a long time ago in a sea far away ...
out of season cheapie winter break in mallorca. being brought up on/in the north sea, the med in january was a reasonable swimming temperature although i was the only person in it at a very quiet beach (ie me, mate, that's it) ... swimming away, not far from shore, i sea a hairy, hemispherical 'thing' bob towards me ... being a total wuss, i conclude this must be a balearic killer monkey (or something) with its fearsome killing machine body 90 per cent below water and only the top of the head showing ... hence run/swim/paddle at high speed to shore ... looked back, but it kept bobbing towards me and my by now curious pal ... until it bobbed into six inches of water and we could see it was a coconut (whether carried by two swallows on a line, not known) ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:17, Reply)

I called my dog
a cunt.

So it bit me.

How was i to know the rumours were true?

Regards,
Dr Doolittle.
(nappy rash, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:11, Reply)

Geese, parrot, horse
Ah the good old days of primary school. But our days were tainted by the class bully who was to be feared by all... Well, at least until we went to the bird sanctuary where some local geese grabbed his jacket and chased him round for a good five minutes, not letting go. Oh the mirth, oh the merriment, oh the ribbing he got for bursting in to tears!

A few weeks ago our old parrot 'Sammy Buttercup' died. It was a sad time and for the whole day before he 'crossed over' he was clearly very sick. My mother was hand feeding him bits of food to try and get something into his system. Instead he decided to take one final chunk out of her finger. He died an hour later. It was his way of saying goodbye.

Back in the day we lived not 2 minutes away from the old Wigan Athletic football ground. On match day we'd often see the police horses walking up and down our street. On this particular day the policemen stopped and chatted for a while and my mother gave the horses a couple of apples to munch on. They ate the apples and she went in to make the policemen a cup of tea (it was the olden days, we were all friendly back then). This is when the horse decided he was going to follow her inside.. Luckily the policeman had dismounted because by the time we could stop it we had the front half of a very large police horse in the living room!
( beefandcheese, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:05, Reply)

i knew an old lady who swallowed a fly
Hot summer's day at school. It's lunchtime. For some reason (I forget why) I had to deliver a message to the girl's pe teacher who was by the cricket pavilion, some distance across the playing fields. As I got within spitting distance of her (she was called Miss Raby and had a personality to match) a bastard fucking fly flew into my mouth, causing me to cough, splutter and spit - all over her shirt.

"You disgusting child," she said.

I just sorta looked sheepish. And then ran away and laughed.
( blindmelon, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:03, Reply)

Attacked twice in the same place

I used to do voluntary work with poor kids in one of the rougher parts of Leeds. As I was skipping down there one day, the cutest little kitten darted out from under a car and pounced on my feet. It was so silly and pathetic I just laughed at the sweet little thing.

Not long after, I was attacked in the same area by two animals native to that area. They were either Chavs or the Lesser Spotted Smackhead (it's hard to tell in the dark). Like the kitten, they were silly and pathetic, but this time I wasn't laughing.

Got away unscathed though.
(Pachey, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 8:19, Reply)

Snowflake Moray Eel
The first time we went to Hawaii (I was in elementary school), we were warned to not pick up shells along the coral reefs, because eels, with their poor eyesight, might think we were octopi and attack. Guess who did some underwater beachcombing and was confronted by a snowflake moray eel? I swear, it was like a real-life snake-in-a-can gag. It was very pretty, though.
(ladycat, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 8:02, Reply)

robbed by a kite
I was about 12, we were in India at the time.
I was eating a sandwich, when a kite grabbed my sandwich from my hand while I was biting it.

The attack cleverly came from a diagonal direction behind my right shoulder, so I did not see it coming but the kite was able to have a free line of flight passing through the sandwich.

I felt like a soft slap in my face (the wing) and the sandwich was gone. Then I saw the kite re-gaining height with its "prey".
( frox, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 8:02, Reply)

a dead bird
our old cat used to come in through the bedroom window

woke me up one night by dropping a dead bird beside me on the pillow

bastard
( Reckless_Rik, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 7:39, Reply)

Giant birds
When i was about 12 I was on a holiday in queensland and doing to whole trip. I went to some bird sanctuary and had a tour guide and everything. The place was huge.

