Epileptics
Don't forget to order your repeat prescription of Lamotrigine otherwise you may run out over the weekend. Then by Monday morning it'll feel like someone's been at your blood with a soda-stream.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 9 Mar 2008, 14:29, Reply)

Mortuary
Applying for a job as a mortuary technician but unsure whether you'll be able to stomach dealing with dead, dismembered, decaying and infested humans, then trawl through rotten.com to become desensitised to it prior to interview.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 9 Mar 2008, 14:20, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Oh Wise One
If you decide to partake in a Fly agaric session then try a small piece 2 hours b4 as there is no telling how potent each one is and you might end up in the nuthouse like my mate did, silly cunt
( acab, Sun 9 Mar 2008, 10:31, Reply)

Feel like you need to fart?
Go ahead! It's healthy and you'll feel relieved.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:12, Reply)

UK Tax Haven
If you have the tax man chasing you for all the money you have in your vast accounts, Send it to me for safe keeping. I'll look after it at no charge to yourselves and will keep no records of how much you have with me so Mr tax man cannot prove who's it is. I will however need several years notice before you make a withdrawal from your account with me, as I'm very forgetful with things Inc money.
(Lo-couk, Sat 8 Mar 2008, 14:07, Reply)

Bad Drivers
If someone cuts you off, don't waste your horn tooting them. Instead, bark like a preacher possessed.
(Kathleen, Sat 8 Mar 2008, 4:00, Reply)

Tired of your rulers shattering?
Many stationers now sell Shatter Resistant rulers such as these.
(Mr Eraserhead Why aren't you a lemon?, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 16:41, Reply)

to smell your own breath
-lick your wrist (it needs to be really wet)
-wait a couple of seconds
-smell.

If your breath is bad, you should be able to smell bad on your wrist.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 8:27, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

when making lesbian pornos
dont let the actresses have long nails. its kinda obvious they arent proper into it.
(bernards bitch don't want to be known for a oneliner, Thu 6 Mar 2008, 4:05, Reply)

Never trust a Gypsy
just dont


Ever
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 11:22, Reply)

Delicious Semen
They say that if he eats pineapple, a man's jizz will taste ever-so lovely.

But you already knew that, so here's a top tip for an April fool's:

Tell your g/f (or, I suppose, b/f) that this is what you're up to, but secretly commence a diet of anchovies and pickled eggs a few days before April 1st.

Scrumptious.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 10:58, Reply)

Hiccups again - digital rectal massage

not the alternative to analogue rectal massage but with shitter signal-
a swift finger up yer starfish will do the trick...

trust me, i'm a doctor
(Shelves, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 2:19, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Prevent people sitting in the seat next to you on public busses and trains
by putting an old pair of Y fronts that you've previously stained with tea on the relevant seat.

It's better than using a rucksack because no-one will have any idea that they're yours.

If someone makes eye contact whilst seeking a seat simply look at the 'offending' pants, scrunch your face up in disgust and shrug slightly.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Tue 4 Mar 2008, 21:12, Reply)

Cure for the hiccups...
I can think of two hiccup cures which almost always work for me.

1. Try to hiccup. Sounds silly but if you try to force a hiccup, which is nigh on impossible, it does something strange to the diaphragm and stops them. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I find that some people can always get this to work and some people can't so if you're one of the lucky ones then this is pretty good.

2. Suck on something. Your choice what you want to suck I suppose. I find a mint pretty good. A teaspoon of sugar or something similar works. Teaspoon of sugar is best, especially if you just constantly suck slowly until the sugar is gone. Always works this one does. For me anyway...Not too good for your teeth though.

Failing that, a swift kick to the bollocks or a cunt punt works quite well too!
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Sun 2 Mar 2008, 19:35, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pea Roast
Step 1, team up with a trolley buddy, henceforth to be known as TB (unfortunate, ehh)

Step 2, take TB into supermarket, both acquire trolleys and do your weekly shop, both of you must acquire exact quantities of exactly the same products. (see where this is going?)

Step 3, you go and pay for one trolley load of goods, keep the receipt and put items directly into the trolley, no bags.

