Gear turfed out of window
I was walking back from my mates local after a shit night in some village near Edinburgh. We were crossing a field (short cut) when ahead a car being hotly pursued by the polis screamed past. Entertaining indeed. We continued towards the gate that would take us on to the main road and back up to my mate's house. As we climbed over the gate we saw a bag that had previously held a laptop. Only now it contained a big fuck-off brick of compacted skunk and various little zip-locks filled with unidentified pills. Flushed the pills and spent the next 3 months or so in a herbal-jazz induced daze. Nice.
(matdatphatkat, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 20:46, Reply)

Twix Twix
Yes! Last week, I put 40p in the vending machine at work, and not one but TWO Twixes came out.

Best day ever.
(amazingmikeyc internet ninja, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 20:46, Reply)

I thought someone was wanking in the mayonnaise at my local branch of McDonalds
but it just turned out to be John Peel, Pope John Paul II and Steve Irwin driving an ice-cream van, proffering cups of tea while wearing headphones and expressing amazement that inbred Norfolk people didn't like the snow or the fact that MSN wasn't working.

And then I got chilli on my cock.
/cynical
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 20:42, Reply)

Not really,
no.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Sat 16 Sep 2006, 20:16, Reply)

Car park
My family went shopping to Edinburgh one day where the car parks rob you blind. However this time the ticket machine must have been full, because when my dad put his money in, it started spewing out coins. He shouted me and my sister over and we stayed for ages, collecting coins by holding out our jumpers, and mum filled up her shopping bag. Eventually after a queue had formed behind us and we couldn't carry any more, we got embarrassed and went away with the machine still spewing coins. Then we went to the shops and for some reason the salesgirl in John Lewis got confused and gave my mum a bottle of expensive perfume for free. Wooyay!
(Mondaise, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 19:39, Reply)

Well, for the first time (and knowing my financial skills, not the last), I got charged £38 for not going overdrawn.
£38 that, naturally, I didn't have. So I am very poor.
Cock.
Anyway, it's my first or second day back at college and my mam (who works for the same bank as my account is with) texts me saying she's got back the overdraft fee for me. Score one.
Second, I went into the academy to hand out flyers for the gig that night (Breaks Co-Op, fact fans) and when I got out of the box office with my handful of flyers...
'Hannah? How do you fancy earning £30?'
Turns out Breaks Co-Op fans are great, so are their support bands, so is their tour manager. If I could get paid £30 for four hours of being bored (and knackered, I'd had oooh, three hours sleep the night before after going to a gig in Leeds the night before, getting back at two and then being up at six to get to college) I'd be happy to.
Good fortune? Hells yes.
(and now for someone completely different, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 19:38, Reply)

Free stuff and legal issues
Got offered some work with MTV not long ago which meant they gave me a free £400 video camera to keep, no questions asked. They didn't use my footage in the end but sent a contract to me asking if I'd agree to them using it for future projects. Happily signed it and sent it back to them despite all the 'we actually own your soul' clauses riddled throughout it. Why did I sign? Because they put the wrong model number on the 'in recepit of this blah blah camera you agree to blah blah' part. So I not only got a free video camera, if they use my footage I'm going to sue them for all they're worth.
(A Good Egg, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 17:58, Reply)

Redundant
made redundant last year from place that i worked at since i was 17.

payout - 34 grand

thats the mortgage paid off, so now im 34, no mortgage and in a better job at a better place with better people earning 31 grand a year.

oh, and i must mention the missus too, it was pretty unexpected when she said yes when i asked her out 8 years ago, not sure if she sees it as good fortune but i definately do.
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 17:45, Reply)

Exams
Got an A in document studies for Nazi Germny without revising.

Beat most of the so called celever people.

'Nuff said
(RobbJ, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 16:56, Reply)

Cash machine antics
I went to the cash machine near where I live at about 10pm on a Friday night, in order to procure some substances for myself a mate who was going back to Poland the next week. Now, usually the petrol station would be quite busy at this time, but there was nobody there. Walking up to the cash machine, I saw some money sticking out, so I had a look round - still deserted, so I then put it in my left hand as serruptitiously as I could.

After withdrawing £30 for myself, I walked off and checked my wad. £100 - get in!
(Dinky Pimp, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Penniless in Heathrow
You can imagine my horror last year as I put my hand in my pocket to remove my boarding pass for my three week Japanese holiday to find something missing.

Not the boarding pass.
But my wallet.
With my Yen, all my credit cards and other means of fiscal sustenance.

I knew I had it earlier as I had used a card to pay for the beers in the pub on the OTHER side of security.

The plane was boarding and I was up a certain creek without a certain paddle.

I ran past security, and then got tackled. [They do not like people running through security in any direction!]

