She beat me.
Like so many before, I remember doing some pretty weird things in primary school. I spent a couple of weeks hopping around the playground offering what I refered to as 'kangeroo service'. To this day I don't know what I would have done had it not been universaly refused. My sister was more successful at making friends by taking the instructions out of mums tampax and luring away boys for a peek. I mean she could have just showed them her fanny, no? Apparently she hadn't yet made the connection.
(impostercat, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 3:28, Reply)

I have no idea where the motivation came from
A kid in my brothers year at school went round telling everybody that Hitler was his grandad, and that Hitlers real name was *boys surname*-Hitler. Silly silly person.
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 2:04, Reply)

weird kid....
There was a guy at my junior school - lets call him Andrew Brooks (for that, dear reader is of course his name)

One of his particular favourites was to insist with a huge grin on his face that we all looked under the desk - begrudgingly, we would look under the shared desk to find himself fwapping away.

After the initial shock had subsided, he would insist that we would look again - assuring us that it was 'different this time'

Upon further inspection, it wasn't different at all.

This happened with alarming regularity - (in retrospect, were we the weird kids for continuing to fall for this amazing gag full of subtle nuance and intricacy?)

He never apologised for the length so why should i*


*obligatory, and somewhat fitting.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 1:47, Reply)

Tom Halliwell
Oh, Tom Halliwell. Tiny, webbed-fingered, spinally-challenged Tom. He had to have a special seat made by the sixth-form woodworks class because our tutor group was in one of the labs and he couldn't sit on the lab stools with his spine problems. He had his own rubbish Amstrad laptop, which for some reason he was allowed to use in school (something to do with his bad fingers not being able to write well).

Tom Halliwell! Tried desperately to cover up the fact that he picked his nose and ate it throughout high school! Was told to stand up in class and explain what had happened to the ripped-out pages of his jotter and admitted, weeping softly as he so, that he had eaten the paper! Asked to be excused from a last-day-of-school airing of a video of Roald Dahl's The Witches because the bit where the witches take their wigs off was too scary!

Ah, Tom Halliwell. He tried to be my friend. My Mum forced me to spend a Sunday with him and his family, which, although damaging to my credibility in the short-term, helped it in the long-term because I had so much extra ammunition against him. Like his collection of crystal gardens.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 0:57, Reply)

The phantom
Until recently the words "The Phantom Scribbler" written in greek alphabet have been appaering on classroom blackboards after every break, lunch time & 6th form free period. Its common knowledge that Michael has been doing it but whenever hes asked he screams at you and runs away to the library.
I wonder what his motivation is to spend all his free time writing shit on blackboards.
(vibrating tuna, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 23:21, Reply)

Yikes!
My brother sat next to this guy in English class for a few years. Kind of sad in a way as he obviously wasnt quite right up top. Then again stabbing your mother 30 times is somewhat fucked up.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/4634401.stm
(vibrating tuna, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 23:13, Reply)

I went to a boarding school
and living in boarding houses meant that we were forced to interact with younger and older years, meaning a sharp increase in the number of weird kids, from the asian kid who threatened to have you 'expended' for being racist if you ever took the piss to the fucking mental guy 2 years above who put his head through a security glass door and set fire to his curtains one night in a deodorant experiment.

But still none outshone the real oddball who told us that his two sisters were porn stars in the hope it would make us respect him more. He even brought in pictures on a floppy disc(1 bitmap per disc) of a load of different girls and tried to pass them off as his sisters. Why he thought having pictures of his own sisters naked would gain him respect I'll never know. It didn't.
Nor did telling us that he'd broken someone's arm for bullying his friend and been officially banned from any kind of judo for 2 years, which was about to expire. That lead to people (not me) swinging different objects (from pillows to army boots) at him because he claimed he could easily block them. He couldn't.
He had 2 girlfriends at the school, fair play, that was more than me, but one of them looked like a busty horse with nipples by her knees and the other can only loosely be classed as a girl but is probably a man by now.
My favorite story involving him revolves around his birthday when we decided to be nice to him. unfortunately this meant we couldn't think of a single word to say and ended up eating breakfast in unbearable silence. The silence was so bad that he came out with "I've noticed your not saying anything, would you like me to bully myself?" At this suggestion any thoughts of us being nice to him died and we spent the rest of the day egging him on to be more offensive to and about himself.

