Art students are idiots
I'm an engineer. I'm at an engineering university party. Said engineering university also does a couple of arts papers but is primarily known as my country's best engineering school. Arty boy in skinny jeans and a fucking top hat is trying to chat me up.

ABISJAAFTH: Hey, so what's your degree?
Me: B.Eng. No need to tell me what you study...
ABISJAAFTH(floundering slightly): Oh wow... Don't you have to be a boy to do that?
Me: Apparently not.
ABISJAAFTH: So you can, like, open your own garage once you finish!

Fuck off back to management and psychology, people in skinny jeans and top hats.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 11:54, 4 replies)

In response to the below:
A friend of mine is a senior nurse manager. The other week she asked me if crocodiles had brains.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 10:48, 1 reply)

Anatomy
It's the early nineties and my younger sister had some science homework consisting of some questions about the organs of the body. She asks for my Mum's help because, obviously, I'm a biologist and know fuck-all about anatomy.
Anyway...
Question: Name the muscle which causes the lungs to expand and contract.
My Mum's Answer: The Heart.

My Mum is a Nurse!
(sleekloon Curing Cancer one cell at a time., Sun 21 Mar 2010, 10:09, 2 replies)

BBC computers and animals that can't turn round
OK, to be fair this was back in the day (circa 1989) when computers in schools were a relative novelty and myself being a wee sprog of five was not entirely used to the field referred to as "technology". This resulted in my uttering of the followng striking display of childish ignorance.

One happy day at school I was typing something with a friend (can't remember what, but that doesn't matter) and she hit the delete key. Cue my amazement when the letter on the screen was "rubbed out". We typed something again. And rubbed it out again. WOW, we thought, this is amazing. Cue further amazement when we printed our work and took it to the teachers and I proudly stated, "It's really REALLY clever how you can't see the rubbing out marks on the screen AND it doesn't rip the paper when you print out like it does in your book!". To be fair the teacher didn't laugh, just smiled knowingly.

In the same year at school I also uttered the following gem that my mother still laughs at me for until this day. We were doing work on animals and also some work on day and night. So the teacher asked if anybody knew what a nocturnal animal was.

"Wow," thought my tiny five year old self, "I KNOW this one. I can actually answer a question!" My hand shot up, and I proudly noticed I was the only one in the room who knew the answer. Glory awaited me (or so I thought). Until my mouth opened and I uttered the following gem loudly and clearly in my best "impress the teacher voice" (yes, even back then I was a little bit geeky).

"An animal that can't turn round."
(Picotee, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Foreigners
Having a drink outside a bar one sunny Sunday morning, a dishevelled and quite houdish woman walked off the street to try to cadge (at first) a lighter from someone. She was clearly on a walk of shame. She chose a chap sitting with his girlfriend to pester.

"Where you from then daaaaarlin? Go aaaht last night? Where you from?", she cackled

He answered something about coming from Cumbria, gave her a lighter so she would move on and leave them alone.

But then she wanted a cigarette too. The guy said no, and politely asked her to leave.

"Fuck you then! Yeah? Fucking....and you're not even from here! You're from Cumbria! Fucking FOREIGNERS!"
(YourLocalGP, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 9:38, 2 replies)

Future of America
Ahhh, here I am in the summer of my youth...actually more like fall...whatever..I am studying to be a teacher of elementary school, and as most teachers do here in the United States, we teach about the Revolutionary War. Because I am in teacher school, we tend to have a lot of discussions about how to go about teaching the subject of war... yada yada, yada..Unfortunately, not everyone is quite attuned to the same frequency as the rest of us. One of my classmates (adult, mind you) asked, quite sincerely, "Who won the Revolution? The North, or the South?"
................. Long slave story short, the Civil War was slightly different than the Revolution, and didn't involve our friends over yonder in Britain in quite the same way. This is common knowledge, but for teachers, such as my colleague, this is stuff left to the professionals, so let's keep it that way. BLESS!
(Astrolabe, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 8:45, Reply)

Amazing dislay
American woman, behind us on plane, with 7-year old boy...

After having held up a transatlantic flight to Toronto trying to get a LAMPSHADE into the overhead storage bin.

Several hours into the flight, afternoon tea is served. Scones with clotted cream.
"Mommy? What's that?"
"Oh that's mayonnaise, honey."
Yes, mayonnaise and jam on a scone. Yummy!

Just about to land, and the CN Tower is visible..
"Mommy, is that the Statue of Liberty?"
"That's right honey!"

Did I mention we were heading to TORONTO in CANADA?
(kilt101, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 8:16, 2 replies)

Vancouver Island
When I first moved to Vancouver Island, I noticed many trades vans with the name "Van Isle" printed on the side. Van Isle Windows, Van Isle Plumbing, Van Isle Electric, etc.

