"Cheer up, it might never happen"...



... is not what you want to hear the day before your wedding.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 0:24, Reply)

'Smile, it might never happen'
There are several responses to this, all involving withering stares.

'Too late, it already has.'
'I'm going to put flowers on a grave.'
'You're right, it won't.'
'And smiling is going to help if it does is it?'
'Would you like to see my scars?'
'The blood won't come off.'
'They always scream when they see the clown suit.'
Or my personal favourite: punching them in the face, slitting their throat and wanking into the wound before dumping the body in a thresher, followed by the witty reposte 'Pardon?'

Any advice given without knowing what the situation is is almost always useless.

As I type this it's midnight where my hands are and 2am where my bell end is.
(thePontificator, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 23:48, Reply)

sentinel
yesterday i'm doing some inane corporate induction course on the company intranet (large telecoms company), which has to be one of the most useless things i have ever done, as the only thing i'm learning is that everything i heard about corporate speak is true. One of the bits of company advise or whathaveyou is something along the lines of "be friendly and helpful to your co-workers, as this helps create an good working atmosphere and will maximise our potential". If that wasn't patronising enough, a little factoid box at the bottom of the page suggests "why not try being friendly and helpful outside of work, to your friends and family as well?" cheeky bloody...
(ewe, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 23:00, Reply)

I did a similar thing
to the question setter, walking home late one night I met coming the other way a foreign fellow who explained he was looking for a large industrial factory in the area. Fortunately I knew where it was, and even more fortunately was able to tell him he was going the wrong way and set him right. That was my good deed for the day,

til I got home and told my dad who pointed out I'd sent the poor chap 2 miles out of his way in the wrong direction down a dirt track in his HGV in the pitch dark :( The poor chap was on the right road until he met me.

ah well i tried
(gunken 100% better than tungsten, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 23:00, Reply)

Mmm... special dinner
My favourite-ever useless bit of advice was a serving suggestion complete with wine recommendation.

On the back of a (then about) 58p packet of supermarket brand chicken and mushroom packet-dried-pasta-in-sauce-just-add-water (and-a-bit-of-milk-and-butter-if-you-want-to-push-the-boat-out).

"Darling, have you dressed for dinner yet?"
"No, my love, I'm just giving the pasta-in-sauce a final stir."
"Gosh, that looks marvellous. However do you do it?"
(Hides pasta packet in manner of one concealing M&S ready meal boxes) "Oh - it's an old recipe of Grandmama's. Do have some of this wine, it's divine."

On second thoughts, maybe the wine recommendation was a hint that if you're really planning to eat this stuff you might as well get really *really* hammered first.
(cisco, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 22:32, Reply)

This may itself be useless advice - at least as far as Piers is concerned
I'm not some rich cnut, in fact i'm a very poor cnut but why not try and get the most out of every day?

I earn enough money to live on and a little bit extra but rather than saving it all for my retirement, house, car, etc I'd rather piss it up the wall doing the things I want to do...which is not working, taking drugs and travelling the world.

Who cares about the future, by the looks of things its pretty screwed anyway
(Inglorious, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 22:08, Reply)

At Glastonbury I saw a caution sign:
'Caution: Caution signs'
( The Helpful Bear, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 22:05, Reply)

My Dad always told me
and I would do anything for love. But I wont do that.


And then I taped over his Meatloaf video with the Scott and Charlene wedding.


I woke up in hospital and have been a wheelchair ever since.
(cupid stunt, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 21:33, Reply)

Live life
First post so be kind.

I hate people who say "live everyday like its your last". What a useless piece of advice if ever I heard anything.

What a sack of crap, are these people genuinely saying don't bothering considering anything that may have consequences tomorrow? Don't bother paying into that ISA in case you live don't long enough to buy that house, just blow, hey it might be your last day! Why not miss today at work, it might be your last day, why not go robbing old coffin dodgers walking down streets and blow it having a good time, you never know...it might be your last day.

Bollocks to the lot of them, fecking bunch of Rara twunt bar stewards. They're all probably wearing pink rugby shirts, with the collar up, that their Mummies bought for them. Iron cast numpty C units if ever there was an example of.

No particular feelings on the subject,

Apologies all round
(Neostenine's maker, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 21:26, Reply)

Fred-Fred (Names changed to protect anonymity)
'In 200 yards, turn left'


It's. A. Motorway. The next exit isn't for 15 miles!!


Length? Its definately not 200 yards...
( af632 now has an alibi for, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 21:16, Reply)

'Don't blink too much or you'll go blind.'
...eh?!
(and now for someone completely different, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 20:39, Reply)

First day of High School
"Just be yourself and everyone will love you"

I had no idea my mum thought I was a shallow airhead with no hopes above beauty college.
(kitnel it's probaby infectious, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 20:37, Reply)

I was indeed once told
'Smile, it might never happen!'

As the worst bereavement imaginable had just hit my family, and I and everyone close to me were still stumbling about in a haze of shock and grief, I think my riposte of 'It already has!' was quite witty.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 20:35, Reply)

Per Litre
Meny budget supermarkets now have little subscript prices under the total cost. For instance a pack of bog-roll will have a price in pence per sheet, undernaeth the price for the lot.

