Having trouble getting a girlfriend?
then rape your mother. she fucking loves it!
(mmmkay, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 19:11, Reply)

Candyman
Want to ensure the best possible chance of being murdered in your bathroom by a big,angry blackman?

Just turn off the lights,and recite the words "Candy Man" 5 times.

Works a treat.
(Twisted Nerve Twisted his erm....nerve, Tue 13 Mar 2007, 10:07, Reply)

Shark attack!
If while swimming a shark swims rather close to you, piss yourself.
They find the smell incredibly repulsive and will swim away.
Or, as a mate in the pub said, you could: "Grab a nearby fish, cut it, and the shark will attack that as the blood smell would be stronger and more appealing." Where you're going to get the knife from, or why a fish is swimming next to you, I have no clue.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Sun 11 Mar 2007, 16:03, Reply)

top electric shaving tip
Apply talcum powder to your face, or armpits, ladies.

This will soak up any oil on the skin and the shaver will no longer burn as you shave.
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Sun 11 Mar 2007, 0:20, Reply)

Never throw homemade soup from a Mk2 Escort window...
...especially at speed as it makes a real mess of the paintwork and if the driver's mum has made it and took the trouble to store it in sealed Tuperware, you're in real trouble. Bob was bigger than me and threatened to twat me unless I washed his car at the campsite. It alomost ruined a weekend in the Lakes on the piss.
(minky, Sat 10 Mar 2007, 11:59, Reply)

Don't bother posting
pictures on b3ta.

Simply cut out the middle man and send them straight to the thieving toerags at [insert cuntish publication here].
(spartacus_mills and Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln!, Thu 8 Mar 2007, 22:02, Reply)

I have also found
some people do not want to share ear wax
(onefishtwofish Redfishbluefish, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 23:04, Reply)

Wise words
Keep your pockets free of margarine.
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 21:40, Reply)

It is generally
Better not to attempt to sodomise a porcupine.
Sorry.
First post.
(onefishtwofish Redfishbluefish, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 20:53, Reply)

another quality tip
need to go to the toilet and you cant find the bogs?


just go where your sitting, you disgusting bastard and no i wont give you 10p for a cup of tea.
(konigsred, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 12:18, Reply)

top tip
need to stop sneezing at inoppropriate moments?

scream "PENIS MONKEY" and then slam your head into the nearest object, or any object in your hands.


the need to sneeze will still be there, however you will look like a gigantic penis.
(konigsred, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Baby Wipes
Not just for babies. Really, once you've tried them you'll never want to be without.
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 3:53, Reply)

Women
Buy women flowers for absolutely no reason; deliver them with a, "Because I haven't seen you since this morning." or some other cheesy line. They go all gooey and you get blown. Everyone's a winner.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 1:04, Reply)

Wearing a gumshield
Wearing a gumshield (the type used by boxers, rugby players and the string section of the London Symphony Orchestra) can help to prevent pubic hairs being stuck between the teeth after oral sex.
(phil lawton, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 12:14, Reply)

To stop fizzy drinks in plastic bottles going flat.
Squeeze it till the liquid is at the top of the bottle, then do the cap up. This stops the gas being able to escape into the space above, thus keeping the drink fizzy for longer.
(dara o'briain, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 10:47, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Quickest way to Wellington?
Forget all that AA tripe. From Auckland, straight down Highway 1, refuel at Taupo and do not, NOT take, the P North turn off. It's not a shortcut.

From the South? Get off the ferry, turn left. Easy
(Jimmyinnz was sprung at work on b3ta on, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 0:52, Reply)

Don't eat yellow snow.
truth
(dahtcalmer I'm pretty sure I forgot my password, 11 years ago, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 20:15, Reply)

Court Summons?
refuse to contract - Common Law is the only Law, anything else is contract law -

Contract law can only apply to corporations not real living beings - so how do they get you to contract?

you are summoned through your strawman (your name in capital letters as on your birth certificate - otherwise known as your cert of manifest under admiralty law), the strawman is the legal fiction created to make real beings interact with the fiction of the court system)- not you - do not get tricked into contracting, real beings can not contract and have the right to refuse to contract

video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=7978193591273339771&q=bursting+bubbles+of+gov

If you attend court before taking the oath and before confirming your name (each will get you into contract), ask the Judge:

" if I answer your question will I have entered into contract with you"
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 16:02, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Never fails
If you find yourself playing with your genitalia at inappropriate moments (as you're exchanging rings with your new bride, chatting with the Pope or when being questioned by the police about that incident with the jar of vaseline at the Beyonce gig), then a simple remedy is to place one's todger on a firm surface and smack it repeatedly with a steak tenderiser.

I can personally attest to this method's effectiveness.
(phil lawton, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Fuck Off and Die
Do it now
(Papa Chocolat, Sun 4 Mar 2007, 2:42, Reply)

Beer and pro-plus
NEVER mix copious amount of pro plus with beer. especially when your about to go nightclubbing, the result? you wake up at three oclock and find ur self sat in the corner of a gay bar wondering why every1s wearing skimpy outfits.

other tip: if it looks like shit, and smells like shit its probably shit.. leave it alone kids
(R0z, Sat 3 Mar 2007, 15:36, Reply)

This was from my Gym teacher
Then drink and smoke, and sit around all day watching tv or something

to be fair I did say why are we doing this I dont want to live past 40 anyways
(MrPlankton, Fri 2 Mar 2007, 11:23, Reply)

Cure for hiccups
Drink from the opposite side of a glass

i swear, it works everytime.
(MrPlankton, Fri 2 Mar 2007, 11:20, Reply)

Charidee Workers Again
"Excuse me sir, would YOU like to Save The Children?"
"Sure thing mate, save one for me!" *Makes dash for nearest toddler and starts mock frotting it*
"Wahey!"

Or you could just mumble and look at your shoes
(TheBoyTucker, Fri 2 Mar 2007, 10:03, Reply)

never
never ever bloody anything ever
(kellogg going slowly insane, Fri 2 Mar 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Viz contributors...
can't find a good top tip to send to Viz? send one from B3TA instead!
(kintore_homeboy tenuous links since 1986!, Wed 28 Feb 2007, 13:16, Reply)

Need to remove blood from a cloth surface?
Use hydrogen peroxide. It'll get all foamy, lifting the stain to the surface where you can easily wipe it off.
(WillF http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverfischdotnet/, Wed 28 Feb 2007, 6:34, Reply)

Want free money and don't mind conducting small-scale fraud?
Buy a faulty item (let's say an iPod) off eBay.

Purchase the same model of iPod from any old shop with a good refund policy.

Swap the faulty and working iPods.

Get a refund on the faulty iPod.

Sell the functional iPod on eBay.

Your profit margin is the amount you sell the iPod for on eBay minus the price you paid for the faulty iPod. Ingenious, no?
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 20:21, Reply)

SkankGirl
Look at the Sun.

Never fails, for me at least. Its got a badass long scientific name, but I'm damned if I can remember it

~Ben
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Sun 25 Feb 2007, 16:29, Reply)

why would you want to stop yourself from sneezing?
has anyone got tips for making yourself sneeze? id drives me mad when i need to and cant
the only thing i've found that works is plucking my eyebrows, but its a bit of an odd thing to do in polite company
(skankgirl, Sun 25 Feb 2007, 15:05, Reply)