Step 4, leave TB in store and unpack your paid for goods into your car (we're hoping you have one). Then return to store and find TB

Step 5, meet up with TB in store and saunter out with his load of shopping. If collared by security guard brandish receipt for paid for goods. Hey presto, double shopping for half the price.

Step 6, alternate ending. Return one load of shopping and demand money back. Up to you

Step 7, report back with your success stories, or otherwise.

Go on! It's only Tescos!
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 16:52, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Sneezing
I find when any friends of mine can't stop sneezing that the following steps always work.

Creep up behind them...

Tap them on the sholder...

then PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE until there unconsious...

Tie them to the back of your car, if you don't have a car a mate's will do fine. Make sure you tie them with nylon rope... don't ask just do it.

Drive around as fast as you posibly can a solid 80 on the motorway if you want to sure.

Hey presto no more annoying hicups...
EVER

Works like a charm though I'm starting to get very low on friends making it quite hard to borrow a mate's car...I'm sure I'll have this fixed in version 2 though
(K9, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:03, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

If your going to break up with your girlfriend
F*ck her first, she may commit suicide and you wont get another chance (unless your into that)
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 0:01, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Athletes
Draw attention away from the fact that you've taken steroids by running really slowly
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 17:03, Reply)

If you're in Australia and you swallow a fly
Don't swallow a spider to catch it, most are poisonous and you'll die before you even get to the horse.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 9:57, Reply)

Wanna cure the chav pest?
Send them on an en masse, all expenses paid trip to sunny sunny venus! They're probably too stupid to realise they cant live in the atmosphere and will probably willingly consent, thinking that its some sort of holiday resort.
(cantbearsed I cant be bothered to write a sig... wait, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 15:59, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

When giving you mother a lift for the first time in your car...
...remember to check for any used condoms you may have lost after rutting your girfriend earlier in the week, letting her discover it will not calm her nerves.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 11:43, Reply)

Don't ever drink again.

(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 2:43, Reply)

in self service tills
put everything through as loose potatoes.

because 500g of potatoes weighs the same as 500g of muffins.

but costs a lot less.
(digital observations, Sun 24 Feb 2008, 1:09, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

20p shop machines
Save 19p by wrapping a penny in tin foil and putting it in one of those machines outside shops that vend a plastic capsule which contains a crap toy. Turn the handle and the mechanism will think it's a 20p coin. I haven't done this for 15 years.
(xwoody01, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 22:08, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

When
Is this particular QOTW going to end?
(kitescreech still here, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 14:24, Reply)

If you want your asparagus to smell funny
Drink piss.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 12:50, Reply)

If you're shagging a devout catholic lass...
For fuck's sake don't find her G-spot at 2am.

At her place.

When her parents are asleep.

And she's a screamer.

In retrospect it's rather amusing, but when you've got a girl with her knees over your shoulders and her father beating the shit out of you with a cricket bat it's really fucking painful.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 3:45, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

want your pee to smell like roast chicken flavour crisps?
then eat a bag of sainsburys own roast chicken flavour crisps

wait a while (about an hour) then go for a pee
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 14:31, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Blow your nose - WITHOUT blowing it
Slightly tricky, but basically if you have a snotty nose get some tissue and twist it up into a line.

now, carefully put it to your nose (use a mirror) and get some snot near one end of it. Yes! that's right! get the tissue turning round ensuring you have a hand a each end for control purposes and the snot, if the right consistency, will by the power of mucus magic, start to wind around the tissue and gradually all of the snot in your nostril will be pulled out.

*tip* move the tissue from left to right to keep the snot on fresh tissue, you don't want it going over itself, as this makes the snot lose traction and your snot rollng session will end too early.

if you have a lot of snot, possibly due to having a massive konk a tissue change may be required. with practice you'llbe able to leave a small bit of snot hanging out to attach to the next tissue.

it feels really nice. it is possible for you to do both nostrils at the same time, but this method does mean you'll get some snot on at least both of your index fingers and thumbs.

Personally I prefere te single nostril method, which is very safe as far as snot contamination goes.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 23:57, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)