myself and least one other b3tan are members of an organisation in Oxford
who put on stunt shows and the like. 20-odd years of tradition has it that after such events, we pack up, then rendezvous at the nearest chinese takeaway/buffet for........DUCK!
On one occasion we were at a (well known) all you can eat Chinese buffet somewhere in Oxford. Instead of going up induvidually to make a few duck pancakes, we went up en masse and used 3 plates as scoops to liberate 90% of the duck from the hot plate.
A similar tactic was employed for the spring onions, cucumber and pancakes. the Hoi Sin sauce was in 3 mayo dispenser type things, so we had one of those too.

We hit the duck counter a further 3 times that evening, but on the 3rd time we went up, the meat on the hotplate was different somehow - closer inspection revealed it to be -shock horror- chicken! A curt word to a passing waiter brought the chef out, who then attempted to assure us that it was duck, just that it was fresher than normal. One of the lawyer types (drunken Oxford students & graduates are a faorce to be reckoned with) gave him a lengthy, semi-coherant chance to back up and admit that it was chicken. He was adament that it was duck, so someone landed a well wrapped pancake on his face. The rest of the table then joined in, and before long the entire resturant had joined us in pelting the hapless chap with food.

Needless to say the manager appeared and was less than amused at being caught in the crossfire - and threw the entire lot of customers out!

An attempted night out by a couple of us the week after resulted in us being recognised and not allowed in, but a recent email from two of the guys suggests that they've now forgotten us.

I find that it's not the length that she loves, its the girth.
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 15:34, Reply)

You're all thugs!
Personally, I go out to have a good time and don't cause any trouble.

My mum says I've to stay away from you lot
(cool dry place, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 15:05, Reply)

I'm not sure whether it's being banned or not
but I'm denied entrance to some places. I don't wear shoes (I haven't in about 4 years, even in Winter), paint my toenails and wear about ten silver toe-rings.
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Fri 1 Sep 2006, 14:42, Reply)

Canary the Compulsive Liar
Back when I was 19, I worked in a pub in Pontefract, which is known locally as Ponte Carlo as being stuffed full of far too many bars. I worked in one of the trendier ones (well, it served paninnis) which had a prestigious late licence and did £1 a drink Tuesdays. Thus, the bar was packed.

Now, we had a 'relief manager' for 2 weeks known to the staff as 'canary', because he never, ever changed his clothes, especially the bright yellow shirt he clearly thought attracted the ladies. He was Southern, and a total cock. Clearly lied about his salary (he slept on the dirty old staff sofa to avoid staying in a hotel), his prowess with women (he was 5 foot tall), and he was generally a slimy letch.

It was so busy that when I reached through the crowd to pass him a stack of empty pint glasses (he was 'helping out' by stacking the pot washer) they impacted and broke. He went, for some reason, apeshit (could be the fact I turned down his pathetic sexual advances the day before). Told me to get out, I was fired, and barred from the pub forever (harsh I know, I was more upset at losing £1 a drink Tuesday than my job). I stormed off. Well I called him a cockney twat and stormed off.

The next day I came in to collect my stuff. My regular boss had been called in because the night before had been a shambles (since I was the only one collecting glasses, they ran out, and when they'd run out of bottles too, people had deserted the bar.) Canary had a bandage on his hand and kept repeating how I'd nearly severed his thumb and I was a liability. After pointing out to my boss all of canary's 'truth issues' I proceeded to rip the bandage off his hand. No cut.

I was reinstated, and canary was fired. And barred. Bwahaha!
(Northern Lovely, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 14:19, Reply)

Clumsy Ballerina
I was barred from ballet at the age of three, I accidentally tripped one of the three blind mice up during a recital/performance.

I wasn't allowed to play tennis at school because I was so bad at it. I was ball girl for three years.

I was barred from judo for being a wimp.

My sixth form college was barred for life from the whole chain of Trusthouse Forte hotels after setting off a firework inside one hotel at our leavers ball.

And my friend was thrown out of playschool at the age of three for telling the teacherlady to fuck off.
(monkeyitis, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 14:12, Reply)

Auto-reply
Che Grimsdale is out of the office and will return on September 18th. Don't you dare have any good QOTWs while I'm not here.

p.s. What's happened to Capn. Hood-Butter? Can't believe he's not been barred from half the pubs in Europe, even though he was trying to STOP the trouble!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 14:11, Reply)

Dildar
Me and 3 mates were barred from the Dildar restaurant in Manchester about 8 years ago for throwing food at each other while leathered. No great loss, it was a shitty dump and its name sounds like a sex aid.

