I won tickets to see Batman Begins...
...from tiny, mentalist manc radio station All FM. All I had to do was name the year in which the original Batman film came out (1989 - best year of my childhood, bar none). Having been assured by the DJ that I would be sent the tickets before the showing the following week, they utterly failed to turn up.

After a couple of abortive phone calls, I reckoned I'd had to take matters to the next level. I NEEDED to see the new film, and as a poxy student, the opportunity of free entertainment was just too great. Since the station broadcast from a suburban semi (easy) just down the road from me, I resolved to stage a sit-in until I got my tickets.

Plucking up all my courage, I boldly rapped on the door. Nothing.

I rapped again. Nothing.

Steeling my will (steady), I pushed the door open, strode into the house and prepared to berate whatever poor employee I could find.

My confidence brimming at this successful intrusion, I smartly pushed open the next door and strode...

...into the station's studio, where I was confronted by a visibly alarmed DJ and a big, red sign that said ON AIR.

Sensing that this was my chance, I raised an accusatory finger at the DJ, opened my mouth ... then bottled it and fled.

The tickets turned up the next day.

EDIT: Elegant(ish) variation.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Thu 5 May 2011, 15:47, 2 replies)

Puns
My local paper ran a competition for the best pun based around a recent story. I love a good pun and came up with ten differnet ones. I was going to just send the best one, but I decided sending them all would give me a better chance of winning.

I really hoped one of them would win the first prize but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(ScousersPet, Thu 5 May 2011, 15:45, 2 replies)

First!
Bollocks, didn't even win that :-(
(Bappage, Thu 5 May 2011, 15:27, Reply)

Contains smugness and gloating
I've won 6 QOTWs. It would've been 7 but I was disqualified in the Sexism one for submitting "Click if you think tits are ace", a ploy which worked well but was struck off.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 5 May 2011, 15:11, 2 replies)

Winning?
Nope. Can't say I'm familiar with the concept.
Your pal
Nick Clegg
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 5 May 2011, 14:49, 4 replies)

I always wondered
in Bullseye - how two men would split a kitchen, or a Mini Metro.


or

'well you missed out on bullies special prize, but at least your going home with a tea set'

bonkers.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 5 May 2011, 14:22, 3 replies)

The only thing I've ever won
Is a holiday to Tenby. How is that a prize??
( rofl harris, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:56, 11 replies)

Good deeds do get rewards!
I was about 16 and a ratbag teenager. Many teens were worse but I know I was pretty selfish and rude to my family. Anyway so one day the inspiration took me to clean up the kitchen just as a nice thing. Put the radio on when I was washing the dishes. Scrub, scrub.

About 10 mins into the task the DJ announces they have Crowded House concert tickets and albums to give away. Crowded House were a relatively new band at the time but quite popular and this was their first trip to God's Country. I didn't hurry as such; downed tools, dried my hands and picked up the phone and started hitting auto dial (busy) auto dial (busy) auto dial (busy) etc. then suddenly "Hi! You're the 10th caller!"

I nearly dropped the phone! 2 tickets to a Sat night gig at the Hordern Pavlova and a copy of CH's first album arrived in the mail a week or so later. Woo! So good deeds do sometime result in a win!
( Ratsta, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:55, 1 reply)

PGL adventure holiday!
Once as a younger b3tan I was lucky enough to win a 1 week PGL adventure holiday from my local newspaper.

The holiday was a school summer day release thing so was actually Monday - Friday.

The local paper was published on Thursday. I got 1 day of my holiday and due to the wonders of admin spent most of the first morning being "registered" so I could spend the afternoon there. Still I got my picture in the paper "enjoying my holiday".
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Garden birds
This might be a bit of a pee, but i can't be bothered to check. When i was but a wee Alphabet I entered into a competition to draw a picture of the wildlife in your garden. i laid all my best pencils out and started scribbling furiously. It was breathtaking. I had used the bird table in my garden as inspiration and slightly cheated with an RSPB handbook for the finer detail. I showed it proudly to my mum and dad and explained exactly what it was. They were all smiles and encouragement and popped it in the post for me.

Imagine my delight a couple of weeks later on finding that i'd won a prize. a hefty ten pound book token to be presented to me at a ceremony in the local library. WOW.

All of the winning pictures were up on the wall with the name and age of the artist along with the title of the picture. There were lots of smiles and a few giggles when i went to shake hands with the nice lady handing out the prizes. My folks framed the picture and put it on the wall when we got home and only after a couple of years did it dawn on my why I'd won. The artwork was FANTASTIC, but i think the tipping point may have been my decision to title it 'A pair of great tits.'

