Weddings
First wedding - oh, um about 24 years ago - the bridal waltz was "Fascination". We practised for a year learning how to dance. Divorced 5 years ago, sadly, was told the other day ex-wife is now in hospital with liver failure, and not likely to recover.

Second wedding, registry office and then to a pub on Sydney Harbour, right next to bridge, views of Opera House, lovely sunny day. Cut the cake, kiss bride - cue to one minute deep french kissing, all to the cheers of assembled multitude.
(Maclir, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:08, Reply)

Hijack in progress......
At our wedding the current Mrs Gobbo chose Jon & Vangelis singing the immortal 'I'll find my way home' as the first dance.

nuff said....

Length, girth - Completely inappropriate.
(gobbo, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Usher fuck-up
Me and the (soon-to be) Mrs were deciding which table to put my Irish Catholic Grandmother on, since she wasn't easy to put in a group. So, I decided to put her on the same table as the Ushers, to try and make her feel important.

The meal was going fine, until my uncle tried to alert by a series of mad eye ticks that there was an issue on the table, which I vaguely caught but didn't respond to due to champagne etc. I did find out from my uncle and the other Usher that one of my mate had decided the wedding dinner was the time to tell my Grandmother...

1. that we had gone to a lapdancing club for my stag do.
2. that him and I had had a fist fight one drunken night due to him paying a lot of attention to an on-off again girlfriend.
3. that the same girlfriend actually existed, and that she was a single mother.

Still, at least I got a laugh at his expense. He brought along his new girlfriend, who we hadn't met until the big day. It turns out that she was so impressed by his behaviour on the day that she dumped him that very night, when they got back to the hotel. Even better, she still managed to convince him to drive her home from Lincolnshire back to her home in Essex. Alone. I'd have loved to have been in that car with them.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 17:39, Reply)

Stay Very Still
We went to a wedding of two doctor friends, which was such a nice affair (firework display at the end and everything), that they decided to save some money on the photographer. They found one via work, who seemed to have all the right equipment (so to speak). He wasn't very friendly though, and seemed to have a problem getting everyone in the right position. He was especially annoyed when people kept moving, and as there were quite a few young children at the wedding, he was having a bit of a hard time, and giving everyone a hard time.

Anyway, after the wedding day, we met up with the happy couple and asked how the pictures had turned out. "Terrible!", was their reply. They found out too late that this bloke had never done a wedding before and was more used to doing more "medical photos". In particular, autopsies.

That would probably explain the large white slab he insisted everyone pose on...
(bedford van Shoddy Ideas, Shoddily Created, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 17:12, Reply)

I forgot to mention......
There was this wedding that I got to go to where someone married one of the inmates/residents of Botton. A lovely Sunday afternoon in a social club in Whitby where most of Botton Village turned out. Highlight of the event would have to be when they started playing "How much is that Doggy in the window.". Whenever the line "the one with the waggly tail" was played one of the wedding guests would flop out his cock and waggle it around.
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 17:06, Reply)

Inappropriate wedding song....
Yesterday (the Beatles, obviously)

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as if they're here to stay....."

Hmmmm, not the best of choices.....
(emma_fisi, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Hard house.
Last wedding I got dragged along to was my brother's latest attempt. All started well with the speeches and fancy food and all that bollocks but as the afternoon went on and more drink was consumed the evening party was a bit of a shambles. It ended in my brother playing loads of hard house music and then storming off crying when people started complaining that the music wasn't suitable or just plain shit. He was later found quite drunk in the corridor telling wedding guest if they don't like the music to fuck off. He would then back this up by throwing anything to hand at them. Class.
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Wedding songs!
Heh, forgot about mine.. she went in to perfect day (hell yes i know what it's about! did she? nooo), then when she was signing the book on came talking heads with pyscho killer, much to the merriment of all present, and finally we left to the strains of david bowie's velvet goldmine, i rock!
(Lord DooDah, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Baptist Wedding
Got dragged to a baptist wedding in London by the wife (it was one of her workmates).

Firstly, not being religious types, we had to stiffle our giggles as the happy clapping started. I was dragged up catholic so i'm used to churches and masses but not when people are waving their arms ( showing of their "What would Jesus do?" wristbands) to the dodgy modern hymns.

