in a similar vein...
What about "Grandad" by Clive Dunn. What a complete nightmare of a song! And the video was worse.
(Hazy, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:15, Reply)

The Wurzels!?
It's not actually my worst record but my mothers - I remember a 4 hour car journey from London to Cornwall in the early 70s when my brother and I played a Wurzels cassette ("I've got a brand new combine harvester" to mention just one of the gems) non stop for the whole journey!!! My mother still gets pissed off if I mention the Wurzels! :o)
(Hazy, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:13, Reply)

Saddest childrens song ever?
If you want to mentally scar your children forever play them this from Captain Beaky Volume 2:

Nearly Four
Jeremy Lloyd

A teddy bear sits on a mattress,
One glass eye and threadbare paw
Looking at a cuckoo clock
Which tells it's nearly ten to four

Four O'clock is Teddy's tea time,
Lots of friends and fancy cake
Although it's only pretend eating,
Oh how long ten minutes take!

Shadows grow on distant hillside,
Orange sun on glassy sea
All in his amber eye reflected
And still ten minutes left 'till tea

The mattress striped is old and broken
Rusty springs through stuffing show
The cuckoo clock is also broken
But how's a Teddy s'posed to know?

Unaware he's been abandoned,
That this is not the nursery cot,
The hills and sea just glass, old papers
On a disused rubbish plot

A telephone that noone answers,
Empty tins that once held tea,
The clock that still says nearly tea time,
Where can all the children be?

For ages now he's lain unwanted,
Saluting with a threadbare paw
He'll never know he's been discarded
'Till the clock reads after four

Don't tell him that the clock is broken
As long as Teddy doesn't know,
It will always soon be tea time,
As it was so long ago

For the guilt complex alone, this song should be given a Caution: Parentary Advisory sticker. Eminem Schmeminem
(microsaulxp, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:09, Reply)

My worst record ever
is probably the bootleg mashup (*cough*) that I did of the vengaboys versus the outhere brothers.

Not only is it crap, but you can't get it out of your head for ages afterwards. (Mail me if you want an mp3 rob ;-)

Other than that, "Margerita time" by status quo, which is not only a complete pile of toss but was also the first record I ever bought.
( LP, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:48, Reply)

Yellow By Coldplay
Who wants to hear Chris Martin whine like a litte girl who's on a beach and it's cold because she's only wearing a cagoul for 3 miutes???
( viperrr mostly comes out at night, mostly, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:47, Reply)

Gareth Gates
Spirit in the sky

for several reasons really
1) he looks 12 and sounds about 11
2) anyone that was in pop idol/stars/whatever deserves to be shot for perpetuating bland soulless commercial pop
3) he didn't even frickin win pop idol, he lost, he's a LOSER
4) his fay wispy insubstantial makes a mockery of the original (and even the 80's cover)
5) it has the bloody kumars in it for christs sake
6)BAH HUMBUG
if i ever meet the hedgehog headed cranberry, I WILL break his nose
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:45, Reply)

Worst record ever
kevin carter by the manic street preachers...why? cos its pure shite, political statement my arse! fecking talentless welsh turdburglers, should be shot the lot of em. who gives a flying zeppelin about whoever kevin carter is or was???
infact anythign by the manics is and weill be the worst record i ever heard
(poomin, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:30, Reply)

THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDMA !
THERE'S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDMA
St. Winifred's School Choir - 1980

The lisping voice, the doe eyed children, the sickly sweet, sugar coated lyrics that decay your teeth as you listen.


Grandma, we love you
Grandma, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you
(They think of her alright, and hope they get a fiver in their next birthday card instead of having to visit the funny old lady who smells of cat)

There's no one quite like Grandma
And I know you will agree
That she always is a friend to you
And she's a friend to me
There's no one quite like Grandma
She's there in times of need
Before it's bedtime, on her knee
To us a book she'll read
(A friend ? A friend ? She's an old lady for Christs sake, not a mate.. On her knee, with her arthritis, not fucking likely sweetheart)

Grandma, we love you
Grandma, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you
(see above)

And one day when we're older
We'll look back and say
There's no one quite like Grandma
She has helped us on our way
(Yes, dear old granny in a home, smelling of her own wee, pissing in a bag attached to her leg, senile and toothless. She was such a help)

Grandma, we love you
Grandma, we do
Grandma, we love you
Grandma, we do
(Ok, we get the picture, you're into older women now shut the watermelon up !)

There's no one quite like Grandma
A love we always share
At party time and Christmas too
We know that she'll be there
There's no one quite like Grandma
She always has a smile
She never hurries us along
Just stays a little while
(Party time and Christmas too when she gives us gifts, and note how they say 'She never hurries us along Just stays a little while'.. A little while only 'cos your dad can't wait to get her back to the home so he can get pissed and watch the Morcombe and Wise Xmas special)

Grandma, we love you
Grandma, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you
(Give it a fucking rest will you)

And one day when we're older
We'll look back and say
There's no one quite like Grandma
She has helped us on our way
(Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....)

