Rising petrol costs?
Don't go to the petrol station when your tank is empty, go when it's half full and your petrol bills will mysteriously halve.
( harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 10:36, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ants coming into your house?
Watch them to see where they path (ants will ALWAYS use the same path unless it is obstructed), then simply draw a line of chalk (ordinary blackboard chalk will do) across said path. The ants will walk up to the line and then turn back (sounds bizarre I know but utterly true - try it for yourself). The cheeky little blighters will probably search out and find a new route in, but then simply repeat the cunning chalk line barrier and hey presto - and ant free house!

Failing that, simply plant dynamite in your cellar and blow the place to smithereens. Let's see those pesky ants find a way in now!
( oucheh I am have confused, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Never
sneeze whilst hiding
( ablufia v0.43 - have your face drawn, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 9:13, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just found a small hole in your shirt and you dont have time to iron another one?
Simply colour in your skin beneath the hole the same colour as your shirt with a pen or permanent marker.
White shirt?
Liquid paper (Tippex)
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 8:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

shower wank
Use shampoo as lube when choking the snake in the shower and think about your hot cousin. Result.
(Paddy O'Dawes, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 22:12, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Moving a zip , the pull tab of which has broken off
One of the zip pulls broke off my troos, and as the zip was fairly stiff I was unable to move it by simply pulling the slider.
Dental floss, threaded through the slider (through the hole normally occupied by the pull) a couple of times to make a loose loop (just a single-strand loop might be a bit too hard on the fingers and more prone to breakage) moved the slider nicely when pulled.

I should add that this wasn't the fly zip; it's one of thouse trousers that you can unzip the legs off to make them into shorts. You'd look a bit silly with lengths of dental floss dangling from your flies.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 8:56, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Mothers
Don't ask your offspring how old they are everytime they do something silly like getting sunburnt while passed out drunk in the garden.
As far asI am aware you were there at the birth so should know.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 15:35, Reply)

Stand Up and Save Time
Stand-up comedians: With the advent of online booking, many venues now hold the names and addresses of an event's attendees on a database. If asked, they can probably provide you with a near-complete list of where each member of your audience comes from, thus saving you from having to spend the first half of your performance asking every last fucking one of them in turn.
(costas, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 13:03, Reply)

Lunchtime Moneysaver
Don't waste money on expensive Cup-a-Soups. Instead, simply vomit into a mug and leave it to go cold on your desk, then tip it down the sink at the end of the day.
(costas, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 12:47, Reply)

Cheat Death
Always keep a couple of aces up your sleave. That way if he throws down a flush you always have a chance of beating him by using the cards.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 1:14, Reply)

Everyone
if you rip a piercing out, do not attempt to glue it back in with superglue. This will only create mess and more pain.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 23:44, Reply)

Africans
Stop banging on about walking 10 miles each day just to collect fresh water.
Remember that you live in mud nuts, it’s not like you’ve got a fucking mortgage.
Move closer!
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:23, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cola again
Thawed out frozen Cola in a wok to make it drinkable again? Do not try boiling it down to a syrup in order to mix it with carbonated water from a soda-stream as you'll just end up with a foul smelling goo and your mate will not be happy when the bottom of his wok has rusted and fell apart over the following three days.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 18:34, Reply)

Cola
Found a can of coke at the back of the freezer? Do not saw the bottom off the can with a large kitchen knife and then thaw the ice out in a wok. You will just end up with a very flat cola flavoured liquid.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 18:29, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

beverages
If you are arseing about with a Soda Stream, do not make carbonated milk. It is quite possibly the most putrid drink you will ever taste.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 18:26, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Got oil or grease on your skin but no soap handy?
Rub some sand or soil on your oily skin and wash off with water.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 20:31, Reply)

Don't
stop thinking about tomorow.
it'll soon be here.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 8:48, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Vandals
when drunkenly smashing shopwindows late at night ensure maximum pain for the shopkeeper by kicking out and disposing of the little plastic sticker that tells the police which glazer to call
(Ijustlurkhere, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 11:43, Reply)

Clean conscience
We all know that violence doesn't solve anything,so the next time someone spills your pint or looks at you funny simply hold your knife VERY close to their eye and explain in a calm and precise manner how close you are to making a widow of their significant other.I find this solves almost all confrontations without resorting to barbarism.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 10:58, Reply)

thumbs
if you strike your thumb with a hammer the best thing to do is to shove it up your arse.....your thumb no the hammer
(reetard nobodyknowswheremyjohhnyhasgone, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 21:54, Reply)

Pants wetter wannabes
Are you curious about what it feels like to wee in your pants for fun but too squeamish to try? Wear a wetsuit and go diving until it warms up. The feeling is similar.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 16:08, Reply)

Unsure of your gender?
Get someone to kick you in the groin. If it hurts, you're a woman. If it's the end of the world as you know it, you're a bloke.
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 19:21, Reply)

Tabs!
Make fags easier to light by dipping the ends in petrol.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 1:54, Reply)

For mercenaries who want to be heavily armed in a public place but without the all the screaming and armed response:
Paint the tip of your barrel bright orange - the code for "This weapon is only a replica".
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Sun 29 Jun 2008, 21:27, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Mistakes
You should always learn by your mistakes. It is well known that the best method of learning is repetition so, to be truly knowlegeable, you need to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
(Fles is a man amongst gods., Sun 29 Jun 2008, 16:56, Reply)

Black Ice
I remember when I got my first car and my father was advising me on dangers on the road. "Black ice is invisible," he said, "so watch out for it."
(Fles is a man amongst gods., Sun 29 Jun 2008, 16:54, Reply)

b3ta addicts
When closing your web-browser, don't close it with a b3ta tab active. You'll get sucked back in.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 16:23, Reply)

cunting rats
A wild rat can go from apparently dying from shock to extremely aggresive in about four fifths of a second.Do not pick them up.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 12:53, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Making friends
Try not being a miserable cunt who whines about viz repostings as some people may not have read them initially. this may endear you to b3tards.
(biscuit bill, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 5:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)