RADIOS
I work for a bus company who use onboard 2 way radios to communicate with us/them.
One day whilst driving I noticed my radio was not working so thought I,d better tell them its not working.... WITH THE BROKEN RADIO.
A blonde moment if ever there was one.
(andycrass loves two hats on, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 2:57, Reply)

My friend's housemate was a mentalist...
which we knew prior to this incident.

What really cemented it for me though was when he said that the (at the time) new 64-bit architecture was a probability-based architecture. Using quantum (stuff). Even after we'd explained to him that it's just that the memory registers are twice as big as the 32-bit ones, he vehemently tried to defend his position for over an hour.
(jair, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 2:38, Reply)

While in a lowly techy position
for a god awful company, the head of finance comes through with the complaint "My mouse is not working". Well she was technically right, it was not working because it was not there, someone half inched it over the weekend.

The very same woman did not trust the IT department to run her weekly financial backups and did it herself. By putting the cdr upside down in the tray. For a year and a half.

Shockingly... again... the same woman came into IT saying her screen was not wide enough. This obviously peaked the curiosity of the lads in IT and so went to investigate. Despite making the spreadsheets herself, she somehow forget she had the ability to scroll sideways.
(Nirmeth My ignore list is fucking huge. Hint., Tue 23 Mar 2010, 2:00, Reply)

An old co-worker came out with some gems:
I got asked if we have milk & cheese in England because she "didn't know if we had cows there".

The usual question of "so, do you have 4th July in the UK" was met with "no, we just go from the 3rd to the 5th"...and she believed me for months.

"Do you celebrate Easter/Christmas over there, then?"

And of course the classic "So what's your first language? Your English is really good"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 1:12, 2 replies)

When I was about 9,
my brother's girlfriend was at our house. There was a quiz on the TV, it might have been Bullseye. The question was "What is the capital of Belgium?"

"Ohh, I know this, " she cried, "It's erm, it's summat sprouts"


She also thought that stair carpets came in a staircase zig-zag shape.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 1:06, Reply)

another penny sucking attempt to beat the red light...
A famous south-wales surgeon and rugby legend has recently tried to beat the breathalyser by sucking a couple of 2p coins. Missed that at med school then..
( pottybeaver is neither a potty nor a beaver, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 0:58, 1 reply)

Latin!
Mid 1980's, I was at home alone, settling down to watch the marvelous BBC drama "I Claudius", when my dense, loud and obnoxious little sister comes home from her friends house.

Seeing the title of the show, and noticing its not You've Been Framed, she snorts "Whats this shit, I Clavdivs?" ('u' is written 'v' in Latin)

Cue much giggling from me and my Dad.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 0:48, Reply)

onion bhajis
me and a fellow b3ta member when out in newcastle one night had to explain what an onion bhaji was as we always get them after a good drink session from a certain place that make nice big ones. we told friend that it was a living creature u had to pick, they killed it for u and u ate it after its cooking process. he refused to eat them for ages after that. im pretty sure 4 years on he still believes us.

also i remember woman on wheel of fortune had this beuty...

TOM HANKS THE GREEN M_ILE, to which she answerd TOM HANKS THE GREEN MOLE!!!
(funksoul, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 0:45, 4 replies)

blonde barmaid
a member of my staff asked me what the barrel lift is for, then asked me to show her how it works, i turned it on then went to lift the safety barrier to put barrel on lift. she jumped out of the room saying that shes not staying in the lift room cos the whole thing will go upstairs!!!!!
(funksoul, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 0:35, Reply)

Support emails, was it me?
i HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO PRINT FOR THREE DAYS NOW, iT IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE FOR ME TO NOT BE ABLE TO PRINT AS I NEED TO GIVE THESE REPORTS TO THE ENGINEERS.
(caps-lock sics included)

When I used to receive these I sometimes used to wonder who truly was the ignorant one. Me for not knowing there was a user out there who could not print; or the user, for assuming that I was some sort of printer whisperer who knew about every individuals printing woes before they reported them.

Length? Usually dependent on how broken their Citrix client was...
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 0:10, 4 replies)

My girlfriend
and has come out with a few gems once in a while. I'll pass all the geography and politics ones because I understand that some people just aren't interested.

