If at first you don't succeed...
...then Base-jumping sure ain't your thing
(flynbo puts this one down to his misspelt youth, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 16:43, Reply)

safty tip
Never trust a fart !
(mr sheep is down stairs with empty maple syrup jar, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 21:09, Reply)

Fellow b3tans
Try not to make your salivating priapic lust for rachelswipe so obvious (you know who you are) Yes she's all that and then some (really!) But FFS try and maintain SOME semblance of dignity.

Possibly more of a rant than a top tip - but this is starting to remind me of the way frogs mate with Miss Swipe in there somewhere..
(Reptilianoid, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:04, Reply)

smiles
If you want to wake up with a beaming smile on your face in the morning
Place a coat hanger in your mouth the night before !
Never pick your nose after having good scratch of your arse
(mr sheep is down stairs with empty maple syrup jar, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 1:20, Reply)

Black paint
makes ideal stain remover
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:38, Reply)

Pop Stars
Why not die at 27 thereby gaining some credability and giving me some well deserved peace.
(jagathewise, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:15, Reply)

Pop Stars
When being interviewed and you have a new album to promote, always say that you are taking your music to another level and that this album is the best one of your career even though you and I both know that your debut was the best you'll ever be.
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 22:22, Reply)

Mirror, Signal, FUCK!
Don't get in a car with Richard Hammond.

Mr Magoo can drive better than that careless sack of shit.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 13:11, Reply)

Throw a pepper in the air,
if it fails to come back down, you have gone mad. So dont trust anything!
(MutantSixtyFour isn't doing his work on, Sun 9 Sep 2007, 18:15, Reply)

Princes
If you want to stop being reminded of your mothers death, stop putting on fucking concerts in her memory.

Sheesh
(kitescreech still here, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 21:43, Reply)

How to win any argument.
Win any argument by pretending not to notice when you've lost. Eventually, the other person will get so fed up of you that they will give up and by default, you will have won.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 17:10, Reply)

a tip to keep your partner faithful.

Given that people only ever seem to commit adultery with their partner's best friend, make sure that everyone you know of the appropriate gender & orientation to sleep with your partner is at most your 2nd best friend.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Shopping while hungry
My dear mother always said that you shouldn't go food shopping on an empty stomach. And do you know, she was right. So, herewith my top tip - before going on that Internet dating site, have a wank.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 7:12, Reply)

Commuters!
When taking an alternative route to London (e.g. because of tube strikes), avoid the embarrassment of wandering around with a retarded expression on your face by simply buying a map of London and studying it before starting your journey.
(><(((">, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 15:09, Reply)

Warning for Newbies
When writing a tip for Top Tips, make sure that you actually have one rather than wasting everyone else's time by using the space for your first post.
Errr....okay?
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 14:55, Reply)

The Physics of Drinking Straws
When challenged to drink a pint of milk using a caterer's roll of cling film as your straw, consider that the suction that you will need to apply in order to move the milk up the "straw" will be so great that you are unlikely to have time to switch from "suck" to "swallow" before the milk reaches the back of your throat, in which case you will end up breathing milk, coughing and vomiting a shower of milk all over the kitchen floor. Just as the General Manager walks in.

You've been warned.
(Her Ghost zomegle.com, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Whilst trying to get a woman into bed....
...use rohypnal for for fast and easy results.



9 times out of 10 there wont be any reproccussions.
(rossydizzle, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 13:10, Reply)

when picking a QOTW
don't make one called 'Top Tips', because it'll take you about a month to get enough decent replies
(swander, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 12:10, Reply)

rhys, maddie...
if you're a young, sweet looking child wearing an everton shirt, DON'T LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE
(swander, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:09, Reply)

Should your wife...
break her leg falling down the stairs, a wise man will not take to calling her 'Slinky', no matter how affectionatly, for this way lies sleeping on the sofa, and eating beans on toast alone.
(TwoFourAlpha, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 22:30, Reply)

Top Tip
"when pleasuring a larger lady invite your friends along, grab hold of the woman and see how long you can hang on for when she sees them and tries 2 escape. top tip is suggest doggy style...you can get a good grip whilst on her back."

Do NOT do this. Instead...don't bother with the mates and have a nice shag (with jiggly bits) instead.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 16:45, Reply)

when
having a wank,
check the room is empty 1st
(thebadger Isn't lurking for a change on,, Sun 2 Sep 2007, 22:27, Reply)

Arty farty
Budding artists - To sculpt an elephant, get a block of stone, and chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant.
(youngone, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 17:47, Reply)

whenver veiwing QOTW answers
that are from Willenium always click 'I like this'
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 0:08, Reply)

Completely off topic, but some (not so useful) advice:
Applied for a job at a pub before i got the current job, not entirely sober at the time...
"Do you have any jobsh going pleasssshhhhhhhe *burp*?"
"Er... Yeah..."
"Whatshhha pay like 'ere?"
"... £5.40 per hour..."
"Can i jushhhht get a couple of pintsh per hour?"
".... No. Sorry, i er... The job just got taken..."
Moral? Never apply for jobs by basically admitting to alcoholicism. (sp?)
(TheIllusionaryCow Is Slowly Being Grilled By Imaginary People On, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 12:58, Reply)

On the way home from the pub...
...*always* go for a pee before you set off.

Trust me, home's further than you remember.
(Her Ghost zomegle.com, Thu 30 Aug 2007, 8:37, Reply)