boats
i work at a pub on the isle of wight, with an outside terrance facing southwards overlooking the english channel

a member of the great british touring public said to me 'is that small white object over there france' ?

the reply was ...

'no mate, thats a P&O ferry, and its moving'

hmmmm
(alidenx, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 22:12, Reply)

Good old Spain
My sister, upon leaving 6th form, took a year out to work as an Au Pair in Spain. She lived in the Port of Vigo with a Spanish couple along with their young daughter.

My mum, Dad and I travelled down from Yorkshire by car, the 24 hours on a ferry before another 8 hours drive to visit my sister in this un-touristy part of Spain.

As you can imagine, after a full week of the Spanish staring at us for driving in an English car, I assume they hadnt seen one before, it got to be a bit annoying. I asked my sister what the translation for "what are you looking at?" was. My sister duly obliged and I spent the second week of the holiday telling all the nosy Spanish to "Soy tonto!!!".

Sadly, my sister never explained to me until we were ready for the gruelling trip home that I had in fact being blurting out to half of the Vigo population that "I am an idiot". Oops.
(BarmyBubba, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 22:10, Reply)

just as a matter of interest ...
where do democrats and new yorkers etc go on hols then? (wangerpeter)

adding quickly that most of the dumb things i've done on hols are down to my scottishness ... etc
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 21:47, Reply)

First Post Many Corrections
I've been coming to b3ta for about two years but never bothered to post anything. I was reading this board and need to state a few facts.
Most Americans you encounter are from the south and midwest. We in NY or "normals" as I like to say can't stand them either.
It is not acceptable here to pronounce worcestershire wrong either.

Pay much attention to Blue/Red States....Red states are "wankers" who voted for Bush
(WangerPeter, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 21:43, Reply)

two american tourists walking through Oxford's covered market at christmas
One turns to her friend, pointing up at the several hundred plucked turkeys hanging up on the wall and asks:
"are they real?"

no dear, they add the blood, smell and the remainders of organs hanging out of them for decoration.
( bookerina, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 20:12, Reply)

French are just as bad as us brits
In an Andorran ski resort, me and my mate were taking our boards off to go into a mountain top cafe. This french bloke pulls up on his skis and says "ouvert?" to my mate, who as it happens cant speak a word of the lingo. I was busy chaining me board to the railings, coming from Newcastle, you do things like that, watching the proceedings. My mate looks at him blankly, that should have been enough really, but the Frenchie just says "ouvert?" louder. This happens a few more time til the Frenchie (notice how i try not to use the word frog) is practically shouting in my mates face until I pipe up "Oui, Ouvert" then he happily goes in for his glass of pastis or whatever they drink over there and me mate looking totally bemused. Just goes to show, if you cant get somebody to understand you, the logical step is to just get louder.
(bobnoxious, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 20:11, Reply)

Harwich
First time i went there i kept pronouncing it Haaaar-witch.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:46, Reply)

I was the clever tourist
When I was a poor student I got the ferry from Belfast to visit my sister at university in Glasgow. Being very diligent, and having exams coming up I brought a file of 'stuff' with me.
On the way home I was stopped by security at the docks
Security girlie "where have you been?"
Me "to visit my sister. "
SG "why?'
Me "just a family visit"
SG " what are all these notes then if it's a family visit?"
Me "just notes, I'm a student"
SG "that's okay then, off you go"

Ha. Silly woman. They were the plans for the IRA to take over the British mainland....
( Wifey, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:39, Reply)

English tourist
I met a fellow Brit in Australia.

She possessed neither alarm clock nor watch. She had also lost her mobile phone.

When offered a mobile phone from her departing travelling companion, her response was 'No thank you. But I'm keeping the hair straighteners.'
( Pachey, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:31, Reply)

The English are just as bad
Being English and living in France I’ve heard a fair few gems over the last few years, some from campers on our site, some from other English we’ve met over here and the rest from my step dad. Most of them aren’t really stupid just people not knowing pronunciations or just ignorance and arrogance on the part of the English. Anyway, here are a few:

I went to a fete at a local village on Sunday where many other English people we know tend to go as well. One guy we know cannot pronounce anything in French and makes little attempt with the language, even telling a French guy that he’d have to speak English as he didn’t speak French. At this fete I went over to the drinks tent and this prick was being served before me. Just as I got there I heard him order a bottle of white wine from the French girl with the phrase “a bottle of blanc (pronounced blank) please”

It’s amazing how many people over here, nearly always older men, refuse to learn the language and just stand there nodding stupidly when being spoken to. And by the way, the one American couple I know over here (and she is a bit plump) speak perfect French, so don’t say no one ever defends the septic idiots.
(Lord of my Ring, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:23, Reply)

Cambridge... bloody tourists
Lion Yard car park, two or three floors are underground, never go that deep as that's where the scary people sleep at night.

I parked the YC one floor underground then walked to the stairs. Tourist walking past with baby in buggy...

