Got a headache?
Get someone to massage the fleshy part of your hand under your thumb and in the 'v' of your hand between the thumb and index finger like they are kneading bread dough. It will go away and they'll think you know secret mystical ninja powers.
(whatswiththemonkey, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 15:51, Reply)

Mother's Advice
1) When in doubt, belt up and listen.
2) Always bake biscuits, cakes, and cookies on the highest rack possible in the oven (with a pan of water on the lower rack if it's a loaf that you don't want to scorch on the bottom.) When baking pies, put them on the middle rack and halfway through the cooking time place a ring of tinfoil over the edge to protect it from burning while the rest of the pie bakes.
3) If you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, don't listen to Radiohead ("Paranoid Android" is especially perilous.)
4) Ask for help. You'll usually get it.
5) To quickly and effortlessly mix a Christmas duff with the consistency of cement, use an electric mixer - but NOT with the regular beaters (which would burn out the motor.) Use the dough hook (fairly inexpensive to purchase and will save you from breaking wooden spoons in half and/or pulling a muscle.)
(socialised_medicine quietly returns to Saskatchewan for Lurkfest 2007, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 15:28, Reply)

Get away with murder in 3 easy steps.
Want to murder someone and make it look like suicide?

Find a room with a sliding bolt lock on the door.

1) Shoot the victim, clean the gun and wipe off your prints. Make sure you get some of their prints on it.

2) Loop some dental floss around the sliding lock and shut the door, standing outside the room.

3) Pull on the floss to close the lock, then release one end to pull the floss thru.

Now flee in an orderly fashion and job's a good un!

(Saw this once on an episode of Ironside. Who says TV isn't educational)

The dental floss bit is also a really handy trick to play on your flatmates.
( jonnyfatman, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:40, Reply)

Diving
When diving into a swimming pool, take a deep breath before you dive in, that way you will certainly aviod any vomiting, coughing, hospitalisation and maybe death.
(lankynyack, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:27, Reply)

How handy!
If you get stuck in an avelanche and don't know which way is up to crawl out then spit and gravity will draw the spit downwards.

If you need to run away from a crocodile then do it in a zig-zag as it slows it down.

Don't bother bellowing at the woman who answers the phone to your 118 query of why there aren't any pizza places open at 4.30 in the morning - it's not her fault. (Learnt this one today!)
( The Helpful Bear, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:17, Reply)

If you don't have a dishwasher.
Easy way to clean glasses - fill with hot soapy water, put your hand over the top and shake it like a big shaking thing.
( Christian Bale of Hay in a field, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Looking for a book on fly fishing and can't find it?
Get a life or die you old gripper....
(Hugh.G.Rection Brother to Clendrix......., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 13:59, Reply)

Rehydration (including hangover)
I was told by a childrens' nurse that instead of using Dioralyte rehydration salts she used a 50/50 mix of flat cola and water to achieve the same effect without the rank taste.
( CowJam, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 12:16, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Clear your stuffed nose
Press your tongue as hard as you can into the roof of your mouth then press your finger between your eyebrows and up a little bit. Do that ten or so times and stop and you should feel all that snot dribble down the back of your throat.
( CowJam, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Top Trumps
When playing against younger opponants (for keepsies of course) add cards in from other sets to spice up your hand..

they dont know that jack bauer didnt play for chelsea, or that there is no diplodicus in the marvel ultimate alliance
(tranCendenZ eXistenZ IS PAUSED! on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

Stinky Mitts
If your hands pong wash them in Hot water first and then immediately run them under cold water, there’s some sciencey type chemical reaction that makes the hum disappear like magics.

Ti's true!
( Mrs.Sp@m, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 10:53, Reply)

Onions (again)
*jumps on onion bandwagon*

In addition to the other onion based top tippery - if you store onions in the frige for a bit before you need them, that also helps inhibit the release of chemicals which make you cry when peeling them.

:)
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 10:22, Reply)

Become nocturnal.
When you wake up instead of sitting through those shite morning programs that tell you how to make sushi and donate to fuck-wit charities to find out the what's going on in the world, you can watch the six o'clock news. It's far more to the point and has slightly less irritating news readers.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 10:18, Reply)

Cleaning out your bong....
Empty out all the nasty bong water and fill with a mixture of Fairy Power Spray, uncooked Rice and hot water. Leave it to settle for a couple of minutes - then plug up the ends of the bong with a bit of clingfilm to stop any water escaping, then shake the bong, the agitating motion of the rice, coupled with the Power Spray means a clean bong with practically no scrubbing! :)
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 9:44, Reply)

Want to stop crying?
Tickle the roof of your mouth with the tip of your tongue.

Not guaranteed to work with onions or shotgun wounds.
(baldie, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 9:30, Reply)

Dropped your pot on the carpet?
Just get a sock (or a pair of tights) and place it over the end of your vacuum cleaner to suck up any loose 'erb - once you're done, place a piece of paper underneath and turn the hoover off. White paper is better as that way you can remove the odd bit of fluff that may have found its way in....


:)
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 9:25, Reply)

Onions
Tired of onions making you cry ? DONT FUCKIN COOK WITH THEM !
(kitescreech still here, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 8:54, Reply)

When attempting to fix a broken gun in a cartoon duck hunting situation
avoid looking down the barrel where possible.
( Yeknom. Incontinence and Premature ejaculation? Easy come, easy go., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 4:14, Reply)

Lifestyle tip
If you don't want to be an alcoholic, don't lose your job while The Ashes are on.

I forget what sobriety (and daytime) feel like.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 3:11, Reply)

Onions
@daveshane

If you bite onto a metal spoon (or any other kind) sideways like a horse, then it'll stop you crying too.

Also good for getting people to look stupid and shut-up too. :)
(gerg, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 1:52, Reply)

Prevent sneezing.
whenever you feel the onset of a sneeze. just say "birmingham"
does the trick and if anyone asks what the hell you're talking about, you can tell them that b-b-b-b-b-b-birmingham's bloody great.
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 0:04, Reply)

Onions
Stop your eyes watering when peeling onions by sticking your tongue out as far as it will go.

you look stupid but you won't cry like the bitch you are.
(daveshane An ah dohn make no sense, but baby ah'm the shit, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 23:59, Reply)

for those bare cupboard days
make a load of soup out of reduced priced, nearly out of date, veg.

Freeze it.

When you have no foods/moneys, bring it out and gorge yourself.
( TheAlmightyBeev, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 22:59, Reply)

A great way to get rid of a headache
smack your toe with a hammer. Hurts like fuck but you sure as hell won't notice the headache
( Bobson I who milks the milkmen?, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 22:54, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

After a crime, don't wash the blade in hot water.
The heat 'cooks' the blood and it sets solid onto the metal.

Better to soak it for a few hours in cold water, then wash it gently in lukewarm water with plenty of Fairy Liquid, rinsing well before patting dry and flinging into the nearest canal.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 22:14, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

soft toys
Your girlfriends soft toys can be a brilliant and handy thing to jerk off on if she drops you (and you break into her house while she's out).
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 22:11, Reply)