I am no longer a complete bastard, but then I haven't met him for a long time.
(gingerchris I'm trying..., Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Washing Machine
At primary school there was a lad that for the purposes of this story we shall call robert, for that was his name. He used to walk around the outside of the playground making 'brum' noises (monotonal ones though, not like you would make for a car) and say he was a washing machine. That is all.
( JimmyD I let my best ideas go to waste, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:53, Reply)

Shit
There was also a kid who would constantly shit on the toilet seat. People would then try and push others into it.
(vibrating tuna, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:46, Reply)

The token russian kid
We've got this mental russian kid in our year. A few years back he got put in isolation for a week for going up to a first year and saying:

"You are gay. I am gay. Let's be gay together"
(vibrating tuna, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:37, Reply)

there was on ortistic kid called alex
he was amazing at maths. the poor guy survived all of the way through secondary school getting teased until one day in 6th form at the age of about 17 he was found naked in a marshy area at the far end of the school field on a winters day. some year seven (11 year old kids) had told him his clothes were toxic and there was a bomb in his bag. he'd gone nuts chucked the bag then ran away ripping off his clothes .
( You drive like a mong in a dodgem today is, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:12, Reply)

It was me.
I was very interested in the various things that could be done with the human body. Hence the time I made Joanna Opuku cry at lunch by turning my eyelids inside out. I could also 'play' Walking In The Air on my cheeks. I spent a week learning how to flare my nostrils. And I constantly made stupid shit up about my family.

Now I'm a stand-up comic and I was in Steve Coogan's last sitcom. I believe that is a victory for the weird kids.
(metalwarlord, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:05, Reply)

one guy in secondary school....
called Daniel would eat the yellow things in the urinals as a dare. sick fuck
( You drive like a mong in a dodgem today is, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:04, Reply)

thee were loads in my school, sorry it's long.
one kid called Arun would never talk to anyone, on his last day at primary school before he left to move house he spoke for the first time saying "Da da dada ching ching" he was a total fucking loon.

Another one called Chris would never swear even though at the age of seven he knew all of the words, one day we were trying to make him say "sex" he told us he had to ask his mother first, the next day his mother came in to speak to the teacher and we all got told off.

Sharon once shat in her white woolen tights

Dave brought in his mothers vibrator to primary school one day, none of us knew what it was, but now looking back i realise how weird it was. Dave is to this day renowned for making up bullshit stories in an attempt to make himself look good, he told us at the time you put it under your pillow and it helped you to sleep. we thought it was cool and wanted one for ourselves. I remember the teacher taking him to one side and telling him not to bring it in again.

Mike always put his shoes on the wrong feet after P.E after a game of football at playtime he was crying really noisily he'd broken both of his feet.

Alan at the age of 10 shot to fame as the "phantom shitter" occasionally a shit would be found in the boys bogs not in the toilet itself but in the middle of the tiled floor, this caused loads of excitement in a primary school of over 350 kids everyone would ask to go to the bog so they could have a look at the gleaming pile of feces. This went on for months. every two weeks a fresh new turd would be found shining on the tiled floor. we were given letters to take home to show our parents, breakimes were spent in he gym getting told off and questioned urging the "Phantom Shitter" to own up. It turns out Alun was caught one day by a suspicious teacher whilst fishing a little brown jobby out of the pan with two sticks. He's now in the RAF
( You drive like a mong in a dodgem today is, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 22:00, Reply)

one born every minute
one guy i knew in secondary school would wank in class, on the field, in the shower after games, and even in an exam. he couldnt stop, i sat near him in a history class and he would sit with his hands in his trousers and bring them up to his face and sniff them, he wasnt bullied nearly enough, ther was also a rumour which had to be true (smoke/fire) that he was sleeping with his sister.
FREAK
(ZZ, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 20:24, Reply)

Weird teacher
Maybe it's because my parents divorced when I was nine and I'd developed a mistrust of adults and authority, but I always founds the teachers weirder than the students, even in primary school.

One moment that stands out is when my year six teacher Mrs S. started to bollock me and my friend Ross because our younger brothers had been caught having a competition to see who could urinate the highest up the urinal wall. She went on a two minute rant about how disgusting it was. I remember looking around and seeing that the rest of the class, despite our young age, were equally bemused as to what was going on. I actually stood up to her, saying, "Sorry, have I done something wrong, or has my brother?"

This is the same teacher who told us that Jesus died for all our sins, and then bollocked me for asking if that meant that the guy who killed the kids at Dunblane (then a topical story) was in heaven. I didn’t know it at the time, but that moment started my slow but sure lapse from Catholicism…
(Tristram_zx81, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 20:16, Reply)

That crazy Greek
In my GCSE/AS Physics class there was a greek lad, AG. AG is actually very tame by the standards set on here, but he was a bit weird regardless.
He would come in one morning saying "Oh yeah, [insert band name here] are the shit!" The very next day he would say "Who wants to buy [insert previous band name's album] off me, I think they're shit."
But that wasn't the weirdest thing he did (obviously, otherwise it wouldn't be QOTW worthy), he would frequently play with himself at various time and would unzip his trousers in lessons for 'comfort.'