I then spent a hectic 10 minutes retracing my steps looking like a psycho pushing people out of the way while looking behind chairs and under tables.

Deciding that I would not miss my flight, and as worst seemed to have come to worst I could phone a friend to cancel my cards and wire me cash, I dejectedly returned to the gate.

But then, as I went back through security, I saw a Sun reading security drone flicking through my wallet while talking on the phone to someone.

I went up and identified myself and he grunted at me and said "don't fuckin' bother mate" to the guy on the phone.

Too happy to care about the antipathy of the drone, I returned to find that I was one of the last of the passengers to get on the fully loaded plane.

I approached the gate and produced my boarding pass.

"Sorry sir, we are very busy today, and your seat in economy has been taken..."

"Oh shit," I thought, "all I need."

"... so we have upgraded you to business class"

I had a nice glass of champagne to celebrate my newfound spawnyness.
( coder.keitaro I like pies!, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 16:28, Reply)

...and then I found 20 dollars.
I found a twenty lying on the sidewalk two days ago. I've never found money anywhere before, and lo and behold, two days later I see this question on b3ta.

I found it when I was walking a girl home instead of making a misguided attempt to sleep with her. A sign?
(kid_charlemagne is apparently still not dead yet., Sat 16 Sep 2006, 16:14, Reply)

good fortune lasted about 3 minutes
I walked up to an ATM to get $20 and found $60 hanging out of the money slot. Then I got my 20, walked into the bank and handed the $60 to a cashier who looked at me like I was nuts.

Looking back, I can see that I was.

(She probably pocketed the money too)
(Ditch, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 15:35, Reply)

won 12quid on a scratchcard the other week
meh.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 15:14, Reply)

well i'll be fucked if anyone reads this 'lil doozie
well. last year i was diagnosed with epilepsy, and lost my PPL (private pilots liscense) just after i'd nearly completed the fucking course when i was 20. ANYWAY-good came of this, bear with me. i am an electrician, and i suffered a seizure at work. "so what" you say, well, it was in front of the cheif h&s exec, and he went to my firm and had a whinge. i was then suspended illegally (on full pay) for ages, by my boss who hates me and thinks i'm a cunt. he realised this after two months, and shat himself over the legal ramifications. i threatened to sue him. i now get full sick pay AND UNLIMITED holiday. who's the cunt now
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 14:57, Reply)

The "New South Wales" Finest...
A couple of years ago I worked for a travel company and was very forunate enough to have a few free trips (The US, Turkey, Spain &, most memorably, Oz). These freebies are known as Fam Trips and are set up so "Travel Folk" can familiarise themselves with these places and enable them to be more knowledgeable when people ask what these places are like. However, they are well known for being "All-Expenses-Paid-Mass-Piss-Ups".

The Oz trip was a cracker. A 10 day all expenses paid Jolly starting in Sydney and ending in Melbourne. FANTASTIC!

On the outbound flight I was fortunate enough to meet a very pretty 22 year old stewardess for Singapore Airlines who invited me to a "private party" at her pad in the Sydney suburbs. The trip was off to a flyer. So, it was half five in the morning when I stumbled out of the young lady's house extremely pissed and extremely shagged out after an energetic few hours. After walking for 5 minutes I realised that I...

a) Had no idea where I was
b) Had no idea where my hotel was
c) Had no idea what my hotel was called

Anyways, the Old Captain Cook spirit took hold and I set off walking. An hour later I was well and truly lost and didn't have a fucking clue where I was heading. At that point I saw a welcome light coming from a local cop shop so headed in. The female rozzer on duty smiled and asked what I wanted whereupon I replied, "I'm a travel agent, I'm English, I'm pissed and I'm lost. Help!". She asked me what my hotel was called and I mumbled "The Sydney Old Harbour Rocks Inn or something..." whereupon she burst out laughing and called some of her rozzer mates out to laugh at the dumb "pome". After 5 minutes one of the rozzers said he was going out on his rounds and that he'd try and find my hotel. After a 45 minute drive round Sydney (going over the bridge twice!) we eventually found my hotel, just in time for me to meet my colleagues waiting outside the hotel ready to be whisked away to a tourist attraction.

GOD BLESS THE SYDNEY ROZZERS!
(raiders of the lost zoo, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 13:53, Reply)

The Wheatsheaf Pub in Shedfield
Lucky day of the week was yesterday. Not only did I get shitfaced with a mate in Portsmouth under the auspices of the famous Millenium Tower, I got chatted up by 2 guys that were 20 years younger than me in a pub at Gunwharf Quays. I then find out this morning that my local pub has drawn the tickets on the meat draw last night and 3 of them are all mine. Very COOL
( Tiggy the diver, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 13:29, Reply)

Respect The Ants
Last year, in my student house, we had something of an ant problem. They were wandering around the kitchen, in and out of cupboards, generally causing annoyance to my housemates. They stayed out of my cupboards though, so I didn't really have an issue with them. My housemates were probably quite irritated with me when I objected to them killing them, and accused them of being 'ANTY-SOCIAL'. Guffaw. Many more ant puns followed. The ants clearly heard me, and loved me, as they kept out of my cupboard for weeks. My support was clearly appreciated, as they then helped my love life.