"Wheres the lift ?" she asks

"I don't think it's working" I reply

Putting on her best snooty, pompous, shouting, at NPC car-park man, with one shoe bigger than the other voice "Well, I, have got a buggy, so how am I supposed to get out of here"

I paused, intially shocked by tirade, I even had to check I wasn't wearing orthopaedic footwear. I just managed to stop myself apologising for her misfortune. I even checked for Beadle. I hate rude people at the best of times, this one sounded like Revd YC's snooty sister, and had managed to push all of my buttons.

"Well as I don't work here, it's your fucking problem"

Guilty, actually not a bit, if she'd been nice/normal I'd have helped her up the stairs without thinking.
(Yellow Car is now red, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Dayum, lots of Merkin-bashing!
Part of the problem with names/language etc is that the tourists don't even realise that they may need help - the English abroad are just as bad as the Americans. I think the Americans may have a higher percentage of numbnuts because they're just so damned patriotic, and with the Low-IQ tourists this mutates to a kind of arrogance.

Either that, or they're just so loud that you remember them better.

Anyway.

I spent a long weekend in Paris once (met some nice intelligent Americans as it happens), and used my reheated schoolbook French wherever I could - people were very kind and understanding. It all went swimmingly well until we ran out of money and I had to use the credit card to buy a meal - for some reason all I could manage was "You take-a da Visa?"

I've never lived it down.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:08, Reply)

ruder than stupid
i used to work in a bar in a spanish town that was packed with drunk, red, ignorant, British tourists in summer

right opposite was a lovely, family-run Italian restaurant. The whole family spoke several languages, including very good English

but one evening towards the end of the season, an english couple walked in. the made no attempt at speaking the local lingo; in fact they made no attampt at charm at all

"buenas noches senor, buenas noches senora," said the waiter

"fish and chips twice," said fat, ugly red fuck

"perdon?"

"FIISSHH AAAND CHIIIIPSS TWIIIICE, you thick c**t"

your man did actually go to the effort of making fresh fish and fries for the pair of idiots

but confided to me later that he had pissed in their lager
(globalloon, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 19:01, Reply)

Why do foreign people come to crap places?
Why do they come to Croydon? It is up the road from London, but there is little of interest unless you want local Croydon history (great... if you are my mum) or shops that you have in wherever you come from, you backpack wearing swarms...

Emma_fisi: there are a lot of stupid people from Croydon, I should know, I lived there for most of my life and am going back in a couple of weeks (whyyyyyyyyy.....)

Towcester... is that to sound like 'toaster'?

Arf

PS: I have had pictures taken of me in London because I 'look English'. Just what this means, I don't know. I have blue eyes and blonde hair. I have also been told I look German, Swedish, Norwegian... and looked at accusingly in history lessons when learning about Hitler and his predilection for the blondes of this world.

It is not my fault.
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 18:52, Reply)

Blah Blah Blah
blah blah blah loogabarooga blah blah blah "build it closer to the station" blah blah blah "blind people drive" blah blah blah "no, madam, it's pre-America" blah blah fucking blah

Seriously, does anyone still read an answer that starts with the line "This happened to my friend, honest"? I mean I don't neccessarily mind posts that say "A famous incident" or "I once read about this bloke", but ones that start "this happened to me/my friend/my mother/my girlfriend" and then rehash some obvious urban myth are just plain annoying.

-------------------------
Anyway, my story is crap, but what the hell, no-one else has posted it!

I was in Malta and walked past some middle-aged Brits of the "can't-stand-dirty-foreigners-I-only-come-here-for-the-sun variety". As I walked past I heard one woman comment "No, we can't go there tonight; it'll be full of locals".

Takes a "special" kind of person to be xenophobic while in a foreign country. Makes ya proud, doesn't it?
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 18:26, Reply)

A couple of years back, I went to Alton Towers with two friends -
Claire and Sarah. It was raining, so the place was pretty empty, there only seemed to be us, a few families and a group of French exchange kids. During the afternoon the kids took to following us around, jabbering away in french, assuming we wouldn't understand they were calling us 'dumb english bitches' and so on.

Sarah lived in Mauritius til she was ten, French is her first language, so after an hour or so she turned round and said (in perfect French)'You really should be more careful who you talk about, I've understood everything you said, and unless you piss off now I'll go find your teacher and tell her exactly what you've been saying, you stupid little motherfuckers.'

They scarpered pretty quickly, tails between (frogs) legs.
(DeeDee, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 18:21, Reply)

my dad
i was a child and we were all on holiday on some tiny greek island. we walked out for lunch into the middle of nowhere and found a gorgeous taverna.

sunshine pouring through the olive trees, snowy white table cloths, smell of fresh bread and crumbly feta cheese, golden wine glinting in carafes. and a tanned, lean greek man with an enormous black moustache proffering menus. my father being of the school that believes "you don't need to learn a foreign language, just speak english a little louder", said carefully:

"table for four?"

the man stared at him.

"we. are. four." said my dad, holding up four fingers. "table. for. four." he blundered on, pointing vainly at the tables as the man continued to stare.

"FOUR!" my father bellowed, a vein popping in his forehead, and the restaurant owner shrugged in amazement.

