be as hostile as you can to people collecting for charity on the street

It's a highly-paid job with no redeeming social value, and they need taking down a peg or two. Why not try out some comedy routines?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 5:24, Reply)

Find out when pensions day/giro day is down your local post office.
That way if you have to go there to post something you can avoid mixing it up with the smellies.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 23:19, Reply)

If someone in the street tries to get you to donate to charity
remind them that they're being paid by the hour for caring passionately about Help the Aged and that yesterday they were caring passionately about something completely different. And that there's a name for people whose affections are purchased by the hour...
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 16:21, Reply)

Never whistle....
....with a mouth full of blancmange
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 12:43, Reply)

If like me you brush your tongue when you brush your teeth...
You are a victim of a clever marketing ploy taking advantage of your paranioa about having mucky breath.

Also it makes you gag.

However, if you look in the mirror at your tongue as you are doing it, ta-dar, no more retching!!
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Mon 12 Feb 2007, 22:35, Reply)

Charity dodging
Something I've found to work against charity muggers is if you just pretend you belong to their organisation already.
"Ah yes, Save the Welsh, staunch supporter me"

Works every time on those stupid, smug misdirected arseholes.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 12 Feb 2007, 15:34, Reply)

Charity
If someone on the street tries to get you to donate money each month to charity talk at them in a foreign language and they will assume that you do not have a UK bank account. If you cannot speak a foreign language try a foreign accent.
(mmm....beer, Sun 11 Feb 2007, 16:29, Reply)

If your an insane astronaut
and plan murder, wearing diapers when arrested might get you off.
(barrycounty, Sat 10 Feb 2007, 22:19, Reply)

If you carry a fire extinguisher in you car make sure it works
I was at a scrapyard t'other day and it caught fire whilst I was shopping for wing mirrors. I thought I'd rush in and be the hero of the hour instead I was a twat with a empty fire extinguisher
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 16:31, Reply)

Someone annoying you ?
Break Their legs!
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Water Saving Tip
You know the old story about putting a brick in the cistern to save water when flushing, well I decided to see if it would work anywhere else.
Believe me it works a treat when you put the brick in the washing machine. We haven't used any water in it for about 4 months now. Talk about saving the planet...
(out of his league, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 0:56, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

If someone hits you in the face
Hit them back!

or fall over roll around and cry like a baby... maybe they'll go away... then again they may kill you...
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 0:21, Reply)

Feeling Down?
Just Die :D

or think of Die people... Poor STARVING DIEING people....

or have a cookie
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 0:19, Reply)

Committed a crime? Need to get off?
Simple. Just buy a 'delicious' prawn deli sandwich from Ainsley's bakery (preferably the one on Manor Road, Leeds city centre). Then inspect the 'food' for the INEVITABLE hair (oft baked right into the bread) and place at the scene of the crime. Et voila! DNA which doesn't match yours.

I wouldn't eat the sandwich though. Fucking dirty bastards.
(Northern Lovely, Thu 8 Feb 2007, 17:57, Reply)

Guaranteed entry on 'best of' page?
Simply adopt a 'blunderbuss aimed at elephant' approach, where subtelty and skill are eschewed in favour of peppering the QOTW with overly inane/smug/whimsical/pretentious posts which are generally received with a resounding "huh?". The theory that an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of typewriters will be proven when sooner or later you'll inevitably have something funny to say.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 7 Feb 2007, 23:17, Reply)

A complete numbnuts tailgating you in busy traffic?
Coax them into overtaking just before a speed camera! If done correctly the payoff is well worth it. Flash flash! Or as Basil Brush might say, boom boom! Yes.... I'll stick to my day job.
(Mister-Chris, Wed 7 Feb 2007, 0:18, Reply)

Chopping onions making you cry?
Contract Aids to take your mind off it.
( BindiBaji, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 16:32, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Going to cross the Thames via the Dartford bridge
Then make sure you have a spare pound coin in the car.
( BindiBaji, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 16:21, Reply)

A word to the wise
Don't keep a diary, some body is bound to read it.
( girlinthehole, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 15:19, Reply)

Avoid looking like an arse
Refrain from whingeing about posts that make a large amount of people laugh.

Simply stay quiet instead!

Hey presto! .. you've avoided looking like an arse. :o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 6 Feb 2007, 13:01, Reply)

TOP TIP
Don't post erotica in the qotw, every week. People will eventually suspect you're not getting enough.
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 2:56, Reply)

sick of certain peoples answers to QOTW and feel the need whinge about it, instead of just simply scrolling to the next QOTW answer?

get a fcuking life
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 18:13, Reply)

Hard On in your Face.
Never try and see if you can actually piss with a hard on.

If you really try, you can.

CUNT
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 17:15, Reply)

Defending yourself against critics...
...by saying 'actually, I've had loads of answers on the 'Best Of...' board, so I'm, clearly, really funny actually *huff*"...

...just makes you look a bit of a humourless twat. Soz.
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Cricket
England fans: we welcome you in Australia for the Ashes Series. You are a great bunch of people and really add to the atmosphere.

However, next time please learn more than 3 songs before coming.

It is a long tournament after all...
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 4 Feb 2007, 2:44, Reply)

Never
pick a fight with an ugly person
they have nothing to lose
(kellogg going slowly insane, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 23:10, Reply)

Best Man At A Wedding?
Don't then, in a drunken state suggest in anyway shape or form that 9/11 was "funny and they deserved it" during your speech. My mate's still living that one down.
(Mister-Chris, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 3:21, Reply)

Dont
leave your 4 yr old son on your pc with a cup of hot chocolate on the desk :(
Trips to pc world the day after boxing day are neither fun or pleasent.
(kellogg going slowly insane, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 22:29, Reply)