Never...
Take a laxitive and a sleeeping pill on the same night

Apologies for length, it's now on a boil wash
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Sat 31 Mar 2007, 17:02, Reply)

You should definitely know this.
If you place a slice of bologna on the hood of someone's car on a sunny day, it'll eat the paint off in a nice, neat circle. It's always fun to make holes in the shape of eyes and a smiley face, though, so your victim will smile every time he sees the big patch of missing paint on his car.

Almost.
(Mademoiselle Dustman picked a bouquet of oopsie daisies for you on, Fri 30 Mar 2007, 3:06, Reply)

Fat women/blokes in car parks
Why don't you park too close to the car on your right leaving a huge gap on your left thus ensuring that you have to smack your door on someone else's pristine paintwork when you ease your quivering bulk out of your vehicle.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 29 Mar 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Parking at sainsburys
If you want to park at sainsbury's for free and as long as you like simply make an orange square about two inches by two inches and stick it to the inside of your windscreen. Then the car park attendant will assume you're an employee and won't give you a ticket.

I wouldn't park for more than a day at a time but it could come in useful if you need to park in a city and it has a sainsburys. I don't know if this works in the car parks with barriers to get out but if not then just buy something cheap and show them your receipt.
(djflayva, Thu 29 Mar 2007, 11:20, Reply)

Noisy or ineffective windscreen wipers?
If your wipers are smearing or squeaking and not clearing the screen, use a cloth with some clear vinegar on it and wipe the blade with it (the bit that touches the glass) to remove the build-up of road grime. This will clean them and restore a fair bit of life to them, saving the expense of fitting new ones. Alternatively, if they are truly fubard, buy new ones and marvel at being able to see where you are going.
(Dangermouse., Tue 27 Mar 2007, 13:11, Reply)

Spare web surfing time?
... Then please take a look at my grumpNET site and post things that wind you up - go on, get it off your chest and let us all know. Goodness knows I need the traffic!

www.grumpnet.co.uk
(fatboybubba, Mon 26 Mar 2007, 19:36, Reply)

Smokers
No need to go to the bother disposing of your ciggi butts responsibly - simply drop it wherever's the most convenient for you - someone's bound to pick it up after you eventually.
(fatboybubba, Mon 26 Mar 2007, 19:32, Reply)

Firefox Tabs
Use the Windows Key and TAB to switch between tabs in Firefox.

I just discovered it by accident and am feeling pleased with myself.

EDIT: Although it might be my dodgy keyboard - CTRL + TAB works just as well...
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Mon 26 Mar 2007, 11:44, Reply)

Stalker Go Home!
If you are being stalked, stop and pick your nose until they leave in a revolted huff
(biscuitsocks random gene expression, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 21:32, Reply)

Leather Jackets
make ideal 'skin suits' for psychopathic cows
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Don't eat the red buttons
They're not very nice and leave a bad taste.
( King_Eric has been ok since, Thu 22 Mar 2007, 16:56, Reply)

For all cold/sales callers...
...just ask them "What's the meaning of life?" to everything they say. The stupid fuckers won't know what to say, and can't give you an answer as they have no fecking life sitting in that goddamn shitty call centre in the middle of Mumbi!
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Wed 21 Mar 2007, 18:47, Reply)

QOTW
How about having 2 QOTW's running at once so if one turns out to be shite (perish the thought) we will have something else to do with our time other than, y'know, work. Or whatever.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 21 Mar 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Chewing Gum
If you get gum on your trousers (usually from a train seat on the Northern Line) don't try and pick it off - Simply stick the item of clothing in the freezer for a few hours and then hey presto the gum can be easily be removed!
(aroe_m0rre, Wed 21 Mar 2007, 11:53, Reply)

It's almost time for the kiddies to go on spring break here in God's Blind Spot, USA...
...so I thought I'd mention a couple tips.

* Don't eat/drink citrusy stuff before sunbathing, as this will result in "lime burn", a condition in which your tan is splotchy or mottled... unfortunately, it also tends to occur around the mouth so it's especially un-sexy. It's called "lime burn", but it can happen with any citrusy food/drink. Beware the lime burn.