"i can see that mate," he said in a pure cockney accent...

of course now my father has learned spanish, he insists on speaking that to everyone instead. even the chinese.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 18:08, Reply)

Uncanny

I've been reading most of these replies with interest...

The other night I went to a restaurant to pick up a carry-out (I live in a large Spanish port town) only to hear two American sailors talking at the bar. So, with all these stories in my head I decided to try it for myself and prove that only American tourists lack basic education.

Me: "Hello, are you enjoying your stay (tick Oirish brogue an' all)?"

They: "Yeah, thanks. Where are you from?"

Me: "I'm Irish."

They: "Wow. You speak English real good."

*******PREGNANT PAUSE********

Me(to restaurant guy in Spanish): "How much longer will that chicken be?"
(roysin, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 17:57, Reply)

The English in England
I've had three friends visit me in London from Carlisle and think that the metal bridge between South Quay and Heron Quays is the Millenium Bridge. Was funny the first time, now I've disowned the city.
(Jaffa The Cake, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 17:56, Reply)

Piss take tourist
I was on holiday in Spain last year with my Greek neighbour. When out many Spaniards would come up to him and speak to him assuming he was a local. He'd let them carry on for about 10 minutes and say 'sorry mate, haven't a f*cking clue what you're on about'

I was never sure if the ice cream man there had run out of ice cream because I didn't know if the custom is the same nor can I understand foreign music
(ElGatodeBarco, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 17:29, Reply)

So
I'm standing in RIGHT IN front of Edinburgh castle.

English (not American) people drive up in a car. One of them leans out and shouts to me.

'EEYA, WHEYARS EMBRA CARSOL?'

It's right there, I say

'OH' they say

'ISABITSMALLINNIT?'

*blank look*

It's all there is, I'm afraid

And then they drove off. Delightful.
(likesteviej, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 17:18, Reply)

I was once
on holiday and didn't hear something insipid, tactless or ignorant spew forth from the swollen grease stained lips of a lard arse arrogant yank .......
not
(Betty Bo Bibster, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 17:14, Reply)

They get painted once a year
While i had the dubious pleasure of working on the Dover - Calais ferries as a student, plenty of stupid questions were fired at us while we quietly got on with cleaning up children's puke. Things like..."how often do the cliffs get painted?" and "what time do we get to paris?" I can't say they only came from Americans but then non-english speakers were generally completely ignored.
(FlashG, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:52, Reply)

Americans, don’t make a fool of yourselves
With this exelent travel guide aimed at the really broad minded traveller.

http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/england/englandFULL.html
( The BrownHaze, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Not exactly a toursit
but sort of - my bosses brother, highly Australian, and a sniper. A fascinating job which I have to say I do wish is the career choice I had chosen. Anyhow...

In a restaurant, perusing the menu, he turns to my boss and asks

Bro: 'what's aw-ber-guyn?'
Boss: 'oh, thats egg-plant.'
Bro: 'ah, I thought it was some kinda critter'

made me laugh anyhow.
( Liquid Crystal, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Carpaccio and Stupid Tourists
I was in Germany with my 13 year old, thrilled to be showing her parts of Europe that I hadn't seen til I was in college. With my fluent-in-German brother, we stopped for lunch at a cafe attached to a castle.

I'd had a Berlitz course in German and my daughter had just finished a year of Deutsch 101. Wow, did I think we were cool! Not. I understood all of the menu except the word "carpaccio", but ordered it anyway, since the rest of the description sounded tasty. My brother gave me a weird look but didn't speak up. When it arrived, I took one look and oh-so-suavely brayed in horror, "But it's raw!"

The handsome young waiter didn't roll his eyes, bless him and very kindly offered to take it back and get something else. I told him no, I'd eat it as a lesson in arrogance.


My daughter laughed her ass off.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:38, Reply)

aloha
Feel anal for pointing this out, but Hawaii is in fact America (the 51st state or something like that) so that poor Japanese girl is not being thick after all.
Re: stupid tourists, An English tourist visiting Hong Kong (where I live), mistakes me for a market vendor and takes the piss out of me, saying to my boyfriend: "Go on, buy it mate, she's desperate". I was showing him a belt. Condescending git.
(schnuff, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:31, Reply)

@manchester
hobagTM is absolutely right.

this is due to it being composed of long chain hydrocarbon molecules, requiring compression ignition rather than a spark. vis a vis, it is not volatile.

athankyou. /coat.
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Not me and not overheard however...
just saw this on Eurosport's live coverage of the Tour de France:

"The spectators are out in their thousands. Some stupid souls are running alongside the riders, getting in the way and just not thinking straight. Most notably, they are Americans."
( Rainbow Mong, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:20, Reply)

The british.... arf
I was in a restaurant, and I heard a silly northern english tourist (sounded a bit newcastley... is jeordie the word? I forget.) ask for a 'beefburger'. A beefburger. Strange. I politely corrected him, telling him it was called a hamburger.

His reply: 'But it's made of beef, not ham, isn't it?'

I tell you, bloody silly English don't even speak our language properly. Don't they have schools over there? I swear.
(spazdor, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 16:13, Reply)