Then the minister addresses the non-parishoners, saying that being a good person was not enough, you must give your life to Jesus or you're off to Hell.

And then he asked for our prayers. Silently I thought so i just looked at my feet. But no, randomly from all four corners of the church people were piping up in turn to pray for the happy couple. I'm sure it was nice for them, but to me it was just a bit to much like a cult.
(Boney N left a cake out in the rain, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:50, Reply)

Many brides cry...
But not mine. There was a mirror behind the "altar" in the hotel where we got married so I could see her walk up the aisle.

She was p***ing herself laughing, and continued to do so throughout the ceremony.
(Boney N left a cake out in the rain, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:40, Reply)

incest
genuinely not me but a friend...

went to a family wedding in rural ireland with her parents. just after the wedding had finished, she and her older brother decided to sneak out for a crafty fag. they found an outbuilding just outside the reception. now she is tall, blonde and blue eyed whilst he is slight with brown eyes and hair.

two or three relaxing fags later, they headed around the corner of the building into many smirking paddys who were grinning and smirking at her brother, asking them if they had enjoyed a cheeky one. "yes" said my friend, looking guilty, "but don't tell my mum!"

it was only when the speeches were made and their family were thanked for coming all the way over from manchester that the funny looks began. oh yes... everyone had thought that there was crafty shagging going on around the back of the bikeshed.

to find out they were brother and sister was too much for even the most rural of irish communities!

ok, this is seriously dull. for some reason it seemed funny when she told me...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:39, Reply)

I used to be a wedding photographer...
...So we saw many things along the lines of men holding posies, lifting up the bride's skirt, adjusting the bride's garter etc...but there are two stories I know that are slightly interesting.

At one wedding at a stately home in Canterbury, as one of the three photographers we were sat on a table with some of the other guests. We were sat next to a pregnant woman who was talking about how much she loved her boyfriend, and how much she wanted to marry him. Cue one of the photographers, thinking that her boyfriend knows all this, going over to him and saying that as it's a romantic occassion, maybe he should propose to her, as she really wants to marry him. The photographer came back with the most embarrased look on her face I have eve seen, and explained to us that, He never had any intention of marring his girlfriend...ever. The couple didn't speak much that evening.

The other incident, which I didn't witness, but the photographer I worked for did. There was a nice ceremony in Canterbury Registry Office, with a small meal afterwards at an italian restaurant. Apparently the atmosphere could be cut with a knife - there was something seriously wrong. Then, out of the blue, the Groom's Mother appeared, ripped the ring off the newlywed bride's finger and started having a full blown fight with her. The groom intervened, and she started shouting at him about how he shouldn't have married that woman (not good enough etc...). More fights started, including the Groom's mother physically fighting with the staff, and they were ordered to leave the restaurant. Unfortunately the photographer didn't take any pictures.

(Apologies if anyone doesn't like my length).
(Oinster, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:37, Reply)

inappropriate wedding songs
a friend of mine and his missus had Meatloaf's Two out of Three Aint bad. I iterally pissed myself (however that was much later)
(bluebiscuit, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:36, Reply)

Night out
in Richmond. Heard some funky jazz emanating from a nearby bar type thing. Looked a bit swanky, but we went in anyway.

It was empty, except the band and bar staff, but the music was good so we got the drinks in.

Soon this strangely familiar looking guy dressed in a white tux comes up and says
-"You going to be long, only I've booked this place for my wedding reception?"
-"oh, ok. You're off the telly aren't you"
-"Yes, I'm Paul Hendy, you may remember me from such shows as Family Fortunes and Disney Club"

Bit of a lame story perhaps, but it made our day anyway.

We also learnt that day that if you spit a big phlegmy green one on a duck it tends to yum it right up, unless the duck next to him gets it first.
(splunge, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:36, Reply)

I wish this was my story - it isn't, it's recycled, but it kinda fits in
1996-ish film 'Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves' with that slushy Bryan Adams song (Everything I do) that was at number one for the whole fucking summer.

Bridey requests it - 'that song from robin hood'. First dance time 'Robin hood, Robin Hood, Riding through the glen...'

