A Tale Of The Unexpected
that takes place in a medium-sized commercial vehicle could be considered to be a van-Dahlism.
(roysin, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 20:55, 1 reply)

Open Day Display
Around 10 years ago and enjoying the usual drunken lifestyle that is first year of uni, my friends and I arrive back at the student halls in the early hours. A plan emerges that can be borne of nothing other than the beer riddled, immature minds of a bunch of students.

After some careful manuipulation of the hall's bathroom fittings, we huddle in my room armed with a couple of industrial sized toilet rolls. These, combined with the wash basin provided within my room, formed our deadly ammuntion (did anyone else use the name "Sweaty Betty" to refer to wet handfuls of bog roll, or is it a local thing??!).

The throwing commences, and it's only in the sober light of the following morning that we realised just how many we threw. It's also now clear that only a small few of the rooms in the halls would allow the vantage point to cause such a spread of the summertime snowballs.

The hall's manager hastily arranged such an identity parade for a grilling and amazingly nobody cracked and confessed. She was particularly pissed though, because that very morning several colleges had sent potential future students there for an open day and a lot of time had previously been spent making the place look as presentable as possible - turd polishing, you'd agree if you've ever had the misfortune to visit there (Lovaine Halls at Nortumbria Uni).

Anyway, presenting.....

(botrash, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 20:52, 2 replies)

Oldy but goody
There are some signposts with arrows in my home town, directing visitors to: 'Shops & Town Centre', 'Library' and most recently: 'Ur Mum'.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 20:40, Reply)

I should be ashamed.
I was staying in Haad Rin on sunny Koh pangan with a mate when the people in the bungalow next to us started making shit loads of noise at around four in the morning. It was obvious a mate had just turned up who they hadn't seen in ages, and thinking that sleep was a thing of the past for the rest of the night, we decided to head out on our bikes.

After an hour or so of aimlessly riding around I suggested we head to Domsila viewpoint. I'm sure a few of you have been there, but for those that haven't, you park up your bike, walk half way up a mountain through some rain forest and for your efforts reach a little rocky plateau with a wooden platform and amazing views of half the island. It really is quite something.

So we were sat on the viewpoint, the early morning sun had just come up, the birds were singing in the jungle, a really really good moment in my life. I sparked up a spliff, and started telling my mate about the time I had had a wank up there for no other reason than half the island could see me, then a plan was hatched.

In short we wanked into some Thai Air sick bags, then wrote about what we had done on the floor, left the cum filled sick bags next to our graffiti and buggered off safe in the knowledge that every backpacker that went up there that day would be throughly disgusted.

Here's a picture.

Notice we signed our names. I pointed out to my mate that every farang we met for the rest of our time on the island would probably have seen our handy work, and we should change our names. We settled on Bernard and Trevor.

As you can see from the date, the next day was Star Wars day. We were out celebrating- we had had a cake made and everything- when we got chatting to a couple of nice Scouse girls. Things were going well and I had started to think that with a bit more effort we might be in. At that point I realised I didn't have a pen. Feeling a bit panicky- I hate not having a pen, what if I want to write something down?- I headed out to buy one.

When I returned- all smiles and brandishing my shiny new pen- I was met with cold steely glares and looks of disgust. I asked my mate what had happened. In my absence, the girls had asked what our names were, to which he had replied, ' I'm Hooch and my mate is Tom'.

Bugger.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 20:31, Reply)

more proposed vandalisim realy
and the credit goes to my brother Jake-of-all-Trades for thinking it up
But I live in New York, and there are lots of 'Please curb your dog, ITS THE LAW' signs.
Every time i see one I long to write 'stomp' right before 'your dog.'
ITS THE LAW!

And then draw a cat with a Hitler tash.

I'll get around t it someday
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 20:04, Reply)

Found this at the end of my road the other day.
Someone had smashed all the windows of the Natwest and chucked paint all over it. Not entirely sure what it was meant to achieve....

(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 19:47, 1 reply)

In my home town of Sunny Sthelens
I found a rather accurate act of vandalism that simply stated:

'Sthelens is shit'
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 19:35, Reply)

Hendon
Not mine but seen on a road sign in Hendon.

"Golders Green - 2.5 Miles"

Underneath some wag had written "to you my boy, 2"
(Speshal, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 18:50, Reply)

Whilst working for the mortgage completion department of a building society I changed someone's address from 'Badger's Copse' to 'Badger's Corpse'
I was going to pretend it was an honest mistake but nobody seemed to notice in the end.
( Zuowan, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 18:27, Reply)

Working in a certain music & film shop...
...(the one with the dog looking at the gramaphone) during my college years, I was briefly in charge of the DVD section of the store. I changed the 'Winnie the Pooh' header card to 'We Need a Poo', for no reason other than I thought it was funny.
Turns out the store manager thought otherwise.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 18:19, 1 reply)

Addendum

Back in my pre-car days I used to have to get a bus home from University, most of the time I got it from a Bus Stop outside a disused bank.