And a few years back I was very pissed in the Fly in Belfast and fell down the stairs to the toilets, whereupon the bouncers kicked me out. Which was a bit harsh I thought.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 14:05, Reply)

The good mixer
I was banned from the good mixer after the Australian barman followed me in after a tip off that I wrote graffiti. Sure enough he caught me and punched me straight in the mouth, smacked my head off the tiles all his mates dragged me out into the street kicking me n shit. I was laughing the whole time. It was only one little tag!

Anyhow now he's cool with me and we chat etc. I guess he thinks I've forgiven him... but I'm just waiting for my chance to put kitten poo in his Vegemite.
(bobbysands, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Queens
I'm barred from the Queens pub in Liverpool for biting a cheese toastie - twice.

It's a rubbish pub anyway
(Jugular, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:54, Reply)

the white hart, chiswick high road
i got banned from this pub for drinking many bottles of a maltese lager called CISK.

their problem? they dont sell it in there.

only got found out after the manager agreed to a lock in as well.
(magictorch, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:48, Reply)

Alloa
My Mate was banned from the one nightclub in Alloa. He threw his jacket across the club onto the bar.

Bouncer: you just threw your jacket at the Barstaff
mate: I didn't. I never came out with a jacket
Bouncer: I saw you
Mate: I never had a jacket.
Bouncer: you're going
Mate: I'm telling you, I never had a jacket

Proceeds like this for ten minutes, eventually the bouncer starts to escort him out. My mates response: Fair enough, can I get my jacket back. So they barred him for pissing around.

Seamonkey, must confess I have never been ejected from the penny black, but I was refused entry to it once at 7am. Was just a tad drunk.
(set_phasers_to_alkie, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:40, Reply)

Kiespike
Legless is right - please remove yourself from this board until you grow up.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:39, Reply)

Not Grand
I was once manhandled out of the Clapham Grand for winding shut the big velet curtain at the side of the stage across the 9 piece seventies band. The bouncers were putting so much effort into chucking me out no one thought to pull back the curtains again to reveal the musicians. I don't think anybody dancing really cared. I didn't either.
(neveryoumind, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:38, Reply)

I got barred from the Cambridge beer festival
There is a chap called Shaun who works at the festival and has a very silly hat with lots of badges on it.

I was a bit pissed and was standing at the glass stall stealing glasses and then trying to sell them back straight away. It was all good natured until Shaun rocks up.

Says I, can I make a comment on your hat? No you fscking can't says Shaun. An argument then ensued about why I couldn't make a comment on his hat. Over the tannoy, we heard "trouble at the glass collection, trouble at the glass collection". I looked up and saw 2 massive fat 'security' guys waddling over towards us as fast as their chubby legs could carry them. I was then frog marched out and told never to come back.

The next year I went back and they recognised me, but they couldn't remember why, so they were dead friendly to me. On the final night, I saw Shaun standing at the exit, so just as I was leaving, I asked "can I make a comment on your hat?". "Sure" says he. I says "It makes you look like a fucking cunt" and ran.
(thrain, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:24, Reply)

Nice head on this...
Im barred from shithole in Wigan for being mullered and wanting a piss. But my mate was telling a particularly gripping talel, so i took an empty pint glass and pissed in it under the table. I tried to place it on the the table without anybody noticing. BUT a friend of mine obviously knew what i had done, probabaly from the ecstasy on my face as i unleashed the frothy goodness into the pot. So he proceeded to rock the table so it would slop over the sides. A bit dribbled onto another mates shoe, we told him what it was and he made a massive commotion.

"What do you mean its piss!" could be heard from the other side of Wigan.

We were ejected forthwith.
(PieEater, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:17, Reply)

Bigger than all of you put together

In 1999/2000 the insurance company I worked for merged with another of roughly the same size. In order to create one huge company with a common brand identity, it was decided to hold a series of four full day ‘brand events’ in the Birmingham Exhibition Centre or whatever it’s called. Over the four consecutive days, one quarter of all staff would attend to meet ‘the other lot’ and have a fun day of branding nonsense. Billeting was in about four local business hotels.

Those that went on day one didn’t know what to expect, nor did those on day two. I was due to go on day three and we got to hear about it from the day-oners. We found out there was a free bar in the evening before the meal.

The event part of the day included a Q&A session led by none other than Michael Buerk of BBC fame, and the evening entertainment was Alistair MacGowan.

