i was attacked by...
ya mum
(riedacher_bertram, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:09, Reply)

for the love of peter how many of them?
me and the now ex gf were on holiday in taormina in sicily, a lovely place for all that know it. we had been merrily swimming and enjoying frollicking. after an extended period of said frollicking by the waters edge i decided to go for a nice long swim in the bay. i got about a hundred yards out and then suddenly felt an excruciating pain in my left chest and down my left arm. being a med student i know a bit about heart attacks. i truely thought it was an early grave. as i started to contemplate my end, whilst trying my best to swim back to shore. at 50 yards from the shore i had no movement in my left arm. it was only as i got in closer to the shore that i realised that the horrific pain which was rapidly increasing all over my body was actually the result of a mammoth smuck of jellyfish. the little pink pulsating bastards. by the time i reached shore i was covered in red welts and in a world of pain. on the plus side i did learn that the italian for anti histamine is "anti staminchi".

bert

ps murder of crows
exhultation of larks
smuck of jellyfish

pps they must have been scared by both length and girth as they didnt go anywhere near it, so i won't appologise.
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:08, Reply)

Ungrateful Cat
About two seconds into reading through this QOTW i was rudely interupted by the sound of hissing, it turned out that one of my cats and the neighbours cat (which we feed) were having a fight, attempting to stop this the neghbours cat scratched up my thumb and made it bleed. :(

But then my girlfriend kissed it better :)
($wift, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:03, Reply)

When ants attack!
My husband called me yesterday - he was in a bit of pain. He'd felt this burning/stinging sensation on his willy while he was working on his computer, so he'd pulled his pants down and there was ant crawling on it! He got bit by an ant on his penis!
This of course, resulted in me telling the entire office and I have yet to cease cracking jokes about how ants give better blow jobs than I do!

Length? Girth? The ants love it!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:02, Reply)

Pigeons. Bastards.
I always, ALWAYS get attacked by pigeons whilst delivering newspapers to shops in the early hours of the morning. They fly at my face. I think they're jealous of it. Yeh, that's it.
Anyway, I had one slam through the radiator grill on a Mercedes van. Pulled over and the sodding thing was strutting about in the engine bay like nothing had happened.

Once I saw a squirrel humping a dead rabbit by the side of the road. True story.

Length? Girth? No, flavour is more important.
( Snapper "That's what she said" - retort of the week, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Pygmy Goats...no, really!
I was about 5 years old, and my dear parents decided to take me for a day out on a farm open to the public...pretty weird considering I was actually brought up on a farm, but the promise of ice cream (and tractors!!) overcomes almost any misgiving in a 5 seven year old (please insert paedo joke HERE).

So, there I was, enjoying this bucolic scene, perched on a fence by the goat enclosure. The parents wish to record the moment for posterity, and in order to emphasise the cuteness of their son, they feel a prop is required...why not a full bucket of feed for the goats?

After few moments, I'm having trouble holding up the bucket and staying balanced on the fence. The inevitable happened, and plunging arse over tit into the mud on the other side, I am greeted by a pack of rampaging, red-eyed monsters, who only seconds before had been docile, fluffy herbivores.

They wanted my blood I tell you! Never, ever, trust a goat. Or your parents.

PS. I was also bitten three times by the same dog, over a course of about two years - I still have the scars today, after about 17 years - they look fucking scary. Apparently this hound had a history of attacking kids, but no one told my parents...! Perhaps my paranoia isn't quite as unjustified as I thought.
( alcuin, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:47, Reply)

boy attacks snake
on holiday in greece i stepped on a grass snake by accident. it froze out of fright so i kicked it about a few times before my mum told me off for torturing the poor creature.