The pale bricks of the bank had become a blank canvas for some mild felt tip pen-based graffiti; mainly 13 year olds declaring their love for the delinquent fathers of their pasty-fed babies .

One brick read something like:

Cheyrl
'n
Donna
'n
Chelsea


One black penned scamp, had added a little postscript, so it now read:

Cheyrl
'n
Donna
'n
Chelsea
are rats

Not sure how accurate the info was, but round here, it was probably spot-on!
(SpongeGavShitPants, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 18:16, Reply)

Busted in Biology
Back in 4th form, I took advantage of my seating position at the back of the biology lab to scratch a caricature of my biology teacher E.J. on the side of the wooden desk, which turned out rather well, I thought at the time. Schoolboy error, I forgot that he passed by that desk on his way to and from his office at the end of the lab, and he only took four classes, of which only two were large enough to have students sitting where I sat.

So, at the next biology class, I was confronted with the indisputable evidence, issued with a square of sandpaper and told to remove my artwork in the afternoon. I was then renamed 'Leonardo' for the next two and a half years of my time in his class. Every time I entered the lab and saw the lighter wood square where I had sanded off my masterpiece, I smiled.

Postscript: I saw my old biology teacher a couple of years back, some fifteen years after I had left school, and he still greeted me as Leonardo.
(madoda, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 15:54, Reply)

"Wanker and Wanker" reminded me
... Of the time that a couple of mates and I found an old menu board in the store room of the bingo club we were currently employed at. One of those black plastic things with dirty white letters that you pressed into it to tell hungry customers about the shit food they could buy.
The bingo hall kitchen had one of these already, with access to all the letters anyone could require, which they displayed next to the till for the bingo addicts who couldn't bear to go home to eat in case they missed something. But the one we found had only a few scattered vowels and consonants left on it. We contrived the best menu we could with the letters available (it was a matter of the challenge) and secretly swapped it for the "real" one.
It proudly announced the culinary delights of
"Glenn's Nasty Surprise"
"Arse Butties" and
"Rat Pie and Chips"

It took a day and a half for anyone to point it out. ;)
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

A famous (and probably apocryphal) story from Cambridge
King's College chapel has a high tower and one night, some cleverclogs scaled it and painted a big clock on the front (yes - a clock).

The fun part of the story is that they did it so well, no one noticed for several weeks until one of the porters looked up and happened to notice it had 'stopped'.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 14:40, 3 replies)

Local flower shop 'The Buttonhole' really should have thought through their name choice
Two letters went missing from their sign almost instantly.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 14:36, 1 reply)

Always makes me giggle...
A little while ago I was driving through the charming Fenland town of Wisbech (through is the best way, for fuck's sake don't stop). On the outskirts was a burned out stolen car, on the side of which someone had written "Welcome to Wisbech".

Summed the place up really.
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 14:24, Reply)

Almost on-topic
In a Starbucks recently, I was handing my card over to the girl at the till when I noticed that her colleague was busily drawing a b3ta-style cock and balls on the back of a receipt.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Classic cock
In sixth form a chum and I decided it would be jolly to draw a big cock and balls on the carpet of the sixth form block, in lighter fluid, and then light it. Hey presto, hilarious flaming wang. Alas, it was so large that when we tried to stamp it out, it just relit from the flames around. Eventually the flames were doused, but the resultant scortched genitalia was still visible until I left. 20 years on, I'm still proud of this.
(TallJim, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 13:45, 1 reply)

There were a couple of crudely sprayed statements on the wall near where I used to work in Islington...
"Fuck our mum" makes me smile and my brain hurt simultaneously.

"Physco" just makes me smile. So near, and yet so far :D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 12:31, 1 reply)

Health Department Letter
I was on a youth camp once.

We faked a letter from the health department. We considered the letter to be amateurish and childish and no-one would believe it. Complete with a ridiculous disease with an equally ridiculous name.

But someone got food poisoning and 2 + 2 rapidly added up to 6 or maybe 7 and a bunch of people called the health dept regarding the letter and rushed to hospital. Lots of mayhem considering how lame we thought our amusing letter was. We went to ground when efforts turned to the origin of the letter.
(xixax, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Only in Norfolk
Log Stratton is a bit of shit small town on the A140, scene of many a traffic jam.

One inspired local defaced the town entry sign and now it shall forever be known to me as

Long Strappon

Length? About 1.2 miles for end to end.
(Biff..., Sun 10 Oct 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Vandalism
Many years ago I used to commute by train into the city, and a bit of graffiti used to give me a chuckle.

