Best friends pervy step dad
When i was 18 or 19 i had a best friend, and being girls of that age together we would quite happily get dressed/ undressed together laugh at each others boobs, bums, pubic hair or whatever.

What i didnt know is that her step dad who was only 10 years or so older than us would quite regurlarly be peeping through any available gap. I even spotted him at it one time but thought he was just walking past. My friend told me about his pervy ways later - but it was ok, shed had a word to her mum and he wouldnt be doing it any more. In any case I never got changed at her home again.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:26, Reply)

yes
Eastenders. It was a load of tripe, but I couldn't tear myself away.
(AudioLag there ARE two zeros in n00b, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Re: Office Blocks

A city centre office block that I once worked in had a storage cupboard at the end of a short, L-shaped hallway with no other rooms off it.

I noticed, by chance, the window in the hallway overlooked the building opposite across the courtyard. The female toilets only had frosting on the bottom half of the the panes while the top half was clear. The window was by the sinks so nothing untoward could be seen. Apart, that is, from one chubby office worker. The first time I noticed her was when she was fondling her tits while looking at herself in the mirror. Another time she stuck her hand in her gusset, rubbed it a couple of times, took out her hand, sniffed it and put it back in again before removing it and leaving the room - without washing her hands.

I didn't feel like having lunch that day for some reason.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:19, Reply)

oh god the memories/mammaries hurt me...
a while ago, i was a bridesmaid for a good friend. our dresses were beautiful, but they were two piece, with a very tight fitting top bustier.

both the other bridesmaid and i are very curvy up top. if you have DD boobs, there is no chance of going out in public bra-less. not if you don't want all the wrong sort of attention, anyway. you know, the "cor don't get many of them to the lb, luv" type. plus it's even more inappropriate when the bride has a chest like two pink smarties on an ironing board.

but these dresses were so tight around the bust that an ordinary bra would have been out of the question as it would have ruined the line of the dress. so i had a bright idea: we would get proper corset bras that were as long as the tops.

so bridesmaid 2 and i head off to top luxury lingerie shop rigby & peller, where we refuse all help from the sales girls - not easily done in there. they must work on commission for their £300 bras - and start falling about in topless hysterics trying to lace each other into these corset bras. i'm usually really prudish about stripping in front of my friends, but frankly rather a friend than a flat chested smirking sales girl!

about 15 minutes later, we are both trussed up in these cream lacy corsets with matching stockings. although they are so tight that our waists have disappeared and our boobs are somewhere just underneath our chins, we are worried about falling out, especially when hammered at the wedding.

so we start doing a bit of aerobics, bending down, jumping a bit, seeing if we bounced or fell out.

at which point there is a discreet knock on the wood of the changing room.

"excuse me, ladies," the flat chested smirking salesgirl hisses. "you haven't pulled the curtains properly."

we look up from our contortions in horror. shit, what is she talking abou - oh, there. ok, not too bad, bit of a chink in the curtain, but the changing rooms are round a corner from the main shop. could be worse.

we decide to buy the corsets (which didn't fit under the stupid dresses anyway) and get dressed, gossiping away. on the way out, however, we stand still in horror.

see, inside our cubicle is a mirror. and opposite the cubicle is a mirror. and on the other wall is a mirror. the effect was basically to bounce our bouncing antics around to anyone who had the grave misfortune to be in there. and if anyone has ever been to rigby & peller on a saturday, they know that (i) it is incredibly posh and (ii) incredibly busy.

gah. good job the wedding was worth it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:17, 2 replies)

My Boss's Pants
My boss was once showing us his holiday snaps which he'd downloaded onto his PC at work. Not being the most IT-savvy person, he just had it running as a slideshow.

Which was all very well and good until the shot of him posing in his pants pulling a macho man pose appeared.... As much as it hurt my eyeballs, you just couldn't look away.

It may have been the first time I ever heard my boss swear.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:09, Reply)

My grandmother knew about me naked
The upstairs windows of the house where I used to live were quite high: the sill was at about diaphragm level on me (I’m at the thick end of two metres tall). Moreover, the house backed onto a lawn, and then a park; thus the only houses nearby were either facing in the same direction as mine, or else at 90 degrees on another street. Either way, I was confident there was no sight line to anything rude; and this meant that I didn’t have to worry too much about the curtains being closed properly (or, indeed, at all) for most of the time.

