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This is a question Worst Record Ever

What's your worst record ever? And why? Most amusing reasons and tracks will be played on Friday's B3ta Radio Show.

(, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 17:26)
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james last
AND His Orchestra were responsible for a horrifying session in my house involving the wrong rpm and my mates who were indulging in mind boggling drugs at the time. I suggest 'tie a yellow ribbon (round the old oak tree)' at 45rpm if you want to come around in a newly redecorated flat with a few days of your life missing. Old Jamsey does it every time.
(, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 1:27, Reply)
"The Dirty Boogie" by the Brian Setzer Orchestra
It's called "The Dirty Boogie". 'Nuff said. I thought the swing revival was cool.

Also, "On The 6" by Jennifer Lopez. And the first Hanson album. The orange one with them looking like girls on it.

Oh, I forgot the reasons. "On the 6" is by Jennifer Lopez, who sucks for obvious reason including asking for white flowers in her toilet bowl, spending $200 a night on a dog hotel and for being richer and more attractive than me. She's also not a very good singer.

Hanson blow because boys who look like girls should wait until their rather high-pitched voices stop cracking before they release an album. Especially if they want anyone to take them seriously.
(, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 0:22, Reply)
Fats and Small
"hey what's wrong with you, you're lookin kinda down to me"
Well, I tend to look like that when listening to the same bar of music looped over and over with an unconvincing melody tacked on the top which is itself looped over and over ad nauseum.
(, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 0:08, Reply)
who let the dogs out
I found "who let the dogs out" quite funny, as on a return journey from "alton tower" - complet with all the family - some boys were shouting the "song" walking along the traffic jam. When they came to the chorus - "who let the dogs out?" my mother shouted out the minibus window "YOUR MOTHER DID!"
(, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 0:07, Reply)
Worst song...
.. well it really isn't that hard, it has to be "who let the dogs out" by the baha men, not only is the song crap, it reminds you of all the dogs you see out clubing.
(or another possible entry i hate to even thing about is "the laughing gnome" by David Bowie, only an alien cranberry can come up with this toss!!, why you ask, well imagine red hot pokers in your ears, while acid is poured into your eyes and having some fat gimp, possibly in a mask, kicking you in the balls, for several hours, and you will be part way there, it must be one of the first 'shit pop' songs to be made, and that was decades ago, there for not only is it like having you finger and toe nails ripped off, it spawned all the fucking shit we have to listen to now, i really hate the song if you havn't guessed)
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:48, Reply)
oooh, lets see...
well, worst record.. hmm, i have quite a lot in my collection, and i like to listen to them for the sheer comedy value. my friends pineappleing hate them!

William Shatner - lucy in the sky with diamonds. or in fact any off his Transformed Man album

The Outhere Brothers - the song that got their record deal taken away - "I Wanna watermelon You In The Ass" (a watermelon up there would hurt like hell though! thanks swear filter!)

the Drum n Bass remix of Dads Army theme tune

the "Your A zeppelin" song (your a zeppelin, your a zeppelin, etc etc you get the message) or even "The Lovely Song", which has a smooth isaac hayes type voice singing that he has something to tell you, about the way i feel about you, and then it starts going "fucking cranberry, fucking cranberry, awkward bastard" in the background.

Ballad of Bilbo Baggins, by Leonard "im not Spock""yes i am""well i dont want to be typecast""too late for that" Nimoy. video is hilarious for that one as well. loads of women who look nothing like hobbits, with big pointy spock ears for some reason!

erm, one more, lets see, oh, think its the streetband, or something with their song about "toast". just checked and it is. Streetband, which featured Paul Young, who went on to better things, had their only hit Toast in 1978. a lovely bit of Toast.. etc etc
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:45, Reply)
"Chesney Hawkes - The One and Only"
why? because I still have the cassette hanging around somewhere and oh jeezus what was I thinking when I bought it
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:43, Reply)
"it's getting hot in here" by that nelly guy.
this song is quite definitely the most ass song i've ever heard in my life. no, i take that back, that other song he has about country grammar is slightly more ass. and it makes my left eye twitch because i hate it with such a profound passion. either song makes me violent, really. i'd like to introduce his face to my favorite pair of steel toes. while they're on my feet. for a long, long time. and then i'd just flip out on him while he sat silently in the corner and wished he'd never been born or at least written such a horrible, horrible song and "rapped" it onto an album... dude, you can't even rap. you whine into a microphone for 5 minutes and get paid to do it. and you are on mtv every 20 minutes and you are a dumbass SELLOUT!! i hate you!!!! stupid idiot nelly!!!!!1 AAArrRRRGGGGhhHHH!!!!!!!111
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:37, Reply)
My least favourite record...
... is "this town" by the specials. Everytime i hear it it takes me back to the time that i went out with some mates to a restaurant where we knew the waitresses, all the wine was free and we had a couple of bottles each and some crappy thin crust pizzas that cost us about a tenner each, after a while i felt ill... very ill and had to run to the bathroom before i threw up all over the table, i made it to the toilet just in time and i was violently sick... now i am no stranger to being sick when i have a drink (infact i see it as a sign of a good night out) but this was a bad one. I simply could not stop throwing up and so decided i would be best off outside, i stumbled downstairs, past my friends at our table and out the door where i threw up all over the front step, the management obviously noticed and we had to leave (not before he made us pay for the wine though). My mates decided that a taxi was not safe as i was still throwing up (over some railings in the middle of a traffic island now) and so my girlfriend at the time was called to pick me up. She was at a party herself and was not impressed by my inability to hold my drink but came to pick me up anyway. I sat in the passenger seat with my head out of the window (still throwing up, i have no idea where the actual quantity of liquid was coming from) but the breeze on my face was aiding my recovery. I had regained some consciousness when i noticed that the angle of my head was causing my vomit to hit the window of the passengers behind me (people from the party that my girlfriend was at that i didn't know and one mate who wanted to see me home ok) giving them a full view of everything i was chucking up, i leant out further and snapped the knob of the car lock clean off (i later tried to superglue it back on which didn't work) and so i came back inside. The vomiting subsided for a minute and i thought some music would help, i clicked on the radio and the specials came on, and the music seemed to coinside with the dreaded "spins" (you know that feeling you get when alcohol takes a full grip on your body and the world decides to spin faster just to make you feel worse?) The vomiting continued.... only inside the car!

