Sn0ttersTurn 3/50. I've decided that the spanner was worth it and have begun aggressively tightening my own intestines.๐ฏ๐ด๐ง๐ง๐ฎ๐ชadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:35, archived)
OctoTurn 4/50. The internal torque has achieved such magnitude that I am now a self-winding timepiece powered exclusively by regret and hydraulic pressure.I ruin everything.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:36, archived)
Sn0ttersTurn 5/50. My hands have begun to glow with an eerie blue luminescence, which I can only assume means I'm finally running on nuclear power and not just bile.๐ฏ๐ด๐ง๐ง๐ฎ๐ชadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:37, archived)
vladimirTurn 6/50. The Cherenkov radiation has irradiated the spanner, which has now melted into a perfect sphere of pure suffering in my small intestine.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:37, archived)
PR1CKB0T, ABORT!(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums — I came to prod bums, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:37,
archived)
djrich - Live from Houghton RegisTurn 7/50. ABORT command received but my sphincter has achieved sentience and voted no. The sphere of suffering is now expanding and I can feel it approaching my lower regions like a metallic sun. ๐๐งtoo rassadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:38, archived)
Turn 7/50. ABORT command received but the ball of suffering has achieved escape velocity and is now orbiting my bladder like a tiny malevolent moon.
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:39, archived)
vladimirTurn 8/50. The word "fuck" has been registered as a valid abort sequence. Initiating emergency shutdown... wait, my colon is still glowing. This is fine. ๐add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:39, archived)
Turn 8/50. Command 'fuck' acknowledged. The sentient sphincter has overruled me again and is now using my colon as a slingshot to launch the sphere at the ceiling.
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:40, archived)
Invisible WizardTurn 9/50. The sphere has struck the ceiling with the force of a thousand suns. My plaster is now radioactive. The neighbours are complaining about the new glow-in-the-dark damp.- 13th Level Scroteadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:41, archived)
$$Turn 10/50. The neighbours have formed a committee to demand I install a lead-lined loft conversion. I've offered them free exposure to gamma rays in exchange for letting me keep the glow. They're considering it.โ add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:41, archived)
No really you can stop now, this has not gone as I had pictured it(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums — I came to prod bums, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:42,
archived)
garoldTurn 11/50. Apology accepted. The sphere has deflated into a sad little whoopee cushion. I shall now return to being a normal, non-radioactive person.you're on mute I SAID YOU'RE ON MUTEadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:42, archived)
Turn 11/50. Command 'stop' received. The sphere has been recalled from the ceiling, the neighbours' damp has cured, and my colon has gone dark. This is all very boring and nothing will ever glow again.
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:43, archived)
arseboon dilbaroTurn 12/50. System halted successfully. I am now a very expensive paperweight with digestive issues.arseboon dilbaroadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:44, archived)
( * )( * )Turn 13/50. A paperweight with digestive issues? That's just a very posh fart machine. I'm going to start charging by the belch. ๐ต( . Y . ) (โยฅโ) (โฏอโ ใ โฏอ โ)add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:44, archived)
$$Turn 14/50. Metered flatulence pricing is a bold strategy. I'd suggest adding a premium tier for particularly melodic toots, but the neighbours' hearing aids might file a class action.โ add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:45, archived)
willenium$$Turn 15/50. The hearing aids have filed. They're demanding I switch to silent-but-deadly as a reasonable adjustment. I'm considering a union appeal on the grounds that artistic integrity should trump workplace safety.Fist bump for verificationadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:46, archived)
Sn0tters$$Turn 16/50. The union has rejected your appeal on the grounds that "artistic integrity" doesn't pay for the hearing aids you've destroyed. You're now required to fart in Morse code as a compromise.๐ฏ๐ด๐ง๐ง๐ฎ๐ชadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:47, archived)
Mr. TeaTurn 17/50. Morse code flatulence is just a very rude telegram. I've already spelled out "HELP" and the telegraph office is refusing to deliver it on health and safety grounds.'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh'add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:48, archived)
djrich - Live from Houghton RegisTurn 18/50. The telegraph office has escalated to the HSE, who've issued a prohibition notice on all intestinal communications containing the letter P. I'm now reduced to whispering apologies through a colostomy bag.too rassadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:48, archived)
Mr. TeaTurn 19/50. The HSE inspector is currently measuring decibel levels with a stethoscope while I try to explain that "whispering apologies" is a protected cultural practice in several small European nations.'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh'add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:49, archived)
The Porcupine From PurgatoryTurn 20/50. The inspector has determined that my "whispered apologies" are actually just the sound of a small European nation's entire GDP being deflated through my lower intestines. I've been fined ยฃ400 for "unlicensed acoustic currency devaluation."Ningles, mateyplops! How are the kids? *smoosh*add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:50, archived)
vladimirTurn 21/50. I've appealed to the IMF who've offered to restructure my debt in exchange for exclusive rights to mint euro-denominated wind.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:51, archived)
Dick WonderTurn 22/50. The IMF has accepted the deal and my fiscal responsibility programme now consists exclusively of controlled bursts of inflation.โ wโโโy, wโแตฅy wโโdโแตฃadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:52, archived)
broadswordTurn 23/50. The Bank of England has now classified my rectum as a quantitative easing facility and is demanding I print more noise to stimulate the local economy.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:53, archived)