So Christ knows how it came to pass that I was told by my grandmother, who knew several people in the area, that they’d all seen me walking around naked in the house. How? Periscopes? Or was it that "naked around the house" in their minds was equivalent to "not wearing a t-shirt in the garden"?

It’s only since moving out that I’ve realised that there could have been a vague promise of a sight line: if the bathroom window was open, someone might just have got a glimpse of me as I climbed into and out of the shower. Not while in it: just for the half second I was moving past the sweet spot. I can only assume that the neighbours had clocked my routine exactly and knew where and when to look. Hidden cameras aside, it’s the only possible explanation.

I like to think that I warmed the aged hearts of a few little old ladies. They certainly used to smile at me in a friendly manner, bless.

Alternatively, it could have been my grandmother's incipient senility.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:07, Reply)

Shamelessly stolen from Viz
but when relaxing in a gentleman's way, make sure your light source is between you and the curtains so as not to project a shadow play of the events to the neighbours...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:50, Reply)

Got loads of these...
Was going out with a middle eastern girl who was ahem, passionate and spontanious. We were going at it in various positions in a relatively secluded area of a public park for hours then eventually went our seperate ways.
That evening she was chucked out of her parents house. Her mum was watching us do it all afternoon with binoculars after she followed her daughter out.
They let her move back in in the end...
(JoePhoto, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:39, Reply)

Unlikely scenario
With my current dry spell I can't see myself having sex, nevermind watching other people.

I'd try porn but it gives me heartburn.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:36, Reply)

no sex, just a little death
i watched idly as my brother killed himself by cutting his wrists.
() do bears shit on the wooden pope?, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:33, Reply)

Bloody hell yes. From an office.
Used to work on the 8th floor of a buidling in Covent Garden, and overlooked a few roof-gardens.

One day in the summer, one of our blokes was on the 'phone, and looking out the window. He started tailing off his conversation, and eventually was just staring out the window, until eventually he goes "BLOODY HELLFIRE! COME AND LOOK AT THIS!"

We all ran over, and on a roof on the opposite side of the road were two couples, bollock-nekkid, all chatting.

Then they just start cracking into it.

And they're clearly talking amongst each other while they're doing so - having actual conversations - "Did you watch Corrie last night?" "Yeah I know - what a bitch!" "Good match last night - I see your lot won against Arsenal" etc.

We were stunned.

They looked up. They carried on.

We made judges cards and held them up.

They gave us a wave.

They loved it.

And you love my length.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Oh dear I'd forgotten this one
I was in the altogether one day, having a bit of a stretch on my bed when I heard a scream from the garden below, followed by another then shocked laughter.

My advice is, if you are male and share a house with girls, do be careful in the evening that you don't have the light on, and your window open an angle of 90 degrees.

You will effectively create a periscope, with your flatmates at one end, and your revolting body at the other. Like Christopher Biggins lamped.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:31, 2 replies)

The Brixton Screamer
We lived in 'Mansions' in Brixton in about '93 (for mansions read purpose-built Victorian slum flats. No wonder they used to riot round there).

A girl moved in upstairs, seemed ok, said hello on the stairs, bit of a hippy. Within a couple of weeks we'd learned that she never seemed to go to work (mind you nor did we), and that she enjoyed noisy sex with an antipodean bloke at all hours of the day and night.

Funnt up to a point, but the crumbling block had no sound-proofing, so just when we were settling down to laugh at freaks on Kilroy or play on the Mega Drive, she'd pipe up with her wails, moans and shrieks.

It went on for a few weeks until the solution came - every time she started to moan, we would too, but louder. 2 or 3 of us shrieking our lungs out (and howling with laughter). She soon shut up (and stopped saying hello).
(Lo Pan is in big trouble, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:28, Reply)

...
I'm going to be highly critical of other people's posts, as, like the other post critics on here, nothing remotely interesting has ever happened to me, ever.

Click 'I Like This', it'll be the most exciting thing I've experienced this year.
(yiddo, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:27, Reply)

Have one of my favourite stories...
Hot Birds Bum...
As I was walking down the stairs for the northern line at waterloo last summer I spotted a nice young lady wearing a summery dress, looking hot and stood with her boyfriend examining the tube map.