My hate of this song is so bad that i can't watch the scene in Snatch when it is playin in the background and i was sick the other day when it featured in an advert... beat that!
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:23, Reply)
I know others have mentioned it
and I have already voted for it, but I have to redouble my opinion and tell you that since merely reading about Paul McCartney's Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time here yesterday, it has been swirling around my head and I am now ready to kill him with a brick. It's like some frightful viral advertising jingle. Trite, twee, monotonous...ARRRGGHH!!!

I can also say that being stuck in a queue in a shop that was playing Christina Aguilera's skanky Christmas album last year was one of the most musically harrowing experiences of my life. I had to go back the next day and I got it all over again. Torture. What's wrong with singing the friggin' melody line??!! Some songs were almost unrecognisable. Singing that crap is such hard work for her that she makes it hard work to listen to.

Any wonder the shop worker's union here wants something done about the psycho-terrorism of Christmas carols.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 23:12, Reply)
Not a record as such, but this erm live recording
of a Birmingham punk of long gone acquaintance with clearly too many dead kennedys records, not enough cash to spend on a decent microphone and a real problem with traffic on motorways has always held an um special place in my heart. clicky
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 22:37, Reply)
Fatman Scoop : "Be Faithful"
IMO most people on here are suggesting songs by *people* they really hate. That fatman scoop thing is the most obnoxious, retarded sack of shi'ite i've ever heard, and i have no idea what he even looks like.

Get a record. Shout crarp all over the top of it. Number 1. Grrrreaaatt.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 22:34, Reply)
Worst Record ever!??!
Enya - Sailaway,.. seriously that song is a whole bunch of fucking cuntoids. And it reminds me of the time I saw someone get hit by a car, it was on the radio at the time,... so thats not a good thing either.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 22:32, Reply)
FAO secondbest:
That's "Hurry Up Harry" by Sham 69. There were worse punk tunes, by all means...
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:35, Reply)
Thanks to mond and JustHere for the inspiration
Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel.
For heavens sake, a song about rabbits? Yet again maudlin and mawkish and yet sticks in the head with all the tenacity of a leech or tapeworm (pick whichever one you find more revolting).
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:25, Reply)
Aural cruelty ... arrrgh,turn it off!!
Over the late summer I was subjected repeatedly to "The Fast Food Song" by Fast Food Rockers and "Take your Shoesies Off" by the Cheeky Girls in the gym. 3 times each in 2 hours. I didn't even have any headphones with me to block it out.
Pure torture.

Maybe these aren't the worst songs of all time, but they are worthy of mention as they have to be the worst of the year.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:25, Reply)
The worst records i have ever heard are...
Come On Harry-cant remeber who its by but it only has 3 different lines. Imagine the lines 'Cam on, Cam on, Cam on harry cam on' followed by 'Weeeee're gowin' dern tha pab' sang exactly like its spelt. For 4 minutes. Bugger. Bugger, bugger BUGGER!(kill me now)
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:24, Reply)
Three Lions.
The sound of the working classes, and fuck me, they sound dire. If The Sun was a song, it'd be this. Witless, jingoistic shite of the highest fucking order.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:21, Reply)
You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone
As if the song weren't awful enough when I thought it was about "a loved one". I recently found out the song is actually supposed to be about God.

Someone please lop off my ears, and then burn them, AND THEN toss the ashes into the sea:

So many nights, I'd sit by my window,
Waiting for someone to sing me his song.
So many dreams, I kept deep inside me,
Alone in the dark, but now you've come along.
And you light up my life,
You give me hope, to carry on.
You light up my days
And fill my nights with song.
Rollin' at sea, adrift on the waters
Could it be finally, I'm turning for home
Finally a chance to say, Hey, I Love You
Never again to be all alone.
And you light up my life,
You give me hope, to carry on.
You light up my days
And fill my nights with song.
You, You light up my life
You give me hope to carry on

There is plenty of crap "music" and "artists" that I do like. Especially if it is "fun". I tend to get hooked right into that cheesy stuff. I admit it. I fell victim to Wham, Vengaboys, and the Spice Girls. At least they made me smile.

