Spiders
While living in a van in New Zealand, a white-tail spider took up residence in our Toyota Hi-Ace, and bit me in my sleep. It bit me right in the middle of the forehead, leaving a huge lump, which as it subsided revealed a big, funny shaped abscess under the surface. It left a big scar, but not in the shape of a lightning bolt a la Harry Potter...oh no, my scar looks just like a disabled toilet sign. Or, depending on who you talk to, a large breasted woman sitting on the toilet
(superfuzz56, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 9:11, 3 replies)

When I lived at home with my parents...
...We had a black cat called shadow (named, strangely enough, after the gladiator because the cat was good at duel, we were innocent enough kids not to notice the racist cat-naming)
Anyway, Shadow was good at collecting things, he would bring us other cats collars which we could return to the owners (but strangely none of his own) he also stole sausages off peoples barbeques, ham off sandwiches whilst they were being made (a story told to us by another cat owner as we were returning her cat's collar) and even a little girl's bracelet which never made it back to us. we had a bawling child at the door after that one.

anyway, one sunny day when we were sitting outside shad starts meowing from somewhere. eager to see what other treasure this cat had for us, we look to the source of the meowing. after a few moments he comes out of the bush looking very worried and with something large and bright yellow in his mouth. he ran to us and we realised it wasn't in his mouth, but attatched to his collar. we also realised that it was...

a budgie

this bird had somehow escaped from its home and decide to attack the black killing machine, obviously not an intelligent budgie as birds were shad's favourite, but it had got itself attatched to his collar in the tustle.

Shadow was understandably confused as his favourite prey had first atacked him and then got itelf somewhere he couldn't reach it to eat the tasty yellow thing.

in the end we detatched them and put the budgie in a cage borrowed from one of the local cat owners we had grown friendships with whilst returning their many cat collars. we found it a home.

but remember if you have a budgie be careful, he'd eat you and everyone you care about if he had the chance...

Length, not too long, but canary yellow!
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 25 Apr 2008, 9:03, Reply)

As we've all been here before

and there is a lot of goat sex chat going on anyway.

I'm interested to see, if your life depended on it, what animal you would shag and why?

personally I think I would shave a lemur...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:57, 3 replies)

Bloody Animal Activists...
Having lived on a farm in Ireland for a while, I'd like to think I'm slightly more clued up on the 'countryside code' than most - i.e. don't leave gates open, don't worry livestock, don't engage in stupid acts of wannabe eco-warrior terrorism in the name of animal rights... that sort of thing.

However, some people....

When I was but a young'un - we visited the grandparents on their rather nice plot of farmland in Kerry. Now said Grandparents had given up the farming business and Grandpa Coops had taken up fishing... in a big way. He'd got all his mates down from the pub, hired a JCB and dug himself a virtual fish farm where the grazing land once stood. Then filled it with freshwater breeding stock. Then went even more eco-friendly and started to encourage wild deer, game birds.etc onto the land to make the place look like the set of a sickly Disney movie - there where wild animals everywhere.

Then one day, some well meaning, guardian reading, leftie, sandle wearing goddamn hippies broke into a mink farm about 15 miles away...

...and all hell broke loose. Previously contained species of mink (think half rat, half ferret - but with the eating habits of vampires) spread out over the countryside and started to breed. and eat. fish.
From Granddad's ponds.

Overpopulation and the resulting carnage meant that at the tail-end of this mink escapage, the little bastards were getting more desperate for food and were willing to take more risks - small dogs, cats and even the odd pet rabbit were attacked and mauled. There were scare stories about not leaving prams outside "just incase".

So imagine my horror at the scene of devistation one moring - half eaten brown trout everywhere, lying on the banks of the pond. It looked like the invasion scene from Saving Private Ryan. So we cleared up as best we could, then hit on a cunning plan - cut back some of the vegitation that surrounded the biggest pond, and open up what we later called 'the killing field'. We set traps, laid bait and then sat on the back porch and waited - armed with a shotgun each. Soon, we had our first victim, the slimey rodent had tried to make it to the pond, but didn't quite get there. That didn't stop some of his mink brothers and sisters trying too. One by one the little bastards tried to attack, all were sent to furry hell by a 12bore...