Length? We don't think he really had one.
(moffatt, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 19:30, Reply)

Mmmm- We are all Weird...But....
Let me start with Frank.. Nice enough kid but anyone who went to Lawrence Weston School in the 80s will know was what is known as a 'Pre-Voc' ie somebody with learning difficulties who did 'Easy' lessons (i.e watching silent movies/ drawing with crayons etc). His best bit was his skull...it must have been made of Sheffield steel as he never got hurt- 3 occasions that stick out-
1:leaning back in his chair he falls back and smacks his head on concrete floor-The sound is dreadful, teacher thinks Frank is dead- but no Frank is fine , gets up rubbing his nut going'Ohh that hurt a bit'
2:Devil bangers- Now not available to buy- Party trick was to put one in the palm of your hand and smack it down on Franks head-really loud bang but otherwise he was fine.
3:While in playground waiting for PE teacher to escort us over main road to playing fields three of us pick up Frank and ram his head into the PE teachers cars wing, putting a massive dent in it! Oh dear we all said to Frank you've broken Mr X car!!! We helped him mend it by again picking him up and popping the dent out again....

Also weird/Psycho kid Jason B 3 years behind me but a real nut job- Considering LW school was well rough he managed to get expelled after 2 weeks for being caught drinking lager and smoking, stabbing a fellow pupil with a flick knife and stapling a lads hand to a desk(Although it was the lads fault in that he dared Jason B to do it!!!)...i have jasons image in my head- A miniature cross between Roman Polanski and Jools Holland....

Also not really weird but stuck out a bit was Ginger kid Jeremy=Very well spoken, came from Stoke Bishop (Very rich area of Bristol)and got dropped off by his Mum in her volvo every morning (we all had to walk)...i don't know if his Dad was one of those-It will toughen you up son types but Jeremy did stick out a bit....
sorry a bit log but as I say we are all weird...
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 18:45, Reply)

My mum's a primary school teacher
So I have many, many stories that I could share. But just in case any b3tans had been considering a career teaching cute little kiddies to read and write, the following should bring you back down to earth. Never mind moronic management, ridiculous hours, thuggish parents and trying to get a class of utter retards to score a Level 2 on their SATs - you're not a proper primary school teacher until you've done a sniff test.

Apparently it's quite common for children who soil themselves to discard their underwear in order to avoid detection. They know they're going to be in a shit load (sorry) of trouble for their lapse of bladder/bowel control and the most obvious solution to the seven-year-old mind involves abandoning the evidence. In this case, abandoning a pair of shit-encrusted Y-fronts in the boys' toilets.

So it's been established that a boy in the school has shat himself, but nobody knows which one. This is where the sniff test comes in. Each teacher gets their class to work on something quietly. Whilst this is going on, the teacher goes round the desks and leans over each child to "check their work", taking a surreptitious sniff as they do so. This goes on until the culprit is found, removed, washed and changed.

Still wanna be a primary school teacher? Don't say I didn't warn you...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 18:36, Reply)

Never had any really wierd ones
although there was one feller, whom we shall call Johnny V, who used to say things with no apparent awareness of how wrong they would sound.

Most famous of all, which I was sadly not witness to, was him telling the entire class about how he stood and watched a man wanking off a dog in London. One I did witness was when he suddenly announced to the person next to him that "sticking two fingers up your arse feels really good." When we all rounded on him in disgust, he tried to dig himself out of the hole with "I saw it in a film!"

A friend who worked with him at Sainsburys told us that he'd walked into the changing rooms one evening to see Johnny dancing along to YMCA in his pants. In our first year, he was the only one to use the showers after PE, and subsequently had his towel stolen, which led to him chasing those responsible around, naked and wet. Glad I didn't see that.

Apart from these incidents he was a friendly and likeable bloke, and never seemed to mind us mocking him constantly.

We also had James (see OzEden's stories below) who aside from the aforementioned, once kissed a year 7 on the cheek for no reason and set up a lucrative business selling food and drink that he'd shoplifted on his way to school.