Well after about 15 minutes the biggest bird in the whole place (its wingspan was larger the my arms width, as in from one finger to the other) came rocketing at me at full speed. I hit the dirt as it went flying past my head

I got up and it came striaght back at me. I was told not to worry because the bird was just doing its mating ritual. ON ME.

Im not much of a bird person anymore
( faultykyle, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 7:36, Reply)

Not me, but my mum...
Many years ago when a was but a "little-un", we were going to the zoo for the day.

Stuck in traffic on the way there on a hot summer day with the car windows rolled down, my mum was somewhat surprised to be crapped on by a passing seagull which had worked out a shitting trajectory that would pass it's excreta through the car window and onto my mum's arm. The stuff was everywhere - must have been a big bird (the seagull, not my mum).

After much cleaning up with wet wipes and tissues we eventually made it to the zoo. Good day, ice cream, lots of new and exciting creatures to see including a rhinocerous.

We're all standing there watching the rhino when it turns away from us, takes two steps forward and then unleashes a jet of urine straight backwards.

It was like it was coming out of a firehose, a very powerful and very accurate firehose. Accurate in that it hit just one person - yup, my mum again.

We all had a lovely day, except my mother of course who, having been crapped on by a seagull who must have been related to Bomber Harris and pissed on by a markman-like rhino hadn't enjoyed her grand day out (our hysterical laughter at her plight probably hadn't helped).
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 7:21, Reply)

Just remembered my first ever...
I was little, maybe 4, and my brother was five. We were walking across the lawn which was full of clover. My brother was walking in front of me, stepping on bees, and I was behind picking them up and putting them in my pocket. Stepping, putting, stepping, putting. My brother warned me, "Just don't put your hand in your pocket". So, naturally...
( Artamnesia, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 5:34, Reply)

Voyeurs
I'd just arrived at Yellowstone Park, and I was walking across the parking lot to the Visitor's Center. To my right, on a wooden porch, a gaggle of tourists with cameras ready leaned across a railing, clearly straining to see...something. I continued walking, but I was watching the increasingly-excited tourists.

Turned around, and there I was, barely six inches from the face of a surprised buffalo. Buffalo were wandering everywhere. The tourists didn't warn me, because it'd have spoiled the spectacular color shots of a goring. Bastards.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 5:27, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
first you must understand that my friend is somewhat of a redneck. He, another redneck friend, and I were out in the other redneck guy's cow field with a cattle prod. Well my friend decided it would be fun to give the cows a bit of a shock. So hanging over the fence he tazed the cow in the hind quarters. The cow replied with an apathetic kick in my friend's balls.
(Philosophacles Now is my chance to be funny, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 5:02, Reply)

witness to an angry monkey
luckily i have never been attacked by an animal, but i have been a witness to several animal attacks on my dear mum. the best one ever was the time she upset this little monkey in a cage at her cousin's house while we were visiting on holiday. you see, my 2nd cousin has wild animals in a sort of wildlife reserve, and this monkey was caged and really pissed.

my mum loves animals, so when she saw this baby monkey she went right up to him and started speaking in a calm voice. the monkey looked at her with those adorable monkey eyes and extended its hand to her through the bars. she took it, thinking he wanted to play. the monkey got excited and started yanking on my mum's finger viciously, mashing her hand into the cage. when it couldn't accomplish the goal of ripping her entire hand off, he bit her several times! mum, being the calm lady that she is, on the receiving end of a terribly excited monkey, just said something soothing to it like, "no, it's not ok for you to bite me, that's not a nice monkey!" and finally dislodged her finger so she could back away quickly...

...but when she turned around to leave, the monkey was having none of that. it let out several ear piercing screeches and reached out for revenge. it was like slow motion as i stood there and watched this primate reach beyond the bars of the cage, for my mum's head, and gripped a handful of her hair before she could finish turning all the way around. it was jumping up and down and howling while it proceeded to bang her head repeatedly against the bars, in a vain attempt to, err... well, i don't know what he wanted. this went on for about a minute while she just stood there, half bent backwards, letting him do it while somehow maintaining that calm "please stop torturing me!" voice. it took several people to pry his claws off of her head. she ended up with a small tuft of hair missing and a bruised and bloodied finger.

the funniest part to me was that my dad just watched the whole thing and didn't even try to help. i think the monkey scared him and he didn't want a piece of that shit. not that i blame him.
( mayonessa, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 4:13, Reply)

Cat Attack!
I used to live in a first floor flat, with my wife & 2 cats. We had a cat flap in the kitchen window at work-surface level so the cats could get in & out via a sloping roof outside the window.