Having a bit of a soft spot (there's an obvious joke somewhere) for the girl who lived below me, I was getting quite dejected with my lack of success with her. Fortunately the ants were aware of my plight. Whilst we'd gone to the pub for some drinks, the ants had casually invaded her room and were all over her bed and clothes, meaning that she couldn't possibly stay there. Being the gentleman that I am, I let her stay with me.

For what it's worth, it was a bit of an anty-climax. But I think it goes to show that it pays to keep the ants onside.
(gmo, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 12:20, Reply)

Really bad year so far...??? (edited highlights)
Really bad year so far...??? (edited highlights)

Needed a new roof on the house costing £3k …downer

Father-in-law dies, sold his car for £3k …result

Break my leg in a motorbike accident …big downer

Off work on full sick pay …not so bad

Bike insurance error pays out £5k + £500 for extras? …result

Extras sell on eBay for £800 …even better!!

Damages valuation of extras is £1500 …fucking hat-trick!!!

Solicitor’s cheque for £5k in lieu of “my losses” …unbelievable!!!!

More to follow as liability is established …am I dreaming?

Happy pills prescribed by doctor to relieve nightmares …sweat dreams more like

And maybe a disabled parking permit …can it get any better than this?

Boss suggests I do some night school colleges classes …get qualified?

Pass exams with flying colours …fuck your poxy job, I’m never going back!

Start a new life in Phuket …open my own bar / brothel??

Live out the rest of my days in financial & sexual contentment…???

Nurse…!

NURSE…!!

N U R S E…!!!

“It’s all gone black again…?”
(minky, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 12:03, Reply)

Two tales of overpayment
The first being at the age of 17, working for the Co-Op Living department stores when they closed down. Despite only having worked there for 9 months they paid me £80 in redundancy, which wasn't too bad considering I was earning about £18 a week working Saturdays. What made it better, though, was that they paid me it with my final wage payment, and then sent me a cheque for the same amount. Which of course I cashed - result!

The second one is a few months after, and I was working as a Christmas temp at $popular_high_street_electrical_retailer. I lasted 7 weeks before walking out, but they still paid me a Christmas bonus. 6 months later they realised and asked for it back. Told them no. They asked again. Told them that they were lucky I didn't report them for multiple H&S breaches (long story). Strangely enough they went quiet after that...
( Biscuitzs -.. . -- ----- ...- -.- --. -.-, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 10:40, Reply)

Got out alive
I rolled and completely wrote off my car on 1st August. I got out without a scratch on me. The old policeman who arrived ran over to the car, clearly expecting to find a body, and looked at me in shock when I delcared I was the driver.. "How the hell have you walked away from that?"

The ambulance turned up quickly too, as whoever called 999 had also decided I must be dead, and the man refused to belive I had no injures, sitting me down and fully examining me (no, not full cavity....unfortunately) only to declare I was the luckiest person in the world.
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 9:44, Reply)

$$$
I got a payrise and bonus increase in July and yesterday I got another $6500 that I wasn't expecting at all. Woop-de-doop.
(CMYK Excess consumption may have a laxative effect, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 9:20, Reply)

ein jammy git
There i was, a bored teenager looking for something to do with my life, when a nice man in a black uniform suggested i join their militant scouting organisation. Unfortunately the fun didn't last, as the yanks and russki's invaded, but putting it in my cv got me a prestige job in Italy sixty years later.
They gave me another nice uniform too.
(bollox, not again, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 8:43, Reply)

Then there was the time...
... my kid sister was feeling around in a hole in the ceiling above the water heater in her basement flat, trying to figure out where her new cat was hiding, and discovered a well crumpled paper bag, which upon retrieving she discovered contained 32 vials of hash oil, left apparently by the previous tenants as they hastily rearranged things just before being Taken Away By The Police. I honestly don't recall if the cat came back or not.
(IdjitMittenz I log in once per decade., Sat 16 Sep 2006, 4:28, Reply)

Always take a good book on your honeymoon.
Just before I was about to leave on my (first) honeymoon, a package showed up in the mail -- the disks and manual to some BBS* software I'd ordered. I threw it in my suitcase and headed off to what turned out to be a three-week-long marriage, and my spouse's life was spared only by the good fortune of his greatly disillusioned bride having brought something interesting to read. We packed up and went our separate ways a few days after we arrived back home. Oh well.

