So once I thought - "Is there a place?"
Somewhere to tell your mundane life
Your routine, normal, dullard strife
In moribund normality?

And then I found b3ta
An output for frustrated ire
An output for those bound by dire
Constrictions of reality.

How I embraced the open minded
Venting of dulled humanity
The loose grip on the sanity
That modern life enforces

Slowly the scales fell from my eyes
The sanctity which I once saught
Despoiled by those who grimly wraught
The posts of "I love horses."

Iconoclasts! The lot of 'em
I brought my presence to O/T
A welcoming community
For those of thoughtful leaning

Now what is this I subscribe to?
Disharmony and rage
A battle for the popular page
Disturbing and demeaning

There was a creativity
A pride in what we wrote
Always the better anecdote
The celebrated story

And now we are reduced to this
The dull and sychophant
A hollow, empty, lonely rant
THREE CHEERS FOR GOOD OLD RORY
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 20:10, 6 replies)

damm the sweets!
I was once working in a stores where we would deliver sweeties to the surrounding shops. One day my boss was a little upset that he had been caught rattling some filth pot instead of wanking quietly in his bathroom so his wife couldn't hear.

anyway... whilst calculating how many boxes of crisps we would need to satisfy the next weeks orders a pile of boxes about 8 high fall onto him. He tried to move but a trolly (the ones with two high sides and two open sides) containing a few big 5 kg bags of sweets got in his way.

Well, he wasn't to impressed - he threw what ever was in his hands on the floor and tried to shove the trolly out of the way - it wouldn't move (since they only have swivel wheels on one side) - he got angrier and angrier until he flipped and kicked the fuck out of the sweets on the trolley - amazingly none spilled out and we sold them the next day.

I swear, nothing can cheer you up more than seeing a grown ass man kick the shit out of a bag of coconut macaroons!
(Clit Ninja is having a white space party!, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 16:20, Reply)

Pricks

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 16:20, 14 replies)

burn
i'm on the verge of a tantrum right now and it's my own fault. my bra strap is rubbing the fuck out of my sunburned shoulders and it's got to the point where i'm muttering to myself and swearing at my bra. i give it about 10 minutes before the damn thing gets launched across the room.
grrrr.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 14:22, 22 replies)

Jesus....
How easy was that?








Cocksuckers.
( Ken Oath, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 13:12, 49 replies)

You know what prima donnas musicians can be?
Well, when I was in a band, the drummer was a complete knob. Everything had to be exactly the way he wanted, or he'd go off on an enormous strop.

Well, he'd ordered a new custom drum, in fire engine red. But when it arrived, it was beige.

Oh, he went mental. He shouted, screamed, and then chucked the offending item across the room.

That's right - he threw a tan drum.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 13:06, 7 replies)

Question of the week
Tantrums ignored for poems
that were shit, frankly
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 12:25, 1 reply)

You want a fucking tantrum?

Here's a fucking tantrum...

I fucking love this site.....but…..I increasingly fucking hate all the small minded petty trolls (what other kind is there?) that are slowly and insidiously dominating all the pleasant and fun aspects of this site.
Troll….such a feeble term …it infers cute Scandinavian creatures, instead, in real life you are frustrated control freaks hereby referred to as dogshits.
Complete and utter manipulative control freaks, frustrated arseholes seeking fame in a fishbowl.

Fuck off.

Years of lurking, finally joining up, and then posting a few stories....
It's what I truly love…..writing shit on B3TA, some true, some truly exaggerated, the thrill of writing in the public arena for all to see, copping flack, marvelling at other people's astonishing skills. But lately….shit, whatever I write, some dogshit will post some shitty smartarse comment to make me feel like shit.

So, yep, get fucked you dogshits, you win, you sad fucking killjoys….after a while it gets you down. And no, a black comedy site, in my opinion, doesn’t always necessitate sustained abuse, derision and belittlement to derive humour.
I'm sure the usual baying dogshits will accuse me of holding the high moral ground, but yes, I fucking do so, proudly, because I know that the dogshits seek sad fame in "ignores" and "stepping". Oh for fuck's sake, stick it up your arse. (Collective)

You contribute fuck all (ok, some are funny, most are just inane abuse, worthy of scrawl on the walls of public bogs)……Take a good hard fucking look at yourself and think why you take so much delight in deriding just about every post on here.