Some wag had painted on a station wall;
"God hates homos"
to which some wit had added
"Yes, but he loves tabouli"
Still cracks me up.
(Firemansam, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 10:33, 1 reply)

Smesh
I vividly remember seeing two masterpieces on a regular basis throughout childhood. Both these gems were in Clay Cross, Chesterfield.

The first was the massive MANDY IS A SLAG, which was daubed on the side of the Fine Fare/Gateway "supermarket". It was clearly visible to all when walking or driving down Eyre Street. Christ knows why it wasn't cleaned up sooner.

The second was the considerably smaller SMESH, which was written on a brick at the corner of the building near the entrance to Sharley Park Leisure Centre.

Oh, and I've just recalled another one I remember from when I was about eight and we were visiting relatives in Bradford: LESBIAN MOTHERS ARE NOT PRETEND, which was written on either a motorway flyover or a footbridge, possibly along the A650 through East Ardsley.
(Dinting Arches, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 9:02, Reply)

Last Christmas
I gave, not my heart, but another gift to the village where I live.

For, upon the failure of an attempt by me and 3 friends to adorn the local bowling green with some lovely snow-angels at each corner (the snow had become icy and difficult to make angels in) my friends became disillusioned. Not I, however.

Being a b3tan of many years, I am sure it will not take long for you, my fellows, to fathom the intricate design which I trudged out in the untouched, glistening snow. No, I feel certain that all I have to mention is that it was at least 30 feet long and had the regulation 3 hairs per ball.

The best part is, though, my friend wandered past the green the next day to see two old gentlemen shaking their heads angrily at the monstrosity befouling their playing surface.

I was well over 30 years old at the time, and am still very proud.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 5:02, 3 replies)

I spent an hour at my mates house trying to smash his Greenhouse!
I truly did, the shameful part of this is that I was only three months younger than I am now!

I was playing ball with one of his dogs, throwing a football up the garden for his very playful and cuddly Black Lab. He kept laughing at my poor hand eye co-ordination and inability to throw more than a few feet. So taking careful aim, I informed him that the next ball was going through his green house! The ball took to the air and arced across the lawn, to land with a splat in the dog toilet!

Had I actually hit the greenhouse I think that I would have been mortified, if only a little bit proud. I think he egged me on knowing how pathetically inept I am. The dog returned the freshly "flavoured" ball and dropped against my leg. I looked down, hoping that the stain was mud.

The closest I got was about six feet away, this would not be so bad if he had a big garden. I admit, I am lame and throw like a girl, especially when the ball has recently splashed through a fresh dog's egg!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 0:21, Reply)

The day after
When I was about sixteen I had my birthday party in the small little village I lived in. After watching a boring movie we decided to go out on a walk in the village. The dull village with not much to do. So to amuse ourselves we turned to petty vandalism. Rolling down a sun curtain from a shop, turning upside down a concrete flower basket on the street. Little rascals that we were.

Next morning I went to the shops with my mother. She saw the results of our little vandal spree and ofcourse she dissaproved. "Who would do such a thing!" Like the little hypocrite I was I could only agree: "Terrible, yes, really terrible, I would never do that mum." I still feel a little ashamed. My life is boring, I know.
( kingjay umpfh, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 23:37, Reply)

Written on a derelict social centre (I think) near the shop on Marfleet Lane, Hull - 1988?
When she was a little girl,
She had a dainty quim.
If she tried very hard,
She could fit her finger in.
Now she's nearly sixteen,
Her quim has lost its charm.
Now she drops in her finger,
And half her fucking arm.

(edit: NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A) Fantastic example of the Iambic Pentameter, I must say.
(Klangtarnflatchslapper looks just like a Telefunken U-47, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 22:01, 4 replies)

Saw this one a few years back
written on the cubicle wall at the Membury services

Stardate 2436.8
Beamed down for a shit.
Spock

It made me laugh.
I also have a habit of when someone at work pisses me off, I will write their mobile number on the wall of random toilets along with the promise of watersports and submissive acts. They then recieve 'interesting' calls and texts.
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 21:30, 7 replies)

you know those leaflets in doctors waiting rooms?
there's usually a few sorts,the one about diabetes, the myriad of anti-smoking ones, the ones for charities etc.
I was looking through them once and found one for those red emergency pendants for old people to wear round their necks to press if they fall over.
Inside amongst the text were various pictures of old people that had fallen over and were presumably going to be OK cos they each had a pendant. The one that made me laugh very loudly and innapropriately was the one of an old lady that had been graffitied to make it look like she was noshing ecstatically on a big veiny cock.
I had to go outside for a bit to recover.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 21:07, Reply)