Grandma, we love you
Grandma, we do
Grandma, we love you
And we know you love us too
(Oh just get a fucking room will you If you love her that much then why don't you just marry her ?)

I hate that song, I really, really do.
( Darryn.R, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:17, Reply)

There are so many to choose from -
anything Michael Jackson has done since Thriller (and wasn't that keen on that either), and lets face it anything by Celine Dion, Maria Carey (though I'll forgive her the Busta Rhymes duet Baby if you give it to me), Bryan Adams, Simply Red, Craig David, the whole raft of misogynistic rappers inc Nelly, Snoop Dogg, R Kelly (misogynistic ballads for fucks sake), and so many more that have you reaching for the radio off button and the sick bag.
I will save an extra portion of vitriol for anything by Whitney Houston but especially 'I Will Always Love You'. It was a pretty awful song even when the fab Dolly Parton did it (yup, I do like a bit of Dolly, though not the God Bothery songs) but for heaven's sake, Whitney has managed to turn this syrupy song into an indigestible, shouty, maudlin, mawkish cacophony that was impossible to get away from for months - in what was it - 1993? It still gets played these days - don't people ever learn?
Oh, and Whitney, anyone who refers to themselves as a 'gracious diva' deserves a slap.
Edit/ I was also going to add Grandma and Ernie the fastest milkfloat in the West but I guess that can come under the banner heading of 'Novelty songs' so that covers Bohemian Rhapsody and anything by Gareth Gates too.
( MizEmma, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:10, Reply)

am i the only one
who has trouble reading this blah blah or is it just my age

dat wurst rekhord fing
I no myne iiz is dat suckh-fayced "feargal sharkey" - ghott givun ah hole LPee, nevuh plaid itt. Two frit, yn caise hee jumpt owt an tryd two shagg mei.
He does that you know


....page 4 of answers....
(dirty dawg, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 17:03, Reply)

We are the world
(we are the children -sang michael in those days)
Thinking of it now it just gives me nausea, all these yanks dripping with good intentions. They wouldnt dare singing it now, they just do it and invade around the globe. Well i dont really blame the guys who sang it, although most of the mare shite muppets, but hearing it nowadays just makes me want to cry. I much prefer this alternative version : perso.wanadoo.fr/lamemoireneuve/wearetheworld.asx
(Bertie, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:56, Reply)

Levellers
feckin crusty wankrags.

had to put up with so many people who thought they were great back in the early 90s. "there's only one way of life." etc etc, yeah right.. all the middle class muppets going to charity shops and spending some of their allowance on a shit army jacket and attempting to grow some dreads.

what a beautiful day. my arse.
( hanrahan, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:56, Reply)

Wham
Wham! Bam! I am a Man!

Nuff' said.
(McHamster_Meal_with_fries, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:51, Reply)

"Barbie Girl", by Aqua. And "Saturday Night" by Whigfield.
This, as well as being my first meaningful post on b3ta (hello, by the way), is liable to mutate into a particularly bile-sodden, splenetic rant. Apologies if this does, in fact, turn out to be the case...

My nomination for "worst song ever", indeed my nomination for "most excruciating aural torture ever devised by man", is the foul and reprehensible atrocity that is "Barbie Girl", by Danish popsters Aqua.

My deep-rooted and potentially pathological hatred of this song isn't limited to its kindergartenish melody, simian rhythmic structure or feculent lyrics. Although they do contribute.

No, the real reason for my soul-deep loathing of this song is that it reminds me of my whining, irritating, immature, militantly Northern flatmate when I first moved to London. Nicola was a perpetual student, led a largely nocturnal existence and only emerged in daylight to paint her toenails, cook beans, watch Corrie and moan about how shit London was. "Barbie Girl" was, I fear, her favourite song. Her bestest tune in the whole wide world. Which, I think, says a great deal about why I wanted to kill her and distribute bits of her body around Kent in an assortment of supermarket carrier bags.

I'd put Whigfield's "Saturday Night" up here as a close second. Interesting Danish collection here; frankly I think the Danes may as well set aside all pretensions to neutrality when the next War comes. They deserve everything they get, after inflicting both of these eye-wateringly awful bits of nusic on the world.
(Lapsed Pacifist, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:49, Reply)

Lady in Red
The lyrics "I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight" stoke up such a rage in me, it's takes everything in my power not to look up where DeBurgh is playing, flying there and smashing a shovel into his face on stage.

Every single insipid word from the short arse monobrow'd spunkmonger makes the acid in my stomach bubble to boiling point.

I want his head on a stick, so I can fashion some sort of repugnant glove puppet.

Just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse , he says "Looking for a little romarrrrrnce", what the f*ck is romarrrrnce Christopher. Do the world a favour, burn the rights to the song, then throw a f*cking toaster in you bath.
(MrWud, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:38, Reply)

Stereophonics are bad,
but the manics are fucking awful. and radiohead.

but as for worst song EVER?...

anything by Avril 'used to be a country singer but the record label wanted to piss off real alternative people by making 8 year olds like bad versions of good musical styles' Lavineatory. And Papa Roach while we're at it.