Whatever, you deadshits, get fucked.




Thanks for the entertainment, and the brief opportunity to entertain.
( Ken Oath, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 12:15, 132 replies)

John Connor?
He really pisses me off.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 11:53, 2 replies)

Don't swing your pole where it isn't wanted.
Not mine but my missus.
We went to the pub 1 night with 2 other couples - my mates and their missus. We were sitting at a table next to the pool table. It was our local and altho the boys knew each other fairly well - fishing trips etc. the ladies were not so well acquainted.
After a while the blokes decided we needed some green smokers re-leaf *MASSIVE DRUGS*. So off we toddled to my place to locate pipe, cone and etc.
As we returned we passed a cop car in the carpark. Que?
And then all 3 ladies appeared out the front of the pub, quickly jumping in and urging me to "FLEE, FLEE, FLEE". (I was skipper). Off we went home to finish our evening.
Us blokes were somewhat perturbed as to what went on, but as the night wore on the story emerged.

Apparently after we left some bloke started swinging his pool cue whilst playing (Tom Cruise style) - swinging it very close to the 3 ladies at the table nearby. He was asked several times to desist by all the ladies at the table & he ignored them. He then continued to swing his pool cue around.

Cue my missus standing up and shouting at him to stop. At which point he threatened her with the pool cue.
So.
She punched him in the nose.
In front of the entire pub. Including his girlfriend who happened to be working behind the bar.

He started crying. Apparently like a little baby girl.
In front of the entire pub. Including his girlfriend who happened to be working behind the bar.
So.
His missus called the cops. & that's where we entered the story.

TL;DR?

My missus has a mean right hook.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 25 Jul 2012, 10:49, 7 replies)

Go on then...

There once was a website called B3ta
Whose premise could not have been neater
But one decade on
Originality gone
On a cliff edge I fear it does teeter
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 10:42, 6 replies)

You're all cunts.
Seriously. All of you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 9:40, 8 replies)

limerick
Janet Aylia was awfully dull
And she tried very hard not to troll
She lacked basic wit
And her posts were all shit
Lets hope she ends up going to Hull
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 9:31, 32 replies)

Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 9:23, 10 replies)

I pissed in the f-hole of my dad's cello.
What a depressingly middle class story :(
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 9:00, 6 replies)

I knew that this place was now dead
when it all went apeshit about ‘shed’
What we need is a cull
of the shit that’s so dull
like ‘a surgeon walked into a bed’.

It makes me incredibly bored
Makes me yearn for the days of Accord
And the lies about sex from the shut-ins in specs
or the ‘pimp with the samurai sword’.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 8:59, 6 replies)

Specially for Bazongaloid Superfly with a badger gonna GIT yo sucka!!!!
An Internet shut-in called Quentin
Misread a post that was sent in
He had such a fit
Al suggested "You git -
Find another place, to get bent in!"
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 8:42, Reply)

when i was a teenager
i got mad and flew a plane into a building because they won't let me have those awesome little bottles of alchohol on board
( Alligator Shitfuck 2-1 Stay Frosty, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 4:17, Reply)

It's shit I know but look at the subject matter.
My name is Amorous Badger,
stories of failure I collect.
From who fucked your mum
to where you stuck your tadger.
The 1 thing I can't seem to connect
is why everyone get's in a tiz
when I say
"So your story is..."
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 25 Jul 2012, 4:08, Reply)

Ode in the syle of Shambo...
Christ, you cunts are all thick.
These limericks are making me sick.
Your mums are all whores.
Grease the hinge on your doors,
Fuck off, and don’t be a Prick.
( Ken Oath, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 2:32, 16 replies)

Tales of tantrums are much too dull..
O the shame of it all
Your brother would bawl
And sister would piss
Her pants out of pique.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 1:55, Reply)

a board called 'questions of the week'
told stories that would shame a geek
'I'm tougher than you!'
'I ate my mum's poo!'
'Well yeah, but fuck you i once beheaded someone and then my hot sister fucked me and blah blah' I ended up feeling quite meek...
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 22:29, 5 replies)

I used to enjoy this board
Of humorous stories a hoard,
But the laughter has faded,
The tales seem jaded,
This jocular boxer's been floored.

