Old bad tempered cat Mog
My last cat was old and I was sitting on the floor with my legs flat out in front on me, watching TV. In walked Mog who proceeded to jump over my legs to get past. Cue me (cruel bastard that I am) lifting my legs up so can't get past.

She cleared my legs and walked further down the room till she must have thought to herself "What a bastard".

She turned round, walked right up to me, onto my legs and sat on my thighs. She then proceeded to climb up further and slap me in the face (No claws or anything. Just a paw'y slap).

Then she just wandered off as if nothing had happened.
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Chunks
My Uncle once visited a pet shop and pressed himself up against a birdcage to see the parakeets etc. (he was pretty young at the time). Apparently one of the little bastards flew straight at his face and took a chunk out of his nose.

Also, my step-sister once starteed crying when a huge cow moo'd loudly when she was standing next to it in the New Forest.
(yiddo, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:22, Reply)

Have you got a cat?
Feed it chicken curry

Marvel as the cat fights an inner battle with Chickeny goodness and curry badness and ends up running around like a loony sticking it's toungue out.

Waaaaaaay off topic i know but I think it's funny.

Length gives better stability in the wet.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:20, Reply)

Hamsters are omnivorous!
My younger brother read this fascinating fact many years ago as a hamster-owning 12-year-old.

Now at the time, our hamster - we'll call him "Nibbles", cos that was his name - was very well fed on fresh fruit and veg every day.

Upon learning that Nibbles would enjoy a meaty treat, my brother pops out into the back garden before school one morning and brings back the biggest, fattest, juiciest worm ever (still very alive) for Nibbles to feast upon.

He takes it to the hamster cage and starts to pass it through the bars to the very pleased looking Nibbles.

Interesting fact about hamsters... they are VERY territorial. You can keep mice or rats or gerbils in the same cage... but NEVER male hamsters because they will literally fight to the death.

So, nice juicy wriggly worm is being gobbled down (whole) by Nibbles. Being a very alive worm and not liking the idea of being eaten, it writhes its way back out of the hamster's throat and onto the floor of the cage. My brother, being the helpful sole that he is, decides to pick up the worm to hand it back to the rather miffed looking hamster.

Big mistake!
Hamster thinks that brother is trying to steal his worm.

Hamster decides to sample human finger flesh! Right down to the bone, in fact.
Much, much blood and screaming and rushes to the doctor.

As for the worm? Never made to the bars of the cage. Swallowed whole. Yum!
(IcePimp, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:13, Reply)

Paaaarp!!!!
A mate got a new dog - Doberman, of course. The thing was nice as pie on my first visit, even falling asleep on my feet while me and mate watched a movie.

It being not a bad movie (I forget which now, strangely) I gave it the customary round of applause at which point Zoltan awoke looking confused and hurled itself gnashers-first at my throat.

Luckily it didn't get me and as mate had a rather small mother who might not fare as well he sent it back to it's previous owner.

I suggested he got a kitten instead...

It's not too long and that's how I like it.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:10, Reply)

I am aware of a lady...
...who was stung by a wasp. Repeatedly. In the ear.
Wasp crawled into her ear (like you do) and then stung her. Ear canal swells up. Wasp is trapped. Trapped wasp is not happy and stings more.
Lady in question now has a stinging wasp, trapped inside her ear, buzzing at her ear-drum, while she tries to run away from her own head. Still being stung, she is taken to hospital, quite hysterical by now. This goes on for hours while doctors work out how to kill the trapped wasp.

She's totally deaf in that ear now.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Monkey Magic
Magic? They're little fuckers, they really are.
Halfway through a very steep and extremely hot climb up a Buddhist temple in Asia I needed to sit down. I'm not joking, in seconds there were three of them surrounding around mee, screamng and bareing their evil yellow little teeth. As they started jumping up and down and waving their arms, I panicked. I did the only thing I could think of to distract them - throwing what was in my hand and hoping they'd run after it. Did I throw the piece of fruit in my right hand, that in restrospect they might have been after? No. I threw what was in my left hand. My wallet.
And the next night, outside my hotel, one shat on my head.
(mookroolz, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Rock Apes of Gibralter
When I was 13, I went to Gibralter for a couple of days with my parents as part of a holiday trip. While there, we went on tour of the rock and ended up with the Rock Apes.

The tour guide produces some chopped up fruit and starts to feed the lovely people-friendly Apes and all is good. He then proceeds to show the largest ape a piece of fruit and then 'pretends' to stick it down the back of my shirt.

