My better half
has some 'Take-That'.

Do I win a prize?

.or that latest Sophie Ellis Bexter thing where she goes on about changing, and includes lyrics about -
-but I'll still change my underwear...
...and..
...I tried to change a tyre but it wasn't my thing...


My worse record is 'SUNTAN' by Stan.
Suntan - on my nose
Suntan - between my toes
Suntan - around my eyes
Suntan - all down my thighs
What have I got? - Suntan
and what do you want - Suntan!

etc - ad lib et vom.
( Ravenblack All the good quotes have gone, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 12:15, Reply)

David Essex - Me and my girl
Why? Because it's bloody horrible.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Thu 4 Dec 2003, 12:12, Reply)

Rubish Monkey by 0898 Dave
On the album Brack Dragon it is so bad it is amazing.
"Tonight Matthew I'm going to be a rubbish monkey. Woo. Yeah. Rubish Monkey"
(stockweed911, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 12:10, Reply)

Mine would have to be
"Penicillin on Wax" by Tim Dog, possibly not the worst album I've ever owned, but certainly the most amusing, for reasons that would mystify you should I divulge them. Ah, even remembering that record brings a cringing smile to my face...
( djol, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 11:54, Reply)

Saturday Night by Whigfield.(again)
But a different reason.
I was working as a Sound tech on a show at the N.E.C. and the stand next to ours played the song on a loop ALL FUCKING DAY non-stop for 7 hours, It was a 5 day show as well. I heard that song over 500 times that week thats why its worst record ever.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 11:44, Reply)

Not sure if this counts...
as it's one of those songs that stretches so far into badness it almost comes out the other side in a funksome fashion. When I was at Lewes Tertiary a friend of mine went into Rob's Records and found a single by Brendan Shine called "I'm a savage for bacon and cabbage". The lyrics went something along the lines of...

I'm a save for bacon and cabbage,
Some call it bubble and squeak,
Oh my heart starts achin'
When I smell the bacon,

...Something something something

He also found "You've got to know your chicken" by Cibo Matto.

My laugh that day was most hearty.
(Ootini, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 11:42, Reply)

oh please please
It's La Bamaba
( Moogen, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 11:40, Reply)

Incense and Peppermints - Strawberry Alarm Clock
Utter utter shite.
The make Spinal Tap look like Led Zeppelin.
I love Spinal Tap btw.

Oh and the obligatory
Save your Love - Renee and Renata
Europop at it's barrel-scraping worst.
( clangers, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 11:39, Reply)

Has anyone mentioned
Candle in the Wind yet?
Especially the version done for Diana's funeral. What was already a excess of wallowing on a national scale was cranked up to weepy saccarine overload by such trite lyrics as

Goodbye England's Rose
May you ever grow in our hearts.
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart.
You called out to our country,
And you whispered to those in pain.
Now you belong to heaven,
And the stars spell out your name.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

Loveliness we've lost;
These empty days without your smile.
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's golden child.
And even though we try,
The truth brings us to tears;
All our words cannot express
The joy you brought us through the years.

Goodbye England's Rose,
From a country lost without your soul,
Who'll miss the wings of your compassion
More than you'll ever know.

What utter twaddle. Sorry, I'm going to have to go off and throw up now.
Edit/ I must confess my friends and I found the whole affair rather entertaining; we even wrote a hollywood a-list cast list for the Charles/Diana/Dodi biopic, and for my birthday in September that year a friend gave me a fab Diana t-shirt with a really cheap decal of her on the front - one of those ones that cracks the first time you wear it and then slowly flakes off over the years before the last remnants turn sticky and glue the whole t-shirt together - with roses around the picture and flowing script saying 'Diana, born a princess, died a saint'. I love it but I'm never allowed to wear it in public in case either someone thinks I'm being serious, or even worse realises I'm not and has a go at me for not respecting the memory of our beloved Princess of Hearts :D
( MizEmma, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 10:59, Reply)

Toploader
Dancing in the moonlight.

I'm sorry but if I ever hear that song again I'm going on a killing spree. Played at least every hour by every major and local radio station in the UK... the singer has a crap voice and stupid hair... and not a single DJ happened to mention that it was a cover anyway, instead they lavished praise on "hot new act toploader". The only toploader i can think of which deserves comparison is a skip.

And IT WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD A SONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I'm convinced that some rich record exec had a bet on that he could get them the most airplay ever and bribed all of the station controllers with a new mercedes...
(Joey[kins], Thu 4 Dec 2003, 10:43, Reply)

Ooh oooh OOOH
Sorry - had to nominate this one as well :

a-e-i-o-u (by 'Crush' or someone like that?)

You disagree? I thought it was good as well, until I re-listened last week, and realised it contains the worst vocal ever, ever recorded (except for Holly Valance).
(8-Ball, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 9:40, Reply)

Maybe That's What It Takes - Alex Parks
Pathetic, simpering twattiness. Need I say more.

Edit: i've only just noticed that the post below this also contains the words pathetic and simpering - oops.
( Gnoll, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 9:36, Reply)

2 songs actually
Both of them by Holly Valance - the new one (can't remember the name right now) and the 'Kiss' one.

Holly Valance represents everything that is rotten and cancerous about our music industry. She should basically watermelon off back to Australia and stay there. It makes me cringe when she tries to do the 'raunchy' bit, grunting and groaning and simpering pathetically through backing tracks, written by producers who should know better than to work with such a talentless, vacuous fukwit as herself.

In the 80s/early 90s we used to write innovative, brilliant music. We used to have at least 5-10 records in the American top 20 at any one time.

Now, what have we got?

Holly Valance.

Oh joy.
(8-Ball, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 9:30, Reply)

Saturday Night
by Whigfield.

