Richard Branson
Stop mucking about with balloons, beardy.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:34, Reply)

when revewing old qotw answers
keep in mind that last minuate posts often dont have the chance to have a significant number of "i like this" clickage. So allways check the last couple of pages before the best page for hidden gems.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:10, Reply)

problems with pizza burning the roof of your mouth?
Next time, simply order from Pizza King in Tooting, et voila! A lukewarm, congealed disc of tasteless sh!te that poses no risk to your mouth whatsoever.
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Ladies...
If you're too pregnant to get through a whole tube journey without sitting down, then fucking drive.

Either that or start paying a premium fare to help fund your god-given right to a seat.
(misteroz, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Don't Eat
The Pink Sausage
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 0:55, Reply)

Keep street wise
When masturbating at school, cum on the toilet stall walls for massive damage.
(TonyK, Sat 27 Jan 2007, 11:27, Reply)

Queue wasters
Women, when waiting for a bus or in the queue at Tesco, why not dig your purse out of the bottom of your gigantic bag, make a rough estimate of the cost and take enough pennies and 2 pees out to cover it instead of waiting until 10 seconds after you have to actually pay? Old people - this especially applies to you.
(ShockerMocker, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:30, Reply)

oops
While in hospital, awaiting life changing surgery, never tell the Nurse doing your Pre-op check that you are on medication for voices in your head. They kind of get all serious.

Also don't go for a walk on the morning of your op (that you have waited two years for) and miss the Anaethasist checking what you are alergic to.

These two events nearly got me into trouble.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 11:17, Reply)

Douglas Adams once said..
It is a mistake to think you can solve all major problems with just potatoes.

Wise words indeed.
(mmm_oates, Thu 25 Jan 2007, 18:05, Reply)

If the river runs red..
take the dirt track instead.

So romantic...
(mmm_oates, Thu 25 Jan 2007, 18:00, Reply)

Want to make your woman float above the bed in sexual ecstasy?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
It works.
My wife hits the roof!
(mmm_oates, Thu 25 Jan 2007, 17:39, Reply)

Mmmmmmm
Here’s a brilliant tip for those of you that like dunking biscuits but don’t like the nasty biscuity crumb mush that you get at the bottom of your mug after serial dunking.

Get a Twix, take finger number one, nibble off each end, put one end into your tea or coffee (best done when the mug/cup is fairly full but not scortchingly hot), then use the Twix finger as a straw to suck up some tea/coffee. This is where not having it too hot comes in handy – though the biscuit does cool the liquid somewhat. Next, remove the Twix from the drink and hold horizontally, with the toffee bit underneath. You will observe that the chocolate on the underside of the Twix (now uppermost) has started to melt. This should be soft enough to actually lick away from the toffee section of the Twix, once denuded of biscuit, you can (if you wish) roll up the toffee section with its chocolate coating and pop it into your mouth in one go. Mmmmmm.

Once you have completed the first sequence, take a sip or two of tea/coffee to clear your palate and repeat, with finger number two.

Finally, do a little mock salute and say out loud “Thank you Che, you are the king of biscuit dunkers”.

Edit: Once a certain degree of expertise has been achieved, try it on a Viscount biscuit. A bit trickier, but well worth the effort.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 25 Jan 2007, 14:53, Reply)

seen in a "Burger King" toilets.
"Please flush Twice, It's a long way to McDonalds"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 25 Jan 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Pizza Guzzling
So you've just stumbled out of that last nightclub, it's 2/3/4/5/6/etc am, you've ordered pizza. You wake up next day with no roof to your mouth cos the bastard pizza's burnt it all.
Take the slice, turn it upside down, then take a bite - best done quick (difficult when you're battered) to stop any topping sliding off.
Voila! You burn your tongue instead, giving the top of your mouth a well-earned rest.
Or simply drink a cold beverage after every bite.
(samgasm, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 17:15, Reply)

at the airport
Using the phrase "what - no dinner and a movie first???" to a security guard frisking you doesn't go down too well.
Humourless bunch of cnuts
(Handel blah blah blah, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 15:25, Reply)

good one...
If you want to make your girlfriend cry whilst your having sex, phone her up and tell her.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Bran
Never Eat Shredded Wheat.