Ape launches itself up onto my shoulders (and it was a big bastard too!!) and small leathery hand goes plunging down the back of my shirt and starts randomly clasping for piece of fruit (which wasnt there.)

After 10 seconds of this the Ape is mightily pissed off that there is no fruit and decides that maybe I have eaten it. Does he attack the bloke who has played the trick on him? No, he seems to favour his chances against the 13 year old much better and starts violently playing the bongo's using with my head as the drum, while his 'legs' are firmly clasped around my shoulders.

Queue 13 year old boy running around with Ape on shoulders like a back-pack, while Ape beats the crap out of him, while about 400 tourists laugh hysteically at my plight!!

Fucking Tour guide. Wanker.

Apologies for length etc....
(hoathenfold, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:03, Reply)

canophobic hilarity
When I was about 8 or 9, in the summer holidays, a mate's dog (a lurcher) jumped up onto the sofa and sank its teeth into my face, tearing my cheek open in a bloody ragged mess of fangs.
Oh how we laughed, as I squirted blood all over the walls and upholstery! I had more stitches than I remember and carry the scars still 25 years later.
The poor dog "was clearly being tormented by me", of course. Its owners didn't punish it in anyway - till it bit a lump out of their toddler's arm a year later. Then they killed it.

I don't like dogs these days.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:02, Reply)

Donkey Mong
I tried it on with the lady selling ass rides (cough) on Scarborough beach, but fucked it up by getting my hand stuck in a donkey's mouth while I was doing it. She had to prise it out with a special stick that she kept in her back pocket.

I don't think she was really in the mood anyway, cuz it was only half ten in the morning, it was absolutely shitting it down and I was completely munted on cooking sherry. :-/
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:01, Reply)

Seagull chicks are
ugly, brown, useless whining things. They wander around carparks, bleating on at their mothers because they're too useless to fly. Their mothers are, for some reason, very protective of their vermin offspring.

A colleague at the hospital I used to work in was walking across the car park with headphones on, and so was unable to hear the chick bleating, and sure as hell couldn't see it because they're the same ugly brown colour as the soil between the concrete slabs (typical NHS car park, that). The first he knew about it was when mother seagull flew directly at the side of his head and brained him - literally, he was knocked right over by this sky weasel. It then came back and shat on his bag for having the audacity to walk in the same car park as this winged turd it called 'junior'.

No apologies.
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:58, Reply)

Rabbits are Evil
Another rabbit related story I'm afraid. But this rabbit we have when kids was a right bastard. It started off small and cute and grew to the size of a large cat. It bit me, pissed in my face and generally attacked anything going. We regularly heard the poor guinea pig being ravished in the early hours.....

Still it got it's come uppance in the end. I was trying to catch it one evening to put it in it's cage and the creature would not be caught, so I thought fuck this it can spend the night in the cold might teach it a lesson. Cue my sister waking up in the morning going downstairs and seeing the dismembered remains of the rabbit all over the lawn. The kindly local fox had decided enough was enough and torn the evil fecker limb from limb.

Still there was one upside though, cats are still too scared to come into our garden due to 'flopsies' reign of terror almost a decade ago.

Myohmy what an interesting story........
(myohmy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Jellyfish stings hurt
Ive been attacked by quite a few animals over the years. Got bitten by a dog when I was three, various cat attacks.
Stung behind the knee by a jellyfish, which is painful enough, but then having to swim back to shore afterwards isnt the easiest thing to do when your 9.
Got attacked by some large looking lobster/crab while I was in the Seychelles, had my ankle with its claws.
Got kicked by a horse when I was around 7/8, dont remember it hurting but I imagine it did. During the same week me and my Dad were chased by a herd of cows.
A goat also ate my hair one time when I had my back turned to it, but not sure if that counts.

Animals dont like me very much.
(Reesy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:51, Reply)

Got beaten up by the cat
My cat, Meiow Tse-Tongue (don't ask) was sleeping on the side of my bed. The sheets were slipping off, and so was puss - until suddenly he went over the side completely. I moved over to grab him, and at the same time he shot out both of his paws as fast and as hard as he could in order to grab on to something... The next day I had to go to work with a black eye and sheepishly explain that I had been punched out by the cat.
(Jim the Bad, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:51, Reply)

look before yee crap
Friends father in South Africa decides its time to go sit in the outhouse toilet (one of those deep well ones) and go for une crap. Sittng down "doing his business" he gets a quick-fire burst of sharp pain - After jumping up, screaming and running out the outhouse with pantalons still round the ankles, he's being pursued by a overprotective mother bird who's decided to nest inside the dunny.
( -:Coop:-, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:51, Reply)