Fortunately for me, the BBS software led to an acquaintance (albeit long-distance) with the people who wrote it, and that led to a job offer as a technical writer, which led to a fabulously delicious affair with one of the tech support guys, which led to an altogether more satisfying second wedding, honeymoon and marriage which is still looking like the most enjoyable and rewarding thing I ever did, 14 years later.

* Bulletin Board System (BBS), the forerunner of the interwebs. Click below if you remember Wildcat!
(IdjitMittenz I log in once per decade., Sat 16 Sep 2006, 4:01, Reply)

Three lags
I have a Renault Laguna, I really love the car, it's never let me down in three years and it's a pleasure to drive. It is however now looking a little 'rough round the edges' and getting a bit squeaky. I was out on the front a week or two ago and this guy came up to me and said "Oh, I'm scrapping that laguna over there (points to his drive) and if you want any spares for yours, let me know." I went and had a look at it, and it's an almost immaculate RT sport version with a spoiler and an electric sun roof! To break it for spares would be a crime, so I bought the whole thing (knackered engine and all) for £100. I have a decent engine to put in it don't I? Myself and a friend can sort that out, and he doesn't want anything for doing it. After a few days, I realised that I wouldn't have any transport once I butcher my car, and I'm not exactly well off so the new car had been sitting on the drive for a while. Cue a guy coming to my door and asking if I want to join a karate club. I tells him no thanks, my back is a bit dodgy, then he asks about my Laguna. He says he's got one the same if I want to buy it for parts, £75. So now I have three lagunas, one tired, one with a busted engine and petrol tank, and one with a dodgy clutch and broken starter motor*. We plan on making two cars out of the three, I get to keep the best one, sell the middle one and scrap the bits that are left. I still can't beleive my luck really.

*Not actually 'got it' yet, picking it up tomorrow (16/9/06)
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Sat 16 Sep 2006, 3:19, Reply)

I'd been out to the city with some friends, as it came to the end of the day they went off their way, and I went mine.
As I reached the bus stop I realised that I had about 50 minutes to wait til the next bus came along, 'never mind,' thinks I, 'I'll just have a wander to the next bus stop.' So off I go, however, I must have been deep in thought as I'd wandered quite some way when I began to realise that I didn't actually recognise where I was, and by now it was just beginning to get dark.

I continued a bit further and was noticing that this was not the right enviroment for a seventeen year old girl to be in by herself, it was at that point that the black range rover with blacked out windows pulled up beside me and then continued beside me at my pace.

I didn't know whether to cry or be sick, but fortunately I did neither and crossed over to the other side of the road -only to be followed by the range rover. A window slowly came down and a voice mumbled something containing the words "sexy babe" and "get in". I tried to ignore the vehice but it pulled in closer to the pavement and then the door opened.

It was at this moment that a police car drove up the road. It slowed down as it approached where I was, thus making the range rover door be closed and the car drive away. The police car drove off and I managed to get safely to my bus stop. Now that was bloodly good fortune.
( Fluffy elephants, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 2:08, Reply)

Yet another money in the street moment
I rarely have good luck, in fact amongst friends I'm famous for my misfortune. Although there are two incidents that stand out to me that were good fortune.

I'm working for a new employer that have basically recruited me on a pack of lie. My salary is less then half the agreed, and due to an 'administrative' error I was only receiving half of that per month. My motorbike then decided that this was the perfect time to stop functioning, and the garage decided that having parts for the bike despite being the only dealer in the area was a bad idea. So, I'm walking to work one day, very depressed and trying to grow the set of testicles required to jack in the job. It's very early and I still have a long walk before reaching the bus-stop. The road is deserted and there is no traffic whatsoever. It's blowing a gale from behind when this £20 note drifts gently past. I look around, and it's come from nowhere. With a smile on my face I continue, when the same thing happens again, except this time it's two £20 notes! With £60 quid in my pocket I'm all smiles when the same thing happens again. I ended up with over £100, which at the time meant the world to me. It paid for my bike to be repaired and I found another job soon after which I'm still in nearly 7 years later.

The 2nd was on a fruit machine. We were coming back on the Condor from Jersey, and I'd been watching my workmate jamming in pound coin after pound coin into the fruit machine. I've always had an irrational hatred of pound coins as we still have pound notes here. But I happen to have one on me and decide to get rid of it in a constructive manner. I pop in my coin and miss the jackpot by exactly one turn on each reel.... except I've been given 4 nudges. The money I won paid for a trip to France and bought me an iBook off of ebay. Let it be said that a rucksack full of pound coins weighs a lot more then you would expect it to!
( Kovacs Slogan free since 2003, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 1:50, Reply)

Workboresme
Don't sweat the G-Card interview, it's a piece of piss. You'll fly through.
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Sat 16 Sep 2006, 0:46, Reply)