However, if she asks what day it will be tomorrow I always tell her the day it is right now. Because she doesn't know the order of days off the top of her head.

This is especially true for tuesday and thursday. She can genuinely never remember.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 23:52, Reply)

Physiotherapist
This happened to my friend who is also doing a science degree and a physiotherapy student:

"X-rays are absorbed by flesh but pass through bone, that's how they work."
"Erm...no they don't."
"They do, I'm not trying to be condescending, they do."

Repeat ad nauseam.
All credit to him, he's a calmer person than I, he left the room in silent disbelief.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 23:47, Reply)

drink driving
I knew someone who flipped his car into a ditch while drunk. He wasnt badly hurt so when the police arrived, they put him in the back of the cop car and prepared the breathaliser. Now the guy had heard that if you suck on copper coins, they neutralise the alcohol in your breath and you can pass the breathaliser test. This is obviously complete bollocks but he was desperate not to lose his license. He checked his pockets for money but he had no coins on him, only notes. So he did the obvious thing and popped a 20 pound note in his mouth.

He ended up losing his license for a year.
(benito vaselini no not that one, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 22:40, 5 replies)

i used to live with a bloke who honestly didnt know what order the seasons went in.
that is all
(benito vaselini no not that one, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 22:21, 6 replies)

Nigella she ain't
Last week I had to spend 10 mins listening to my colleague trying to think of “that green sauce that goes on lamb...you know, the minty one”.
Usually she’s bright, but sometimes she has the power to end me
(leviathan in a snood Lurking aficionado, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 22:06, 1 reply)

Some teachers think they're so smart
just because they're teachers.

My daughter's teacher was telling me that whilst her spelling wasn't the best but would come with time and I shouldn't worry too much. I insisted it was vital for everyone and everything, but she didn't seem too concerned. I then pointed out she'd labelled a classroom tray as "sqaured paper", and she soon took my point.

Next day she rewrote the label and asked my daughter to replace it.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 22:05, Reply)

Daytime TV lulz
Back in my stoodent days we were watching Trisha, appearing on which was a woman who was married to (or living with) one man but had had a brief fling with another man, and was now pregnant. Trisha said that she should have a paternity test because "there's a 50/50 chance it could belong to the man you had a fling with".

Really Trisha? 50/50? So if I roll a dice there's a 50/50 chance I'll get a 6 because it'll either be a 6 or it'll be another number?

Mind you, I have to grit my teeth when people try to sound clever by using "disinterested" instead of "uninterested". Little hint - if you don't know the difference then you're unlikely to be saying a sentence in which using the former would be correct. Maybe I expect too much of people.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 22:04, 4 replies)

My American boss
I used to work remotely from Ireland for an American company. My boss came over one time to see me (purely for my welfare I'm sure). During some idle chat about what he could do while he was over he asked me in all seriousness how often the trains ran to England...
(MagicMoose, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 22:00, Reply)

teacher
whether this is stupidity, ignorance or a pig-headed unwillingness to listen to sweet reason, i just don't know.

back when i was a little Smash, my class and i were enjoying the last day of term. one of the lads in the class (YES, JOHN COWLEY, I MEAN YOU!) decided it'd be funny to throw my school bag out of the second-floor classroom window. now, i was not pleased by this, so i decided to retaliate. grabbing his bag(school bag, you perverts), i ran out of the classroom and dropped it over the balcony. with much yelliung and name-calling, he ran downstairs to fetch it. seeing a teacher approaching, he slid his new calculator out of his bag and removed the batteries. i knew what the sneaky little fucker was up to, so i ran after him.
"sir! sir!" he yelled, "she threw my bag downstairs and broke my new calculator!" and with that, he displayed his "broken" calculator to the teacher.
"is this true?" teacher asks me. "no, sir," i said, "he threw my bag out of the window, so i threw his down the stairs, but i never broke his calculator, he just took the batteries out of it so it looks broken."
"well, if you've broken it, you'll have to buy him a new one."
"i haven't broken it, he's just taken the batteries out, it's fine, sir."
"if you've broken it, you'll have to buy him a new one."
"but sir, i just told you, he's only taken the batteries out. look!" with that, i grabbed the little shit's hand and wrestled the batteries out of his sweaty palm. i snatched the calculator off dimwit teacher, inserted the batteries and switched it on. it worked just fine.
"see?" i said, "there's nothing wrong with it!"
"yes," says teacher, "but if you've broken it, you'll have to buy him a new one."
by this time, i'm losing the will to live.
"LOOK! IT'S NOT BROKEN!" i yelled, once again demonstrating the not-brokenness of the calculator.
"yes, but if you've broken it, you'll have to buy..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHHH!!! FUCK OFF!"
you could have heard a pin drop in that corridor. i really thought expulsion was looming. turning on my heel, i ran back upstairs to the classroom, expecting to hear teacherly shouting behind me.
i don't know why, but nothing ever got said about it.
still, at least that twat Cowley left me alone afterwards.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:55, 1 reply)