Apologies for length, but it had 2 barrels.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:38, 3 replies)

Goats
I saw a Japanese man attacked by a goat last night.
Well, I say attacked, it licked him a bit.
And I say saw, well I did it was on the telly.
He took it like a real Hiro.

/coat.
Length, short thankfully.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:35, Reply)

A bird shat on my windscreen.
I gave up on internet dating.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:33, 1 reply)

As B3ta can't be arsed to set "new" QOTWs
Have a random answer copied from the Premonitions qotw ages ago, as there is no point telling you about my stupid cats yet again.

"Honest guv I weren't even there
When I was about 16 I worked in a hardware shop during school holidays & weekends. One evening I had a rather vivid dream about the shop being burgled. The next morning, walking in to work I bumped into the manageress. Walking along chatting merrily, I heard an alarm bell in the distance and joked that it was probably our shop as I'd dreamed we'd been burgled.

Lo and behold, get to the shop and it is indeed our alarm going off. Cue remarkable expression of horror / sudden realisation / uttter hatred on the face of managaress, and no doubt, an equally vivid expression of "oh shit" / "wish I hadn't said that" / "I'm about to befoul my underwear" upon my own face.

It didn't get much better, the culprits had evidently got in by kicking in a skylight window directly above a stockroom shelf which I had been up pissing around on the day before, kicking stock off for my workmate Greg to catch, with my footprints & fingerprints all over the place.

Shortly thereafter I found myself sat in front of some officers of her majesty's constabulary sobbing like a baby and desperately pleading that I really really really wasn't a burgling footpad with the audacity to turn up at the scene of the crime the next day and brag about my exploits.

I was only saved by the belated and spectacular realisation by the police several hours later that, although the skylight glass had been booted in, the metal bars underneath were very much intact, and as I was considerably less than six inches wide then neither myself - nor anybody else - had actually managed to get in.

And the manageress didn't even apologise. Hairy faced bitch.
(Soapy Norris, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 17:50, Ignore, Reply) "
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:17, Reply)

Panda 1 Man 0
A real story from my journalism days in China

A drunk man leaped into Beijing Zoo's panda enclosure on Tuesday and found himself tussling with the paddock's denizen after his initial desire for "an intimate touch" proved unpopular with the panda. The man was rescued and hospitalized soon and the panda was isolated, a zoo official said.

Zhang Xinyan, 35, a Henan construction worker working in Renqiu, Hebei Province, traveled to Beijing for a two-day visit to see the panda. According to the Beijing Morning Post, he drank four jugs of beer at a nearby restaurant before staggering to the panda house.

The incident happened at 2:40 PM. Zhang said he suddenly felt an urge to touch the panda. Acting on his urge, he removed his coat and jumped into the panda's playground area profiting from the low fence.

Gu Gu, fast asleep at the time, did not immediately sense his guest and woke up startled. Zhang later explained that he is short-sighted and made a beeline for the panda, wanting to see it clearly and to hug it. Rudely awoken, Gu Gu avenged himself by sinking his teeth into Zhang's right leg.

As pain jolted through Zhang's leg, a red mist descended over him and war was declared. To retaliate, Zhang aimed a kick at the bear which fought back. Furious, Zhang dug his teeth into the bear's back in a maneuver that only highlighted the evolutionary advantages pandas possess over men. The tussle continued for 15 minutes until a zookeeper came to the rescue, spraying the panda with water and rescuing the fighter. Zhang was taken to hospital while Gu Gu was isolated.

"I used to see pandas on TV. They are so cute and friendly, eating bamboos and shaking hands with people. How could I imagine it would bite me?" Zhang said afterwards at the People's Hospital.

