Chavs living in Braintree
Try to keep away from Braintree, especially at night as I live there and I an always armed and looking for you.
(Bodster, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 19:53, Reply)

Gents cumming too soon?
If the whole sexual experience has got you at the point of erruption a little too soon. Pull the ole tackle out and press firmly with your thumb and two fingers just under the bell end. It will stop the little future chaps from making a swim for it ;)

(ok oops bindun in this thread already)
OK then Sore throat: put brown onion skins in a glass of water for 30 mins. Remove then drink. Voila! no sore throat. (best done with a pack of double mint ["onions?" "yeah I love em"])
( sPUNKer do your pictures for nothing get abuse for free, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 17:30, Reply)

Walking a dog
Never have a poo just before taking the dog for a long (2 hours or so) walk, on a warm day.
Your bum will sweat, your arse will chafe so badly it glows, and the resulting stain on your cecks will (a) never come out & (b) smell so offensive you will retch when you sniff it.

I speak with the bitter voice of experience. Again.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 8:20, Reply)

Sleeping dogs
No matter how much they appear to be asleep, NEVER leave a plate of sandwiches on the floor to go and get a drink, as when you get back the dog will be in the same place, but you will have a plate that is spotless.

I speak with the bitter voice of experience!

Bugger.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 8:09, Reply)

Haggling
If you're ever in India (or anywhere else where prices depend on how well you can argue/lie), and wondering how to get a better price on something, just say "Alright, then I don't want it" and walk out of the shop. Best strategy. It's a risk, but upon seeing your wallet-laden pants strolling out his door, your average Indian shop keeper will cut his prices to the bone.

Just an observation from a four-month stay in the country.
(Poogle, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 6:31, Reply)

blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
( harpski, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 1:25, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

An Irishman told me this in a pub.
Marry a woman with small hands. Makes your knob look bigger when they wank you off.
(Monkey Festerer, Sun 14 Jan 2007, 19:42, Reply)

hiccups
if you have hiccups, eat a spoon full of sugar. I'll be fucked if I know why it works.
(Monkey Festerer, Sun 14 Jan 2007, 19:37, Reply)

If you get crabs
pour vodka and splinters down your crotch.
They'll get pissed, then end up jousting till death.
( Drunken Vet, Fri 12 Jan 2007, 16:54, Reply)

which meaning?
"going on a bender in Hyde Park Corner"

I believe the pc phrase is 'having same gender intercourse in a public place'.....unless of course you mean getting pissed as a fart.

Pretty similar result whichever you mean though!
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 12 Jan 2007, 12:50, Reply)

*Bishops take note
thinking of going on a bender in Hyde Park Corner? when you're found pissed up in the gutter with your pants around your ankles it's fair to say the "i was mugged" option has pretty much been exhausted

*also applies if you're Kevin Spacey 'walking the dog' at 4am on Clapham Common
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Fri 12 Jan 2007, 11:19, Reply)

Never go for a piss
at the urinals in a football ground at half-time, make sure you go before or after, when its not as busy.

Many a time have I tried to piss after 45 mins of tea and nervously waiting for my bloody team to score. The pressure of being stood shoulder-to-shoulder with fat, sweaty men while a queue of more fat bastards impatiently try not to watch you relieve yourself means that your cock seems to heal over entirely and refuse to allow any wee out.

Of course, you could go in a cubicle to have a piss and bypass all that awkwardness. However, this (as we all know) makes you gay. Such are the trivialities of male toilet etiquette.

When I was younger I used to hail abuse at people that left their seats 10mins before the end of a half for their apparent lack of support. Now I sympathise with them; some of us just need a slash without feeling pressurised.



And if you thought this was long, you should have seen the guy who took a piss next to me once...
(Hammer Time, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 19:45, Reply)

I got this one published in Viz
GPs in the North-East -

Put the fear of God into any naive male students who have managed to snap their banjo string by whipping out a scalpel and cheekily quipping, "Sorry sonny, but the whole thing's gotta come off".

Can you tell it was from personal experience?

EDIT : I suspect most of these are cribbed from Viz, but this one was all mine, I tells ya!
(Hammer Time, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 19:05, Reply)

May not be of use to many, but....
Jokes which go down well in a gay pub like "I fucked the girl from Hanson" don't work in pubs full of big working class boys.
(It's what Ian Rush drinks!, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 14:36, Reply)

OUCH
cleaning your arse with soap might seem like a good idea, but it BURNS! The original sting from whiping too hard with your sandpaper-like toilet paper is better left alone.
(isketchmaster, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 22:13, Reply)

Mobile phone speakers
Next time some little chav kids are playing a song on their mobile phone's loudspeaker, give them a slap.