This gets brought up by my parents on a fairly regular basis.
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:27, Reply)

When I was 18
I won the yard of ale contest in The Newbridge Inn just outside Edinburgh. I won :-

4 T-shirts
12 cans of lager
6 bottles of export
6 diaries
1 pack of playing cards
Credit for 25 pints to drink whenever I wanted (which I selflessly dontated to the local pensioners)
and bizarrely a limited edition, individually numbered, bottle of Carlsberg autographed by the then Earl Spencer (Di's dad).

...and most importantly the undying admiration of my work mates.

I gave the Carlsberg to my dad who kept it for about 5 years before my 10 year old brother stole it and drank it.
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:20, 1 reply)

I've had three top tips published in the newsletter
That's three more than most of you.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:05, 13 replies)

Winning
When I was a kid I joined swim club every summer and we had to sell chocolates to raise funds for our swim meets and stuff. Whoever sold the most boxes of chocolates won, you guessed it, more chocolate.
I always won. Not because I actually went door to door and sold the damned things. I ate them.
Needless to say, by the time I was in my mid-twenties, I weighed nearly 300 lbs.
(Arita-77, Thu 5 May 2011, 12:00, 1 reply)

managed to get a library fine rescinded
by pretending I didn't quite understand the new self-service system and that the renewal of my book hadn't worked.
60 pence.
WIN.
( Sallyrsm, Thu 5 May 2011, 11:00, 5 replies)

This counts, and I don't care who says otherwise
My best mate works at Jewsons, right. Yesterday - May the 4th - he was asked by his yard manager to contact the sand people about a delivery. The sand people. On May the 4th.

He wins because he replied "There's no-one there at the moment, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers."
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 10:10, 15 replies)

I won a McD's art compo... yet didn't
Many years in the past (circa. 1984) the local McD's held an art competition. My next door neighbours daughter wanted to partake in it but being only 7 she wasn't a particularly good artist.

Thus, I was called upon to use my less then average artistic skills to help her out. As I just said, my skills at drawing were probably only a bit better then the neighbours daughter (I was only 10 myself back in '84) but what skill I had was good enough to make a fairly good copy of a poster that had all the McD crew (Ronald, Hamburgler et al). I spent a good couple of hours on this A3 sized picture and said neighbours daughter was chuffed with the result and did the colouring in after I was finished.

As the title clearly shows, it only went and won the competition and it was on display for several weeks in the store. Neighbours daughter gets a bunch of prizes for mostly my hard work.

I got nothing and I'm still waiting for that McD's meal I was promised as my reward.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:35, Reply)

I just won
the game
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Thu 5 May 2011, 1:59, 5 replies)

I just won
A massive go kart race over 60 odd laps. Nnnneeeeeooooowwwwwwwwwww
( elgordo, Wed 4 May 2011, 22:11, 4 replies)

Charpod, my sister
once one an art competition as a child. It must be one of the only winning pictures in the world with a note attached from the artist's Mum saying:
"Charpod's 3-year-old brother drew on it in yellow crayon and she didn't have time to draw a new one"
£20 quid! Not bad for an eight year old. She wasn't allowed to spend it on sweets though, it went in her piggy bank until we needed it to pay the piano teacher.
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Wed 4 May 2011, 22:06, Reply)

Trying to out-Facebook-rape each other at work
Last year my work colleague and I went through a phase of Facebook raping each other daily. Pretty childish stuff like "xxx likes sticking his appendages in little boys" and "yyy can't wait to get home and teabag his gran tonight", but it was a constant contest to go one sicker than the other person each time.

The only rules were that you could not be caught posting on the other person's profile, and the other person was obliged to keep their status online for 24 hours.

One day I wasn't feeling very inspired by any of the crude comments I was coming up with, so I simply waited for my friend to pop to the loo before setting his status to "[name] has lost everyone's numbers. Can everyone please text me? Cheers!"

He's a popular guy and wasn't in the least bit impressed that his phone was ringing all afternoon and all evening (and for most of the day after) as most of his 497 Facebook friends duly texted him as per his request.

The contest was halted at that point by my friend, who said there was no possible way of topping what I'd done. I won. So there.