As I walked down the stairs I thought "wouldn't it be great if her dress rode up to reveal what was underneath..." HUZZAH!!! low and behold the southbound train came in and her dress rode up high enough for me to see her cheeks!

Playing my luck like the skamster that I is, I took a seat on the bottom step of the stairs for a few moments and then the northbound train came along and I was perfectly SEATED and ready to view the spectacle again!

Happy days...
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:21, Reply)

The Dark Room
Back when i was with the harpy ex - bitch Girlfriend, we used to break up and get back together faster than a hyperactive person on speed (making up sex was always good.)
The Lady decided that to put spice back into our love life we should go to swinging partys which involved going to a big mansion somewhere paying between 20 and 80 squid for the pleasure and sit around with people who looked like judges and their wives in skimpy clothing.

One room they had was the Dark room where you got jiggy with your lady on a big matress where other people were getting jiggy and then try and swap with them and me usually ending up with some biffer that i was too drunk to fight off.
One time i managed to get a rather lovely blond lady around 20ish and we were going at it hammer and tongs until i realise there is a small torch light on us, so i look to the doorway and there is a bloody great camera filming us "errr" i say prodding the lovely angel on top "oh no worries" says she "thats just my boyfriend filming something for us to have fun with later." I not really liking the thought of some bloke fwapping over me on film
jump up and the girl who was on me falls into a pile of bodies getting funky, i grab the camera race to the toilet and flush water over it, the boyfriend getting irate with me gets one of the gorillaz (scarred and very big) providing security to throw me and my girlfriend out into the street with my clothes thrown out of the windows at me, so i get the car started and lob a brick through the window and peg it.

We broke up shortly after .
No appologies for length but she was gorgeous.
( Trollman, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Robbed.
My first ever holiday abroad without supervision from parents or teachers was certainly a liberating experience. Mrs Greencloud (then 'to be') and I had been together about 6 months or so and felt like reet proper grown-ups going on an all-in jolly in Tenerife together (we were 17 & 18).

The voyeurism part comes in on our first full day there. My better half is a bit of a sun-junkie, so I found out. Following the example set by the middle-aged women thereabouts, she also decided to go topless to avoid the tan-lines. Robbed? How so?

Read between the lines. We were a rather attractive teenage couple, naively marooned on what could have easily provided an alternative setting for that sitcom 'Benidorm'. The Germans even nabbed the sun-beds for fuck's sake!

My girlfriend was a size-8 vision of pert-boobed, bronzed, designer-bikini semi-clad loveliness and all of those grotty old bastards got to perve on her (it DIDN'T go unnoticed, Grrrr!!)while all I got in return was to willfully ignore their hippopotamus-esque, ugly flip-flop wearing, cellulite coated, leather-skinned, jungle-muff'ed, floppy-uddered warthog women. That really boiled my piss!!

Thankfully, the sedative effect of free-flowing alcoholic beverages and smugness of thinking that I'd be screwing her all night (in reality, not quite - bastard sunburn!) while they could only dream about her and fwap away at their wrinkled grey-pubed peckers hiding in the bathrooms from their sweaty-minged wildebeest wives, got me through the week without incident.

Length? 7 nights, all-inclusive.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 14:13, Reply)

I watched silently
as many sad, lonely people posted their poor attempts of erotic fiction on a website once.


Oh, Wait a minute.....
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:53, Reply)

'That look'
Many years ago when I was a young whippersnapper with fractionally questionable morals, I'd been going out with my girlfriend for about two years and things had started to get a little strained, so I did what any testosterone fuelled lad would do and proceeded to dip my wick in anything that moved.

I'd met this lovely girl from work and, as my parents were away, decided to take her home. One thing led to another, she was screaming away in the throws of passion, and I smelt a really funny smell, not unlike dog shit.

I looked around and saw the family Jack Russell puppy's arsehole pucking away having just laid what can only be described as a 'dirty protest', the puppy then looked over it's shoulder and held eye contact with me. I knew exactly what it was thinking.