For months I thought, "Wow. That Dutch family has a lot of businesses here."
(DeepBlue, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 5:24, Reply)

Volcanos
Ah, now seems like a good time to ask a question that has been bugging me for some time, in films and cartoons when you see a volcano, if you looked down into one would you actually see the lava?
(hooknak, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 3:09, 3 replies)

Creation
The number of people who believe the world was created in 7 days in mind boggling.

Clearly it was 6 days, because on the seventh he rested.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 2:44, 2 replies)

t'interwebs and googlage
This is from a while back. A current affairs program was discussing the problems of internet pornography and to illustrate their point, they entered various terms into google things like child porn and bestiality and went on to say that there are 10 million child porn website and x million bestiality etc etc. And no, they didn't use quotes around their search terms.

Although this was probably 10 years ago, I think they'd still get away with it.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 2:40, Reply)

American People in Pompeii
On a med cruise, on an American ship we had an interesting time.

Now there were some amazing people, but considerably more total fuck-wits.
I recon most 10 year olds could tell you Pompeii's fate. We went on a nightmarish tour of the incredible site with perhaps 70 of the US's finest. There were probably 200 mentions of Volcano/eruption/lava. Vesuvius was visible from the moment we got on the coach, and the whole time we were at the ruins.

On the way back to the ship one old guy turns to his friend and asked 'So, did they all go mad and, like, kill each other then?'

not sure if this will work, but look at this photo of the Religious section of the on-board library.

www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?pid=4352020&id=678661689
(BigAndyBee, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 2:36, 3 replies)

Evolution (again)
1st year Biology. The lecturer is explaining the idea of spandrels: how not every evolved trait is necessarily an advantage but may be a trait caused by another trait which is an advantage. The classic examples being male nipples (there is no evolutionary benefit in males having nipples but also no evolutionary cost, but there is a strong benefit in females having milk producing organs, and since both are caused by the same underlying genes, the benefit bestowed on females wins out), and the chin (having a chin is a function of having a jaw, which is a distinct advantage).

All this was lost on one poor lass who came out and told a non-bio friend that humans will soon evolve to have no chin as it served no purpose.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 2:34, Reply)

In school in year 6
So I was about 10 or 11, there was this really dim and rather obese girl in the year below. One friday the year 5's were told to go into our class for the afternoon to learn about measurements. We got round to the water measurements and the girl was sat infront of me, who was quite bored not being able to see anything other than fat girl so I thought I'd liven up the afternoon. The question was "what do 1000 millilitres make?" a: a litre. But the girl didn't know so I leaned forward and helpfully whispered the answer. She relayed my answer to the class with great pride: "one water!".

Much laughing ensued
(Captain Sensible "I'll be your animal in a yellow plastic bin", Sun 21 Mar 2010, 2:07, Reply)

My older sister
thought 'molestation' was pronounced 'mole-station.' A station for moles..
I still cannot believe this.
(elless, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 1:53, 3 replies)

today in Wells
on a day trip to Wells today I caused one and witnessed one.

Upon reading a 'Hidden Dips' sign, I said out loud to the other half 'I didn't see any hidden dips.'

Also walking around the town I noticed a series of signs explaining how various streets got their names.
One was something like Henderson Street, named after William 'Jock' Henderson, Bishop of Bath and Wells 1960 to 1975.
Three women walked passed said sign, and one said 'Are those dates his Birth and death dates?'
I am sure young Jock missed out on Sweeney viewing and Chopper riding while spending his brief life guiding local God-botherers.
(BigAndyBee, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 1:50, Reply)

What is the difference
Between ignorance and stupidity?
I guess I'm either being ignorant or stupid for asking this
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 0:41, 11 replies)

Blaady Ingleesh!
Trying to alleviate the boredom of the office last week, my colleagues and I decided to pass a bit of time by playing a quick game of,”who lives in the most dangerous place?” One of my colleagues has the dubious pleasure of residing in the leafy London suburb of Lewisham, so was looking like a shoo-in for the award of, “most at risk of being mugged”. However, all thoughts of competition were quickly forgotten, when we ran into this little gem while checking her score:

www.upmystreet.com/local/crime-in-br1-5ha.html

Check out the table of crime figures, and then the first two comments underneath.
(AdrianJ, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 0:29, 3 replies)

Perhaps not ignorance...
but I saw one of those human statues on Fargate, Sheffield the other day. A small crowd had gathered, but I overheard some of Sheffield's finest say:

"Yeh well, see how still he is when a spanner comes at im"

Classic.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 0:26, Reply)

While on a trip to the United Kingdom
I was in a pub in Scotland, which other than castles, was all we visited. This was a small town called something-or-otherburgh. No, no Edinburgh, which they taught me how it is pronounced. I learned a lot. I learned that Shrek has a horrible Scottish accent, and I learned that 70ish old men who practically lived in their pubs are very ignorant, yes funnily ignorant. I'll call him Mac, for it is what everyone called him, asked us all great, ignorant questions about America. Such as:

"Kin ye see the Umpire State Bildin wair ye liv?" Since I live in the south, my answer was no. "Well then, 's not tha tall then is it?"