For some reason at the time i was absolutely convinced it would hunt me down and get it's revenge.

i still think of it from time to time 20 yrs later and wonder how close it's getting to me, crawling all the time.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Of Dogs

Was about seven or eight, staying over at a friends house. him and his brother were sleeping in a bunk bed and i was sleeping on the floor.
i wasn't sleeping very well so was reading something (cant remmeber what) and at some point i think about an hour after i went to bed but was still awake, their dog came in. Now their dog was a bloody big grey hound, at least up to my shoulder in height. and the cunt lay down on top of me. so i thought fine, whatever and kept reading. But whenever i moved the slightest milimetre, this bastard of a dog would growl really menacingly at me. in the end i got fed up with it, and tried to get up. this dog, while i was sitting up, push me backed down, and bit me on my eyebrow. still got the scar. ^^
(spike4848, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:34, Reply)

Me and dogs.. NOPE!
Well, when I was 8 I was playing tennis on a communal bit of grass. Along walks an old woman with a Yorkshire Terrier. She let it off the lead. It then proceeded to sink it's annoying little yippy teeth into my ankle and not let go. Well, until I stood on it with my other foot. And the owner shouted at ME!

Then a few years later, whilst running home the afore mentioned auld wifey and Yorkie come round the corner, I don't have time to react. My left foot went flying into the leashless dog which proceeded to fly about 5 feet into the air. Justice I tells ya.
(stav999999, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:25, Reply)

badgers
Not me, not even a friend but a friend of a friend....
well thinking he was being clever this lad threw a stone at a badgers head not realising they have teeeny weeeny fuses, anyhoo, the badger saw his arse and chased him home and tried to get him through his catflap!!, the police and rspca were called and the badger was put down for being vicious.
they should have put down the skanky little chav for attacking it!
anyhooo nooo apologies
badgers rock!!
Edit: I think it got a mention on Have I got news for you :0)
(monstermunchqueen a queen for the people, by the people, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:25, Reply)

It still counts as an animal!
On honeymoon in Bali a few years ago, we were doing the usual things - bungy jumping, paragliding, jetskiing, as you do.

We went jetskiing with a couple of Balinese guys who knew what they were doing. Wifeys bloke was zipping her around and doing crazy stuff, and my guy was trying to teach me how to jetski properly.

Of course, I flodded the engine and the whole thing stopped. He said it would take a few minutes for the engine to cool down and unflood, then we could be off again. A wave hit us, then another, and before you know it we had unbalanced our stationary vehicle.

I fell in and started to tread water, not realising we were very close to the reef. I scrape my left leg across a coral, yell as the spines dig into my leg and foot, and move swiftly away.

We limped back to the shore, where I washed my leg off under a tap. Loads of little spines sticking in my flesh. The guys in the beach hut cover the wounds with iodine, and we go back to our room and call the hotel doctor. He appears and uses a syringe needle to lift out most of the spines - but some are embedded in the flesh. He says they'll come out of their own accord in time. I therefore commit the international crime of exporting coral out of a country on my way home.

I just also felt my ankle - there are still a few there. Maybe I'm Coral Man, and I have coral powers. Hmm. That was nearly 8 years ago.
(kiwanotree Meh, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:24, Reply)

River Dipping
At my primary school, the teachers decided to annually "treat" us to river dipping at the local park. Basically they'd throw us in a river for a couple of hours with nets and fuck off to the pub, and return when the first one of us went blue or septic.

The 20 minutes before getting back on the bus was spent with the teachers burning off all the leeches with their lighters. I hated school.
(Rushy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:24, Reply)

Midweek League Cup Game at Everton
After them match I was attacked by a load of scouse teenagers carrying bricks and wooden planks - I swear to God there was at least thirty of the spotty fuckers.

Scouse + teenage = animals

They're all the same to me.
(McFlooble, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:14, Reply)

My russian hamster bit me on the nipple
I was 5 and saying good night to him whilst wearing just my PJ bottoms. The little fucker decided to clamp on my nipple and not let go.

Sent him back to the pet shop and got another.