Zoologists explained that the giant panda is actually a wild animal that will attack when threatened.

The doctor treating the man said the muscle of his right leg was badly hurt though the bone was unharmed. It will take him at least two weeks to fully recover and his family has been contacted.

A female official of Beijing Zoo's information office told China.org.cn in a telephone interview today that they are very concerned about the man's health, and that no punishment had been considered as of yet.

"We have paid all his medical bills in advance. He has no money right now. And if we later find his family's financial situation isn't good enough, we will not ask him to pay us back. Now we think the most important thing is to cure him." She said, adding that the panda was shocked and had lost appetite. "It seems to feel a bit better today."

The police investigating the incident stated that forensic evidence confirmed Zhang's inebriated state and his violation of zoo regulations. Police said they will wait until Zhang recovers to give him punishment.

Wang Baoqiang, vice president of Beijing Zoo, said that the man should be responsible for his actions, calling him "a grown man, not a psycho."

However, since unsurprisingly no law exists defending pandas from being beaten up, the man may not be found guilty of startling and biting the panda, regarded as one of China's most valuable treasures.

Wang also said that Beijing Zoo is installing electric monitors, one of which will keep an eye on the panda's playground in the future. He hoped tourists would improve their behavior and follow the rules, instead of needing to heighten the fence or erect protection glass.

The zoo and the animal would not be held responsible, said Liu Zhihui, a civil law professor from China University of Political Science and Law, since Zhang blithely ignored danger signs around the enclosure.

Zhang Xinyan is not the first to be hurt by the cute-looking animal. In February 2004, a student was bitten by a panda when he tried to please his girl by trespassing on the panda's territory.

There is no indication yet as to whether Zhang will challenge the panda to a rematch.
(chrisdalby, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:16, Reply)

As B3ta can't be arsed to set "new" QOTWs
Have a random answer copied from the minicabs from hell ages ago, as there is no point telling you about my stupid cats again

"Ok, It's not a taxi story so much as a shit joke that started as an urban legend in 2001
You probably got this one in UK too, but had to share it...

Guy gets into a taxi and finds a wallet. turns out to belong to the (assumed terrorist nationality) cabbie's friend who want's to reward the guy's honesty by giving him some advice:

"dont go into parramatta (read: essex) on new years eve."

"why mate, is there a bomb going to blow?"

"nah, it's a shithole."
( gronkpan SHITRAGS! - www.shitrags.blogspot.com, Thu 27 May 2004, 15:43, Ignore, Reply) "
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:13, Reply)

I meant well.
I didn't think it was nutritionally right that the pelican should eat the batter on my lunchtime fish cocktail. I began peeling the lardy, crunchy bits off the fishy morsel for my patient, jowly maritime friend in as PC and tree-huggy a fashion as possible.

5 seconds later I was armpit-deep in pelican creel (that's what the baggy bit on the beak is called). He'd gotten tired of waiting. He was also rather reluctant to let go of my arm. The texture of the inside of a pelican's creel is not altogether unpleasant, but that pointy hooked bit on the end of its beak certainly is if you have to drag the length of your arm past it and its owner has a vice-like grip.

Interesting scar, to this day.
(lonelybadger, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 8:02, Reply)

Flies
Here in Australia we have the flies, often in swarms. One day when on a picnic with my bitchy ex, out in a really lovely secluded spot miles away from anywhere, no sooner had we got our blanket/hamper/goodies sorted than we were descended upon by a huge swarm of buzzing bastard flies. This was a serious swarm too, even by Australian standards: several feet deep and several feet thick. In fact, there were so many of them that they encased my ex and carried her off! I never saw her again.