I found out that an unneutered tom cat was entering the cat flap and filling his face from our cats' bowls, then pissing high-stink tom cat piss around the place just so we knew he'd paid a visit.

I resolved to ambush this cat to 'teach it a lesson'. This was the plan - One night, set the cat flap to 'in only', then wait up for said tom. Catch him in the kitchen, grab him by the scruff of the neck and eject him via the front door. That'll show him.

So, one night I flicked the catch on the cat flap so he couldn't get out, and went to bed. I sat up in my dressing gown reading a book, with our 2 cats asleep on my feet (keeps them nice & warm).

I dozed off.

Around 1am I awoke and realised that the faint creak of the cat flap had aroused me. Our 2 cats were still at the end of the bed, but looking alertly toward the door. Clearly the perpetrator had arrived! Time to show him who's boss.

I trod oh-so-quietly to the kitchen, but shouldn't really have bothered. There was tom slamming food down his neck as fast as he could and making an unbelievable racket as he did so. Sounded more like a herd of pigs at the trough. Anyway, he became aware of my presence and bolted for the cat flap, leaving a trail of cat food that he'd crammed into his face but hadn't had time to swallow, across the kitchen floor. Doink! Cat flap doesn't open. Panic-stricken tom cat is lying on his side frantically scrabbling at the cat flap, his little paws a blur. 'Got you now!' I exclaimed triumphantly and seized him by the scruff of the neck in a vice-like grip, just as planned.

I might as well have not had hold of him at all, as in an instant he turned in my grip, sank his teeth into my hand and then raked my arms, neck, face & chest with his claws, at the same time managing to motor up and down the work-surface knocking glass jars full of pasta and assorted other breakables to the floor. This was accompanied by the most incredible caterwauling. I was now wondering what the hell to do, as if he could do me this much damage with me holding him down, what the fuck was he going to do to unfettered? I decided to cut my losses and hurled him out of the kitchen into the hallway, whereupon I heard him thunder down the stairs and THUNK into the front door. My wife is shouting 'What the fuck is going on?' and I'm like 'Just stay where you are, there's a bloody mental case cat loose in here'

Then he came back up and did a tour of the flat at about 75mph while I'm scrabbling frantically to open the cat flap so he can get out, but there's blood all over my fingers and I couldn't get a grip on the little plastic tab thing. I finally got it open by banging it with a spatula, and just in time as the maniac cat comes back in the kitchen and BAM out through the cat flap.

Did the trick. Never saw that cat again.

I've still got the scars.

(Apologies for the immensity of length)
(RichardInSydney would like to know why teh date & time is, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 4:05, Reply)

Disappointing
I was sent to a local zoo for an “animal bite”. Bearing in mind that this zoo is of the lions and tigers and bears oh my variety, I was looking forward to a really spectacular chomp out of someone’s’ leg at the very least.
As the zoo hadn’t been open long I was also in the running for winning the tab we were running at work on who would get sent to the first “exotic animal attack” there.

It was an allergic reaction to a paper-wasp sting. I was gutted.

Anyway the zoo got shut down for code breaches after about a year and it was decided that my paper-wasp incident was the winner.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 3:58, Reply)

Bastards the lot of them
When my brother was 4 he was attacked by a swan. Nothing unusual about this, except for the inhumanly high squeal he unleashed as he ran off. It was just one solid eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee noise at about 16000 Hz, and didn't stop until he reached the safety of our mother's arms. The hilarity of seeing a chubby 4 year old waddle past you at high speed, screaming, with a fixed look like he'd just had a nut ripped off cannot be measured by humankind.

