Want to launder some money you made from your books websites and adverts?
Kickstarter, Justgiving and Gofundme are perfect for your nefarious cash cleansing schemes, just sock puppet it, no one will ever notice.
(yeswehavenopasties, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 11:02, Reply)

Disposable contact lenses make an ideal Center Parcs for amoebas.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 19:46, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Are you a commuter? Got a scooter?
Then fucking stop using it you're an adult and you look like a twat.
( arsefez is back, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 15:18, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Walking on the pavement?
Speed the fuck up, dickhead.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 0:19, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Pretend that every other account on here is just one very busy guy.
That's what I do.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 0:17, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

linda mcartney sausages
make ideal dildoes for vegan women, I should imagine....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 16:55, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Today, I've been told by an ex-military driver
that the trick they use to be able to stay awake all night on dark featureless roads, is to stimulate themselves with one hand and stay on the cusp of an orgasm for as long as possible. This may be common knowledge to everyone here, but its the first time I've heard this.

Just be careful if you're a coach driver.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 24 Aug 2014, 20:36, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Make a new start: build a bridge to your heart.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 21 Aug 2014, 21:55, Reply)

Womenfolk!
Do not fritter away your free time in idle chatter or gossip. Spend the time instead on reading newspapers and journals, or on delving into encyclopedias, such that you may join your husband in conversation when he returns from the office. However, beware! Too much knowledge may cause your brain to become congested, hence take regular breaks and do not try to absorb too much in one go.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 21 Aug 2014, 13:08, Reply)

Are you a struggling novelist? Looking for some exposure?
Post an entire chapter onto QOTW. Hey presto! You're an author now! Albeit a shit one...
( $$ ✅, Thu 21 Aug 2014, 7:46, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Fingers red and brown from fingering dogs?
Simply apply some WD-40 to the tip of the finger and stand back in amazement as your finger effortlessly glides in and out.
( $$ ✅, Wed 20 Aug 2014, 17:12, Reply)

The B3TA newsletter editors: Why not just start recyling old newsletters, it's not like anyone reads that shit anyway

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 18:52, Reply)

Flatulent doctors: If you need to fart, wait until your patient leaves the room and then fart. Then when the next patient comes in and complains about the smell you can blame it on the previous patient.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 17:48, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Going on holiday?
Don't forget to set your house alarm to go off at 4am every day you are away.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 11 Aug 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Chicken wishbones make ideal divining rods for mice

(Smale is stuffed, Fri 8 Aug 2014, 14:06, Reply)

Don't bother.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 6 Aug 2014, 20:19, Reply)

ITV4+1
makes an ideal ITV4 for Minder and The Sweeney fans who get out of work late.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Aug 2014, 13:17, Reply)

Channel 5
makes an ideal BBC Three for simpletons.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Aug 2014, 13:16, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Bit miffed about something on the internet?
Why not post a passive-aggressive thinly veiled statement?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 6 Aug 2014, 12:42, Reply)

Losing an argument on the internet?
Just delete your thread, and nobody will ever know.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 20:47, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Clunk Click Every Trip!
Always make sure that the handgun in your glovebox is fully loaded.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 4 Aug 2014, 14:09, Reply)

Potential rapist?
Stop.
Think.
Wank.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 1 Aug 2014, 22:50, Reply)

Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Fri 1 Aug 2014, 12:05, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Salmon: Why not just spawn in the sea? It's much easier to get to and doesn't have any bears.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:23, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Pretend you live in a really posh hotel
... by decanting all your toiletries into really small bottles.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:04, Reply)

Unravelled cigarette filters make ideal loft insulation for tiny houses.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 30 Jul 2014, 8:14, Reply)

Take two bottles into the shower
Because it's hardly one of the ten tasks of fucking Hercules is it?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 23:50, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Amataprine gesmisboi
Mell terwellek farpsh, hopoa ilknowa jephnuje? Megh dhermellesh fookh margh, ojsk oralla feegh!

Hegh broup maralla phesh bahgr - herk naralla!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 22:23, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Bore the living fuck out of everybody with spam posts on 'Top Tips' and deeply unfunny 'jokes' everywhere else
By being 'A Vagabond'.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 18:35, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Avoid having to care about anything
By being really, really rich.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 12:15, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)