Well, you bought the dingo story...
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 5:06, Reply)

ok i did my joke
serious stuff to follow, whatever happened to dog licences?. i am a responsible dog owner.
i pick up my dogs waste unless it is mostly liquid (my dog has bad guts) i keep him on a lead at all times when he is out unless there are no other dogs anywhere near
(had to start walking him at unsocialable hours not because of my dog being bad)
sorry i should say i have a staffordshire bull terrier and they get a lot of stick. in my personal oppinion (and oppinions are like arseholes everyone has one) staffies are great loving dogs especialy with children
my nephews and neices often rode baron like a poney when he was younger.
that said a lot of kids too young to know the kind of animal they were looking after are allowed to have these dogs.
this i disagree with. i was walking my dog recently and got bit although my dog is well behaved i have had to get in between more dog fights than i would like to.
silly feckers who walk their dog OFF THE LEAD when they have no controll over their animal have caused me quite a few stitches and even more scar tissue (Az will back me on this one) and breathe.. rant over
(Patfish, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 4:04, 2 replies)

Trout have teeth.
Oh yes, the little fuckers do.
Catch one, stick a pair of needle nose pliers down their throat to get the hook out so you can gently stick it back in the water.......they WILL bite you! Hard!
But not as bad as catfish. Common misconception is that catfish whiskers are poisonous. Not at all. They have barbs on their fins, actually. And they're fucking sharp. The correct way to handle a catfish is to hold your right hand behind the fins on their side, and then hold you left hand behind their dorsal fin - that way the barbs won't get you.
Heaven help you if you're too drunk and it's your first time catching one.......blood, pierced hand.....stinging pain and infection for a week afterwards....
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 3:46, 3 replies)

bloodsucking vampire tanks
Me and a good friend of mine decided that as we were in our early twentys we needed a way to prove our manhood.

Found a website selling crossbows, at half price too. Well that is an opertunity one needs to take, £15 crossbow = very poor aiming but resonably powerfull.
A weeks impationt wait.
Googlemaps provided us with what seemed like a reasonably sized forest, so off we treked in my van.
As soon as we were at the forest in front of us a good 200meters away were 3 fine looking deer. hrmmmmmmm is what we thought, 15 pound weapon vs deer, we stumbled all around the sides to reach the sexy looking beasts, gettting closer, fwappp. Some bugger had left half a wire fence in the ground, flat on face all the deer were no more. never to be found over the next few hours. No rabbits or any other furries, what a waste of camo belts on head (plonkers). stumbled over some shotgun shells and felt a little out of our depth with fellow hunters that must have been using supperior weaponry so we left.

The animals attack - more like insects in the form of ticks.

I had never heard of ticks previously, had a phonecall from fellow hunter the next day inquiring if i had any spider things stuck in skin, took shower and inspected body. Absolutly everywhere, looked on wikipedia to found out what was eating me and how to remove them, decided on pliers. 28 in total. when ripped out with pliers they would still crawl away on the desk, indestructible tanklike insects.

Led in bed a few days later picking at belly button, and you guessed it found another one of my friends in there.

nature 1
me -1

think i shall be kinder to nature from now on, god taught me my lesson in the for of tinylings.

lenght ? size of a mouses nipple

*pop*
(Lord Potato, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 3:39, 1 reply)

i was stung by a bee once....
Five pounds for a jar of honey......


not mine dont know who to credit it to but i had to post it anyway :D
(Patfish, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 3:35, 2 replies)

swans are very misleading
they look all nice and elegant but if you get to close THEY WILL MESS YOU UP.
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 3:13, Reply)

Meh
The then missus and I went to one of those safari park things once where you drive about and look at the prisoners critters. They wouldn't let us in the lions enclosure. Something about it being too dangerous in a soft top convertible. How piss weak is that! I've got cats of my own at home, so I know what I am doing around them...
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 3:02, Reply)

Wild Horses
So I was camping in the New Forrest with gf of the time and we'd had a lovley Bank Holiday weekend. But we decided to have an extra day and go back to work later than everyone else.