WASP!
I was driving down the M27 on the way to see my lady, hot day, window down, all fine. Then something flew through the window at speed and hit me in the face. I looked in my mirror and there was a wasp sat on my cheek, presumably happy with it's landing technique, although its wasp face was hanging off a little bit. In terror i tried to brush it off, although this just made the twunt sting me and its head fall off, so I now have a wasp's arse hanging out of my face, pumping its dirty poison into my face, whilst doing 90 mph. I swerve from the fast lane into a luckily placed layby and extract the sting from my face. My face swelled up something rotten, and no services between Bournemouth and Birmingham sell wasp ointment, so I turned up to my girlfriends looking like I'd been involved in some nasty road rage incident.

Also, my brother was riding home on his scooter late at night when a deer charged at him side on and knocked him over. Both the deer and my brother emerged unscathed.
(no1_cheesecake, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Thankfully...
It didn't happen to me...

A friend was hurtleing allong a country lane at night on what was at the time the most highly tuned suzuki bandit 400 in the uk, a rabbit hops into the middle of the road as he is tipped over going arround a corner... now adding a rabbit to a motorcycle wheel at speed, adding the fact the mototcycle is cornering this tends to make the bike make a very sudden change of direction, in this case into a ditch...

The front of the bike resembles a pollock painting, as does his wrists which were shattered completely, lots of blood and mess, he stays awake enough to see the bunny hop off into the night...

No wanking for over a year, wrists now made of 30% steel, written off bike and lots and lots of pain...

Bunnys... bastards.
(bigglestheflyingpoo, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:44, Reply)

Me Old Area Loved Horses.
Especially the ones collected by chavs and left to roam in packs around our old estate.

In fairness to the horses, they were normally more scared than us, and kept to themselves. Except for one. This little fat grey pony who was fecking nuts.

I normally walked home into the estate inbetween two tall blocks of flats, which had a small footpath that stretched across a large patch of grass. This grass served as a chav-horse parking spot, where they stayed or were tethered to. The nuts fecker was loose however and was hiding behind the horses out of sight. I walk down the path, and after I get past the group, this little grey bastard spots me and legs it at me. I hear some neighing, and see this nuts pony sprinting at me while twitching his head sideways alot (like one of those dancing bears). I think "oh shit oh shit" and leggit it straight at two parked cars , where I dive straight through the middle of them. This stupid horse emergency stops (as it was too fat to fit), turns around, and bull charges the nearest horse it can see, much to my amusement.

I got another similar story/incident, but it involved a flid from our college (dunno wether that counts). I'm walking out of the common room of our college into a small open-air walkway, which had a wall on one side, and a small ledge on the other. I'm talking to me mate Tim, who stops half-sentence and jumps onto the ledge holding onto the railing. "Err, what you doing?". He says nothing, but points to this angry flid who is currently bull charging towards me. I dive onto this ledge in the nick of time, and the flid straight headbutts the doors behind me, knocking himself unconcious. I laffed for months :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:40, Reply)

Zombie fish
When I was about 14, I went sea fishing for the day with my dad, somewhere in Norfolk. It was great weather, and I eventually caught a large dogfish. Hauling it aboard the boat, it was hard to deal with the thing, since they have very rough skin - like sandpaper. So, rather than wrestle any further with it, we chucked it in a nearby empty bucket.

An hour later, something was seriously wrong. The thing was still thrashing around, trying to get free even though it was dead. The sounds of this aquatic zombie were getting a bit too much, so the boat owner decided to sort the thing out. He removed its head, tail, guts and skin, and dumped what was now little more than a tube of white fish-flesh back in the bucket. To my horror (and teenage fascination) this did little to actually stop the thing, which continued to writhe about, still trying to escape.

Hard fuckers, dogfish.
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:40, Reply)

The other day
I was walking, and this massive fly flew into my face, I flapped it away angrily, then the stupid thing decided to fly down my top. Cue friends laughing as I'm staring down my cleavage screaming at a bug to get out of it
(therocker, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Tobacco Hornworm
At university I got munched by a Tobacco Hornworm, a type of caterpillar. It didn't hurt, but it was a peculiar feeling.