>hope this isn't a Loogabarooga post, I skim read the rest, gutted if it is<
( 0nyx, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:32, Reply)

No one wants to upset a blind man
Was at a cousins wedding reception in Newquay when I noticed their was another wedding recepion in the hotel next door...a cunning plan started to hatch in my slightly inebriated mind. I have an uncle who's a bit blind, by a bit blind I mean dark glasses, white stick, doesn't know what sunlight looks like blind, anyway he's also a bit of a laugh. So I told him what I had in mind, and he lent me said glasses and stick.

Cue me walking down the line of bride, groom and family in the hotel next door, doing the shaking hand bit, and telling them what a lovely ceremony it had been. The beauty of it was I could see them all pointing at me and mouthing "who's he" getting shrugs in reply that sort of said "don't know, but he's blind leave him alone". Anyway a very amusing half hour or so followed, with me going up to random people, getting them to get me a drink, telling them what a lovely service I thought it had been, and what a lovely girl the bride is, known her since she was a little girl don't you know, all the time seeing the words "who's he" mouthed to the people around, and those same shrugs in answer. I then asked the DJ to play a Stevie Wonder tune, and stood in the middle of the empty dance floor doing my best Stevie Wonder playing the piano impression. Half way through the tune I had to do a runner before I did my best roll round on the floor laughing impression.

Still the funniest thing I've ever done.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Went to a mate’s wedding last year...
...and snogged a very sexy bridsemaid at the reception (enticed her into a bathroom cubicle on the promise of illicit substances- a technique I thoroughly recommend). At the end of the night, we walked back to the hotel where everyone was staying and I, for some utterly unknown reason, decided to lift her up and carry her down the street. Naturally I dropped her, and in the process sprained my ankle really quite seriously.

Unperturbed, I headed back to her room only to find the best man trying it on with her. Cue a rather embarrassing competition for her affections, which culminated in me saying something along the lines of ‘maybe we should settle this outside’. Not a great idea seeing as he was much bigger than me, I had a sprained ankle and had never been in a fight in my life.

This ‘best’ man then proceeded to beat seven shades of shit out of me (I think I went down before he’d even hit me), go back and shag the bridesmaid.

Probably a lesson in there somewhere, but I’m fucked if I learned anything.
(Chockerman Checkingin, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:16, Reply)

You dirty old git.
At a wedding of some random cousin. Few beers. Become invincible. See a bridesmaid that was well tasty. Spend an hour trying to get into her pants. Fail. Sit in a dark corner on own staring at her for a while. Decide to knock a sly one off whilst staring at her some more. Few seconds minutes later, chuck muck. Spend rest of wedding with stains down inside of left groin. End of party. Score with bridesmaids younger sister.

No apologies for length, girth, stains or smell. Ever.
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Inappropriate music huh?
My cousin got married a couple of years ago. Their "first dance" song? Jimmy Soul's "If You Wanna Be Happy". (Clickypop for the rest of the lyrics.)

They even did an encore before leaving.

I tried to get my second wife to do our first dance disco-style to Tom Jones' "Not Responsible", but she wouldn't cave and we ended up with some warbling twunt. So, I got the DJ to play it as our leaving song. No fucking Whitney Houston "I-i-i-i-i-iiii will alwaaaaays luuuuuuurve youuuuuuuuuuuuuu" for us.
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Rotten flower girl
At my friend Sarah's wedding, in which I was a bridesmaid, she had agreed to let her undisiplined, spoiled rotten 4-year old neice be the flower girl. The wedding was held outdoors under a tent, and the exremely eleborate cake with fountains of champagne affixed to it was at the right hand side of he minister. During the ceremony, just as the couple were taking their vows, the flower girl wrenched loose from her mother and scremed at the top of her lungs "I WANT CAKE!!", and ran straight for the cake, plunging both hands into the middle of it, which knocked off the champagne fountain, with then spilled onto the minister, who was understandably annoyed. He quickly finished the ceremony as we all tried not to laugh hysterically at the plight of the dripping minister.
Other than that, it was a lovely wedding.
(drinking_sand, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:54, Reply)

A long time ago...
I was at my girlfriend's sister's wedding. I told a joke to the girlfriend, and she responded negatively.

In truly witty style, I said, "You love it, you SCHLAAAAAAAG!"

Her older brother then threw his pint over me, pushed my chair over, and threw the empty glass at my head. He had gotten it into his head that I had called all the women in his family slags.