Legends, the both of 'em.
(Uncle Comrade, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 18:15, Reply)

James.
There was this kid I went to school with, James was his name and he was a tad weird.
Once he shaved off both his eyebrows for no apparent reason.
We went on a week long french trip, probably something to do with GCSEs, and went to a place called 'Futuroscope' (a theme park based around the moving image apparently) where he decided he was going to steal as much as he could from the gift shop, one item at a time.
And the one that probably takes the biscuit is during a chemistry class when he drank copper sulphate because someone dared him too, he got sent to the hospital when he finished throwing up and we didn't see him for a day or so. When he came back someone asked what copper sulphate tastes like and his exact words were "You know when lick a brick, it tastes like that"
He did other strange things but I can't recall them at the moment.
(OzEden is probably clinically insane, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 17:49, Reply)

I was the weird kid
...and now I own a powerful rifle with laser sights HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See you all soon - but you wont see me!
(lichnis chalcedonica, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 17:48, Reply)

*sighs*
where the hell do i start?? growing up in a welsh slash wanna-be-welsh english town caused lots of kids to develop certain problems..

VK, who went red and cried every time someone spoke to her. And then after she'd stop crying, she go and press her face against the window making faces at passing strangers.

SA, who in a maths class started wanking under the table. we found this out because the fat twat sitting next to him yelled out "miss" 'e's making me touch 'is thingy!". was called "s____wankalot after that until he moved schools. he said he was off to a posh tech school, and was never heard of again.

AL, who wet himself nearly every day, so smelt dam awful. he claimed that it was just a normal smell and that he liked it, hense why he never washed. really clever though, i think he's a maths genius of something now. anyhoo the school bullies (if they happened to pick on you that day) would force you to sit in his chair for 5 mins. arseholes

final one: the sister of AL. a really small nip of a girl with nits. one day came out of the toilets. someone then made the mistake of going in after her. literally, and i swear, you could of drowned in the stuff. it looked like thick soup, but brown, and came to the first rim of the toilet itself. know one could understand how someone as small as her could of produced something of that volume
(mcspannered yes m'lord, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 17:26, Reply)

3rd grade Kung Fu champion
There was this one guy in 3rd grade (yes, 8 years old) who one day threw one of my classmates through a closed glass door, resulting in a concussion and severe cut wounds, and a door beyond repair. With a perfect over the shoulder Kung Fu style trick. In front of everyone of our class. And the teachers. Reason? The other kid wouldn't believe that he was into Kung Fu.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sun 21 Jan 2007, 17:11, Reply)

liam king
most probably had something seriously mentally wrong with him, which led us to be complete and utter cunts too him
(fwack bang on it, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 15:41, Reply)

Just remembered another one
When I was in junior school a skiver called Craig came into school after two weeks of skiving and handed in a note clearly written in his own hand writing claiming that he was the first case of human foot and mouth.
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 15:39, Reply)

He stole the knob off a radiator
and proclaimed it to be "the world's smallest toilet seat" to anyone that would listen.

He stole single chess pieces off me, and single playing cards. No use to him, but they ruined the set.

He stood up in one of the GCSE exams and shouted "Bob and Duck!" then sat down again. The invigilators, not sure how to invigilate this, let him get away with it.

The only words most people ever heard him say were "Yes!" with a very staccato "Y" and "No" with a giggle after it.

I still don't know if he was actually clinically mad or just a very strange normal-headed chap, because he did very well in terms of grades.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 15:33, Reply)

I've known a fair few over the years
First the obligatory 'yes I was the weird kid(into sci-fi not football, actually READ a book and had the tendancy to snap when the bullies had pushed it too far and hit them round the head with a chair)
Anyway, back in junior school there was a girl. Her name was Mary and she was destined to have a rough time. She had a condition that made her face completely smooth apart from her nose with serious coke bottle glasses. Think Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the muppets but in a dress. Had a habit of going to the toilet, pulling down her knickers and then sitting down on her skirt resulting in one of the worst odours that still haunts me 30 years on.
Then there was Mark. Never breathed through his nose even when right up next to you. Missing several teeth from fighting with his mum and at random intervals would throw heavy objects in class, either at the teacher or more often through the closed window. Put into care when he was caught trying to choke his little sister.
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 14:55, Reply)

I was a bit weird.
In primary school I cried and had someone sent to the deputy head's office because they broke my mobius strip.
And I used to fall asleep in the art cupboard.
( Hoohah Bibbly-bobbly-bubbly-snibbly wib-wib floppit., Sun 21 Jan 2007, 14:51, Reply)

April
My mum is a teacher and so I have a lot of these stories. One I remember from a while ago was a year nine girl called April who was about six foot tall and built like a brick shit house, who once in a fit of rage literaly ripped the head of the school rabbit.
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Sun 21 Jan 2007, 14:49, Reply)