When I was about 13 I was sat out the front of a pub with my dad and brother. We were enjoying Cokes, and our father was enjoying a lager. As he downed the last of his pint, a bird shat on him, seemingly from orbit since we couldn't see it anywhere. The shot hit his t shirt, shorts, and legs- the perfect splatter. He made such a fuss about it a bloke walking past asked if anything was wrong, to which my dad replied "Yes there's something bloody wrong- I've just bin shat on!!"

When I was 14 my bedroom was victim to an infestation of spiders of all sizes and colours. I hate spiders. I once chased someone a foot taller than me round with a hockey stick for trying to put one on me. Anyway, this infestation was coming under control thanks to liberal usage of insecticide spray, but there seemed to be one left- the daddy spider. It was the size of my palm, brown, with a hairy body and countable eyes. It took me 3 days to find him in the labyrinth of old crap in my room. On the first night he ran over my foot as I stood on my bed at 2am looking for him. I shrieked like a pansy, leapt into the air, and hit my head on the ceiling, denting it (the ceiling) quite badly. On the second night I stood on an upturned plug in pursuit of him. On the third and final night I got my revenge though; I paralyzed him on the end of my bed using a can of deoderant spray, then smushed him using a sheet of A4 paper and my open palm. Then threw it out of my bedroom window, never to be seen again. YUSS!

Incidentally, I have a gigantic cock- popcorn is available in 4 sizes thanks to me; small, medium, large, and my cock. No, really.
(youthink, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 3:49, Reply)

5 years ago,
mum came out to America for the first time to visit ex-hubby and I. This was 2 weeks after I told ex-hubby I was leaving him.
One of our best nights together before I moved out was at a Brian Setzer concert (Stray Cats) at the Greek Theater in LA. They have a bar which is outdoors and surrounded by trees. Lots and lots of trees.
As I was leaning over to talk with ex-hubby, I felt this stinging sensation on my bum (I had no underwear on - my trousers didn't allow it) that just got worse and worse.
Legged it to the restroom to see a huge fuckoff tree spider crawling out my trousers, a quick check revealed massive purple spider bites on my arse. It hurt for days!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 3:19, Reply)

kangaroos
emadex, an adult kangaroo can do a fairly impressive amount of injury. That is why they must all be cooked and eaten with parmesan.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 3:17, Reply)

Little Joey vs. Papa-san
My ambulance was sent to a local wildlife park to an "unknown problem - possible animal bite".
The only dangerous animals there are snakes, crocodiles and maybe the dingos so I'm expecting a pretty severe type of injury.

I'm directed to the kangaroo compound and it is confirmed I will find a Japanese tourist who has been bitten by a kangaroo. (wtf? - these are really placid roos that get hand fed daily by coach loads of tourists...)
A large group of Japanese tourists are gathered around a middle aged guy. He is holding his hands in his groin and near crying. I take his hands to see how badly damaged they are - I mean how much damage can possibly done by a kangaroo bite? I couldn't locate even a scratch on him - he looks at me rather confused and points to his groin. It wasn’t his hands – it was his balls.
He had been feeding the kangaroos with the food pellets that the parks sell and a baby joey in mum’s pouch had snapped out and nipped him on a testicle through his shorts.

I really would have enjoyed the case more had it been a crocodile bite.
Never mind.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 3:09, Reply)

Round at my friends...
when i was about 14, we had just finished watching a dvd and were chucking the padding from his couch and chairs at each other - recreating the war movie we just watched... but in a slightly milder version. Anyway, i am more of a dog person really (sorry B3ta)... actually thinking about it, B3ta will hate this for their love of cats... anyway, yeah so... my friend had no padding left to throw, so he started on cushons... and then.. yes, he did it... he lifted his cat from the floor and threw the thing right at me....

Well, if it wasnt for my quick thinking, both myself and the cat would have been harmed, luckily, i thought quick and only the cat got harmed.

I swivelled to the left and what can only be described as me 'volleying' the cat across the room and over the back of another couch.

But, everyone knows cats always land on their feet - so im sure it was fine really.