"what's mango chutney made from?"
..enquired the blonde waitress outloud in the kitchen..

i kid you not.
(rollerdisco, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:51, 5 replies)

Whilst travelling to Scotland somewhere......
With my Parents years ago. I should point out where from the North East of England......

Mother had the AA route planner or something and was giving directions. She insisted we take a certain number junction........My Dad insisted that junction didnt exist and was getting very angry after much arguing.....

Then the Immortal line was uttered by her......

'But it says take Junction 36 if coming from the North. Where from the North arnt we.......'

Oh dear.....Shes a teacher as well
(dr-kill, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:36, 2 replies)

Barges
Walking along the canal one day aged about 16 I declared to my friends that I'd like to buy a barge and 'see the world'. They laughed a lot and kindly explained that the furthest that I'd get to was Liverpool! Doh!!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:32, 5 replies)

Two examples from my kiddiness
ONE: I had a playground argument with Andrew in my class about where Sesame Street was made. Andrew was absoutely sure it was made in New York, and I was 100% sure he was wrong.
We went over to the school dinner lady, Mrs Harris, who was watching over us that playtime, for an adjudication. She agreed with Andrew, so I said
"But it HAS to be made in Africa, because they don't have black people anywhere else!!"
(In my defence, it was a rural primary school in the Welsh Marches in the 1970s i.e. about as white as you can get.)

TWO: Years of teenaged wanking over the knicker pages of my mum's Grattan catalogues had firmly imprinted the word "lingerie" on my brain, but I'd never heard anyone say it out loud.
Consequently I was very surprised when I found it was a French word and categorically did not rhyme with "finger me".
I still think it sounds much more furtive and dirty-mac when pronounced my way.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:24, 3 replies)

Me. About 5 mins ago.
I asked a question on "off topic" concerning extension leads for computer monitors, to which I recieved a helpful reply including sales website.

"Make sure get the right ends" says helpful Phillipjoe.

So I visit the website, clicked on "VIEW LARGER IMAGE", looked at the picture on screen then tried to compare it with the cable ends I have by - by detaching the monitor cable.

Brilliant. I ve been to college and everything
(bugboy, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:11, 3 replies)

I went on a German reality TV show for the fame and glory
I learned wearing women's panties does not butter my toast.
(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:09, Reply)

CInema
2 Ive overheard.

1) Titanic. Ship hits Ice Berg; girl behind says "Aaagh; is the ship gonna sink?"

2) Schindlers list. At the final credits "Wouldnt it be terrible if that was true?"
(kitescreech still here, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 21:06, 5 replies)

Schnell! Schnell
A colleague and I were in Germany on business sat in the rear of a car being driven to our hotel. I could see she was getting a bit edgy at the speedo reading over 240kph. I told her that if she said 'schnell' to the driver, he'd slow down a little. The driver heard me and twigged what I was up to, and when she started saying "Schnell! Schnell!" he floored it, and she went mad, saying "No- schnell! Not faster, schnell!"

The driver, the other passengers and me were laughing and suddenly the penny dropped. After a round of "bastards" aimed at me, I asked her what on earth she thought she was saying.

"Well, 'schnell' sounds like 'snail' so I thought it made sense."

Priceless. She's a trainee solicitor now.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 20:57, 4 replies)

(Slightly) Epic toilet fail.
Last night my cat did a (little) bit of poop in the bath.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 20:35, 5 replies)