Fuck me, I need a life.
(SJH, Wed 4 May 2011, 21:14, Reply)

Best Opposite Sex
Whilst at college I entered a decathlon type of event open to anyone of any age and any ability. There were lots of sporting events, which I won hands down, and a load of "interesting" events, like clicking one of those counter things for 30 seconds, and tiddlywinks, and a load of other crap non athletic stuff. I topped the male half of the event, but was beaten by a rather lovely blonde student called Vanessa,who combined her limited athletic prowess with a combination of other, much higher scores in the miscellaneous section of the competition.

My prize was ( and very proudly still is) a tankard engraved with my name and the legend "Best Opposite Sex"!

And I'd proved it in competition, too!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Wed 4 May 2011, 21:03, Reply)

I lost
the game today. Twice.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Wed 4 May 2011, 20:05, 3 replies)

I won the bullying QotW
but wasn't credited in the newsletter.
( WormuIus, Wed 4 May 2011, 18:51, 15 replies)

On Saturday night.
Me and Mrs SLVA had been out on the sauce, and when we got off the bus near our house, she said to me. "First one undressed and into bed gets oral sex off the other". So off we ran, she took her shoes off to run quicker. She ran around to the front gate, whereas I vaulted over the fence at the side of the garden. However, I fell over and landed on my keys. She got to the door first, but couldn't find her keys, so I hobbled around to the back gate, climbed over like a man who'd just given himself a dead-leg from his keys, and let myself in. I ran upstairs, but when I heard she hadn't come in yet, I went back down to let her in. She wasn't there. I went out into the garden and then to the gate to see if she was out there, but she wasn't.
Then I heard the door slam. The little sod had been hiding behind the bin waiting for me to come outside looking for her. When I got back in, she was upstairs in bed. I was in serious need of a pee by then though, so I went into the bathroom and then had a quick wash and brushed my teeth. By the time I went into the bedroom, she was fast asleep.
I suppose I won in a way, but it cost me a large bruise on my thigh.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 4 May 2011, 18:17, 3 replies)

i had sex with my wife last night
and i won
i came first



let it begin
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 4 May 2011, 17:58, 9 replies)

I won second Prize but it should have been first...
I entered an Official PlayStation Magazine competition years ago (maybe 1997/8) in the days before google search. You had to answer 100 odd questions on a variety of PlayStation topics, hardware, software, back issues of the magazine... also sections on Metal Gear Solid and Final Fantasy VII (which I was a complete fanboy of)

I painstakingly checked my answers thoroughly, was pretty confident I had 100% and eagerly anticipated the arrival of my plethora of goodies.

Imagine my surprise to receive a promo version of Formula 1 '98 on Playstation and not the grand prize.

The one question I apparently got wrong was as follows:

"What is the name of Marlene's Dad in Final Fantasy VII?"

The answer they gave in the magazine? Barrett.

Correct answers in reply please. Incidentally I wrote them a letter which they ignored, if I wasn't 16 at the time I might have sued.
( JebediahSpringfield, Wed 4 May 2011, 17:43, 7 replies)

aged about 7
i wrote a crappy little poem about a space shuttle launch, which i sent off for a competition in the southport visitor. i actually won the compo and the £50 prize money, but the best thing about it was seeing that 2nd place went to a woman in her forties who wrote something about cats or tulips. i can just imagine the look on her face when she found out she'd been beaten by a seven-year-old!

the worst part was having the school headmaster reading out the damn poem in the middle of assembly. oh, the shame!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 4 May 2011, 17:40, 5 replies)

I won your sister's virginity.
I say "won".

I mean "stole".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 4 May 2011, 16:46, 8 replies)

leaping bananas
I did get shortlisted for the mock turner prize run by aunty beeb in 2005 and indeed came 3rd even though they named it 'leaping bananas' instead of bananafish.

I felt so proud of myself although actually now I go back to look at it they're mostly pretty poor and the ranking seems utterly irrelevant - The winner was a bit of scrunched up foil and the awesome baby made of dummies came 6th
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/4469468.stm
(teasus likes tea, Wed 4 May 2011, 16:42, 2 replies)

Competishun
The wife found a shitty suppement from the Star newspaper, and nicked it for a read.

They had a really stupid section where you can send in photos of people or events, or probably even your collection of porcelain characters.

Amazingly they pay 50 quid for each pic published, so we sent in a pic and we just received a cheque from them!

50 quid for emailing a semi-interesting pic to them. Feels like we won....
(robp, Wed 4 May 2011, 16:40, 1 reply)