worry you'll get the idea" and wanders off.
Over the next week we discovered that at her expensive school not only did they not teach basic maths, but also basic cookery ( she didnt know you had to peel an onion) or any form of how to cope in the working world
Emphasis was on social etiquette, how to behave in the company of royalty and how to address servants.
Why learn domestic skills when its expected you will marry well and have others take care of those trivial things?
I used to think she was just taking the piss until the day I wandered into the tea room to find her disdainfully holding a tea bag between expensively manicured fingernails, and with a bemused expression, turned to me and asked "what do I do with this?"
No idea what became of her as I left for pastures new.
But I'd like to think she found her Mr Darcy because quite frankly no way would she cope in the real world otherwise
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 1:16, 5 replies)

Does Advanced Higher Computing count?
Picture the scene; about eight 6th year students sitting in class in various stages of arsing around... when someone (an ordinarily intelligent fellow) gets a CD stuck in one of the iMacs (stop laughing, it's all the supply company sold... until the year after I left, when they all got replaced with PCs... fuckchops)

Anyway, he tells the teacher who gives him a paperclip to open the CD tray in the time-honoured-poke-a-hole fashion.

With which he attempts to use to PRISE OPEN THE DRIVE.

Not knowing about the hole I can forgive... just about. But trying to prise open ANYTHING with a paperclip? What in the fat unholy buggerosity where you hoping to achieve?
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 4 Mar 2011, 1:13, 3 replies)

Merkins
As a Brit who has to work with Americans on a regular basis, this exchange amused me:

American colleague: "Independence Day is next week, I'm looking forward to a day off. Do you celebrate Independence Day in England?"

Me: "Yes. Yes we do."
(Bids How much is that window in the doggy?, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 0:02, 6 replies)

Moments of stupidity
I have a gift for convincing people about things.

Post work quiz in our canteen, and the beers are flowing. We reach a music round, and one of my team mates says "oh you'll be good at this".

"Nah" says I, "I can't listen to music, I've got a condition".

She punched me in the arm about 20 seconds later, at the same time as I grinned.
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 23:17, Reply)