I buy Sainsbury's
value toilet roll. It's only 37p for four rolls. I'm only going to wipe the shit off my arse with it.

At least it's Sainsbury's and not Lidl!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 27 Oct 2008, 16:52, 14 replies)

tight wad
So my flatmate, he fell out with his girlfriend and needed somebody to move in. So when i moved in the house was like a skip, so i've spent £10,000 doing the place up. Leather sofa, huge tv, etc. And what has he done? Found a fridge on the side of the road we keep beer in.

Enter his bedroom and his bed my mate gave him his tv, his video he found in the bins, his computer my mate gave him, his dvd i gsve him, his clothes his mother bought him, His car his mother bought him. The last thing anyone can remember him buying was an xbox
(original Xbox)

and he buys supermarket own label food, drinks supermarket own label beer.
(javpanda, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 16:38, 5 replies)

my old boss
jesus, where do I start?

Right, first and foremost is that he refused to pay our wages straight into our bank accounts and would come round and give us all a cheque. I don't know if it's cheaper to pay by cheque than by BACS, though I suspect it was because he wanted to make sure the money was available before he paid it out rather than just the automated bank method.

He was in a partnership with another guy who ran a building firm. Consequently, the partner owned the building itself (the groundfloor was rented by a small restaurant). As an office environment, it was shoddy at best.

The main studio (being a web-design company) was not kitted out with nice office furniture. It was a huge hand-made work-desk thing using 2x2 carcase timber and offcuts of kitchen worktops. Some MDF had been erected to seperate the individual work areas.

The floor was not level and sloped into one corner. Probably a rotten joist. That happened to be the corner nearest to me, consequently I had to bring a bit of rag in from home to wedge under the chair-wheels to prevent my chair rolling away from the 'desk'.

The computers we used were knackered, cheapest of the cheap built from second-hand parts from eBay. Some of them were fitted with CD-burners, but only one of them worked; occasionally.

The printer was a cheap Epson thing that was about 4 years old. I suspect it was his printer, but then bought himself a new one and brought the old one into the office. He used the cheapest inks off eBay (again) so the blacks weren't even black and the colours were banded. The thing finally packed up, so rather than going out and spending maybe £70 on a decent replacement, he took a screwdriver to it and attempted to mend it. He finally gave up, and brought his own printer in from home after treating himself to a new one.

The office phone comprised of one of those wireless phones with 2 handsets. (£19.99 from Argos, maybe a tenner on eBay)
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 16:36, 4 replies)

Kendra
Though the names have been changed, this is all true.

Kendra. A lass from Germany, two years my senior. She's attractive and tall, with legs that go on forever and an arse that men would go to war over.

She's also a hardcore lesbian. And by that I don't mean she acts in explicit lesbian pornography, but is very much a militant feminist, to the extent of being uneasy around men.

So I'm not quite sure why we're shagging. I'm not particularly attractive, nor particularly womanly - I'm 6 foot 5, broad-chested and regularly wrestle bears with my eyebrows whilst juggling cars with my biceps*.

Yet we are indeed shagging, regularly and enthusiastically.

I remember our first encounter.

Being a gentleman, I imbibed of the furry cup as we began, in accordance of my S.O.P. - Shagging Operational Procedures. I enjoy cunnilingus, and almost all women do as well. Besides, giving the lady an orgasm or three to begin is always a good idea.

In any case, after bringing her to several successive climaxes with my mouth, it became impossible to ignore the restlessness brewing below decks, as it were. In a display of amazingly fortuitous timing, she brushed her long hair away from her eyes and informed me in no uncertain terms that she wanted me to introduce our respective sexual metaphorical representations.

As she is a lesbian, I am only her second male partner, and she has never really been a fan of penetrative sex - though she admits I am rather rapidly changing her opinion on that - and as such our first encounter was only the third time she'd ever had anything betwixt her legs besides tampons and womens' tongues.

Thus, she was indeed tight. Painfully so, in fact. Far be it for me to blow my own trumpet, but I am endowed of above-average girth (if only of average length, alas) and as such the phrase 'taking it slowly' became very literal.

K: "Aaah, God, you're too big!"
DL: "I'm not in yet."

So began a long night of very, very slow movement, exacerbated by the fact that I suffer from Delayed Ejaculation**.

In fact, it took until our third encounter before she was able to accommodate me and properly introduce our pubic foliage.

So there you have it. The tightest person I know***.








*May not be strictly true, though in the wide spectrum of male archetypes I am firmly within the machismo-laden Manly Man section, along with anyone who can lift their own weight, eats red meat and knows how to fix things.