I miss that old drunkard.
Edited for spelling, can't type on my phone.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 0:17, Reply)

A colleague of mine
wanted to know where Veal came from. After a worryingly little amount of effort, we managed to convince him it grew on trees in Veal Orchards.There was a slight wobble in his understanding when he looked confused, and stated that he thought veal was a meat. "Naaah, that's venison you're thinking of".

Same colleague, spent ten minutes trying to get rid of a dead pixel on an LCD screen by moving a magnet over it in a circular fasion, on our recommendation. We thought the game was up when a more senior engineer came over and started laughing, but were relieved when his only comment was "You idiot.... ANTI-clockwise" and left him to it.
(Pillock, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 0:10, 2 replies)

"a friend"
...ok me.

After finally getting myself a lovely girlfriend while at uni, I attempted to book a train ticket to visit her over the holidays.

For the life of me, i couldn't find any trains going from the "Leeds train station" to "Devon train station".

/facepalm. also ^ my first ever post!
(asianinternetcafe, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 0:10, 1 reply)

Security risk: PIN contains "numbers"
We had some relatives to stay recently, including an aunt's husband who I've never had much chance to speak to before. He's amiable enough, but it quickly became clear that trying to develop a logical argument about *anything* was a complete mystery to him.

My favourite thing that he told me was about a security problem inherent in bank cards that use a PIN for authentication, because "often, the numbers used for the PIN are also printed on the card itself". I questioned what he meant by that, preparing to show him an array of bank cards that don't have the PIN printed on them, but it turned out he just meant that the four digits that make up the PIN can sometimes be found — individually, randomly — among the other numbers on the card.

He was convinced that this presented a security risk, as criminals could use these "clues" to work out the PIN and steal your money.
(Sir Reginald Slapknackers last slapped his knackers at, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 22:22, Reply)

Overheard in Asda today
Two Whitney dressed as Britney chavs are browsing the easter egg aisle.

Woman No1: How many kids do i have?
(champagnerocker, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 22:18, 1 reply)

I once went on a date with a girl
I know, unlikely, but not only that she was filthy as you like and was extremely well put together.

Alas, early on after I'd made some comment about reading she came out with, "I don't see the point of reading a book - if it's any good they'll make a film out of it."

I knew there would be no second date.*

* Years later I heard via a third party that she'd be interested in a second date as she "appreciated a man who reads books now" **
** Now meaning having dropped a sprog from a slope-browed pikey who'd made himself scarce
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 21:48, 1 reply)

Here's the Pope about child abuse.
www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/letters/2010/documents/hf_ben-xvi_let_20100319_church-ireland_en.html

Here's why he's ignorant and wrong.

www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/letters/2010/documents/hf_ben-xvi_let_20100319_church-ireland_en.html
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 21:47, 1 reply)

Me mate's ex-girlfriend years back...
...decided to ask a few of us after seeing some advert on the telly if a human heart was actually shaped like the symbol commonly used by us all.

I suppressed an instant giggle and replied "It's actually shaped more like a fucking lump of muscle, but card sales plummeted on Valentines Day with the introduction of "I fucking lump you" cards in Clintons for fucks sake."

We kind of laughed at her for the rest of the day after that, the docile twunt.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 21:39, 5 replies)

A friend of mine graded student exams
So there was this student who solved a math question correctly, ie the multiplication of two negative numbers yields a positive number. But the strange thing was, next to the calculation they had written: "bubble negative". It wasn't a misread or a misspell either, it came up in another question and there is was again: "BUBBLE negative"
(bovine intervention, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 21:28, 2 replies)

Overheard a conversation on the train once
between two women who were obviously coworkers. One said she had bought these plastic boxes to store stuff in under the bed. She kept unused toys in there and puzzles. Then the other asked what puzzles were.
(bovine intervention, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 21:21, Reply)

Many people are Ignorant of the noble art of crabbing.
Well 'noble art' could be a bit of a exaggeration, basically you tie a bit of bacon to a string and dangle it into shallow water. The best thing about this is that once one crab grasps on, more crabs grab onto the first crab so when you pull up your line you have a cumulative cluster of crabs.

This being a big part of my childhood beach holidays, I sometimes forget that a lot of people have never heard of it.

So when the conversation at work turned to outdoor pursuits, and I was asked if I fished, the answer:

"No. But I caught crabs before"

led to some hasty explaining. My crabbing line gathers dust, the only thing I catch these days is my foot. Using my mouth.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 20:41, 3 replies)