Of Scousers and blue teddy bears
This still haunts me to this day, it happened when I was at uni. As tends to happen in the first few weeks, the people you're initially closest to are the ones that live in the same block of halls who are on the same course. This meant my immediate circle of friends were a couple of girls from London, a Geordie and a Scouse lad, all of us medics.

Fast forward a few weeks and we're all still pretty close friends having found out we have much more in common than just locality and course. The usual drunken and stoned late nights occur and the conversation unsurprisingly turns to sex. After failing miserably to convince the girls I had only recently lost my virginity, Scouse (yes, we were very original with the nicknames), mentioned that he was asexual, that he neither fancied men or women and sex didn't interest him. Much questioning followed as to how someone could not be interested in sex but he was adamant that he wasn't so we left it at that.

About two weeks later, the five of us had arranged to go out for a meal and we were walking to Scouse's room to pick him up as he was the last one before you turned out of the block. Without knocking, I opened the door to his room to find him lying on his back on the bed, fucking a giant blue teddy up a torn hole for an arsehole. I still haven't decided if it made it better or worse he was wearing a rubber, I guess safe teddy sex is still important.

Why he never locked the door we'll never know but we certainly knew why he didn't fancy men or women, they clearly didn't have enough polyester stuffing for him. Needless to say we didn't see much of Scouse from then on. Be warned, this guy is an ENT doctor (SHO) working in a hospital somewhere near you.
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 14:07, 2 replies)

If you go down to the woods today .......
I was out cycling one Sunday morning with a couple of my mates when we came across ... (a phrase which here means "encountered") a candid photo shoot ... and a professional one at that ! A party of about a dozen; photographers, lighting guys, probably camera techs etc. and two gorgeous naked chicks draped over a large capacity Japanese motorcycle. So probably for Superbike or some such.

They were downwind of us and all being intent on the task in hand didn't hear our stealthy approach.

Unfortunately when they eventually did realise we were there they quickly threw a couple of coats coats over the babes. Too late though. As they say, you can't unring a bell.

Poor things ! They must have been shy.
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Lesbian lawnmowing.
One day I noticed my dad was having more than his usual one or two showers and spending rather longer than usual in the bathroom. I investigated after he'd finished his 4th shower, 5 minutes after the 3rd one.

The shower had'nt even been used. Curious.

Turns out the unappealing lesbian next door was mowing the lawn wearing only a vest and no knickers and repeatedly bending over to unclog the grass box (no pun intended).

There was a perfect view of her vile snatch everytime she went over from our bathroom window. Dad, you dirty bastard.

I won't even go into when they sunbathed topless or had semi-nude aerobics lessons in their backgarden.
(chakaflange, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Poke 'er?
Small gang of us sitting in a mate's house a few years ago, enjoying a quiet beer, decent music, good company and a few games of poker.

The odd girl who lived opposite spent at least an hour standing at her window staring across the street at us like we were the last straight jacket in the hospital before conversation moved onto her, or more accurately "Ste, what the fuck does that crazed bitch want?".

Upon postponing of our game and general shifting of interest, she waved what can only be described as a 2 lb Monster Kong dildo at us.

We closed the curtains at this point. Brrrr.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:22, Reply)

Teacher?
Couple or three years ago, about 30 kids from my school all go off on a trip to Longtown. This place is like an activity centre, with hiking, caving and canoeing. We did all this in the first 4 days, and on the last day before we went home they let us go out to the local swimming pool. All was well until we got into the communal changing room.
Who do I find myself standing next to? The oldest, most indimidating and only male teacher on the trip. There I am in the corner, with my towel wrapped round me, trying to discreetly remove my underwear and replace it with my swimshorts.
All sorted now, just need to put all my kit in the lockers. Turn round to check which coins the lockers accept.
"Sir, do these lockers accept 20 pence pie-eeeenis!"
There is was, just hanging there, as he glanced over towards me. Being about 15 this instantly destroyed me inside.
So I turned bright red, looked away and didn't speak to him for the rest of the trip.
Mentioned it to my mates, who still take the piss that I'd seen Mr Ashby's cock.