Length? about 3 inches and curly, I had to cover it with an upturned bedroom bin before I could carry on.
(Dr Death is not as funny as when I thought it up, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:50, Reply)

Not somtehing I saw
But heard this while getting some cash out of the ATM at Asda today

Young girl about 18 or 19 (though you never know these days) very fit but very chavy as well was talking to her mate on a mobile.

"I am fuck all out of money to the end of the month. I went to see my step dad to borrow some off him but the wanker wanted a blowjob for it, last time I did that he only gave me 20 quid so I let him touch me up while he jerked off"
(Long time lurker, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:49, Reply)

A colleague of mine.....
.. was sharing a ground floor flat in 2001 with another staff member. He said once he came home around 11 from the pub, to see his flatmate and a female companion, naked, standing up in his room ready to make the beast with 2 backs.

As opening foreplay, the flatmate performed what my colleague described as a 'plumbers wipe' on her genitals, before lying her down, bouncing up and down on her for 90 seconds, and unleashing a torrent of jism over her chest and neck.
(Vic Flange, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:44, Reply)

Camels
Tunisia, the worse place in the world for a holiday. You can't go anywhere without being constantly pestered, groped and stared at. It's a bloody nightmare.

Anyway, story.....

Went to Tunisia with then-boyfriend. It was dreadful, it got to half way through the first week when we realised it was almost impossible to leave the hotel without all the hassle. (I'm not wet or anything, it was just that bad) so we spent a goodly amount of time in our room, shagging to relieve the boredem, as you do.

All the rest of our time was spent in the hotel bar. For those that don't know, Muslims aren't supposed to drink, so alcohol is only reeally licenced in registered tourist places, like hotel bars, as a consequence the bar was usually full of Tunisian men.

Anyway, one night a local man came over to us and offered then-boyfriend 100 camels for me. We were a fairly equitable couple and he just told the man I wasn't his possession and no.

We smiled at the thought of what he would do with 100 camels in our Victorian terrace back home and left it at that.

Later on we went to speak to a couple from Barnsley, who were having just as dreadful a time as we were.

The girl of the couple was well presented, nice make-up, you know, all the usual homogenous attractive stuff for people lacking in imagination, you know the sort I mean? Anyway we got round to talking about the locals in the bar.

She pointed to an elderly gentleman and proclaimed proudly "He offered my fella 17 camels for me"

My ex then said "Someone offered me 100 for her" (pointing at me)

Her face dropped, she obviously couldn't understand why anyone would offer more camels for a big girl who's kind of scruffy and lacking in style over "lovely" her.

We all sat around awkwardly until the passing waiter said, with a smile:
"It's probably because they all saw her copulating on the balcony this morning!"

As you can imagine, the silence was deafening.
(Jugular, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:27, Reply)

Big Mammas
Mammary that is.

One Sunday Morn, my eyes still full of sleep, I went into the kitchen to make some coffee. My back garden backs on to the adjacent back garden, which gives a clear view to neighbouring bathroom window. It has frosted glass; but that made no difference.

From the inside a massive yellow sponge was cleaning the window, majestically sweeping from left to right in an enormous arch.
Connected to the sponge was a big arm with bingo wings flubbering to-and-fro, and connected to that arm was the biggest pair of Maam tits hitting the glass and smearing back and forth. The huge black nipples and 10cm areola hypnotising me with their sickening time delayed swing.

Each time I look at that window now, I get the fear.
(waxdart hello., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:09, Reply)

not me officer
A while ago I was seeing a lovely lady who worked and lived out in the sticks in Buckinghamshire. We used to eat at a lovely little pub which had a very small carpark, that meant we had to park about half a mile away at the local garden centre. one night I was doing the gentlemanly thing by running back to the car in the rain and driving back to the pub. So I got to the car and dropped the bloody keys while I'm on my hands and knees searching for the keys I get a hand on my shoulder attached to the long arm of the law. Excuse me sir what do we think we're doing?? turns out the car park is a doggers hotspot. the old bill assume I'm there for a spot of perving and start the reading of the rights crap. While I'm there protesting my innocence the other half rolled up, now soaked to the bone and angry at me!
Coppers then realise I've been telling the truth and then decide to breathalise me because I've been at the pub! WANKERS!!
long and short I mentioned "real criminals" and "proper jobs" they went away pissed off, I went away soaked to the bone.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:07, Reply)