* Nail polish wears off really easily when you go to the beach or the pool, so make sure you put on an extra coat or two of topcoat before you swim--the sand, salt water, and chlorine are killer on your nails.

* Sharks are attracted to shiny jewelry (they shimmer like fish scales do). Remove any rings, necklaces, etc. before swimming in the ocean.

* You should use about a shot glass-full of sunscreen a day in the summer (that's about 1.5 fl oz).

That's all I can think of at the moment.
(Mademoiselle Dustman picked a bouquet of oopsie daisies for you on, Wed 21 Mar 2007, 2:26, Reply)

Want to post a top tip? but dont know any?
Simply read past issues of Viz, and post them here, chances are no-one will ever know.
( Bamboo Steamer, Wed 21 Mar 2007, 0:33, Reply)

half a cup of machine coffee
mixed with half a cup of machine tea, doesn't actually taste that bad.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 16:16, Reply)

Understanding women
If asked "Am I fat?" all of the following answers are wrong:

No.
Yes.
You are beautiful
I don't know.
It depends what you mean by 'fat'.

The correct answer is the one they want to hear. You will know this by being telepathic.
(frankspencer, Mon 19 Mar 2007, 15:28, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Go to univeristy
Then you can spend the rest of your life in a smug illusion that you're better than other people - even though they earn more than you and are happier.
(frankspencer, Mon 19 Mar 2007, 15:15, Reply)

Want to Learn how to Skateboard, but scared you'll fall off?
Simply use a Paint Roller in each hand as a set of Stabilisers.
( Popidge Last ate a kebab on, Sun 18 Mar 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Women
If a person displays certain characteristics, personality traits or behavioural tendencies, it's probably due to a combination of genetics, past and present socio-economic environment, education and familial/peer group relationships.

It is almost certainly not because they are a fucking Pisces.
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Sat 17 Mar 2007, 4:42, Reply)

Women aged 50+
Put on lots of perfume and deodorant before you get into the swimming pool - not only is it quicker than having a daily shower, but you'll have several lanes all to yourself!
( pidg, Sat 17 Mar 2007, 0:57, Reply)

Offices
Want to be a Gynaecologist so that you can spend all your time around love-muffins but DONT want to go through med-school?

Just get a job in an office - you'll be surrounded by so many cunts, it will be too soon if you ever see one again!
(-Tomcat- has heard of the healing power of laughter?, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 17:06, Reply)

God Botherers
Save yourself time, and the eventual embarassment of me tearing your fragile belief system to shreds in front of your kids by avoiding my house as you have 'rational thinking' and 'logic'
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 12:33, Reply)

Toilet attendants
You creepy bastards are the bane of my life. I've already spent half my week's wages on the drinks in this place. I will not be giving you a quid for the 'privilege' of having you listen to me piss them out again.

I can wash my own hands, thanks, I'm not 2 years old. I have no need of cheap hairspray, knock-off perfume from the market or a Chupa Chups lolly either. Just fuck off.

Why not try getting a more respected job, like 'charity mugger' or 'traffic warden'?
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 10:58, Reply)

Hangover Cure
When you have over-exerted yourself on a boozy night out and wake up with a hairy tongue, sweating beer and feeling like shit, don't trust alca seltzer or home-brew remedies; simply get drunk again as soon as possible!

Why suffer in silence when you can get rat-arsed and feel great again!?
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 10:38, Reply)

Want to be the best?

Dedication's what you need. But beware. Roy Castle says it's carcenogenic.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 0:39, Reply)

throw away your empty fag packets
otherwise you'll find one and think 'woo yayy faggarette time!' when you find the packet is empty a few seconds later you will be all sad :,[
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 22:02, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Windscreen Wipers not doing the job?
Doesn't mean you need new ones. Clean all the grease off with vinegar, they'll be good as new. Stick that, Halfords.
( mutster101 fell over, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 21:38, Reply)