Evening before we leave, the campsite is pretty empty and we are cooking some dinner on a small stove. Anyway gf turns to me and says there is a horse over there... oh yea I note. Suddenly said horse is quite a bit closer and snarling. So I stand up to shoo it away (quite a big horesy thing taller than me and I'm 6ft and its a bit skanky actually too).

It looks at me then the food, some stew cooking on the stove, loaf of bread laid out and some rice. So it comes forwards and tries to kick my gf and bite some food.

I push it hard away and it tries to kick me too, as I'm still trying to be basically nice I push it hard again. It takes a bite out of the loaf, plastic wrapper included and I'm thinking that'll give you indegestion... but it trys to kick me again now its eaten my loaf for my lunch for tomorrow......

So I'm not up for being kicked and I step back and punch it in the head. This gets its attention and it tries to kick me again so I lean into this next punch and it staggers then fucks off.

Not big or clever, but if people didn't try and feed wild horses, they would remain still scared of humans and we wouldn't have to interact with them like so...
Length, it was at least as long as a car :)
( b3tz, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 1:24, 4 replies)

I guy I used to work with...
in Eastbourne, was walking down the street one day on his lunch break, just about to tuck into his Marks and Spencers sarnie, when he was abruptly twatted about the head.
As he turned to find out what had happened, a seagull tore his sandwich from his hand, fucked off to a safe distance and scoffed the lot.
Cue much laughing from a bunch of exchange students.

This happens all the time - if you're ever in Eastbourne (God forbid), take some time to watch the CCTV lamp post just outside Debenhams. They perch on top of it and swoop when they see an opportunity.
Trust me, it's the most entertaining thing to do in Eastbourne by far.

I don't live there anymore...
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 1:11, Reply)

CATS
My friend in work threw a large ball of blue tac at me today. And then he meowed.
It was all quite erotic really, I love cats and he's sexy.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 0:56, Reply)

Goats
Last year, I visited "Africa Alive", in Suffolk. There was the usual petting area, complete with the usual goats. One of these goats appeared, to me, to be either very fat, or very pregnant.

Now, in the petting area, there was one of those machines; insert 20p, turn the handle, get about 10g of generic goat food, and feed it to the goats. Good fun.

This 20p-machine was bolted to a wooden platform, itself bolted to a brick pillar, holding up the sheltered area. Mrs Pregnant Goat had learned that, by standing on her hind legs, keeping her front legs on the pillar, and smacking her horned head against the 20p machine, she could get free pellets. Smart goat. Greedy.. but smart.

She was only getting one or two pellets at a time, though. So she was more than glad to move out the way while a naïve human comes along and gets more pellets, more easily. Mrs Pregnant Goat would then shove the human out the way, and eat the pellets straight from the tray.

I thought this to be hardly fair, as there were other goats, and they seemed to be surviving on the pellets that Mrs Pregnant Goat was accidentally throwing on the floor. Sometimes, she wouldn't care. Other time, she'd see this "theft", get pissed off, and headbutt the younger, smaller, non-impregnated goats.

So I decided to feed the smaller goats. I stuck in my 20p, turned the handle, and as Mrs Pregnant Goat rose up to push me out the way, I was ready. I pushed back. Shocked, she went to all fours, and headbutted me in the shins. The bitch. Undeterred, I did it again. This time, she rose on her hind legs, 'kicking' at me with her front legs, so I had to step back out the way. No way I'm getting into a fist-fight with a pregnant goat. As I stepped back, and as she returned to all fours, she lunged at me with her horns. Smacked me right in the shin. It really hurt. It bruised. Being the brav smart chicken I am, I gave up at this point. I'd managed to feed one or two of the kids pottering around, but it wasn't worth it anymore. I left the enclosure, and the Pregnant Goat followed me to the gate, mocking. When she was sure I'd left, she returned, victoriously, to her pillar, and started smacking her head against the machine again.