This story is infact entirely true (unless you are reading this and also a member of the RSPCA)

Toodles.
(ADPR, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 2:57, Reply)

Oooh I forgot
My cat gave me a black eye when he jumped off the bureau onto my face while I was asleep. Beside the black eye, I had a nice big scratch to boot.
( Artamnesia, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 2:57, Reply)

Snake vs. trouser snake
I was at my ambulance station waiting for the next case and the front door bell rang.
A rather distressed tourist explained that her partner had been bitten by a snake. Now this is quite common in the tropical parts of north Australia and although most snakes locally are pythons (non-venomous) there are dangerous ones too, so we treat all cases as venomous until proven otherwise by blood tests.
Went out to their car and the victim explains that he stopped at the roadside to have a piss and felt a sting on his cock and saw a big snake sliver away. Sure enough, he had the telltale double puncture marks on his spam javelin so off to hospital we go.

I gave a nice accurate description of the case on the radio so that the whole of the region – including the media – would hear it.
Halfway to hospital the patient starts hallucinating which is a bit odd considering it turned out to be a non-venomous bite.
Got to hospital and had to put up with all the predictable “So, did you suck the poison out for him?” and “What size compression bandage did you need to use?”

Frankly, any swelling he receieved was to his benefit...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 2:55, Reply)

A few stories
I used to ride a horse for a woman who had had a back injury. She wanted her horse to get exercise but she also was just being nice to me in lending me the horse. The horse was huge - part draft horse - and her name was Venus. She loved her owner fervently. She hated me. She would take every opportunity to crush me against her stall wall and step on my feet. Once while riding, she took off at a gallop and wouldn't stop. She was headed directly at the side of a barn. I thought, "Well, she's certainly not going to run into the side of a barn just to get at me." I was wrong.

My mother-in-law's small green parrot once chased me relentlessy through a house. It followed me from room to room, fixing its beady eye at me and biting at my ankles. It seemed ridiculous but I couldn't make him stop and there was no place safe to stand or sit. My mother-in-law didn't believe me when I told her what was happening and only put the bird away to humor me.

At a city park in San Francisco, my two year old son went to feed a large grey goose, which picked him up by the shoulder, shook him and threw him on the ground. I later found out that this particular goose had a city ordinance protecting IT from molestation. Meh.

I was once playing with my dog in some woods near an abandoned quarry. We were racing around on paths through the thick brush, chasing each other and darting away. I was on one path and on an adjacent one I could hear her galloping. I ran as fast as I could to head her off where the two paths met. As I jumped into her path with my arms out and yelling "YAAHHH!" I found myself almost colliding with with a terrified white-tailed deer. For a moment we just stood face to face - staring and panting. Suddenly, it leapt past me and plunged down the side of the quarry and into the water at the bottom, swam the full length, vaulted up the other side and ran back into the woods. No, it certainly didn't attack me, and I didn't mean to attack it but I felt so bad when I realized that my dog and I had unknowingly been terrorizing the poor beast.
( Artamnesia, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 2:52, Reply)

You know those videos of police attack dogs?
they attack the bad mans arm? My cat loves to play this game. I pull my jumper over my hand, crook my arm into a certain position with my fist on the floor and nonchantly look in the opposite direction. He then attacks my arm, kicking with his back legs, holding with his front and biting. I often grab his teeth and shake his head about or just grab him by the chest and whoosh him around the carpet. His attack looks horrible and vicious but he hardly ever draws blood. Towards the end of April I have the most awful fever, a lymph node in my neck the size of a hens egg, sweats, fatigue, migraine, intolerance to light and total nausea. End up having the lymph node cut out and a scar like Frankensteins monster, my neck just needs a bolt for full effect. He gave me Cat Scratch Disease, wah!!
(Bus Turd, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 2:06, Reply)

anyone who owns a fairly young cat/kitten
knows they are bastards. mine is named "moo" cos she is such a cow.
reasons for attacking me:

she hasn't been fed
she hasn't been fed, for the second time that minute
she wants to go out
she wants to come in
(she knows she has a cat-flap, just doesn't care)
she has just rolled over in her sleep, fallen off the back of the chair, and wants to blame me for it
i'm asleep, she's not, and therefore i should be punished by having my face sat on every morning
shes found a hoover and wants to complain claws-and-all about it being near her
if i'm wearing denim, obviously i want to be used as a scratch post
if she arrives in the room and doesnt get instant attention

these are all good reasons apparently, for me to be bitch slapped by moo. but i still can't help but think shes cute. damned animals...

more to come i'm sure..
(length gag here)
//doesn't care
(whelks chance No two people are not on fire, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 1:38, Reply)

Hamster magic
I never used to be as enthusiastic about having a hamster as my two (older) brothers did. Maybe it's because the experience was made somewhat drab by my brothers calling them all fucking "Hammy".