When I did work experience at Paignton Zoo I was charged by a lion (from behind a puny wire fence), and boy did that scare the crap out of me. And I've been nibbled by a penguin which waddled around one of the animal food preparation kitchens.
(geetoo, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Monkey Business
A few years ago i worked in West Africa, to cut a long story short i inherited a monkey called "Kebab" (small african green monkey like the one from "Outbreak" most likely with ebola also)...over the ensuing months I earn Kebabs trust with snacks and such and think, what the hell, i'll take her for a ride in the car. So off we trot, I tie her up in the rear tray back of the car and happily fire up the engine...thats when all hell breaks loose....the monkey is a car-o-phobe it seems....she hysterically climbs in thru the split rear window and proceeds to crap herself all over the cabin and partly on me...and all the while i'm still driving!.

Not sure why she couldnt crap herself in the back of the car instead of on me?.

Apologies for length and weird monkeys.
(Dogzilla, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:32, Reply)

Paper Round
While swooning around on my paper round, I walked past a crow that was squawking at me, a bit weird I thought, it didn't move an inch. I move onto the next house and I find this crow is now diving down and flying at my head, so heres me ducking and diving, crapping my pants. Next house it decides to land on my back pecking at me, I scream like a little girl and run a mile, to this day I look at crows in a different way.
(Statt0, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:31, Reply)

Dragonfly of death...
About 15 years ago I went on a drunken shagfest in Turkey with a couple of mates. Deciding that perhaps we should do something more cultivated than drinking Tuborg and trying to get our leg over inebriated european lasses we booked a trip to see some sunken Roman ruins. Fast forward to my leading a line of people along the top of an ancient wall, water either side with everyone commenting how pretty the submerged mosaics were when suddenly a fucking GIANT dragonfly- I'm talking Jurrassic Park big- decided to hover about 3 inches from my face. I practically shat my pants, not being a fan of anything with more than 4 legs (well its not natural is it?), unable to move forward while being prodded in the back by some fat German telling me to get a move on in the polite way that the SS would back in Aushwitz, I decided that the only option was to jump in the water and let the enlarged Kraut deal with the fucking thing. Unfortunately the line had got quite bunched together, cue 4 or 5 middle aged camera laden Tuetonic types going for a nice cool dip along with me.
The monster, having done its job, flew off with a speed only dragonflys can muster- hence nobody saw the fucker.
They were all staying at our hotel....
Fun...

Apologies for length, girth etc..
(Mr. Ploppy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:27, Reply)

Not so much the animal attacking...
Walking back from the pub through nice quiet country lanes bathed in the silvery light of the full moon in the clear sky.

I saw what I believed to be a pothole in the road and so in my marginally inebriated state decided to take a longer step over it avoiding the usual haha you fell down moment.

It turned out to be a hedgehog and I had just booted it across the road.
( sudo is bored, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:25, Reply)

A swan.
On holiday in Blackpool with me mates when we were 16 years old staying in a caravan park on a wildlife reserve called Marton Mere. Usually the odd rabbit could be heard smacking it's head off the bottom of the caravan, but we woke up one moring to a strange tapping and scratching on the door.

One of the lads, Steve, decided to check this out and without knowing, he flung open the top door of the caravan, smacking the swan in the head, knocking seven shades of shite out of it.

Before Steve could check the damage to the animal (and the caravan door), it shook it's head, got to it's feet and went straight for us. We managed to get back into the caravan, where this rather narked swan held us hostage for over 30 minutes, opening its wings and spitting and hitting the door, until a park keeper came to take the bloody thing away.

A massive crowd of people had gathered to watch (from a safe distance, obviously), and we were busting for the loo. Then we had to answer the park keeper why the swan was pished off in the first place!
(Charlie Baked Potato, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:23, Reply)

While I remember...
I also got bitten by a white-tipped spider in Oz. Got a lump on my arm like a mini-millenium dome. Hurt like fuck and I squeezed it, being the hard rugby-playing bastard I am... I nearly spewed as the (copious amounts of) goo which squitted out was a rather nasty shade of olive green. And stank. Yummy.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:22, Reply)

Scottish Midges.
You poor fuckers. You have no idea, do you...?
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:12, Reply)

back in the day...............
...............on sunday night i was driving my mate home threw the countryside when in the road there is this rabit in my head lights. what did it decide to do?

Fucking run at my car making one almightly mess of my license plate and spraying itself all my up car. this being the first animal i ahve killed in my car, i was not a happy bunny.

later i was coming out of my mates house ready to go home, when his cat was trying to eat the various bits stuck to the car, when i tried to approach it it hissed and lunged at me clawing my leg and running off.
(Bored, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:06, Reply)