It didn't end there, though. After his profuse apology, he said that I still shouldn't be calling his sister a slag. No amount of reasonable explanation of the fact it was an in-joke, and that I always called her that would help, so he punched me in the face! I was out for a good two minutes, unconscious on the floor.

We've since broken up. Maybe I shouldn't have called her a slag after all.
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:47, Reply)

Youre 15. Youre at your uncles wedding.
I was, as usual, designated to look after the kids. A bloody depressing job, as there was noone else there within 5 years my age (Which is a lot for a 15 year old).

You spend your time running round the hotel gardens with the kiddiewinkles, collecting pinecones and going 'squirrel hunting' (throwing collected pinecones at wildlife).

Laughter ensues when EVERYONE buys you a pint for looking after their kids. Cue one rather drunk teenager running around dirt paths, under bushes and generally ruining expensive suit.

Top it all of with a generous serving of toddler falling into a pond during the photos.

Luckily, we all survived.
(Attention Whore, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:42, Reply)

I love Newcastle and its skip rats
Last year I was working in this small restaurant clapped onto the side of this pub in a very charvery area. The restaurant was nice enough and I was often working the weekends doing split shifts.

Came in on a sunday morning to be told there was a wedding reception being held in the restaurant. So I walked through ready to start work to be greeted by the union of two skip rat families. The bride was the first thing I saw... I say thing because she was a clear winner of Miss Cancer Face Burn Victim Uglyness UK.

There she was fat as they come with her feet up on the table swinging the chair on two legs, her tiara was wonky and she had a gravy stain on the mammoth tit part of her net curtain dress. Clutched in her meat hook was a barcadi breezer with a pink straw in it (for special occasions). Surrounded by bridesmaids you would usually find stood about in the bus stops of toon.

The groom was covered in tattoos but was actually quite a nice guy. Unfortuntaly for him he had decided of an early age to do his own tattoos with a needle and biro ink, so they all appeared dirty blue and said things like "Dazza".

I set to work clearing the chicken dinner plates away from next to the bride when she delivers the immortal line...
"I'm fucking sick of me dress man, I'm fucking sweatin me tits off." she then picks up a bit off yorkshire pudding and lobs it at "Dazza", he turns round and she says
"Dazza man fucking gan get us anuva drink man its me wedding daaayy" which warrants the reply
"fuck off yee lazy bitch"

The conversation continued in this hilarious vein till late into the night. Eventually they were turfed out back to byker but not till I was greeted to the sight of the head bridecharver getting pied by the grooms brother against the window whilst finishing her pint!

Skip rats I salute you!
(Manatee Fondler, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:33, Reply)

my own mother's wedding...
.. last summer, June. After the actual marriage marriage we all - like maybe 30 or 40 of us - went to some massive hotel i dont remember the name and had some champagne etc etc.... i discovered the secret of mixing the fizzy alcoholic beverage that went straight to my light-weight head with orange juice. drank maybe a few of those and half sobered up on the way home where my brother, my friend and I would change for the party afterwards at the same hotel. so i had a slight headache when i got there but i managed to be fully sober when the cute waiter offered me some champagne... oh its my mom's wedding, i should let loose... maybe a little too loose. after 4 tall glass of champagne, two glasses of white wine and two glasses of red i was almost falling over... after peeing for the 5th time i went back to dance with everyone and that wonderful britney spears Toxic went on and i was - im embarrassed to say - the only one on the dance floor... now there were much more that 30 or 40 people... at least 150...

so, next morning as i sat on my bathroom floor cold-sweating it out, quick flashes of my not-so-funny-anymore-dancing-alone scene zapped through my head.... oooh, i promised i would never drink again... yea that lasted for like what? 5-6 months? ha.
(bite_me38, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:27, Reply)

In response to Barrythief's idea
of inappropriate songs, we once played "Who's Sorry Now" as the bride and groom left the reception. And at another one we played "My Son Calls Another Man Daddy", which under the circumstances wasn't perhaps the most fitting song.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:14, Reply)

Bad behaviour
Was once out on the piss with some mates in Richmond on Thames, got myself into impressive drunken haze then went for a wander. Found a big marquee, got curious, looked inside...