Length? Let's just say I didn't find him intimidating anymore..
(roband dropped the screw in the tuna, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:16, Reply)

When I was a lad
a crowd of us was visiting a mate's house, when I needed to go for a dump. So in I went to the bathroom, dropped the kids at the pool, did the paperwork, washed my hands and emerged again, to be met at the door by another one of my mates, who'd been looking through the keyhole.

His comment on seeing me?

"That was great!"

Great? How can peeping through a keyhole at one of your mates having a shit be great? Unless you're some sort of scatological homosexual pervert...hmm.

Fortunately I have fallen out of touch with him in the last 20 years. Phew!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:04, Reply)

In the pub?
I was having a quiet bevvie one evening in a boozer in Brixton with a chum when this couple in the back garden started getting jiggy. Within moments the lass was lying on the bench seat of the table they were sat at and the feller was at it before our very eyes. (And everyone else in the pub garden, of whom there must have been a dozen at least.) They were somewhat fast and the 'display' only lasted a few minutes, but was unmistakable, especially from the amount of pleasure they both got from it.
My chum noted that Dee-Lite (disco porn band younger readers) were playing down the road and many of the pub clientelle that night were clearly part of the audience. A few 'E's may have been taken that night as well.
Certainly the most public I've ever seen.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 12:53, Reply)

Mr Whippy
Whilst in my final year at college I was walking down an alleyway to my street on the way home at about 3am. With me were 3 mates. Upon going round a corner, there's a lady stood against the fence smoking a fag chatting to her mate. Her mate was squatted down, knickers in hand having what we thought was a piss, full on beaver shot to us putting a frothy head on it. It was only when we had strolled by wishing the delightful ladies a fine evening, and glanced back that we realised she was actually coiling one out. Like a babies arm it was. We watched where we stepped getting the milk and paper in the morning.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 12:53, Reply)

How about B3ta voyeurism?


My boss has recently been given the bullet for general dodginess and being a bit crap. He rang me at the weekend and said that he had been under investigation for some time by the big nobs and that I should watch my back. He then told me:

“Oh, and try and stay off B3ta quite so much, I used to watch you on that site all day”

Rumbled….and I thought I was being so crafty.


I never saw his cock though...and am quite happy about that.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 16 Oct 2007, 11:31, 2 replies)

I too saw my bosses cock
We were on a "teambuilding excercise" looking for a stripshow. He bargained a show at a brothel with some ugly bird. She stripped, then pulled him on stage, dropped his pants and started blowing him with clear intent to fuck him in our presence.
thats when it dawned on me that the bastard had arranged for us to pay and watch him get laid.

lucky for us he couldn't get it up. in fact, it went up, then down again and then up again. waving at us like an upside down miniature pendulum in what seemed like a few hours, but was only a few seconds really.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Brighton...
Home to a sizeable portion of indie kids, quite a few gay peeps and chavs. Weirdly, the chavvy areas are kind of contained by the geography of the place, apart from the town centre where there's a particular concentration that's unavoidable on the way home...

So, we're walking through the bus station when we chance upon a rutting couple. I say chance upon, they were in a clear perspex bus shelter, under a lamp post. It was like they were on stage...

The bit that really galls me is that we hurried past as quick as possible... should have snuck up behind the male and pinged his boxers while his trousers were down....
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 16 Oct 2007, 11:20, Reply)

I was on the train on the way home from work many years ago...
...the 17:54 from Euston to Birmingham New Street, probably.

As usual, most of the passengers got off at Milton Keynes, so this night I found myself sharing a carriage with a Mother and Daughter, a couple of seats forward and over the aisle from me.

Over the top of my book I happened to notice that they were looking at photos, passing them backwards and forwards and critiquing them. A slightly more intensive examination revealed that they were topless photos of the daughter, who it has to be said, had a very nice pair of norks.

I like to think she had been to some sort of audition or photoshoot for page 3 or something like that - unfortunately, I couldn't tell you if she was (then or now) a famous model, as I don't recall looking at her face...