So what can we do,
To improve this brew,
To turn the scale back up,

Try a short dittie,
Some might be quite shitty,
But one might just win the cup.

I hope it will work,
Or I'll feel a jerk,
And have resort to extolling,

The virtues of sheds,
Accords and drug threads,
And even turn to some trolling.

So don't give me grief,
I tried to be brief,
I might have got carried away,

I think I will stop,
Must learn photoshop,
And on the main board I can stay.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 24 Jul 2012, 22:19, Reply)

A challenge
Limericks! Oh good, right, I'll bet
That I can write the greatest one yet
First I'll finish my orange
Then I'll, erm... Aw shite
(Figmaus, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 22:03, 2 replies)

I suppose these cunts think they are daring,
but their comments are utterly wearing
Devoid of real wit,
their repetitive shit
makes B3ta barely worth baring.
--
You're a seasoned old poster the young man said,
and your critique's exceedingly shite
and yet you're consistently filling the board,
with something that's not quite insight.
--
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 21:16, 12 replies)

A scary scary tantrum
It’s not particularly amusing (and it’s not a rhyme – what’s going on?) but I survived a tantrum from an elderly woman with dementia. In her house. With the doors locked. And she liked knives.
I should’ve posted this in the ‘burning in hell question’ last week but it never occurred to me. Basically while working as a carer for old people I had to see one woman who lived on her own despite having alzheimers. Now my gran has it as do many people in my family, and us young uns have got plans ready (well, one plan and it involves one way tickets to Switzerland). But it’s a horrible disease I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I have so much sympathy for the sufferers. That said... (here’s why I’m going to be seen as a super bitch)... I hated going to visit this woman soooo much! It was always the worst part of the day.
Thanks to cuts the carers all had to work alone which, aside from being super lonely, is a little bit scary when the dementia woman locks you in her house at 8am, shouting at you for trying to break her door and stealing her keys. And she takes knives out the drawer (real ones, not butter knives).
I need a better paying job – I did slightly feel that particular session really deserved more than £3.20 wages. And when I rang the office to let them know there’d been an ‘incident’, the office bitch laughed and just said, yeah she does that.
(Bambola, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 20:04, 2 replies)

There once was a humorless prick,
Who was too thick to know he was thick.
His stories were dreary
And his whinges were teary
He'll think this is about him, the prick.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 18:47, 9 replies)

Crumbs, chief.
When I was about 8, I had made a mess under the table with cake crumbs. Luckily, no-one else had seen them, so all I had to do was make it through the rest of tea and no-one would be any the wiser.

I was asked to get some milk from the fridge, which was in the utility room, which also housed all the floor mops, cleaning gear, and canned soup.

While I was in there, my Dad shouted through "Can you bring the floorer?" This I took as a request to bring a floor mop to clear up the crumbs.

Cue tantrum - "I'm not clearing it up! It wasn't my fault! It was my sister! Mum can do it!" - much to my father's complete bewilderment as he was just asking for Flora margarine.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 16:41, Reply)

Bald spots and ruler shards.
I recall a kid at school who we could effortlessly taunt into a screaming, incoherent rage by repeating his name. Perhaps he didn't like his name, I don't remember.
He was awesome to watch in action, pulling out his own hair, beating his chest with puny fists and stamping around in circles. He even did the foamy flecks in the corner of his mouth to great effect.
During one wonderful occasion he grabbed the canvas bag of one of his classmates and tried in vain to tear it apart, even biting it like an angry toothless puppy as we watched on in silent amazement.
My favorite memory of him was when he snapped a plastic ruler to demonstrate his angry power and a sharp edged chunk of it struck him under the chin resulting in a spectacular amount of blood.
Naturally we then convinced him that he'd severed his "juglear" and would be dead in minutes, which set him off again when he discovered this to be an untruth.

So, I apologise to you Paul Pauly Paul Paul, if you're out there reading this. I hope you've found peace.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 15:39, 1 reply)

Hmmm
If 'to act like a cunt' is your goal
Then why not try being a troll?
Just stick things up your bum
Go and live with your mum
and spend all of your life on the dole
(King Nightmare, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 14:57, 11 replies)