well, not a insult exactly
my freshman year college roommate was one of those people who consults the bible before they butter their toast. one day i am downloading music and i say in surprise "hey, someone made a techno remix of Vivaldi"

"who?" he asks

"who? Vivaldi, he's a famous classical composer"

"never heard of him"

"never heard of him? he's Vivaldi, how have you never even heard of Vivaldi?"

"look, he's old and he's dead, he's not important."

"well so is jesus, but you seem to think he's important"
(HalfwayHebrew, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 7:14, Reply)

A few days ago I dropped a plate, millions of pieces of glass on the floor. My reply:

"You win again Newton!"
( RarelyEvil, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 6:54, Reply)

Stolen...
...from a crappy sitcom the other night:

Q "You know what shows you in a bad light?"

A "Light"
(trickster69, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 6:04, Reply)

three more...
when i can't think of anything better to say i say:

1. if you were my child i would have eaten you while your bones were still soft.

2. your ma should have swallowed.

3. the best part of you ran down your ma's leg.

gross but gets the point across :)
(i watch the cars, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 4:33, Reply)

In Honor of Peewee
"Infinity, infinity."
(julreebbs, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 3:39, Reply)

Best Comeback
In 1976, I coined the phrase "Nice shot, Wad." It came to me while listening to a very chauvinistic creep making an ass out of himself. All of a sudden, while he was trying to impress some lady, he sneezed a huge old booger. It landed on her chest. I said, "Nice shot, Wad." I have since heard this over and over through the years, but twas I, who first uttered it.
(julreebbs, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 3:30, Reply)

Me? Bent?
When I was at school I was sitting in a physics lesson (bored as ever). There was a lad there (Simon Marjoram) who, bless him, had a camp voice. Some kids were ribbing him. One said "Hey, Simon, are you bent" (bent as in gay). Simon, quick as a flash replied "...No dear, just a little curved at the edges".
Strangley he wasn't picked on from that day on.
Respect Simon.
(Roobarb, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 3:24, Reply)

At my birthday party, mid-teens
We were doing a bit of shouting, and my mother called me up to ask me to keep the noise down, and ask my friends to not say the 'A' and 'S' words so much.

There was really nothing else I could do, was there? Opened the basement door, took a deep breath, and screamed "Hey! Stop swearing you fucking cunts!"

Had to have 'a long talk' afterwards, but I must not have learned anything, since I still think that was pretty funny.
(Random Ferret, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 3:08, Reply)

Running Late for Work
Boss: You should have been here half an hour ago!

Me: Why??? What HAPPENED???!!
( Strangey is present at, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 2:49, Reply)

My dad tells me that
once he and his older brother were in an art gallery for some reason, pretending to know what they were doing, and most likely fairly bladdered.

Me dad: "Daff, do you like art?"
Me nunc: "No, not really."
"Do you know anything about art?"
"Nope."
"Hmmmm. But [wink wink] you know what you like, right?"
(Deadpan): "Yeah. But it's not art."

Not a comeback per se, but unbeatable in terms of sheer comedic timing no?

Similarly, my best mate and I did A-Level psychology, and it was a fucking doss, we just sat around and argued the toss four hours a week. Just after Columbine, we were talking about Americans shooting the shit out of each other. Sensibly enough, he's saying that it's not a surprise in a country that is obsessed with guns and making guns and owning and shooting guns. A normally timid, quiet girl pipes up;

"But it's not guns that kill, it's people."

"Yeah," says Chris, immediately and crushingly, "people with guns."

All in the timing, see?
(unholysmoke, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 2:43, Reply)

one doing the rounds lately
in my neck of the woods...
"Thanks Captain Obvious!"
(suddener, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:49, Reply)

What's Up, Doc?
My roommate and I were heading back to my dorm at night, and outside were a bunch of loud, drunk, and probably stoned, guys. One swaggered over to us, grinning, and cockily asked, "What's up, ladies?" Well, more like, "Wazuplayyyydees?"
To which I replied, "Your blood-alcohol level, apparently."
I kept walking, and heard him reply with a drunken giggle a few moments later, "You've got me there."
(ladycat, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:49, Reply)

My apologies
them: "had your mum last night"
me: I'm sorry.
( Eleroach13, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:44, Reply)

Back when me and my brother were younger, he was always
known as the "slow" twin, and I was the supersmart "twin". We were about 18, and my brother who is extremely quick witted was asking me if I knew what "loquacious" meant. At the time, I didn't know so all night twin is getting drunker and yelling "Sue doesn't know what loquacious means" to all and sundry in the pub. After a couple of hours of this (and my smirking, drunken family not telling me) I yelled "I may not know what it means but I bet I can fucking spell it" and proceeded to spell it correctly. Twin went white, mum laughed so hard her false teeth nearly fell out and I got a round of applause from the bar.