The nightmares never go away though (17 years later)
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:11, Reply)

Spider, man
A couple of months ago, as i was just drifting off to sleep a rather large spider dropped off the ceiling straight onto my face. in a rather girly panic i jumped out of bed brushed it onto the floor and proceeded to beat it to death with a pair of boxer shorts that happened to be lying beside my bed. Poor spider.
( I could eat the scabs off a dead dog That was a brand new hat, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:05, Reply)

I was about 10
I had just watched Crocdile Dundee. So i decided to try out the all powerful waggling your fingers trick, on my pet turtle. The result I wanted was for it to instantly fall sleep. Very diffrent from what happened. As I out streched my fingers it clamped on to my little finger and did not let go. It hung on for about 30 mintues intil i had the sense to stop waggling my finger about while crying, alot, and run my hand under water so the turtle would let go.
This made me not visit my turle in the garden for at least a year.
Didnt even feed it... once over coming my fear I visted it and it was now huge... The Bastard.
(Mkoll, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Where do I start?
I must be some kind of delicacy in the animal kingdom, as pretty much everything has had a go. I think the two best are a wild preying mantis that decided that, despite the size difference, I'd make quite a tasty snack and the great dane that bite me round the head. This caused me to bleed heavily from both my nose and one of my temples. My Dad, who had only noticed the nose bleed, told me to 'stop screaming like a stuck pig'. Stiff upper lip and all that.
(Chicken Amygdala, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:52, Reply)

Of cats and cows
Picture the scene. 90 year old Aunt Eleanor sitting by the fire on Christmas Day, lightly dozing, Cassie the cat kipping on her lap. Cassie sits up, stretches, notices Aunt Eleanor and bites her square on the nose. Drew blood and all. Poor Aunty Eleanor... Ho hum.

Then Duke of Edinburgh - what a laugh that was! First field we get to, the cows start following us. They get very close. We run. They run. Big bastard of a bull in lead with HUGE horns and guess who was the last in the queue to get over the style ... of couse! Moi! Nearly got skewered! We all collapsed in the next field pissing ourselves laughing, which was when the stinging nettles had a go as well. Needless to say I quit after bronze!

Ginger Hobbit
(Ginger Hobbit, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:49, Reply)

Happened to a friend..
I have a friend whose mum is mildly famous. A few years ago on New Years Eve they were having a party with other semi-famous people there. At one point Ester Rantzen was playing the piano and everyone else was singing along. Another friend bent down to stroke a dog (who belonged to the squeaky woman who used to be on the Philadlphia adverts) and it bit her one the eye. She spent the whole evening in casualty. Surreal but true!
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:49, Reply)

I hate horses...
When i was 10 i went on a horse for the first time. After approx 20 yds the horse stopped, knelt down, i slid down its neck straight off the top of its head and land flat on my stomach. Horse casually walks past me and does a poo on my back.

Oh yeah and another thing, a few years ago i was introduced to my girlfriends horse. it took one look at me a sneezed right in my face.

Fucking tossers the lot of 'em.
(nappy rash, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:44, Reply)

bastard kids get whats coming to them
I used to live next door to these little kids who were about 5 and 7. They were right little bastards.
They were out in the garden and I could hear them saying something about a cat, then all I heard was a loud scream and one of them shouted "argh mummy i'm bleeding", I loved my evil cat ever since.
(curseyougodformakingmethisway, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:44, Reply)

Scolopendre
A few years ago I was enjoying an idyllic break in the south of Spain with my (now ex) girlfriend and her family. Ex-girlfriend is of German extraction as are, obviously, her family. Lovely people - but very, erm, analytical. Ex-girlfriend's father is a doctor and not short of a few bob, hence the rather nice villa we were staying in.

One morning we were eating a rather Germanic breakfast outside by the pool (think slightly overgrown "rustic" back garden, nice pool, plenty of ham and cheese, discussions about philosophy) when I felt something tickling my leg.

Thinking very little of it (some grass or a small wildflower perhaps) I carried on munching my sarnie. Suddenly I felt an extremely sharp sting/bite at the top of my left thigh, right next to my testicles. I screamed like a small girl and ran into the house. I then experienced the extremely nasty sensation of something biting/stinging me every 2cms from the top of my left thigh round to the top of my right arse-cheek.

I ran into the shower, shedding all my clothing, and watched in alarm and horror (as did my ex-girlfriend and her entire family - although not sure if the horror was induced by my naked body) as a 10 inch long centipede extracted itself from my shorts.