Its fucking disgusting.
(GaryRhodes, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 11:58, Reply)

Never take a shit in school
You're only adding to the problem.
( Uncle Gilly hides from Plato, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 22:59, Reply)

Public Transport
When travelling by train reserve a seat then sit in the one next to it.

It stops old people who stink of their own piss sitting next to you and trying to start conversations for hours.
(ElGatodeBarco, Sat 20 Jan 2007, 13:44, Reply)

Don't use BTInternet
You may have read my woes about my time at Autonomy (do a search for my previous posting). Well, presumably after pressure from their lawyers, they took my whole web site down, kit and kaboodle, without any warning or appeal. Its now up and running.

This whole thing stinks. What are they trying to hide? :(

(Please pass the link to anyone and everyone you know- don't let these buggers get away with bullying!)
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 15:15, Reply)

Want a cab to the airport/train station etc?
Tell them when you book it that you're going to one further away from the obvious local one. The job will be given to a driver first because it's going further and it's easy to tell the driver that you're going to the nearer one once you're in the cab. On time.
(Herr_Lowe Aint any on ya any on ya?, Wed 17 Jan 2007, 23:17, Reply)

Cricket
Are you an English gentleman cricket player currently on tour in Australia?

Don't bother coming home
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 17 Jan 2007, 13:55, Reply)

Tip for holidaymakers in Thailand
Never bang a chick with a hairier arse than your own.......You will regret it
(deathstars Stephen Hawking Burned Me Off At The Lights, Wed 17 Jan 2007, 1:19, Reply)

Sex Killers Tip
After dumping your victim in the woods, only spend the next 3 weeks returning for sexual visits.

After that, the police might be waiting for you, or catch you at your lovemaking.

Yelling "Stop Watching!" will not send them on their way.
(barrycounty, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 19:17, Reply)

...and Furthermore!
When cutting a piece of pork pie for your dinner, place the remainder of the pie back in the fridge where the dog can't get at it.

Otherwise you may end up
a) Falsely chastising your son for eating three-quarters of a pork pie in 30 seconds
b) cleaning up the resultant dog-vomit because your thieving pet whippet ate 3/4s of a pork pie in 30 seconds
c) Thoroughly ruining everyone else's lunch by smelling of regurgitated pork pie for the rest of the day.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 15:24, Reply)

And whilst we're at it..
When you put up your christmas tree, make sure that you put it on a table or something so that your thieving hound of a whippet can't eat all the chocolate decorations on it whilst you are all out.

You won't have to
a) Falsely chastise your son for eating them,
b) clean up the chocolate dog-vomit when said whippet discovers chocolate and the canine metabolism are incompatible,
and
c) spend the rest of christmas apologising to your son.

I speak with the bitter, bitter voice of experience.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 15:19, Reply)

Do you have a problem keeping girlfriends?
So did I, until I discovered formaldehyde.

Finding somewhere to keep all the jars is getting a bit difficult, though..

(Which is a good crossover for the "collections" QOTW..)
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 15:13, Reply)

Shilshul
If you have a bad case of the runs, take the skin of a pomegranate and boil it in water for about and hour. Add copious amounts of sugar (or it'll be very very bitter) and drink.

It worked in the middle east when thousands were dying of dysentry - I do realise that pomegranate skins ar probably harder to come accross in the UK than a nice pack of pills, so I suppose the only people who'll try this are the hippies...
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 13:07, Reply)

'dem Vinegar Strokes
Gentlemen. On reaching the old ramming speed with your best 'gal - don't hold back your natural loss of coherence and continue a crazy homage to the aforementioned young lasses' favourite biscuit by taking the amusing decision to scream out 'Custard Creams!' at orgasm. It is apparently quite off-putting and can lead to relationship issues later on.
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Mon 15 Jan 2007, 23:18, Reply)