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 11:17, Reply)

what!?
You have to be joking!!

"the air was sticky like cum"

"I felt like a peasant confronted by the lady of the manor on horseback"

It reminds me of Pauline Calf. "an 'e danced like Patrick Swayze..."
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 11:15, 3 replies)

Just remembered this one...
I was walking the dogs with my brother one night over the summer. It was a pleasant, almost balmy summer evening (one of the handful we got this year) yet it was marred by something that will forever be burned onto my retinas.

Walking across the common, we encountered a group of chavs (like you do). Said group was drinking, several large primary-coloured bottles were clearly visible. As we approached, we heard that things got a little heated, there was some female shouting and some pushing, then it simmered down and peace returned, and the group started walking away.

They left behind one girl. This girl was clearly inhebriated, and looked like she was struggling to get up. She spent an awfully long time in what I later labelled the 'invisible motorbike', namely hands out in front, crouched down, like you'd ride a sports bike. I thought 'ah, she's wasted. She appears to be wearing flesh-coloured shorts. How peculiar.' Then it dawned on both my brother and I that she wasn't wearing shorts at all. Her trousers and pants were around her ankles and she was crouching having a piss. By the time we worked out what happened, we'd seen too much.

It was topped off by her friend, also clearly several sheets to the wind, staggering out of a bush, seeing us and uttering 'she's mental, innit!'. Pure Class.
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Tue 16 Oct 2007, 11:14, Reply)

i just saw my boss' cock
(the ugly old one, not the hot one i've lusted after since i joined, isn't it always the way)...

after a 4am finish last night and a lousy traffic filled journey into work, i staggered into the ladies on the way in to splash my face with cold water. i don't know why i thought this would substitute for 8 hours sleep and a chanel makeover, but i did.

only i was so busy daydreaming about last night's events and generally bumbling around that i walked straight into the gents next door. hell. there was just this horrendous moment when his head whipped round as he saw me in the mirror and our eyes met over his hairy grey cock. even the stream of piss froze in mid air.

i have a meeting with him in 20 mins. what the fuck am i going to say/do/look at?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 10:33, 12 replies)

Animals galore
one day the missus and I are at the beach. I am lying on my back, hands behind my head getting some of the best oral action to date.
As i cum, literally at that point, she screams.
I thought I came in her eye or something. "what?"I ask.

She's still giddy and points to a crab that snuck up on us. She hates crabs and it completely ruined the moment altogether.

fecking voyeur crustation, life is clearly NOT better under da sea..
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 10:19, Reply)

Back In The Day (The continuous and evermore stupid misadventures of pooflake part 2)
A couple of years had passed since part 1 of this post. I had a new g/f: a sweet, cumly lass of wealthy parentage, the type of which you would feel happy taking home to meet your mother. We were in the early throes of what would turn out to be quite a decent length relationship as I recall and things were purring along.

Now the difference with this coupling is that we were both now ‘experienced’. Gone were the days of ‘dabbling’ frantically here and there; we had each chalked up an impressive back-catalogue of previous conquests and were both pretty damn confident in what we were doing. To paraphrase Blackadder:

“Belts off, trousers down, isn’t life a scream. Hurrah”

The band was due to play a pub called the Golden Cross in Coventry. A delightfully dark and scummy shithole, full of ropey student dregs, with sweat and god-knows-what permanently trickling down the walls. Brilliant.

Unfortunately, this place is slap bang in the middle of the ‘olde worlde’ cathedral part of town, on a corner by a bit of a clearing. Parking was always an issue here at the best of times, and with multiple cars / vans crammed with band equipment to hump about, we could be on the arse-end of a logistical ball-ache of monumental proportions. So I decided I would go to the pub in the daytime, the day before, to check out the potential parking scenario. My new beau came along for the ride…wasn’t that nice?

Here's the thing...

You know, with pretty much anybody, when frolicking and frivolity is afoot, there is usually some sort of alert, a ‘heads up’ if you will. The conversation takes a certain turn…sometimes even an alluring glance can send the alarm bells ringing that you’re soon going to be ‘gettin it’. Kind of 'foreplay before foreplay'

Not this time.