Insert appropriate "length" joke here.
( Thinker, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 0:53, 1 reply)

Royal Python
I have a baby Royal Python (lovely colours) and despite me being a considerably larger, stronger creature, every time I feed it it wants my hand instead of a rat pup which it can actually swallow successfully...

On a side note, he's unnervingly intelligent at times. I woke up the other day and looked in the tank to see if he'd eaten both rats I'd left in there. There was one left so I went and got some kitchen roll, and as I ripped it off and went for the tank, he looked at me, then ate the carrion in there. Dirty beggar.
(Mart'n has managed to not be obscene since, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 0:28, Reply)

Wild Turkeys
are indeed wild
and apparently, with the provocation of walking up to them
will position themselves completely flat, neck fully stretched out, and run towards you like fucking torpedoes
fucking wild turkey torpedoes
the horror
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 23:59, Reply)

when humans attack back
geography field trip to North Wales in the heady days of 2007, after half a day of standing by a river making up rock sizes in the upper course of the river we went back to the minibus to go to the middle course and make up more rock sizes. Sensing a chance to tire out his labrador Mr.G has brought his dog along for the day.
now to the actual attack, half the group were now at the minibus with Mr.G and Mr.C waiting for the others to arrive. dog trots off, no-one really notices until it cries out in pain after being attacked by a rottweiler, or some such type of aggresive, ugly dog. Naturall Mr.G takes exception to this and aims to separate the two. Did i mention Mr.G ('Beefy Steve') is a late 40s former prop for Cambridge? sort of bloke who would drink a pint of vodka for a laugh. Anyway I digress, Mr.G proceeds to use size 9 steel capped walking boots on this dark mass which is taking chunks out of his dog and separates the two.
Then realises he is conveniently holding a large metal chain, so starts twatting the dog one, rightly so. rottweiler trots off tail between legs towards car park and owners.
by this stage the entire group is back and about to get on the minibus when a car pulls up. bloke inside looks at labrador, bleeding and is obviously thinking, "ah labrador owner, pushover" gets out of his car and asks who's dog it is. (in a comical Welsh accent, which sounded like a bad impression, but unfortunately wasn't. he is also about 4'3")
"thats mine" intones Mr.G, " i assume the bugger that did that damage is in your car"
there followed some dialogue along the lines of:
WelshTwat: you've injured my bloody dog
Mr.G: that fucker bit my dog, if another dog bites my dog i'll stop the bastard
WT:that's a bloody pedigree dog, if its injur...
MG:that sort of dog should have a fucking muzzle on in public, have you not listened to the news (this was in the weeks when there were a spate of kids being mauled by rottweilers)
WT: listen to me boyo, never hit a dog! i'm going to the police about you, what are your contact details
at this point the welshman looks up and realises he can find all about MrG's employment from the side of the minibus, then looks beside it to see 13 or so 17 year olds, of which 4 are holding ranging poles, 3 are trying to stop the bleeding on the labrador, 3 are cracking their knuckle trying to look intimidating and the rest are laughing at his accent. he took down the school's number and Mr.G's name and fled the scene

unsuprisingly MrG never heard form the police, due to the fact the welshman didn't have a leg to stand on, lab recovered, all was well

length? the metal chain must have been about 3 feet, the ranging poles 2metres...
(FairlieSittingbull, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 23:43, Reply)

my shirt
One summer day I was surveying a field in Clearwater, Florida. It was very hot and I had to chop a line through some brush so I took my shirt off and left it lying on the tailgate of the truck. A liitle while later I heard the guys I was working with laughing and laughing, and I came out of the woods to find that a horse had ambled up and decided to eat my shirt. You understand, these jerks didn't try to dissuade the damned horse, they just stood around pointing and laughing. By the time I got to the horse only one sleeve was still sticking out of its mouth.