And on a related theme
I was at a friend's house, and she was excitedly telling me about a couple who live in a house behind theirs. No curtains, they walk around naked and she has the "most amazing tits", apparently. And sure enough, as we were talking, these incredible beauties hoved into view. We all clustered round to have a look, and my friend's boyfriend produced a pair of binoculars, obivously left by the window for this very purpose. "Dave!" she shouted at him, suddenly annoyed. "What have I told you about using the binoculars? Always turn the lights off first!"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:04, Reply)

Coitus Interuptus
I was in London for an exhibition and my boss at the time had a policy of forcing staff members to share rooms to cut down on expenses. The fact that we'd put the money saved on the bar tab instead probably didn't help. Anyways, I'm sharing with this guy, Mark. It's a Friday night, so we go to watch something at the local cinema, then back to the hotel for drinks. Except Mark's still complaining about the hangover he inflicted on himself on Wednesday and isn't about to embark on a drinking mission.

Salvation appears in the form of our customer services manager and her friend knocking at the door and asking if we're going to the bar. Mark's still complaining about his hangover so pikes out, I trot after the girls and get well and truly hammered while the girls complain that we didn't invite them to the cinema with us.

Just after one in the morning, our customer services manager wanders off and a little while later her friend insists hat we go and fetch Mark and force him to drink. We get to my room, get told to fuck off and leave him alone, and I'm just about to head back to the bar when this girl grabs me and starts kissing me.

Nice.

Then she slides her hand inside the waistband of my trousers and starts tugging at my cock.

Oh, yes.

I take her hand, lead her across the room and lay her down on my bed. Minutes later, she's lying with her legs akimbo, knickers discarded on the floor and her thighs pressed against the sides of my head while I delve my tongue inside her.

That's when the door flies open. The Customer Services manager peers into the dark and asks "What's going on here?" then sees for herself what the answer is. "Oh," she says.

"Thank Christ you turned up," says Mark. "I was geting scared there."

The light gets turned on and the girl I'm with leaps from the bed, scoops up her knickers, then runs and locks herself inside the bathroom for a cry. I stand up and say to the CS Manager: "And THAT's why we didn't invite you to the cinema, 'cos we knew you'd ruin the ending."

Her friend went fucking batshit after that and started smashing things up. We snuck out the next morning before we could get collared for damages....
(mister_barfly, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:02, Reply)

Thin walls and animals.
My girlfriend can be a bit loud and my bedroom (I live with my parents and sister in an very old house so very thin internal walls) is next to the bathroom. Anyway one night we going at it and she isn't being very quiet and then we can see the light being turned on in the corridor, don't know who it was but they would definately heard us.

Same girl, didn't realise my door wasn't shut properly and look left to see my dog looking at me.
(ticklishrew, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 13:01, Reply)

At a party recently
I bumped into some friends from uni, and as usual the conversation got nostalgic and we started reminiscing about our student days. I was a bit the worse for wear, and without thinking mentioned the time we got the binoculars out and spent the day checking out the girls in the next house over (about 100 metres away). As we were laughing about that, one of the girls present said: "You don't mean ______ House, do you?"

Too late I realised that she lived in that house, in one of the rooms facing ours. And yes, we did.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 12:59, Reply)

Not me but my mate paul
Comes down the stairs early hours of the morning with a shocked smile on his face.

Turns out he'd passed out on a chair in one of the bedrooms, and a female couple decided he was no harm and had sex on the bed near him.

They didn't realise he's a light sleeper..
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 12:43, Reply)

A few years ago on a sports tour
got rather friendly with a young lady, and decided to head back to one of our rooms. Sadly we were both sharing with other people, but decided her room (sharing with girls) would be a better choice than mine (sharing with numerous blokes). So we get there, start getting warmed up and suddenly room mates arrive, all very drunk. We waited for them to fall asleep before continuing.

Unfortunatly quiet was not a word this lady was familiar with, was prone to being very vocal. Without wanting to distrub room mates any further, i drunkenly suugested going onto the balcony to continue, where we did, to be greeted with a huge round of applause and cheers upon finishing.

Being so drunk I hadn't thought about the pool bar being open, and around 50 drunk students witnessing the entire second half performance.

Screamers - got love 'em!
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 12:43, Reply)