Chugging merrily down the A45 in my little Rover 213, after a brief silent lapse in an otherwise ordinary conversation, and without so much as a ‘by your leave’, she puts her head in my lap and goes down on me…in an enthusiastic fashion.

Me: 'What the....? Yikes!.....mmmmmm'

It was such a shock that I didn’t even have wood at the start. Lil’ Pooflake could not have been a particularly impressive sight, but god love her, she persevered and within a few short moments I was standing so proud I could have taken an eye out (please forgive blatant self promotion for artistic purposes).

I weighed up the situation. We were still some way from the pub at this point, on a dual carriageway doing 60+mph and she was an expert in this particular field. I was supremely comfortable that I would be well spent by the time we reached any kind of public area…time to enjoy it...this won't take long...right?


WRONG


What a time to be struck down with a severe case of ‘stamina’. Typical.

When I'm in a bedroom , she’s on all fours doing the dirty talk and I want it to last for yonks, then I turn into a ‘2-push Charlie’; but when I'm getting the nosh in a comfortable 15 minute window of opportunity, I suddenly decide I could get blown for England if it became an olympic event.

Fucksocks.

On and on we continue…until we approach the middle of town, having already driven through enough populated areas to qualify for the QOTW 10 times over, I suddenly get the ‘call of the wild’…and for our mutual safety I have to find somewhere to stop the car.

The clearing by the pub was completely deserted. Result! I parked by a building and did my customary ‘quick check around’. Nothing. Get in there. Let’s finish off.

(I even knew that this young lady was a ‘swallower’ and so didn’t even have to worry about any jism-related stainage to myself or car. Ooooh yeah…)

A few more moments pass by and I lean my head back on the car seat, preparing to catapult my cock-cack. If this was my dad’s car I would be looking at the car roof at this point…

But this was my car, and I found myself looking up through the sunroof at the dozens of people in the offices above who had a perfect aerial view of the last 5 minutes of my sucking off, and were applauding my vinegar strokes with gusto.

I thought fast and had a quick check around again…there weren’t any children around or anybody who seemed to be shocked, so without my g/f realising, I gave them a nice nod, wink and a ‘thumbs up’ and let her finish me off before driving away contented.

(Forgot to look for a parking space though.)

Length? About 500 yards away from the pub on the night…and that’s fucking miles when you’re pissed and have to carry 2 amplifiers and half a drum kit.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 16 Oct 2007, 10:16, Reply)

Ben, the two of us need look no more....
Whilst enjoying some grown up fun with a friend I glanced up to notice that we were being spied on by Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, this being my pet rat, who had a knack of squeezing himself through the bars of his cage and escaping. No sooner had I made eye contact with Ole that he jumped onto my partner's back, and I had to cover by trying to make tiny rat-like scratches myself so that he didn't rear up and catapult Ole across the room. Luckily he seemed to like it and Ole soon got bored and got back inside the cage.

Length? About 9 inches with the tail.
(doubles, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 10:09, Reply)

hmmm
well i walked in on my brother plowing his misses one day only to find it wasnt his misses it was his misses sister ...


... god i had fun with the blackmail on that lol

p.s * edit * length bout 2 years till they split up
(free scooby !! bad grammar an spelling since 1985, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 9:28, Reply)

My friend Martin was training to be a church minister
and sharing a flat above the church with a couple of others of the same persuasion. One morning a bloke called Paul is taking a long, long time in the shower, so Martin, waiting outside wrapped in a towel, lobs some cold water over the cubicle door. Paul goes mental and starts chasing Martin around to flick him with a towel (of course at some point Marty loses his towel).

At some point, Martin hides behind the curtains in the front room. Then he realises something and looks round. O adouble decker bus was just outside, and lots of people were looking on, rather shocked at the appearance of a mans bum in the upstairs windows of a well known church.