I found this to be odd as the mangement seem to go batshit insane if they catch you breaking open the coco pops to get the 50g you can afford*. But the other day I found tesco's advising me that a liter bottle of gin that cost £19.98 worked out at "£19.98 per liter"

I therefore balence out this with the good advice that making comedy spacker noises in you r local tescos** over this sort of thing is not the best way to draw ateention to your self.

*as proved in scientifc double blind experiments

**this happened in hull, the locals thought iwas trying to converse in thier language. how embarrasing for
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 20:18, Reply)

Trapped in an elevator
When trapped in an elevator between floors at work a couple of years ago, the building's aged caretaker shouted reassuring messages of hope to the pair of us stuck inside, then told us he was going to the basement to check the control panels (or something).

"Don't go anywhere!" he advised us.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 20:05, Reply)

But it would just go to waste there!

(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 20:03, Reply)

Haddock and chips twice please...
When we were 15 or so and cherry-popping was beginning to sound inviting, a friend of mine was told by her mother:

"Don't bother having sex. Once you've done it once you'll wish you'd had fish and chips instead."

*pop*
(littlemsbroccoli, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 19:19, Reply)

I used to look after dotty old pensioners.
They had industrial-grade senility. One told me, 'Never smell of wee. My mother always used to say that. Never smell of wee. And I never have.'

Good advice. We should all listen to Doris's mother.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 19:16, Reply)

All credit to my friend Richard for this...
Signs on pub doors or shops that read

"No dogs allowed, except guide dogs"

Now who reads that, the blind man or the guide dog?
(Bellamy's Enemy, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 18:48, Reply)

Conkers keep spiders away apparently.
Told this one by some old bloke in work. I have a conker tree out the back, so I stuck a few in the place (situated about in a few rooms).

1 fucking night a 2 inch daddy longlegs sets up lodge directly over a conker in the hall. A week later I hoover the cunt out of sheer boredom.

I showed my appreciation by pelting him with conkers a week later...they hurt him too :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 18:43, Reply)

NUTS?
On a packet of cashew nuts...be aware this product may contain nuts... Fuck it, really?
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 18:42, Reply)

Clean your plate, think of the starving in Africa
33 years and 18 stone (250 pounds) later, I'm thinking perhaps that isn't so much good advice after all. Thanks Mum!
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 18:21, Reply)

from a lady magazine
'keep the packaging from the next box of headache pills you buy. You can use each pill tray to store pieces of chewing gum you have finsiehd with, and when all 8 pill slots have chewing gum in, you can throw the whole lot away'
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 17:48, Reply)

Don't google for google,
or the whole world will explode.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Fri 20 Oct 2006, 17:30, Reply)

I've lost something......
WELL WHERE DID YOU SEE IT LAST?

Is the standard reply - mainly from my parents who weren't listening anyway...or smart arses who clinically and anally have every fucking thinG in their lives tagged, catalogued, classified and in order.....

IF I KNEW WHERE I SAW IT LAST I'D FUCKING HAVE IT IN MY FUCKING HAND TO EMBED IT IN YOUR SMUG CALLOUS FACE!

NOW LOOK AT MY COCK - IT'S IMMENSE!
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:50, Reply)

If you've reached Palace Gate you've gone too far...
Although in hindsight I've realised that the road you are looking for is the one after Palace Gate. Sorry old jewish woman looking for the Kensington Temple.

However, she could have been al-qaeda operative, and I've just saved lots of people. Which is what I like to think...

Can't think of a knob joke, but I'm an idiot who linked to my own site in the context of "knob joke" :)
(A*D, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:48, Reply)

marriage counselling
corking advice on how to woo the laydees from my friend's dad:

him "never take em anywhere, never give em anything, never tell them they look nice"
me "so you were married 3 times mr castle?"
(chives, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:46, Reply)

No Arse
Mrs Catchag has some head spinning pearls of wisdom to impart;


"NEVER TRUST A MAN WITHOUT AN ARSE!" - is still my fave, apparantly it's true as well.


You slap your spam banjo whilst I think up a cock joke!
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:40, Reply)

nan and grandad
i was a sickly, feverish child. Any cold i caught often turned into fever and soon deliriousness. Many time with mad ravings about having to wash planes.....

anyway, N&G were carin for me one day while me mom was at work. I had a fever but was convinced i was cold. N&G said if i feel cold i should wrap up and get in bed. i tried to convince them i "get" this way and should cool down. But this fell on deafening ears and to bed i went.

mom came home two hours later where she found off my face with bacteria communing with god* and dumped me in an ice bath to avoid a trip to the hospital.

*may have been pixies - not sure - couldnt actually remember my name, age, location, spiritual leanings at the time. Apparently i was good at speaking in tounge-ish though....
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Burns
In Poland, they say you should touch your earlobe if you get burned.

My wife is Polish. We were watching a program about a woman whose face burned off in a car crash and who had to have a face transplant.

Quick as a flash, I said, "She should have touched her ear, shouldn't she?"

"Kretyn," she answered.
(frankspencer, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:31, Reply)