If..
If one of your supposed friends has just drawn a massive swastika on your university accommodation's ceiling with permanent marker, spraying deodorant on it will enable you to wipe it off with relative ease (and also set off the fire alarm - not so good).

When you want revenge from this act, draw a massive swastika on your friends university accommodation's ceiling in pencil. Almost impossible to remove without it still being visible.
(Merrep, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 21:19, Reply)

Struggling for inspiration?
Buy a copy of Viz™ and disguise one of their chortle inducing Top Tips as your own.
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 16:54, Reply)

To stop hiccups,
eat a little bit of peanut butter. It doesn't matter what kind it is (creamy or crunchy); just take a small spoonful, put it in your mouth, and swallow it. Within 30 seconds, your hiccups should be gone.
(This is 100% fact--even saw it in a teacher's handbook under "Important Things to Have in the Classroom"!)
DISCLAIMER: It is not my fault if you are allergic to peanuts and go into anaphylactic shock and die if you have hiccups and you try this, kthx.
(Mademoiselle Dustman picked a bouquet of oopsie daisies for you on, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:04, Reply)

To prevent
bathroom mirrors from fogging up while you're taking a hot shower, apply a little dish soap to them using a soft cloth.
(Mademoiselle Dustman picked a bouquet of oopsie daisies for you on, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 21:50, Reply)

Antiseptic
Avoid having to pay the sky-high prices of often untested and potentially lethal antiseptic creams and ointments, by crushing bees with normal petroleum jelly and smearing the mixture on the wound. The high Iodine content of bees makes it an effective natural antiseptic.
(Doctor Pubes, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 20:14, Reply)

Save time erasing
by thinking about what you want to write, and maybe drafting a copy first, BEFORE commiting pen to paper.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:11, Reply)

Superglue grains of sand
Onto the legs of small insects to provide them with a weight resistance-aided cardiovascular workout.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:21, Reply)

A crab apple
Hollowed out and intricately carved into a skull shape with a lighted match inserted makes an ideal spooky Halloween decoration for rodents.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:18, Reply)

Annoy your builder
By tutting loudly, shaking your head and saying that you won't be able to start paying his bill for at least the next two weeks.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:15, Reply)

To prevent yourself looking terminally sad...
... do take the time to check whether the urban myth that you're about to 'hilariously' try and pass off in the QOTW as your own first-hand story appears on Snopes.

Then don't.

e.g. www.snopes.com/love/dating/poopy.asp
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:20, Reply)

To all aliens currently searching for intelligent life
Avoid the Midlands town of Rugby. It will be a wasted trip.
(HNGTHDJ, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 0:21, Reply)

Avoid getting caught by sanctimonious git traps.
Remain within the applicable speed limit at all times. Then see the big flash and shout "30?? Here?? Why?? Since when??". Then notice the nice new shiny 30mph sign by the side of the huge great dual carriageway, just over there behind that hedge.

Guaranteed to stop you ever being sanctimonious again. Cynicism becomes a problem, though. All suggestions in that vein gratefully accepted.
(patently Was somewhere else on, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 15:22, Reply)

Want to get smacked off a Geordie?
Walk up and ask if he was in Byker Grove, followed by putting on the worst accent since your dad told that unsuitable joke over the friday night fish and chips, and shouting "Byker Byker down in Byker Grove. YEH!" at the them.

Geordies actually love it. They just have a joyous outburst of punching people in the face.
(anothercold1 likes a good bit of brisket., Wed 11 Jul 2007, 22:38, Reply)

Be sure about not having porn in your pendrive
Sometimes you forget about it when you are with someone and fucking windows start reproducing the fucking videos
(chati chati, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 22:28, Reply)

Want to severely scar someone?
Insert two razor blades into a stanley knife, and separate them with a matchstick tucked between them. Attack your target rigorously.

The cuts will be so close together that any attempt at the hospital to sew a cut up will not work, due to the other cut being right next to it. End result will be two great big wounds that all manner of infections can get to.

I'm always surprised that when someone initially gave me this top tip, I managed to keep nodding without being frightened for my life.
(Master Kazoo é?, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 19:44, Reply)

Avoid getting caught by speed traps.
Remain within the prescribed speed limits.

This has the added benefit of helping to avoid murdering someone with that tonne and a half of steel you are launching around the place.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Making a cheese and ham sandwich with mayonaise?
Put slices of cheese directly onto the bread, then add the mayo then the ham. The cheese will form an impermeable membrain thus maintaining the integrity of the bread and preventing mayonaise-saturation.

Add crisps too, for extra tastiness.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 13:41, Reply)

never do this...
dont EVER EVER mistake super glue for lube

my pubes still havent grown back 2 years later

EDIT: apparently warm soapy water makes superglue dissolve,

dont know how im gonna have a bath with the missus stuck to me but heyo there is a first for everything....
(tweedleDUMB Giving Up Smoking, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 12:21, Reply)

Don't think you can hold it in ...
You can't. You'll only shit yourself.

Meh.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 8:54, Reply)

Keep away from fire
it is hot.
(the_n00b, Sun 8 Jul 2007, 0:33, Reply)

OH MY GOD
TAKE YOUR COCK OUT OF THE OVEN
(abignumber, Sat 7 Jul 2007, 19:37, Reply)

location
want to know where your internet providers nearest physical location is? just look carefully at the writing UNDERNEATH shitty fake dating ads, the location all of the girls apparently come from is where your IP's been traced to.
(Hippo_of_Doom, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 20:24, Reply)

Want to start a market stall? Worried?
Just remember these handy hints and you'll be a budding entrepeneur in no time:

* The apostrophe is your friend - for example 'pant's', 'cabbage's', 'carrot's'.

* Authentic spelling errors are a must: 'potatoe', 'chickin', 'gammen'.

* If a price is to be displayed, use both £ and p to denote said value: £4.99p. Now there is no doubt of the cost.

* Show your respect for men by calling them 'guv', 'son' or 'sir', whilst calling all women 'darlin'.

* Be the loudest. Everyone knows a rich market trader is a loud market trader. Shout the loudest and you are sure to attract those shy buyers.

* Finally, make sure to employ at least one special needs teenager. The old dears will think he's charming as he ambles over to fuck up their simple order. As a bonus, you can give him a well mannered 'clout' every so often and pay him half of what you pay everyone else!

Ker-ching! Now you are a bona fide market trader.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 11:42, Reply)

Anxious before your driving test?
Remember that vodka doesn't stink your breath up as much as gin if you need something to steady your nerves.
( Lord Gnome, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Having trouble with frozen food stuck together?
Use a spoon to prize it apart, a lot safer and a lot easier!
(djgalaxe, Thu 5 Jul 2007, 14:55, Reply)

when attempting a head stand
or other inverted position, it is imperative you do not attempt to keep your lungs positioned above your kidneys.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 4 Jul 2007, 15:52, Reply)

forein corespondents
avoid being kidnapped for 4 months by not living in Gaza.

*also at least have a big fuck-off beard when you are released.
(Jesus Quintana nothing good to say, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Make people laugh by..
Finding two words in the English language that sound like each other and then construct a sentence where it could be interpreted as grammatically correct using either word. That's hardcore punography.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 1:11, Reply)

Got ideas of firebombing a Glasgow Airport?
Well set the car on fire AFTER reaching the terminal doors, it tends to raise less suspicion.

Also, do it at Prestwick, their slogan is "Pure Dead Brilliant". Which the airport is not.
(anothercold1 likes a good bit of brisket., Mon 2 Jul 2007, 23:46, Reply)