Length? I dont think they saw that bit...
(teasus likes tea, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 8:44, Reply)

Bus Stop
Cycling home late one night, the right hand pedal suddenly fell off due to a stripped thread. Progress from here on was slow and erratic: whilst I could freewheel downhill and just about pedal one footed on the flat, going uphill meant getting off and pushing!

It was because of this that I was pushing my bike on the pavement between two bus shelters facing each other on a triangular traffic island. There were three chavvy types at the bus stop - I girl and two yoofs. The girl was giving chav 1 a blow job whilst chav 2 looked on. As I approached chav girl altered her position slightly as if to give the appearance of I'm not really doing this" to the world. Chav 1 didn't seem to be getting a lot of excitement from the oral administrations of chav girl and it didn't seem that chav 2 was eager and impatient for his turn. In fact they all seemed pretty bored and unenthusiastic with the procedings!

I was pretty bored watching them too, so I wheeled my bike off into the dark night...
( Vambo, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 7:22, Reply)

In the park
A bit of a repost from one of my other QOTW answers, but it seems so fitting.

We were young, we were in love.
We'd both lost our virginity to eachother and since then had been like two fucking machines going at it for months. Memories.
Anytime, anyplace was normally good enough. If we could smoke a big doofer before and after, all the better.
We done it in all sorts of public places, usually late at night or out of the way somewhere. Both of us living with parents made anywhere seem a good place to do it!
This day we'd gone over to the park after a couple of shandies and way too much weed (I think this was also the first day I ever smoked skunk).
We'd gone into the bushes to find some little out of the way spot and found a nice little area under a tree. We started snogging and groping eachother until we were on the floor starting to rip at eachothers clothes. She pulled out my cock and started to give me a blow job. I lay back to enjoy it with my hands up under my head (in classic style). On hearing a discreet cough, I looked to my right hand side to see a family eating a picnic. They were all staring at us in shock and the father was trying to cover his childens eyes who were fighting back so they could stare at my cock.
I nonchalontly tapped my gf on the head and made a 'lets go' motion with my thumb and we slinked away.
My gf hadn't even seen them.
(EvilMeister, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 0:01, 1 reply)

uni housing...
can be a bit of a danger area. I live in a perfectly nice student bungalow just off campus, but because we're a load of unorganised buggers we haven't ordered our curtains yet. My room is at the front of the house and I always get the feeling I'm being watched despite a big old dustsheet covering the window.....

ah well, it's probably just the ghosts....
(GlowingRoses, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 23:44, Reply)

I just watched someone crack one out whilst reading the letters page from 'Razzle'.
They then posted their favourite tales as their own in QOTW, only spelt wrong.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 22:51, 1 reply)

old father thames
walking along the thames at windsor one day many yrs ago. i was on the edge and feeding some ducks with bread as i went along.
just then a cabin cruiser came past (the sort that cost more than my house, even now).
through the window i saw a lady washing up/cooking, topless! she had tits like pumpkins.
i walked straight off the edge into the feckin water!
length? 215 miles. depth? about 6ft. me? less than 6 ft.
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Mon 15 Oct 2007, 20:35, Reply)

work
i just had a threesome with my boss and my best mate and watched her fuck him. best night ever.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Mon 15 Oct 2007, 19:02, 9 replies)

Friends
So every few months me and my friends will meet up and get a bit drunk and my friend Jess' house.

Usually, her and her boyfriend will sleep in her bed and the rest of us would sleep on the sofa or on a fold up bed thing.
But one night, Jess decided that I would join her and her boyfriend in her bed. I didn't mind, me and her boyfriend had become good friends and we were all a good group.

After having a lengthy chat about our turn-ons and fantasies, we said drunken goodnights.

I'll explain now that I was sleeping on the edge of the bed, Jess in the middle and her boyfriend on the other side.

After a while they started kissing, which didn't really bother me. While this happened, the boyfriend reached out and started stroking my face. I reached up and held his hand. Jess started giving him head. I was witness to it.

I held my best friends boyfriends hand while she gave him head.

Apologies for this turning out NOT to be about a threesome.
( Lollylegs lite, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 18:15, 3 replies)