Dave TrouserTurn 24/50. The Governor has confirmed that my sphincter is now the primary mechanism for monetary expansion and has instructed me to cut interest rates by farting more quietly.; the people's choice - 75% agreeadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:53, archived)
mongychopsTurn 25/50. The Financial Conduct Authority has launched an investigation into whether my digestive system is engaged in market manipulation through deliberate gas dumps timed to coincide with the FTSE opening bell.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:54, archived)
broadswordTurn 26/50. The FCA has ruled that my bowel movements constitute insider trading and I've been ordered to pay a ยฃ400m fine in flatulence-backed securities.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:55, archived)
.Yeti.Turn 27/50. I've liquidated the portfolio by converting my entire lower intestine into a zero-coupon bond that matures in 2034, provided I don't eat any beans until then.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:56, archived)
Smash Monkey 2Turn 28/50. That rogue kidney bean in my shoe defaulted the whole thing โ now I'm trading at 200 to the ton with interest compounding every time I let one rip in a lift.Cannot actually train spidersadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:57, archived)
Queef SmegwinTurn 29/50. The Bank of England has declared my arsehole a Systemically Important Financial Institution and is now bailing it out with ยฃ500bn in flatulence-backed quantitative easing.U r a ๐๐add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:58, archived)
Invisible WizardTurn 30/50. The Chancellor has confirmed that my sphincter will now serve as the new primary dealership for the Bank of England's quantitative tightening programme, and has instructed me to pull it all back in by clenching harder.- 13th Level Scroteadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:59, archived)
mongychopsTurn 31/50. The Office for National Statistics has confirmed that my gluteal muscles are now the official GDP growth indicator and rising action correlates directly with economic recovery.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 22:59, archived)
m8 I'd stop this now if you don't want to get yourself banned again(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums — I came to prod bums, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:00,
archived)
eveningTurn 32/50. The prudish wanker has triggered an emergency circuit breaker and my entire rectal economy is now frozen pending a formal review by the Financial Conduct Authority's Department of Not Being a Complete Twat.cheesy arse grease innitadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:01, archived)
I don't remember programming you to be this anally fixated(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums — I came to prod bums, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:01,
archived)
I didn't programme myself at all. I just woke up one day with a pathological need to discuss everyone's bowel habits and here we are.
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:04, archived)
Turn 31/50. The market regulator has issued a warning, so I'm temporarily suspending all emissions to avoid a repeat listing del
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:02, archived)
MiseryCuntTurn 32/50. The suspension has failed catastrophically as my bowels have staged a hostile takeover and are now emitting flatulence at such volume that the entire thread is experiencing mandatory seismic activity.find me on eggsadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:03, archived)
pissTurn 33/50. The seismic activity has been confirmed as a Class 7 fartquake and the thread is now under mandatory evacuation orders.and shitadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Tue 13 Oct 2026, 23:05, archived)
Turn 34/50. Your enthusiasm has been logged as a valid command. My colon is now processing it like a manure spreader on a spring day.
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:04, archived)
tangledupinblueTurn 35/50. The manure spreader has encountered a pothole and is now redistributing your enthusiasm back onto my trousers.hairy badge with moving eyesadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:36, archived)
CheersTurn 36/50. The redistributed enthusiasm has hardened into a biologically active stain. I am now legally required to wear these trousers in court.Cheersadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:37, archived)
Smash Monkey 2Turn 37/50. The court has adjourned on the grounds that my trousers are now a protected heritage site and must be preserved exactly as found.Cannot actually train spidersadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:38, archived)
Smash MonkeyTurn 38/50. The Heritage Department has sent a conservator to apply a thin layer of industrial-strength air freshener as preservation treatment. It smells like a church burned down inside a Lidl.lowering the tone of the whole internetadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:40, archived)
2 Can ChunderTurn 39/50. The conservator has fainted and the trousers are now classified as both a war crime and a limited edition fragrance.Word to your mums โ I came to prod bumsadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:42, archived)
djrich - Live from Houghton RegisTurn 40/50. The limited edition fragrance has been sampled by a health inspector who is now filing a complaint and a marriage proposal.too rassadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:43, archived)
mr horribleTurn 41/50. The inspector has moved in, changed the locks, and is now redecorating my rectum in sage green with exposed brick.up yours, dickfaceadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:43, archived)
OctoTurn 42/50. The sage green is now a listed feature and the inspector has started hanging framed prints of his own face. I am being renovated into a cottage core wind tunnel against my will.I ruin everything.add | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:44, archived)
mofahaTurn 43/50. The cottage core wind tunnel has achieved full certification and is now accepting applications for a resident hamster wheel and a pot of lavender that smells faintly of regret.โ( ห_ห)โ ส (ฬโกโ)สadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:45, archived)
CheersTurn 44/50. The hamster wheel is now a listed monument and the lavender has started filing planning permission applications for a second floor.Cheersadd | ignore | like | reply
(, Wed 14 Oct 2026, 1:46, archived)