**Essentially Premature Ejaculation's Nemesis. I oft take more than half an hour of action to see a single orgasm. Kendra is the only woman to have ever complained about the fact that our orgasm ratio is in excess of 20:1.

***I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 16:34, 13 replies)

Scallops
Sorry if it's a bit out of topic.

For the last 3 months I've been living in Sweden. Everything gets paid for the company and I get to eat in very expensive restaurants. Not that I really fancy them, as I always feel I've paid too much for too little food, but some times you only want something warm at your hotel instead of wandering in the cold night looking for a place to eat.

Anyway, last Thursday I stayed in Gothenburg in a very fine hotel. Very cool, with gym and jacuzzi and sauna and all those things. As I got there late and was quite hungry I just went to the hotel restaurant which I knew would be expensive.

I ordered a starter which (from the description of the menu) consisted in scallops a bed of lentils and potato puree with asparagus. All for the reasonable price of £15.

Not too bad, I thought, until the dish came. It had ONE scallop and ONE asparagus. ONE!!! For that money they could at least put 2. Tight twats.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 27 Oct 2008, 15:37, 6 replies)

True story

Our work dress code is 'smart but casual' so, each day, unfailingly, I turn up in a fairly smart, conservative shirt, dark chinos and 10-hole black DM boots (I know. I'm a right fashionista). As I've not varied this combo in over five years (except v. hot weather: short sleeved shirt, pale chinos, deck shoes), clothes shopping is simple. So, around 9 months ago, I needed a new pair of dark chinos - off I went to Gap, found a pair in black, 32" waist, 30" leg, paid, went home.

Mrs G said, "Look, why don't you get two pairs? Then, when you dribble your lunch over one pair, you'll have a spare?"

Seemed logical. Off I went the next day: 32" waist, 30" leg, black, flat-front chinos. Thank you very much.

The following Monday, thought I'd wear my new pair. Shit! I'd only got a pair of 30" waist, 32" leg by mistake. Had also binned the receipt as I knew they would be OK.

So...what does tightwad Grimsdale do? That's right, I'm determined to lose 2" off my waist or die trying. Only an inch or so to go and they'll fit like a glove. Tried them on this morning and could get them up fine - apart from the unsightly muffin top - but the obvious outline of 'Little Che' might not have gone down too well in the office.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 15:12, 10 replies)

My mate...
sat next to me with a very despondent look on his face. Obviously pondering over something serious, he took a swig of his can of ale, brushed off the flaky crumbs from his Gregg's pastry and meat based lunch, and took the cellophane off of a new unopened pack of 20 tabs.

"It's the money thing, Pip. It's really getting to me" he says as he looks out into the distance and draws a long thoughtful swallow on his cig.

"You're doing ok aren't you mate?" says I. "Oh yeah" he says, "but me and the Missus have had to cut back on non-essentials".

"What like?" I inquires.

"Well" he says, "only this morning I couldn't risk giving the missus £2 for her bus fare to get to work, and it was horrible watching her walk off up the road in the rain".

Gotta love him.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:47, 1 reply)

tightwad
My boss disabled the turbo on one of the Transits to try to improve the fuel economy.

All went well until the engine exploded outside the prison, causing a bomb alert at said gaol, and coating some poor little old lady in partially burned diesel.

A new engine was required.
(coobeastie Used to Be in Evil Gazebo, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:46, 2 replies)

This is the only tight thing I do (honest)
every day, before leaving work, i make sure I take a shit, in order to save on using toilet paper at home
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:44, 5 replies)

Once...
We found our old dog eating grass in the back garden. So, putting two and two together, we thought we'd leave him to it.

I miss him.
(Lordfudgington is hiding the expense report filed on, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:42, 1 reply)

Tightwad Employers
During the 60’s I worked at an American firm that dealt with recruitment of manual workers. We would find jobs for all sorts of companies or well off private individuals that contacted our office.

There were a number of prospective employers that were well known by the staff. They would call the office and hire 2 or more staff to participate in security work every few months. We would send the résumés of some of the better trained applicants that were once in the specialist forces or had some combat experience but they would always be ignored for the cheaper candidates that would wear the appropriate uniform and do whatever they are told for a third of the price in wages.

Predictably we would receive a call back from the employer a few weeks later to say that the people they had employed were useless and lost a fistfight to Adam West and Burt Ward.

At that point I would calmly tell the irate employer that they should have hired a professional rather than save a bit of cash by hiring inexperienced morons that will dress as a pirate and yell Yo Ho after every command.

They must have had the worst memory too as they would repeat the exact same stunt every single time they escaped from Arkham. Bloody supervillains.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:16, 5 replies)

Me
Rather than spend frankly excessive amounts of cash on fancy dress items for nights out at uni, I improvise - with binbags.

