Close this QOTW
It's useless without being able to /all
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Mon 1 Feb 2010, 6:26, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Spag Bol
when making spag bol, don't cook the spaghetti in a pan on it's own, put it in with the bolognese, 10 or so mins before serving. It does take longer to cook it due to you not actually boiling it but the spaghetti soaks up all the lovely juices that the bol has created.
(Kip, Sat 30 Jan 2010, 15:59, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Members of the Iraq Inquiry Panel
Stop asking Tony Blair easy questions. What we all really want to know is why he's such a slimy cunt who seemed to have his head firmly wedged up Bush's "axis of evil."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 10:24, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Gentlemen!
If you like the young ladies (and why wouldn't you!) do bear in mind that they are unlikely to admit being underage.

Don't even bother asking. This little nugget of common sense can keep you from the shotgun/courthouse.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 10:10, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Baddies...
Don't talk to the good guy hero person for so fucking long telling them how your henchmen are going to kill him slowly by dunking him repeatedly in a vat of sulphuric acid. Only for your henchmen to lead him away and he miraculously escapes because they haven't been properly trained, aren't carrying their weapons and forgot to put handcuffs on him.

Noooo.....just blow his brains out on the spot with a fucking gun while you have the chance!!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 23:11, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

This is serious you cunt
Cut up your scrap printer paper into A5 sized pieces.
Use it to cover the bowl when you are microwaving something e.g. a can of soup (minus the can).
It is stiff.
It does not require washing.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:30, Reply)

sexy food time
ladies! getting carried away with your other half whilst in the middle of some kitchen shenanigans?

ALWAYS remember to check that if you've cut/deseeded chillies/garlic at anytime during the evening, get him to wash his bloody mitts PROPERLY before he indulges in any type of friggering activity. Those few precious seconds under the tap will spare you hours of feeling like you've just contracted the most painful bout of burning cystitis. And it will stop your vag smelling like the inside of a fridge.
(shutupyoucunt, Tue 26 Jan 2010, 9:06, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Delight then immediately dismay
newbies by praising their post, then slagging it off straight away afterwards.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 25 Jan 2010, 17:35, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Delight then immediately dismay
heroin addicted beggars by throwing them a a small foil packet containing chicken gravey granuals
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Mon 25 Jan 2010, 12:30, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The Windows.
Never ever under circumstances open the windows at home. Doing so lets in dust, aids, swine flu and god knows what else.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 23 Jan 2010, 17:54, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Vampires
Worried about being turned to ash when you expose yourself to sunlight? Come and live in the UK. It's never fucking sunny here
(Meatfish BAH, Sat 23 Jan 2010, 15:03, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

In the same vein
Be careful what you post to the Internet under your real name, especially if you don't have a common name and you're applying for jobs.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Or alternatively
don't use the same username all over the internet. Keep your B3ta name unique from everything else you've signed up to.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 15:55, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Then again, other people's stupid stories and idiotic mistakes are always fun
So on second thoughts don't let me deter you. In 20 years' time with any luck we'll end up having a Cabinet minister forced to resign over incriminating Facebook photos put up when he/she was a teenager. That more than offsets the occasional mild annoyance.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 17:02, Reply)

As such, don't put anything up on the web that you won't be happy to see five years down the line
It's not quite as bad as getting a dodgy tattoo of a topless woman permanently jabbed into your arm, but it can be even harder to effectively remove when you finally grow up a bit.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 17:00, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Of course, you may not have posted anything genuinely offensive
It may just be stupid nonsense that, in the context of b3ta, barely passes for offensive. But others - including yourself in 6 years' time - may not see it like that.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Also worth remembering
That your profile retains several Question of the Weeks, and this is the thing Mr Google is most likely to pull up for people.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 16:56, Reply)

When posting stupid nonsense on b3ta's Question of the Week
Don't forget that yous stupid online pseudonym may, a few years down the line, be rather less anonymous than it is now. But Mr Google never forgets.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Hot cheese toasty threatening to burn your mouth?
Bite the tip off each corner and blow through it till cool enough to eat.

Also releases an amusing amount of steam: For best results, blow towards the face of the nearest glasses wearer.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Noo Shoos?
Dissapointed with new shoes? Or need to break in some walking boots quickly?
Reuse a set of insoles from a pair of knackered trainers. They will already be moulded to your feet.
This works well for making flat hi-tops more suitable for people with archy arches like me.
You could always chuck them in the washing machine first if you're a particularly malodorous human.
(richvs, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 23:47, Reply)

When making toast soldiers for your boiled egg
After buttering, sprinkle your salt & pepper on the toast and it will stick to the butter.
That way you get an even amount right down to the last bit of yolk, rather than sprinkling it on top of the yolk and getting one big salty hit on the first mouthful.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 15:29, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Woken up with a hangover
After spending too much time/money the pub the night before? Feel a bit sick and tired and can't face going to work?

Then call your boss and tell him you're sick and you won't be coming in that day. To make it more convincing, take a second day off.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 15:17, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Embarrass prudish bathroom store salespeople
by asking if all their fittings only come in chrome, or whether they also do golden showers
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 22:41, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Cheese on toast
When you toast the bread but before you add the cheese, spread the butter over the entire surface right to the edges and into the corners. That way when you add the cheese and pop it back under the grill, it doesn't come back out with burnt edges/corners.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 15:34, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

when using a phone
be aware you may have two Simons in the memory , one who knows the answer to your question , and another who will let you prattle on till you start wondering why he's being so unhelpful, then call you a fanny.

That is all.
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Cold bed?
I bloody hate getting into a cold bed and freezing my tits off in winter.

Solution, provided by smart thinking housemate:
Get into bed fully clothed for five minutes, then undress. Bed is now pre-warmed.
(photoben, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 10:13, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Mouth painting artists
paint something other than mouths for a change.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 1:10, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sensible one for once...
When you have a cold starting, or you've had a special night out(/in), fill a glass with body temperature warm water and dissolve some salt in it.

Gently sniff the water into your mouth, spit out the nose goo and blow the rest away - hey presto, empty nose!

And being body temperature saline, this shouldn't hurt a bit.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 21:41, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When giving yourself a Blow Job...
Consider wearing a condom. That way you won't get a big wad of goo in your mouth.
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:22, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Work in IT?
On no account tell your friends and family, or you'll forever be their personal, free, IT helpdesk.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:26, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)