Oh, and while I don't hate the whole of the FunHouse theme tune, there's this one bit where someone says- 'use your body and your brain if you wanna play the game'. just think- someone actually got paid to stand in a studio and sing that. there is no justice, same goes for most advert dittys.

why can't everything just be as good as the theme tune from 'Tiny Planets'?
( siamese twins utd., Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:26, Reply)

Daniel Beddingfield
"I Gotta Get Through This"? Purlease, when that hit the charts, we all just wanted to get through an hour of not hearing that awful piece of crap

"If you're not the one". If she's not the one fucking shut up about it already. Obviously if you have to try to convince her that she is, she probably isn't. What is that shit? He can't sing, he's grotesque, acts a pratt, and now sings songs that encourage stalking?

I don't usually post things, but I really, really cannot stand Beddingfield. Remember that guy that sewed his mouth shut in protest of being deported? I suggest we sew Beddingfield's mouth shut to protest crap manufactured noise.
(DarkSide, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:25, Reply)

Any thing by Black Lace.
Superman, Aga-do, etc, etc

and as for their haircuts.........

Mullet loving cranberries..
( Toma_o, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:19, Reply)

The missing link between Kylie, the WWF, and the disappearance of my sanity
In the days before my brothers' musical taste began to improve (generally due to age increasing), the family car featured a Telstar-style TV themes compilation tape featuring "Slam Jam" by the WWF Superstars.



Unfortunately, this got played fairly regularly. ISTR that this was also directly up next to "Mr. Blobby", a godawful song on its own, although I can't track down the exact tape in question on the 'net. This tape could probably make Gandhi turn violent.

The WWF song itself was released on PWL, and as such was written by Stock, Aitken and Waterman (the biggest orangutans of the 1980s, the 1990s and possibly the century to come). They were also responsible for "Especially For You", another song that makes me retch profusely.

Pete Waterman has been responsible for so much hate, destruction and misery, hasn't he? And One True Voice, of course. For that, he deserves total and utter ridicule.

EDIT: A little bit of further investigation reveals that the album in question was 100% Kids, in its cassette version. It really does look as bad as I remember it, doesn't it? Also, it was on Telstar.

Will I inflict the cover on you as well?


(inquisitor is currently wasting time, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:18, Reply)

Stereophonics
ANY Stereophonics...

I mean realllllly, how fucking shit, smug, wanky and faux-earthy can one bunch of Welsh fucking fucks who look like they work in a chip shop be? If they want to be EARTHY here's an idea- send them to work in a MINE back home in WALES. Prefferably a COLLAPSING mine.

And that VOICE? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
I'm sure he does that deliberately.
"Oh no, I'm a shortarse tosser called Kelly, better put on a Tom Waits voice to make meself sound tuff"

But the WORST song ever has to be FUCKN "Have A Nice Day", the most banal, irritating, smug record ever.
Catchy, like the plague...

EDIT: I'm also not a great fan of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers- They make me want to pull my own brain out through my ears.

'Nother EDIT: LOL... Putting the 'R' Into young girls... genius :D
(Hans-Hubert, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:08, Reply)

FATMAN SCOOP
What an arsehole. Some bloke shouting at me for 4 minutes over the top of a tedious, rubbish loop is not my idea of entertainment.
(spoonfeedme, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 16:08, Reply)

R Kelly- Putting The 'R' Into RnB
Putting the 'R' into young girls as well, from what I hear, although how this converts into such massive record sales I'll never know. Redefining an already overworked genre into Rubbish n Balls. Stop it. Now.
(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:59, Reply)

Return to innocence by Enigma
and the other lovely pan pipes moods style songs from the early 90's make me feel like burning huge swathes of virgin rainforest in an attempt to wipe out any native tribes which may 'inspire' people to write songs of this bent ever again.
(fluppet, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:57, Reply)

R Kelly
I am the Greatest.

Greatest zeppelin to ever walk this earth. The lyrics are appalling, and I can't stand him either.

And you further down who dislikes U2, you silly person you!
( notshiny, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:44, Reply)

"Music" by John Miles
"Music was my first love, and it will be my last" - aaaargh!
(merterhenz, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:30, Reply)

Rollin'
Limp Bizkit - aaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!
everything in their whole back catalogue should be splintered into shards and each shard poked into the erstwhil mr durst's throat but this one takes the biscui... hmm almost made a hideous pun... takes the cake. its just plain rubbish, all the rhymes are so basic and there is no substance to it whatsoever. also the official 'dance' is just a load of hot girls (albeit ones dressed like fred himself) doing their best to look like monkeys. i hate it - end of story
( manolith hooray for me, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:27, Reply)

mr blobby
'nuff sed
( GTA, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:25, Reply)

"Natural Radio" my arse
Nothing beats Stephen P. McGreevy's ground-based ELF-VLF recordings of the Aurora Borealis. It just sounds like a radio tuned to silence. www-pw.physics.uiowa.edu/mcgreevy/
(dumb runt, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 15:12, Reply)