Now, when you work for an insurance company there are few perks. 13% discount on your insurance plus as many paperclips as you can palm doesn’t do it for most people, so the prospect of free booze was not to be missed….and it wasn’t. We started with bottles of beer, but found that the bar-staff were not stingy when we asked for spirits, so, in the hour before the meal, I managed about four bottles of bud and four very large scotches. Each table had ample bottles of red and white wine to go with the meal as well…

…my last memory is dirty dancing with a foxy lady from the helpline to the live band, and I vaguely remember spraying my bathroom with shit and vomit, though no idea how I got back to the hotel. Needless to say, I passed on the breakfast and only just made it back to the coach for a nightmare four hour journey home.

The upshot was that the WHOLE COMPANY was barred from Birmingham – apparently there was some serious abuse of room service, copulating couples in the bushes, vomit-a-plenty and other disgusting behaviour too shocking to ever be revealed.

Six or seven years on, people still talk fondly about those days, even though all the branding stuff was shelved when we merged yet again two years later.

[Off topic: ‘Quote me Happy’ – who can think up other 3-word phrases in this format, i.e. ‘imperative verb – pronoun – adjective’. My best efforts are ‘Fuck me Stupid’, ‘Suck me Silly’ and ‘Paint me Orange’. Answers on a post please]

DAMN – there goes all my credibility, still, at least you now know why I’m heading for a mid-life crisis.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:15, Reply)

Inappropriate footwear
At the tender age of 17, we decided one night that we would visit a new pub. A "high class" pub on Slough High Street by the name of the Litten Tree. As we try to enter one of our party is ID'ed, but manages to get in anyway via the medium of slipping one of the bouncers a tenner. Thus, their attention turns to me.

"You can't come in wearing them"
"Huh?"
"No trainers. Come back when you've got some shoes. Hur hur hur."

Their wit astounds me. Still, I'm not one to back down from a challenge, and seeing as my friends are refusing to do their drinking elsewhere, I swiftly hatch a cunning plan. A friend already in the pub sneaks out, concealed about his person the shoes of another mate. A quick change of footwear and he's back inside with my trainers hidden under the table. Back to the bouncers I go.

"I told you, you're not getting in like that."
*Gestures proudly at the four-sizes-too-big monstrosities on my feet*
"Fine, in you go then." *glower*

Several pints later all footwear is back with its rightful owner and the evening is going swimmingly. I pop down to the gents to use the facilities and am just zipping up and preparing to exit the cubicle when, to my horror, the door is kicked in and the two bouncers from the front door grab me, one to an arm. Heaping abuse on my poor head and refusing to entertain my request to wash my hands, I am turned horizontal and used as a battering ram on the doors, finishing up bruised in the street as a bouncer stands over me shouting "That's the last time you make fools of us, you little fuck. You're barred!"

So I went and got tanked elsewhere, and copped off with a lovely 24-year-old. On a bench just outside the Litten Tree, in full view of the bouncers. Which was nice.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:12, Reply)

Doing well to not get barred
Customers of the Windsor Buffet Bar in Edinburgh have been barred for the following deranged reasons over the past twelve months:
1. Farting (and having the nerve to claim it was a burp. Landlord wasn't having any of it).
2. Ordering a coffee
3. Being Spanish
4. Moving a chair
5. Laughing too loud
6. Making a mobile phone call
7. Receiving a mobile phone call
8. Not drinking enough (but never for drinking too much)
9. Not going to the pub enough (tricky one here).
(TaxiForRoy, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Shakespeare goes into a pub in Stratford...
'What can I get you, sir? says the Barman.
'A nice flagon of ale my good man.' says Shakespeare.
Shakespeare pays for it, drinks it and leaves.

The end.
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Shakespeare
Did you hear about when Shakespeare started a fight in his local?
He was bard! (barred).
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 12:49, Reply)

Co-op
I got barred from the Co-op near my old school for blocking the drive way round the front with a Walls Icecream sign.

Me and my friends put it in the way as a joke as someone we knew tried drive out, he found it funny too. However the manager didn't and yelled out the window "OY WANKERS YOUR BANNED".

Ignoring him i walked into the shop for the tannoy to call out "I SAID YOUR BANNED FUCK OFF!"

I tried go in a couple of weeks later and he came down and said "your still banned, and we refuse to serve you leave"
(Haggard, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 12:16, Reply)

Kiespike
You're just the sort of person I'd like to meet on a dark night when I'm in a bad mood.

There's mischief and there's mean - guess where you belong?

/OB Story

Whe I was 15 I was kicked out of English lit and never allowed back. We were supposed to be studying Chaucers Prologue To The Canterbury Tales but it was shit. So I grabbed a book off the bookshelf and put it inside my copy of Chaucer and read that instead. Then the teacher said:

"Legless - read aloud from the top of the page please..."