Anyway, I was bored one afternoon and instead of watching the little fella sleep I thought I'd wake it up and let it entertain me. I got bored. I put my fingers through the bars. The cute fucker bit me. Hard.

I remembered my mum distincly warning me not to do that, so I wandered casually to the sink before slamming on the cold tap and calling myself a stupid bastard, except in the vocabulary of my then 6 year old brain.

Also around that age was another incident, but this time not provoked. Whilst walking the (rather large) dog through the woods, dad threw a stick for him to fetch. Being 6, I was oblivious to everything going on around me and thought our dog was clever enough to swerve through the tiny gap between me and my dad. This wasn't the case. The dog came running right into my legs, knocking me flat on my back. It didn't hurt, though, for some strange reason, perhaps because I was taken completely by surprise.

I also got my first and only (so far) bee sting when he flew in front of my face whilst I was watching TV. I bashed him with my hand and he never came back. Turns out he was lying on his back on the Program + button on the remote control, when I reached to change the channel he got his sweet revenge. Little yellow buzzing bastard.

And!

Much older now, I must have been about 14, maybe 15, we all (me + family) went to a relative's house for the day and took the (different to previous) dog. This dog was a bouncy little so and so. More hyperactive than a kid, in a sweet shop, with a winning lotery ticket.

Anyway, as I was deprived of the cuddly pleasures of the cat as a young 'un, spending some quality time with one was rather nice. I was outside with this cat on my arm, when all of a sudden our dog comes jumping out of the bush with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. The cat jumped a mile, leaving lovely deep scratches all up my arm in four paw places. Looked like I'd had a fight with a chainsaw.
(Fuzzy, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 1:29, Reply)

Waskally Wabbit
To show its appreciation for looking after it for two weeks my friends rabbit bit my finger as I was feeding it on the last morning before I gave it back


Also Im sure it was plotting something with my tortoise, they did spend a lot of time together.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 1:16, Reply)

Birds like attacking me.
When I was younger we had the milk delivered to our door (we lived down a country lane) and one day I decided to go bring it in for my mum. Well, we owned lots of chickens and cockerels and as I bent down, bum wiggling in the air, one cockerel decides it wants to peck/bite my arse. I was only about three.
Also, there used to be a bird sanctuary place in Peakirk (near Peterborough) which I loved going to, and they had cranes with pompoms on their heads, they liked leaning over the fences with their long necks and biting me too.
I've also been crapped on by a bird in the same place, on different days, and had a seagull steal most of my lunch in one swoop.
I've never been cruel to a bird, so they must really hate me for no reason.

Oh, and moths. Don't get me started on moths.
( CaroWallis, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 0:12, Reply)

Squirrels may look cute
but they are the spawn of satan.

When my nan was in her last few months, she spent some time in a care home. And in the back garden of this carehome were some of the tamest squirrels you ever did see. The home even sold little packets of nuts so the oldies and their relatives could feed them together.

Now I was only little (I think I was twelve) and my dad was having a serious convo with my nan, so I was told to go outside and play with the squirrels. I was sat there mildly entertained with the cuddly ickle things when one decided that it would come a bit closer. And a bit closer. Eventually it came and sat on my knee. I was just sat there in wonder at this cute little animal when it decided to sink its evil bastard fangs into my arm.

Cue me spinning round in circles trying to get it off me, while it hung on for dear life using nothing but its teeth. By god it had a grip, I had nearly shat myself by the time it went flying off.

Luckily for me I was wearing the thickest coat in the known universe at the time, so I didn't sustain any major injuries. But I have been convinced that shy, evasive red squirrels are far lullier than these nasty grey types.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 0:10, Reply)