Got an ear piercing without an ear-ring/stud?
Due to being in gainful employment in a position where ear-studs would be frowned upon?

Prevent collection of gunk in the unused hole by sticking little garlic stems in the holes. This will clear and disinfect the hole.

The downside however is you won't be able to scratch the hole and then sniff the gunk while thinking "Nasty!".
(happyFinish, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 4:23, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Don't read the answers to the "Ouch!" Question Of The Week
when eating your lunch.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

When invited to stay after time in a pub on the pretext of Ghost Hunting...
...by the cute bar staff, Don't actually go upstairs to the office to watch the cctv feed from the IR cameras... find something much better to do... start with a drink at least. If you *must* watch the screens, and a small, harmless spider should wonder innocently in front of the camera lens, remember that it will look like massive spooky bony fingers creeping across the screen. Screaming like a big girl will not make the spider move any faster... but it might attract the attention of the attitude ridden landlord, who despite his bravado behind the bar would rather stay in bed and call the police than get up and see what has happened.

The final result? Two previously bored bobbies smirking at 3.30am, one less customer allowed to enter the premises again, and one less cute bar staff behind the bar. Should've stayed home and watched Most Haunted!
(Nozirrah turned left instead of right and ended up here on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 7:13, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Get your change counted without paying commission
If you want to know how much yer shrapnel is worth, don't go to one of those change counting machines in supermarkets; they take a commission.

Instead, use the self service machines (Tesco's definitely works) to buy some insignificant item* (e.g. a doughnut for 15p) and pile in all your change. Not only will you get your change counted quickly, you get a doughnut and any extra change is given back in reasonable coinage!

*If you're too stingy to buy anything, just cancel the purchase at the last minute, you dole scum you
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 14:05, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When attempting to drive out of Birmingham with a satnav
be sure to set it to 'car' after using it on 'pedestrian' around the city centre.

Otherwise it won't let you near the motorway and will confuse you by telling you you're not due home for several days instead of an hour.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 2 Aug 2010, 9:33, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Teenage girls and menopausal women.
If your man is all sparkly and won't shag you, it's because he's a gay, not a vampire.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 17:17, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Wanking off to youtube Armando Iannuci videos?
Quickly At+Tab to Kate Perry videos if caught.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 19:31, Reply)

binbag hoiking made easier
drill a small hole near the base of your kitchen bin inner container. It will make yanking the binbag out a squillion times easier because there won't be any suction from the gap between the bottom of the bin and the bag.
(teasus likes tea, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 9:13, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When next in York
go to Giftag fudge and choocies emporium and buy some whisky and raisin fudge. It's somewhat* nice.

* In the same way Hitler was somewhat naughty
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 1:21, Reply)

When looking at Katy Perry vids on YouTube
or 'Busty Amateur Wife' (on a site similar to YouTube but for a more discerning audience), it's best to use a different browser altogether from your regular everyday browser. And always remember to clean out the history regularly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 19:39, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Never be in a relationship with Katy Perry, Cheryl Cole etc
You will find yourself masturbating daily to Armando Iannucci
(PassTheKhat, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 2:19, Reply)

Never stay with a woman who doesn't satisfy you sexually.
You may end up spending the rest of your days furiously masturbating to Cheryl Cole, Katy Perry and Scarlett Johansson videos on Youtube.
(TheColonel, Tue 27 Jul 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Need to walk through somewhere smelly?
Don't hold your breath! Instead simply take a deep breath outside, and while walking through the odour breathe outwards slowly.

Presto! No particles or gases can get up your nose to surprise you when you get to the other end.
( Cadmus has teh uplikn coeds at, Mon 26 Jul 2010, 20:10, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Are you always late?
Give yourself a much larger arrival time frame by suffixing all meeting times with "ish". ie 'see you at 6'ish'. By doing this you can be at least another 45 mins late without the person you are meeting having any grounds for being pissed.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 23:52, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Never gain permission......
....simply appologise if it backfires.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 13:10, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Is b3ta blocked by your company's Hitler like web filter?
Get on with some work then you lazy cunt.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 12:18, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

That InPrivate browsing in IE8
isn't only good for keeping the mrs's anniversary present secret, like in the adverts.

it also does the same for www.jizzhungrytitwhores.com
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 20:30, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Is B3ta blocked by your company's Hitler like filters?
Are you then aware that you can use http://jelly.b3ta.com

b3ta.com is blocked at my work, however jelly.b3ta.com is not and it works the same as the normal address.

EDIT: turtles head is correct, no www on it, I've removed this.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 13:42, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Want chilled water?
Get the butler to do it, you pleb
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 19:26, Reply)

Further to my tip below
about chilled water www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post772200, a word of warning. If doing this in a standard tumbler rather than a water bottle, don't use too much ice. You'll be swigging off the ice-cold water and be tipping the glass up further and further. But there's the risk that the ice will wedge in the bottom of the glass and water will build up behind it like some sort of micro-glacial lake. As you tip the glass up to get what you think is the last of the water, the ice will dislodge and the rest of the very cold water will tip over your chin, down your neck and down the inside of your shirt onto your chest.

This will take you by surprise and you will squeal like a big girl
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 17:40, Reply)

Are you a busy person with an Android phone?
Then for the love of God do not download the game Alchemy. It will consume your life like a herion addiction leaving you out of work, delirious through lack of sleep and starved and dehydrated in a pool of your own cess and excrement.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Don't keep eggs in the fridge.
There's really no need, as they keep for ages anyway.

But cold eggs are much more likely to curdle when used, so if you're one of those people that does keep them in the fridge, allow them to reach room temperature before use. Your cakes will love you for it.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 20:17, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just spent almost £20 on a big Wisteria plant
only to notice that black ants are crawling up and down it eating the leaves?
Get some Nippon Ant Killer Liquid www.vitax.co.uk/index.php/area/pest-control/ants-crawling-insects/

A few drops on a bit of broken tile on the ant run does the trick. I put some down earlier and an hour later, they're fighting to get at the stuff and there are no ants on the plant itself. They carry the stuff back into the nest and it kills them from within. Takes a few days apparently to completely wipe them out.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 13:47, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Got the shits?
If so, be very careful when reaching for the Kaolin & Morphine in the depths of the night!

You might just pick up the almost identical bottle of Calamine Lotion by mistake!! It tastes foul honest!
( Vambo, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 7:39, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Got a half-finished bowl of chunky soup to wash up?
Torn between the sink and the bin for disposal?
Don't pissarse around straining the bits out with a fork, just chuck the lot down the toilet. Quick and easy, and anyone nosy listening in will think you have a really runny backside.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 16:23, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Get ahead of traffic
An absolutely ingenious driving tactic I have come to adore.

En route home there is a notoriously busy roundabout where traffic stretches for ages to turn left on the first exit. Instead of waiting in the queue, take the outside lane (which is always deserted), go right round the roundabout and take the exit, since you will have priority over those turning left from whence you came.

Saves me 15+ minutes daily!
(52486 office lolled on, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:37, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Predict the future
When watching the World Cup (or Wimbledon if you're posh,) live on TV, have your DAB radio secretly plugged into your ear. The broadcast time on digital radio is about 8 seconds ahead of the TV broadcast. Thus you will have a good 5 seconds to predict the next goal (point).
(bugboy, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 11:27, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Make your girlfriend come...
by shouting her name really loudly when you are in the lounge and she's in the kitchen.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 21:48, Reply)