So I started...

"And Noddy said to Bigears......."

"OUT!! - And don't come back....."

No sense of humor, some people.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 11:54, Reply)

Every kebab house in my town..
One day, a couple of years back, i decided to go on a "jihad" against every kebab house in the small shitty town of Rugby..
2 years later, and ive finally won..

Salmans - Nice kebabs, but one of their arrogant staff tried to force himself on my at the time girlfriend..
Barred for :- assaulting said member of staff, serious racial comments.. physical abuse, spitting at the staff, and throwing the food back at them.. chased out with a machete and kebab slicer :S

Mehfill - NOW THIS IS A SHITHOLE..
Found a foot sill attached to my chicken leg :)
barred for :- pissing over the counter, throwing an unopened can of coke at one of the staff, jumping over the counter to "spill some blood" (apparently), going out the back of the shop and screaming "is that a dead dog???"

Buddy's :- not bad people actually..
crime:- reports of high semen content in the mayo..
punishment:- smashing the fruit machine over, and emptying a 3ltr bottle of white lightning all over the staff, and sticking raw bacon to the windows.. (i was 15 at the time)

Peppers :- now i quite like these guys cos they do indian too, i just like to make £50+ orders and get it delivered to a random house.. just for the laugh like...

oh well..
(kiespike, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 11:35, Reply)

drugs=OK underage=OK puke=bad
when I was 16, I used to frequent a pub. Party because they'd serve me even though I was too young and they knew it, but mostly because it was where I could score drugs. A small group of people sold pot, pills etc, quite openly there. I never had any trouple from the barstaff, until one night I staggered in after drinking a vile mixture of beer and whisky (as in actually mixed - not by me though), ordered a coke because, as I pointed out, I'd probably had enough. I then went out into the beer garden, puked and collapsed in a heap. i came to a bit later and climbed out over the wall.

They never let me in after that.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 11:17, Reply)

See Below
But instead of 'Sunday School' insert: 'Cub Scouts...

(The same kiddy fiddling God Lovers used to run our Cub group.)
.
(SproutsAreEvil, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 11:11, Reply)

banned from a whole country
I was thrown out of Monanco and told to never return or face a lengthy prison sentance. My crime? not wearing a shirt!
I am under a "life time ban" from Sunday school, for having the brass neck to ask questions "God doesn't like little boys who ask too many questions" fine screw you and that's the last time you touch me in the toilets.
also banned from my local chippy for getting the owners daughter pregnant.
Ancrenne you are spot on about the Kings Head in Bridgend, the tosser of a landlord was called craig. He once banned me because I took one of the barmaids out on a date and he wanted to shag her, worth it mind she was great!
(the tartful splodger, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 11:04, Reply)

Mercedes dealership in Watford
It's now become a Harley Davidson garage opposite Bushey train station.

Banned from the premises for playing street hockey and skating in the car park (after hours). Serves them right for building it on my local playground/open space then doesn't it!

The police were called and words were exchanged. I also delivered their local newspaper, which I stopped taking to them and abandoned in the flower bed 30m from the entrance (since I was no longer permitted on the premises you see!). I did this with great enjoyment and made sure I always caught the eye of the manager before dumping said newspaper in the wet shrubs :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 11:04, Reply)

it's all in the past
I managed to get myself barred from A level history, the teacher was a real smug tosser who was too busy being "down with the kids" by suggesting he did weed and learing at the girls chest (fair play some lovely ones there) Angriewho I had the balls to tell him he was wrong about something one day (the fact that Churchills mum was a yank)and he gave me his best smug look and said "oh I'm only the one with a degree and 20 years teaching experience blah blah blah you're just a kid" expecting me to back down, but when I know i'm right I never back down, I'm a twat like that. he ended up throwing me out. so the very next day I walked back into the class and threw a book at him "Read page X and then tell me I'm wrong!!" So he reads it and looks at me and says "you may be right but you're also banned from this class until you can apologise to me" my witty reply "you'll have a long wait you druged up lechorous cunt!" he's still waiting...
(the tartful splodger, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 10:52, Reply)

same grandad
who got barred from more than one grimy halifax establishment for stealing toilet rolls was also barred from his own old folks home.

at first the staff ignored the batty old ladies who were pleading that their nightly sherry was being stolen by a nasty man.

but it turned out to be my grandad, demanding sherry with menaces. he also ran up a £300 tab at the pub across the road when he worked out how to do the code on the gate. and when drinks are as cheap as they are in halifax, that's some going.

i didn't inherit it. one aftershock and i'm anyone's (if only anyone would have me...)!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 10:39, Reply)