It was all set up for a wedding reception! Nice cake with fancy silver knife up one end, about eight poshly decorated tables, all looking lovely. There was also a dividing screen on one side cordoning off a "working" area with a table which held dozens of plates containing the cold starters, all wrapped in clingfilm ready to be uncovered and served at short notice. Curiously, there was nobody there keeping an eye on things. Nobody at all.

I am afraid to say I had an idea which, in my drunken state, struck me as very funny indeed. I sneaked in, took about ten plates of starters to hand out to my mates back at the pub, and also grabbed an old hammer laying around in the functional area and swapped it for the cake knife.

If this was your wedding, I am very, very sorry. Food was lovely, btw.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:04, Reply)

pre wedding
standing in the queue of the dress hire place in glasgow, 5 of us were entertained by the couple in front and their best man who spent 15 mins trying to talk the prospective groom out of getting married. "we'll not be able to go out drinking on a sat etc" this was watched in silence by the prospective bride till she could finally stand no more and stormed off. the body language of the groom was brill, he didnt know whether to go to the pub with his mate or chase after her. I always wonder what happened to them. Result for us, we moved up a space. shouldnt have bothered, divorced now.
(montyzuma, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 14:55, Reply)

be gentle, first post.
I happened to be invited/dragged to a wedding of my wife's cousin. My wife's family are all Catholic but this cousin had broken all kinds of family law and become a Jehovah's Witness. Most of the folk at the wedding were either born in Scicily or were of that descent so imagine the look of bewilderment when the "priest" showed up in red snake-skin cowboy boots!

This was in rural Pennsylvania in the US and if that wasn't funny enough, this was right around the time that Saturday Night Live (US Comedy show) had "the church lady" as it's most popular skit.

I managed to get my wifes younger cousin shaking while stifling laughter by doing impressions of the church lady, and whispering about satan (the preacher was already telling us that satan liked to break up marriages so it was appropriate).

Eventually the infectious laughter spread to the non-English speaking older relatives who didn't know what was so funny but saw the row in front of them in hysterics.

Sigh.. I haven't been to another wedding like that in yonks.

excuse the length, the air conditioning is on.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Hijack The QOTW
I like Barrythiefs idea. We should change this QOTW to be Most Unsuitable Wedding Songs.

My personal favorite is the cunts who had Lou Reeds "Perfect Day" as their wedding song. A song about taking smack. Lovely.

Cheers

Legless
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 14:37, Reply)

Weddings
I have a few disasters under my belt
Here goes:

1. GF's brothers wedding - gets himself hitched to some nutter whose family is loaded, posh but extremely friendly. It was the death throes of the relationship had started for me, so I wasn't up for being behaved. We had a hotel for the night, free bar etc etc etc. Started drinking before wedding,filled GF's cousins handbag with Minstrels from pub because I thought it was my GF's, got caught by her uncle who thought I was tea leafing, gave the groom a sugared almond, which he choked on just as the bride entered the church and he coughed through the ceremony. Come the reception I had a copious amount of Pimms and lemonade, which I chased with JD and coke, red wine, white wine and red wine. The meal was very fine with gorgeous Prawns (that may not have been completely clean) danced for a few hours and then i was sick, all over myself, redecorated the fine portaloos (with piped music) , the hotel reception, and their fine topiary (as long as that means bushes, and not monkeys) - GF had long lecture from father as to why she was seeing me - Later that month, she wasn't anymore.


2. Cousins wedding - Richmond Park hunting lodge - Red Wine, sat with Bro and GF, noticed couple next to me were very quiet so thought I would engage them in conversation about Cult TV, they said they had never seen The Prisoner, I subjected them to a half hour lambasting about how they should, and what failures they are for not doing so. Then after meal, and couple ran away to complain to my cousin about the arsehole she sat them with .(her hubby gawd bless him laughed - but then he also said he was "Pleased as Fuck" in his wedding speech - top bloke!) I then dragged the GF outside for a shag in the trees surrounded by scrubland and deer! Top Night!


3. Other cousins wedding, too much red wine (see a connection?) asked the band to play the Godfather theme, they did - i cried like a baby. Goon!

Apologies for length/Girth/Completely clueless on what to do with it.
(Rockster77, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 14:37, Reply)