As I did not want to spend the rest of the day with no shirt, I grabbed hold of the sleeve and tugged and pulled on it, defaming the horse at the top of my lungs, until the entire shirt came back out of the upper end of the horse's alimentary tract, intact but all covered with horse slobber and little puncture marks and missing a button or two. Stupid horse.
(wkiernan, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 23:41, 2 replies)

May I add this tale of mirth
Sometimes I'm glad I'm not a biker, as this tale will attest. Either way, I fell off my chair when I read this...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 22:59, 1 reply)

My sister...
...was bitten by a møøse. Møøse bites can be quite painful.


Olaf Prøt
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 22:57, 3 replies)

Bilberrying
I went bilberrying with my collie-dog about five or six years ago to a local beauty spot* where there are lots of bilberries to be found. After picking enough as I could carry, we set off back down the hill and came to a field of Shetland ponies.
Shetland ponies aren't vicious - but their owners are. They'd padlocked the gate closed and even though I could get over, I couldn't get the dog to jump the wall. We were stuck. The ponies began to crowd around us, sniffing the bag of bilberries and backing us up against the gate. They kept coming closer, and closer, eventually standing on one of my feet. After I'd been creeped out enough I edged as near to the wall as possible, and decided that I'd have to launch the dog over the wall (no mean feat given that I weigh about the same as the dog - he didn't like being launched at all) and make a getaway.
But that wasn't the end of the adventure - about quarter of a mile down the road, a grey-haired, yellow-eyed dog slunk out of a farm driveway onto the road and started to stare at us. It growled as we advanced, warning us to keep away. When we were ten metres or so from it, it dashed towards us - we leapt over a fence into some tangled woodland to escape. The wood was so thick with brambles and thorns we couldn't move - stuck again. As we moved through the wood the dog followed our progress on the road - we couldn't get back. We just waited in the wood for it to go away, except it wouldn't.
Eventually, we were saved by a farmer's wife who was wielding a sickle ('to clear the ditches and drains'). She sent the evil dog home and we were free again.

Suprising, I have been back there to pick bilberries since - the evil dog must have died since it's been replaced by a collie. That's another story though.


* The carpark to said spot is closed now because it was being used for dogging
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 22:26, Reply)

Stings and their treatment...
On a visit to Thailand, I was happily splashing about in the sea when my frolics were abruptly cut short by sudden intense pain. I ran out and inpected the damage: a jellyfish had left an angry red welt on my stomach. If you've never been savaged by one of those gelatinous denizens of the deep, it hurts like fuck for about ten minutes, continues to hurt like buggery for about half an hour, then gradually tails off to a low-level pain that just makes you snuffle a bit.

Various kind people offered advice:

1. Piss on it (the classic remedy) - tempting, but rather awkward to implement in public without a certain loss of dignity.
2. Rub it with vinegar - a less unpleasant alternative to piss, but, Thailand having a dirth of fish and chip shops, I couldn't locate any.
4. Smear banana on the affected area - a local tip from a nice Thai lady who gave me a banana she happened to have about her person to use for this very purpose. It worked a bit, but probably not as well as piss or vinegar.
5. Stop winging, you Pommie bastard - an Australian gentleman consoled me with the words - "If that'd been a box jellyfish, you'd be dead by now."
( enceladus, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 21:53, 1 reply)

Went to post a letter on the way into work the other day
I bike into work and go the long way round as there's less traffic and it's a lot nicer. I go through some little villages and one has a post box outside the village shop - perfect for posting my letter.

I get there and lean my bike up against the phone box. There are two lovely white westies tied up to a pole while their owner (an old lady) was in the shop.
They were both sitting there cutely looking at me, heads at 45 degrees trying to figure out who this stranger in the village was.
I greet the dogs and go over to the post box and they keep looking at me inquisitively.
Only when I am about 2 inches from the letter box (and from the dogs) do they jump at me barking and trying to start a fight with me. The owner told them to shut up and they whimpered away.

I promptly left the village and carried on to work.

Length: 14.5 miles of rural hilly cycling is a great way to start the day.
( thistle, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 21:41, 1 reply)