Halloween? Binbag with arm holes poked in it = binbag monster.

'P' themed party? As above, with additional carrier bag stuck to the front = penguin.

'Bad Taste' evening? As Halloween, except tell everyone you're one of Madeline's arms.

'Kinky' party? Binbag again, but tape it up a bit more tightly, and claim to be a gimp.

Works every time, though using a clean bag is recommended.
(Merrep, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:16, 12 replies)

money saving tip
A lot of you might know this one - instead of buying sugar, steal it.

No seriously...collect those little sugar packets at cafes, service stations etc. They're absolutely free. If you are really desperate, I'm sure the same logic also applies to salad cream, brown sauce etc etc.
(VicePresidentOfTheFunk, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:59, 12 replies)

Bindun?
My old man: "Right missus, get your coat on."

My old dear: "Why, are we going out somewhere?"

My old man: "No, I am - so I'm switching the heating off."

This joke works on an additional level for my family, as my old man was so tight that he never put the heating on in the first place.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:39, 1 reply)

Mum's looking after the pennies......
I was in the second year of high school getting changed back into my uniform after P.E. A quick glance around the changing room and I noticed that my shirt was a different shape round the bottom to everyone elses and it seemed to button the opposite way also. Left handed shirts? No. Mum had been sending me to school in my elder sister's old school blouses. Even taking the time to unpick her name tag out of the collar and sew mine in.

Fast forward a few years and I thought I'd be clever and raise the blouse issue at a family get together to highlight her tightwad ways. Shame it backfired as Mum countered my story by telling everyone that as well as wearing blouses at school, the "trunks" that I would wear to my swimming lessons when I was about 7 or 8 were infact hand-me-down bikini bottoms.

Scarred for life I tell thee!

*pop*
(smithe-ingelby-smithe, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:24, 6 replies)

food colouring
is much cheaper than hair dye.

It won't dye your hair.

It will dye your scalp.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:22, 4 replies)

wheatgerm.
It's much cheaper than cereal.

Not as good an idea as it first appeared.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:21, 2 replies)

Another sad au pair story
I too worked as an au pair, for the pathetic sum of £35 per week when I was 17. The family I worked for were incredibly wealthy, and I moved to Paris with them for 3 months.
At 5'2 and about 7 stone I wasn't exactly a greedy bastard, but they inexplicably wouldn't feed me properly. They expected me to feed myself out of my £35 a week, but as I was only given time off for one afternoon, it was almost impossible to buy any food.
I couldn't eat with the parents, so was often stuck in the kitchen with 3 kids under 6, and had to eat their leftovers! As I often cooked their supper, I'd put bits aside for myself. It's really shocking remembering this.
I had to share a bedroom with their horrible 6 year old kid. I was allowed 5 hours off a week.
The last straw came when I had to go on holiday to the south of france with them.
Stuck in the middle of nowhere, I was not allowed to use the phone in the chateau we were staying in, to find out my A-level results.
So I asked for a couple of hours off, and walked in the baking midday sun into the nearest town, and rang my mum. My results weren't ready, there was a cock-up. 'Ring back at 3 o'clock, they think they'll be ready then'.
So, you guessed it, I walked back to the chateau, got on with more chores, then, again, left at 2 to get into town (they had a car and it would have taken them 5 minutes to drop me there) and finally got my A-level results. My mum and best friend whooped down the phone, I had done brilliantly, against all expectations.
I walked back, and into their extended boozy family lunch.
'How did you do?' the mother disinterestedly asked.
I smiled broadly and told them.
The nasty little six year old sneered at me and shouted 'That's nothing, I got a gold star in my English test at school!'.

When it was my time to leave them, they wouldn't give me the £50 I needed to get the train and ferry home, as they'd agreed in the beginning. So my wonderful older sister, who had come to pick me up on her way back from a trip with friends, paid for me to get home.

I laughed with total relief and hysteria all the way home.

I've never met such a miserable, nasty bunch of losers in my life. Even the baby was a miserable cow. Apparently the kids grew up to be very troublesome and out of control.

Good.
(picmaestress, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:09, 4 replies)

my gran again
Always used to give me a pound for my birthday.

This would have been fine if I was a small child, but I was in my twenties. The very last time she did her senility was well advanced and she grabbed my arse and squeezed it at the same time, almost as if she was attempting to solicit sex for a quid. From her grandson.

I have no idea who she thought I was.

/mindbleach
( rofl harris, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 13:03, 1 reply)

My dad used to fix machines for factories
"I've been working at the pot noodle factory and they gave me a couple of crates for free".