I first heard this on an exchange visit to France. We went to a disco, I was in the middle of the dancefloor, the DJ put this on and everybody - EVERYBODY - did the dance. In unison. Except me, who'd never seen it before. Just stood there in the middle, blinking. Freaky experience.

Also, frankly, that bassline sounds like a duck...
( amygdala, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 9:09, Reply)

Not really a worst record...
...but driving back from a Flaming Lips gig, happy as hell, listening to Icelandic Rap.

Yes, Rap from Iceland. where I've no Flonking clue as to what he's rapping about. And it's flonking great !

The only problem is... I can't figure out who it is. I think the artist is Mri, and CDDB doesn't recognise it ! Which means, I can't buy it for others, and can't tell you how to get it (other than flying to Iceland).


And no, you can't have my copy.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 8:58, Reply)

All this is making me retch
Jinny - Keep Warm

Because it makes me want to ram a knife down my p1ss hole
(youngone, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 8:46, Reply)

Chrimble
ANY christmas song........especially in August
(Wombling nowhere near Wimbledon, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 8:28, Reply)

Greatest Hits in the Czech Republic
Despite being from a post-communist land (Czech Republic), I WON'T mention any of the horrible commie songs :-) But there was a HUGE hit called "Mumuland" a few years ago - and really, the title says it all. The lyrics were:
La la la lala
Mumuland
La la la lala
Mumuland
La la la lala
Mumuland
La la la lala
Mumuland
La la la lala
Mumuland
La la la lala
Mumuland
...
ad nausea - for some six minutes. HUUUUUGE hit here.
Speaking of commie stuff, Czech-language remakes of popular songs have been really big success here (perverted audience we are - well, not me). One of the most scary covers was a version of "No Milk Today" sung by a 10-year old boy with lyrics "Oh teacher, don't give me an F - I'm sorry I'm late, but I was helping an old woman with her heavy bag..." Terrifying.
(Kramflek, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 8:19, Reply)

I'm Her Fool by Billy Swan
Hurgk. The same bloke who gave us the wonderful ditty "I Can Help" had a grunt and shat out this terrible log cabin of sh*ite. It starts off as a sappy albeit harmless piece of jangly soundslikeeverythingelsefromthe70s pop, but inexplicably turns into a psychotic barking rant at the end, as if Mr. Swan's cranial aneurysm has just let loose. You must hear it to believe it... if you can find this slice of vinyl cheese, just play the last minute or so; it's all you'll be able to stand anyway.

PS I had to look up "aneurysm" and "vinyl".
(Skipthewhip, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 8:16, Reply)

Ay ay ay ay moosay
by Modern Romance. Some record company executive clearly thought that a bunch of twunts who dressed "a bit new romantic" and a novelty song was a potent combination. Played bloody everywhere in my early teens and still haunts me now. I apologise for rekindling memories in anyone who remembers this atrocity.

As if this wasn't bad enough, the trumpet player went on to write the theme song for One Foot in the Grave.
(breadtroll, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 8:01, Reply)

Godley and Creme
Wedding Bells

Must contain the worst edit/key change in the history of the universe.

Bleah
( weevilstepmother, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 7:44, Reply)

Hey sick_boy
La det swinge is a Norwegian tune not Swedish.
We have enough bad tunes as it is in Sweden so we don´t need that one as well. :)
(Quatermass, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 5:42, Reply)

Innocent Eyes by Delta Goodrimmer
This whole album of crap has embarassed Australia for long enough, just because she has the commonest form of cancer known to mankind (only slightly more serious than a fucking freckle) it does not mean she has the right to hog the limelight like she has. It all sounds like a bad Tormi Anus cover anyway.
(birdynumnum, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 4:31, Reply)

worst song ever
was that bastard "save the best for last" by... watermelon knows, homogenized american female late thirties singer, probably christian.

the lyric that gives me the issue:
"sometimes the snow comes down in june..."
okay, fair enough, this is england, i can't argue with the weather.

"sometimes the sun goes round the moon"
...and this is the point where i invariably put my foot through the speaker while screaming "NO IT DOESN'T NO NO NO" i'm all for poetic licence but AAARGH.

AND THEN THE FUCKWITS USED IT ON AN ADVERT.
FOR BISTO GRAVY. *FUCKING GRAVY!* AAAAARGH!

(p.s. whoever was asking, "o superman" was by Laurie Anderson (or anderton) and is the only song i have ever heard that sounds like it was written by an artificial intelligence with schizophrenia)
( Dano, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 3:22, Reply)

Worst record ever
Any of my Barron Knights LP's bought when I was a nipper.

What I thought was funny when I was 11 I can now see was sad.

Am I embarrassed now.
( h_lee(hateslawrencellewellynbowenwithapassion), Thu 4 Dec 2003, 3:10, Reply)

"Shake Your Love" by Debbie Gibson
Oh, shake your love
I just cant shake your love
Shake your love
I just cant shake your love
Shake your love
I just cant shake you love
Shake your love
I just cant shake your love
Shake your love
I just cant shake your love
Shake your love
I just cant shake you love
Shake your love
I just cant shake your love...

ad infinitum...
( JKF You ain't seen me, roit?, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 2:58, Reply)

And
That "Lil" American christian nazi anti abortion thing. truly horrible. sorry if it's a respazz but it eserves more than one post.
(frithy, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 2:29, Reply)

Well...
Someone has mentioned James Last. Has anyone heard his *rendition* of blue monday? very very very wrong....
(frithy, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 2:26, Reply)

survivor
Not the Destiny's Child song, but the one by christian pop rocker Phil Keaggy. If you've heard it you'll know it cos it goes "and they take away my life" and is probably the most cliched classic rock song ever written.

Oh dear.....
(coldjam, Thu 4 Dec 2003, 2:15, Reply)