Michael Bolton and Genesis come to mind as "artist's" I just can't tolerate.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:20, Reply)
Stock, Akin and Waterman (spelling may be wrong but i don't give a toss). Any of the shite that this miserable trio of song writers produced was banal and every single bloody one sounded the same as the previous one. When their songs came on the radio, if i couldn't turn it off i'd end up grinding my teeth for the duration and get a powerful headache. I have vowed that if i ever meet one of these guys, who made my life a miserable haze of bad moods, frayed hair and toothache, I will fill their ears with shit, until it oozes out, as they did to me.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:18, Reply)
Anything by William (Capt Kirk) Shatner. Particularly brutal is his 'emotive' rendition of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". It's hard to bugger up Beatles tunes, but he managed. Utterly.

Also, try "Save Your Love" by Renee and Renato...eek
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 21:01, Reply)
Worst record. Ever.
I've got three. Indulge me.

First off, that inexplicably popular piece of pomp-shite, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. Thanks for wasting over six minutes of my life: who gives a toss whether Scaramouche ends up doing a fandango anyway? If, as F. Mercury insists on blubbering, "nothing really matters", why go to all that bloody multi-tracked faff and bother? Jeeze. Frank Sidebottom's cover version took at least 4 1/2 minutes off the original and improved it by several hundred percent. 100% FACT.

The Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler. Whose idea was it to record that mawk-fest? OWN UP! There are so many reasons why I hate this (not least because when I get angry about this record someone always knows someone else who had this record at their funeral), but I shall restrict my criticism to the rising glissando (ooh, get me!) that the Divine Miss M sings towards the end. Nails down a blackboard: need I say more?

Still no idea what a "rising glissando" is? Play the record. You'll find out. (Shudders)

Lastly: Spinning Wheel by Mel and Dave. This is a genuinely bad record (although the instrumental version is a classic).

The crimes?
Too much cowbell. Yes; it's true. You can have too much cowbell.
Mel's hilarious breathy and off-key over-emoting.
Dave's frankly odd melisma (Oooh, get me! pt II).
The frightening harmonies that, at times, chill the blood.

Oddly, this was produced by Lee "Scratch" Perry, who is a genius. There's a fine line, I suppose.

I'm done.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 19:37, Reply)
I mean by The Firm.

(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 19:29, Reply)
Star Trekkin' - By The Furm
First post, hello all.

Star Trekkin' - worst record ever. Not because of the lyrics, which even today I still find mildly amusing.

No this happened because in my first year of secondary school I made the stupidly fatal mistake of admitting that I watched Star Trek. And I only said it in passing.

Cue every single person in my year deciding that it would be funny to sign me that song every single time one of them got bored(often!) or every time I approached.


I fucking hate that song. And it's a shame because I once liked it. Dammit.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 19:28, Reply)
...and also
anything from the dirty dancing sound track

12 hours on a bus accross germany - nothing to eat but cold tinned fish and cold red herbal tea

the only music is the dirty dancing soundtrack

over...and over...and over...and over
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 19:15, Reply)
'That songabout being a boatman" by The Levellers
Why? because bollocks, no-one wants to live on a boat. not even crusties. thats why they live in stairwells with dogs. Boats? don't get me started on boats.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 19:13, Reply)
its my own fault
i thought (for some reason) a £2 compilation of sci fi tunes would be great. I gave it to my boyfriend.

we particularly liked 'flash' (ahhhhhh saviour of the universe) performed by blokes who didn't know the words and who did the female voices in falsetto

it tails off halfway through like they got bored

what makes it worse is that i can't help putting it on ALL mix tapes i make for car journeys. Now its a song for traffic jams
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 19:13, Reply)
Goboren als een Trucker (Born a Trucker) by Henk Wijngaard
A Dutch bloke with an entire album of Country and Western songs (in Dutch) about driving a lorry. I kid you not. Truly appalling.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:42, Reply)
Wonderful Tonight by Derek Claptout
It's where Chris de Burgh got his inpiration.
Utterly barfulous.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:38, Reply)
do you remember.........
The Reynolds Girls, they released a song in the eighties entitled "i'd rather jack"

heres the chorus:-

Golden oldies
Rolling Stones
We don't want them back
I'd rather jack (jack)
Than Fleetwood Mac
No heavy metal, rock'n'roll
Music from the past
I'd rather jack (jack)
Than Fleetwood Mac

Who needs Pink Floyd, Dire Straits
That's not our music, it's out of date
Demographic stereo
They never play the songs we know.

need i say more.....?
this record defines hypocricy
(, Wed 3 Dec 2003, 18:37, Reply)

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