It's not a tip, but it'll make the world a better place!
(It's what Ian Rush drinks!, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 18:25, Reply)

Radiator Woes Prt 2.
Following the experience of a mate, I spose i should point this one out.

Upon overheating your car and boilding a large amount of water from the system.. DO NOT top up the radiator by pissing into it.

When you manage to get urine to seep through the radiator and hit the hot hot metal of the engine block, it will BOIL ... and like my mate, you'll end up nursing a steam-broiled cock.. and smelling of hot piss.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 10 Jan 2007, 15:31, Reply)

overheating
If your car overheats whilst speeding on the M1, don't pull over and check that "there's enough water in it" by opening the radiator cap. The resulting 12 inch fountain of super-heated water will mean a very painful journey to the next service station with your glowing hand held out of the window.
(soft_lad, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 12:41, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Failed
I failed to post this in the right QOTW.
(Al Fresco dances like your dad, only faster, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 10:38, Reply)

When using the London Underground...
People on platform: Please wait for passengers to alight the train before getting on yourself - it's not fucking rocket science is it?

People on train: Get off your fat arses BEFORE the train gets into the station; That way you're ready to get off the cunting train at the appropriate moment, not fifteen seconds after it has filled up.

Better still, since this problem only seems to affect pensioners, menopausal housewives or tourists, just stay the fuck off the fucking tube period.
(misteroz, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 23:50, Reply)

Quran on the cob
Lovely Muslim ladies generally aren't "gagging for it".
(Al Fresco dances like your dad, only faster, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 22:33, Reply)

Dont eat a can lid
It fucking hurts
(abignumber, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 22:28, Reply)

When committing suicide
by running a hose from your exaust into a car, make sure, (if it is a convertible) that the top is up.
(barrycounty, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Project Roll-out Clothing
We here have just had a huge amount of company clothing "thrown away"... this is stuff that was printed for a project so that we could wear it when customers were being shown around.

We design machinery.... That makes card-board boxes. Usually these boxes contain juice. I shall say nothing more on that.....

Let's say this project was called "TRR LMG" .... which - let's say - stands for something in this trade that all would understand.

These T-Shirts had "TRR LMG - Dressed for Success" screen printed on them. Very Flash. We wore the shirts 2 years ago.

Our comnpany has seen fit to Axe many projects... the TRR being one of them...

I have just found this pile of un-used T-shirts... differnt colours, Same phrase.... and me and 4 mates have just sat in a big meeting about the company's Strategy etc... wearing T-shirts proclaiming "TRR LMG - Dressed for Success."

Needless to say it was a kind of small protest... Apparently it wasn't seen as small by the managers who nervously stumbled through thier presentations while trying not to make eye-contact with us.

Top Tip...

If you're in a company that's looking for ways of cutting funding to certain projects, and ways to get rid of engineers.... Don't go poking fun at the bosses by wearing out-dated relic t-shirts in order to insinuate that they're assses: They'll label you as trouble-makers.

(walking into the meeting (in single file) late probably didn't help... nor did deliberately showing the shirts to the entire audience... making them laugh.... )
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 9 Jan 2007, 14:07, Reply)

When Giving Change
Put the coins in their palm, then they can grab the notes with their fingers. It saves picking change up from the floor, believe me.
(Lupetherabbit Went straight into smirk mode on, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 14:15, Reply)

invaluable advice
never work for Caudwell or any company associated with them - horrible!!! worst 6 weeks of my whole life!
(whatktdid, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 0:23, Reply)

DONT..
LIFt UP YOUR ARMS TO STRECH WHEN STANDING UNDER A FAN IT FUCKING WELL HURTS!!

and results in takin ages to type things!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 16:19, Reply)

When Asked about your failures
Read all the other answers before writing about failing your driving test for a madly naieve bit of shit driving...

... Then decide NOT to post your identical story...

It'll save you from looking stupid...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 13:22, Reply)

When making hot chocolate
put the powder into the bottom of the mug, and then add a little milk. Stir into a thick paste (adding more powder if required, better have more powder than lots of milk). Add hot water, and it should be much fluffier and tasty then if you just add water straight to powder.
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:11, Reply)