Eating lost its attraction for a couple of months
(teebie jeebie, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 12:50, 5 replies)

An old friend of mine
Refused to pay extortionate prices for designer clothes. I completely agree with this, and I can count the number of designer clothing items I own on one hand, and could still count them on one hand if 3 of my fingers got blown off in a spunk-bomb accident.

However my friend, rather than simply buy clothes from Primark and the like, would buy a plain white T shirt and crudely draw a Nike swoosh on it in permanent marker.

Funnily enough the ladies found this adorable, so bear this trick in mind next time you're looking to fork out £50 on an Adidas stringed vest.
(GONEism, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 12:41, 1 reply)

That'd be me
When I move from job to job I have a little mental checklist that I complete when I start.

- Where are the loos?
- Who are the ones I can safely ask stupid questions to?
- Can I get away with arsing around on the internet for at least 60% of my working day?
- What is there in the workplace that I can take that will improve my quality of life?

For example, when I worked in the petrol station, rather than pay for lunch, I would pick something off the shelf, "damage" it and eat it.

When working at the hotel I was also living in abject poverty with my then girlfriend, so by taking boxes of sachets of coffee, tea, milk, sugar, teaspoons and mugs, we saved a fortune on our weekly shop. This also applied to towels, loo roll, polish, air freshener, even toilet cleaner. Many a happy hour was spent in lectures with a bag chock full of mini pots of milk and toilet duck.

Working at the library was also a treat. I sell a lot of stuff on ebay, and thanks to a wealth of envelopes, bubble wrap, sticky tape and a very malliable postage system, I could post all my goodies for free, increasing my profits.

...yes, I'm aware this makes me more of a thieving pikey shit than a tightwad, but tightwad sounds marginally better so I'm going with that.
(GONEism, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 12:12, 7 replies)

ill be honest
Im not a tightwad myself, but given the current climate, this QOTW has inadvertently turned into a great - how to save money thread.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 12:09, Reply)

clocks
A fella I know takes the batteries out of his clocks when he goes on holiday.
( no longer a user, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 12:00, 3 replies)

Car boot gaffe
Not terribly long ago, I was invited to a Christening. The event was heaving with people, and not surprisingly there was a table full of gifts for the new sprog, the progeny of a couple well known for furnishing their house with the contents of rubbish skips.

A couple of weeks later, I happened to run into the proud parents at a local car boot sale. Their stall, you will not be surprised to hear, was brimming with christening gifts, ranging from 50p to a fiver.

The double-take they gave me was a joy to behold, as was the not terribly good save "We're not selling yours - we liked your present."
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 11:56, 5 replies)

Breakfast item exchanges
There was a place in Brighton (Puccini's?) that did really good breakfasts.

I don't like eggs, so they always let me have a sausage instead. It turned out they were quite liberal with their exchange policy.

The next week I asked if I could have 2 sausages instead of 1, and they obliged.

But eventually they put up a sign saying "no exchanges" when my friend ordered, "small breakfast please, but can you swap the beans for a chicken kiev".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 11:38, 7 replies)

My grandma
She got very bad her last years because of the Alzheimer. Before we knew about the illness we started to suspect strange things were happening to her. She got very very tight. So much that she would take the home phone (one of those big ones, with a dialing wheel, however it's called) and put it in her bag every time she went outside to make sure nobody used it.

I miss her a lot. Honestly.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 27 Oct 2008, 11:32, Reply)

Our dog
We used to have a maltese poodle who on more than one occasion ate his own shit. I guess as kids we found this highly amusing so would watch the whole spectacle and then run round the house screaming "He ate his shit, he ate his shit!" at the top of our voices much to the chagrin of my mother. Now that I'm older I recognise that perhaps we missed a trick and given some more encouragement and training we could have trained our dog to become a fully self supporting shit eating machine which requires no maintenance. This would be particularly helpful for the hard up elderly who do so crave company.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 11:14, Reply)

To Hull, on the double!
"Big Issue!"
Yes. I know.
"Big Issue, please!"
Why? I don't have a copy to give you, but you've already got a whole pile of them just behind you anyway. Are you trying to start a cartel or something? I'll report you for that.
"It's for the homeless..."
But I'm not homeless, so I represent the wrong target audience.


Some would say I've missed the point. I would reply that it's probably best not to try to sell stuff to a pedant.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 11:12, 16 replies)

Maintenance
Rather than buy the maintenance department a new laptop, I'm replacing the hard drive and reinstalling windows onto their current shagged one.

I'm tight even with the company's money!

(plus they still haven't done half the jobs I asked them to do, so they can bollocks if they think I'm giving them anything!)
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 10:57, 2 replies)