Leg and arse swelled up to approximately double the size - nasty fever and very painful bites. Still, at least there was a doctor on site to give me drugs. I am still extremely thankful that the centipede missed some particularly tender areas, but the feeling of a rather large insect dragging itself across my balls is one I won't be forgetting soon. My ex-girlfriend's father hardly helped matters by catching the bastard and pickling it in vodka. I still have the beast as a souvenir and nice reminder of the ex...
(lolly, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:42, Reply)

hemeroids
apparantly I was bitten by Mick Jagger's brother's dog when I was like 5
(Barry Big Fist, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:39, Reply)

Wasp + Popcorn
When i lived in germany i went to a fair and decided to treat myself to some popcorn.
After about 4 or 5 handfulls i put my hand in and think, mmm, this piece of popcorn is a bit hard. I pull my hand out and there's a wasp loitering on my thumb. It was scant inches away from being put into my gob.
( Nonny Mouse. -- Scared as a Shitting Scorpion, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:39, Reply)

Clever little shit
I was on holiday with my family in Malaysia, staying in a hotel on the east coast. When we first got there me and my brothers explored the hotel room, walking out on the balcony. As we went in, we promptly ignored the signs warning us to keep doors closed and locked.
Cue a medium sized monkey entering the room, go straight for the mini-bar, open said minibar and help itself to a packet of peanuts. It then sat on the end of the bed eating peanuts. When we tried to shoo it out, it hissed at us, showing alot of large teeth at which point we decided the peanuts weren't worth it.
(Squash, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:39, Reply)

Horses, eurgh!!
Not so much an attack, but a thoroughly nasty experience all the same.

When I was about eight or nine, I used to go horseriding (I was young, easily influenced, and not strong enough to say no) Everything went well until one day when we were outside, walking around in a big circle, and I got stuck behind a HUGE Shire Horse called Piper. I was a bit scared when I saw the size of his hooves and imagined them connecting with my head, but oh no! There was something FAR worse. Piper seemed to have a wind problem - he wouldn't stop farting, and the stink was the worst thing I have ever smelt,I swear to god. It was like something had crawled up into it's gut and died there, and now it was rotting away and producing a foul stench
The worst thing was, because shire horses are huge, and I was on a normal horse, Piper's arse was basically in line with my face, and even though I was a couple of metres behind, I got the full force of the blast EVERY TIME. And he was doing this more or less constantly. I remember putting up with this sickening, disgusting stink for about half an hour until I started to feel sick and woozy. I put my hand up to tell the handlers I wanted to get off, but before I could say anything I fainted clean away. Apparently as soon as I passed out I fell, but before my head hit the floor my foot got tangled up in the stirrups and I nearly broke my fcuking leg.
Went horseriding once after that, but started to get 'the fear' and never went again.

Bastard horses
(Funty, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Naievety + Strange Dog
As a young un i developed a habit of going round and petting random dogs that were walking the streets.
Quite simply one took offence and bit me accross the nose. I ran away crying and never mentioned it to anyone.
( Nonny Mouse. -- Scared as a Shitting Scorpion, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:37, Reply)

on holiday once
in Lanzarote, we went to a place called Guinate Tropical Park (a zoo).

Wandered over to the chimp enclosure and was greeted by a large sign- "WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT STARE INTO THE CHIMPS EYES."
Now why have a sign stating something like that without explaining why. They're apes ffs, i'm not gonna turn into stone or anything am I ??

So i walk up to the enclosure and stare straight into a chimps eyes.
Next minute the chimp goes fucking wild, does 3 somersaults on the spot, screams like a banshee, picks up a large rock and hurls it through the mesh hitting me straight on the forehead.
My girlfriend had great pleasure in informing everyone we met that the large bruise on my head was due to me getting nutted by a chimp.


No point in apologising for length, as it fell off due to shock.
(nappy rash, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Revenge from beyond the veil of death
When my girlfriend was young (I think around 9 or 10), a bunch of her schoolmates peer pressured her into torturing a dragonfly to death. She cut it into ten pieces, and the main body part was still alive when she was finished.

Years later, she tried out a Ouija board for the first time. And who sent her a message? The dragonfly, to tell her how much it hates her.

Not sure if that counts as a real attack, but it freaked her out pretty bad.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)