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Guess what my parent-in-laws got me for my birthday (which is tommorow).
In fact, don't guess, I'll tell you; two magazines and the local paper. This is because they got me a WHSmith voucher, possibly the worst present ever.
Still, better than what I got off my scum brother-in-law. A card with pictures of wine all over it. I don't even drink. No present. If we did they to them, they'd kick up an almighty fuss. Fucking scum cunts.
The nice brother-in-law is coming around tonight. They asked what I wanted. I said any Marx Brothers DVD. Last time they asked what I wanted I said an HMV voucher. They got me a fucking useless Lovefilm voucher. I expect a DVD of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps from them tonight.
I hate birthdays. You have to be grateful for shit from shit people. Forum banter no offence.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:26, archived)
It's my birthday on Sunday
I expect crap gifts that I couldn't give a shit about
(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:28, archived)
Cunts. All of them.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:28, archived)
Although some people said that there'd be "a suprise"
which I'm sure will be some hilarious way of taking the piss out of me for their enjoyment, rather than something I actually want.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:29, archived)
People are pricks.
I hate birthdays.
Fuck everything.
I wish I was dead.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
Happy birthday

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
It's not until tomorrow.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:31, archived)
My wife and parents are taking me for a surprise meal at a carvery tomorrow night.
I don't like carveries.
They do.
I like chinese.
Everyone knows this.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:32, archived)
Maybe they're making you think you're going to a carvery, but actually they'll take you to a chinese.
And then not let you order the duck.
(I helped save b3ta! Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:34, archived)
Turn up to the carvery like you're in Tianemen Square during the student protests.
Lay down in front of cars trying to get in to the car park, etc.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 19 May 2009, 15:34, archived)
I just might.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
Insist on eating your carvery food with chopsticks.

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
I might fake illness.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
Or run away to North London
and I'll buy you some Chinese food. The place up the road is lovely.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:36, archived)
Deal.
Can I have sex with you too.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:37, archived)
That's what I really want.
Chinese food and some dirty sex.
I'll get a carvery and a wank when the wife's nodded off instead.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:38, archived)
I was happy until my birthday came along.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:38, archived)
That's a lie

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:43, archived)
Yes, I'm sure they won't mind.

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:38, archived)
Have a good day

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:32, archived)
Have a good time

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:37, archived)
I've updated my fan club page.
This has NOTHING to do with your PODCAST.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 19 May 2009, 15:31, archived)
I am a tacit supporter of your fan club and commend it.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:32, archived)
Set fire to them.
Fire solves everything.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
Yeah,
this reminds me far too much of most of my childhood.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:28, archived)
All the best people have their birthdays this week

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:28, archived)
And Red Rocket.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:28, archived)
Jonny Catfish has the same birthday as me.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
Where is mongy today.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:29, archived)
Gone to buy a fence.
I hear he doesn't have one.
HAHAHAHA
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:29, archived)
I do not like receiving presents.
I would like to thank all of b3ta for not getting me birthday presents last year.

And I would like to thank baldmonkey for not lying about eggs this time.
(I helped save b3ta! Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:29, archived)
you're welcome

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
For my flatmates birthday a week ago,
I got him a tomato plant. Because he eats a lot of tomatoes.
(I helped save b3ta! WHARRGARBL, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
I heard about my own surprise party the office were planning for me
I categorically stated that no celebration of this event should be held, and that I would take the day off work if necessary.

Based on the amount of tears this caused, I now know that 3.6 women in the office fancy me, and possibly one bloke if he doesn't have hay fever instead.
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
Wankers.
Fucking cock end tip nibblers.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:31, archived)
You're going to be hit by a bus tonight.

(I helped save b3ta! Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 19 May 2009, 15:30, archived)
I dont expect presents from family on my birthday
There's a girl at work who bitches about such things like its her god-given right to get expensive things given to her.

Dont turn into the girl at my work balders:(
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:31, archived)
I'd rather they didn't bother.
But all of them would behave like complete fucking cunts if they received similar treatment.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:34, archived)
I got tonnes of cool stuff for my birthday.
People mustn't like you very much, you shit.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:32, archived)
Maybe he just doesn't bang on about it for three months before the event.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:33, archived)
Maybe he should.
He might get cool stuff then.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:34, archived)
Pfft
Harsh
(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
I ALWAYS just ask for money.
simple, no shit presents.

I don't like birthdays much. I love attention but undeserved attention makes me feel really awkward.
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:33, archived)
I deserve attention.
My wife and parents got me stuff I wanted. But that's because I went out and bought it for them.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
I only ever want easy stuff.
My family write lists and we get whatever is on there.

All of the things I like I can't trust people to get. If I say 'An Xbox Game' I'll get a shit one, same goes for 'Martial Arts DVD'

One girlfriend bought me martial arts DVDs as presents as I was buying her designer goods. They were all ones that I had on display in my bedroom too. I basically got backup copies of my DVD collection...
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:42, archived)
If I ask my parents for anything specific,
there are only two possible outcomes:
1. they'll find some cheap and nasty imitation of what I asked for that they are convinced is "the exact same" and that you're only paying for the brand name,
2. they'll not manage to find it on sale anywhere so instead get me something completely irrelevant to everything in the entire world. Like a battery-powered perpetual motion machine or some thermal mittens from Hawkshead, and then deny that I ever said I don't like Hawkshead.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:49, archived)
I always get money,
I don't ask for it I just get it anyway out of habit. My Nanna makes me feel kind of guilty every time, because she always demands to know what I've spent my money on, and I haven't spent it on anything because I don't want anything and I'd rather just keep the money just in case I need it some day.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:45, archived)
Burn all your Podcasts on a DVD for them for christmas
That'll learn them
(I helped save b3ta! Gooch Is neither here nor there, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
I think I will.
I fucking will.
And I'll glue it into their DVD players.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:36, archived)
I'm never fussed if people get me stuff for my birthday
All I usually do is throw a party and let people mess up my flat and be sick in the corners. I'm nice, me.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:35, archived)
That's what I'm doing
although it's my housemates flat not mine.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:36, archived)
It's the hypocrisy that pisses me off.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:36, archived)
Yeah, it would annoy me if people had strops about wanting fantastic gifts
But couldn't be arsed putting the same amount of care and attention into giving gifts.

I just get around this by forgetting everyone's birthdays.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:38, archived)
I'm all for this.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:39, archived)
It's much easier to annihilate your entire circle of friends
so that you don't have any birthdays to forget
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:41, archived)
Oh I'm on this path as well
Won't be long now until they abandon me. And let's face it, they should.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:42, archived)
Get over it

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:39, archived)
Suck an aviary.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:39, archived)
Snap yourself out of it man, cheer up.

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:44, archived)
Refuse to get out of bed
if they start moaning or whinging, call them selfish bastards who want to celebrate for their own reasons rather than because of you. Then punch them.
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:40, archived)
Hah!
I know exactly how you feel. I always end up getting THE most generic brthday/Christmas gifts from the family (Lynx box-sets for fucks sakes. And socks.). Its as though no-one has bothered to pay any attention at all to anything that interests me, but if I do the same back, I never hear the end of it. And fuck 'the thought that counts', I know they pick things up at the pound shop or chemists because they feel they have to give something.

It's all very petty I suppose, but yeah. It annoys the piss out of me.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 19 May 2009, 15:52, archived)
did you even get a birthday shag?

(I helped save b3ta! Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 15:42, archived)
Only from
my mum.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 19 May 2009, 16:01, archived)