Got bought a few beers for that one.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:42, Reply)

I was going to the ABC store
the local liquor store, for those that aren't familiar.
Anyways...it was kinda, really, well...very ghetto with bars on the windows and guns for the cash register people. I couldn't even browse...had to walk up to the desk and request my drinks of choice. No matter, I ended up with a huge bag, and I'm quite a little person...height wise...cute none the less and quite tangential.
Some rather questionable looking thugs were outside and tried to "Holla" at me. One asked, "hey, girl, whatchoo got in the bag?" to which I coldly replied "a bad habit, thank you very much!"
They shut up rather promptly to my utter delight.
(Yvette wants babies that Weebl, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:37, Reply)

A random tramp and his incest quip.
I saw a bunch of kids hassle an old tramp in the high street one day and they were calling him every single vile name they could think of....after maybe 10 minutes of this barrage of abuse the tramp had enough and roared at the top of his voice 'AWAY AND PULL YER UNCLE OAF YER MAW'.

The look of confusion on the kids faces was classic and it took them at least 15 minutes to figure it out.
(williebumjobbie, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:30, Reply)

Marmite
There used to be this girl who hung around with us, even though noone liked her on account of her being a total cow. She was always trying to flirt with other peoples' boyfriends (and had recently split up a 9-year relationship by doing just this).

Anyhoo, she tried it on with my friend, lets call him Steve, sticking her tits out and saying in her best provocative voice:

"I'm just like Marmite - you either love me or hate me"

Steve replied:

"Yeah well I fucking hate Marmite"
(feckless student, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:16, Reply)

One night after too many beers,
I was with my friend and my fiance. We were at a local pizza place and I was feeling rowdy. My fiance, Jayme, mentioned to a friend of his ex girlfriend that we had gotten engaged. So she told the ex, who promptly came over to tell us how happy (yea right) that she was for us. I find her to be a most annoying waste of skin. She had on numerous occasions, said a lot of stuff behind my back as to how she didn't like me and blah blah. As she is rambling her congratulations, I am getting quite peeved. She was a mean girlfriend to my fiance and one thing she would never do was give him oral sex. Her friend walks in and says, "Hey your friend is looking for you." She said she would be with them in a bit. He leaves. Comes back to tell her that it was ok, to take her time cause she was "sucking some guys di*k". To which I replied, "That's impossible, M******t doesn't suck di*k, just ask Jayme!" She just looked at me and walked away. I shouted to her about how much I didn't like her or her bad mouthing me. Funny, she never came near me again.

First reply here, love to read em all tho.
(i watch the cars, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:05, Reply)

Scene: Cambridge Market.
A woman, obviously a Daily Mail subscriber, is lightly ranting to the clerk, who responds notcommitally. Behind her a young, bearded, vaugely Germanic white male with a backpack waits patiently.

Mrs. Pepperpot: ... and they're just crawling all over the place. I was in London last week and it's full of Them. All those foreigners -- and the PM wants us to join the European Union.
(Pepperpot turns, notices the young man behind her)
Mrs. Pepperpot: Ooh, don't tell me, you're from Germany or somewhere.
Me: No, I'm actually from Sussex, and I agree with you. Bloody foreigners should all go back to where they came from. The Pakis, the Yids, the Normans, the Saxons, the Romans -- everybody should just clear off and leave Britian for the British!
(Pepperpot scuttles off to her dank hovel)
(notcarlos, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 1:05, Reply)

Front row of a comedy gig
Compere is struggling a little bit, telling us his history and says, "Did any of you see me when I performed as Mr Angry?".

Quick as a first fuck, my mate shouts back, "No, but I think I bought an ice-cream off you when you were Mr. Whippy."

Biggest laugh of the night.
( Skotzmun Blah blah secret passage blah blah diamonds., Fri 30 Apr 2004, 0:49, Reply)

A friend...
...of mine, whenever faced with an insult, would reply with one of two variations: i)"YER MAM" (in the best mushybees style) or ii)"No thanks mate, I'm not hungry".

These retorts were often so utterly devastating to the assailant that it often required them to receive mental health care for the shock they had sustained.
( the_manhattan_project, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 0:48, Reply)

long hair
old conservative type: I can't tell if you're a man or a woman with all that long hair
me: why don't you suck my cock and find out?
(globalloon, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 0:43, Reply)

Works especially well with people with accents:

f: -mocker/insult/whatever
me: sorry, I don't understand you
f: -carries on-
me: WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?
(logic2, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 0:00, Reply)

I always liked....
.....The only reason there's no incest in your family is cause your mum can run faster than your grandad.....

or

....if you had half a brain you'd be dangerous...

or

.....ahh, timeshare brain cell eh?......

or

.....don't worry love, my mum used to dress me too.....


(have used these too)

Mary
(mary magdalen, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:57, Reply)

also
the other day a woman, a total bitch I used to work with but she quit, came in. She had obviously lost weight. I didn't say anything to her about it while everyone was gushing about how "Beautiful she looked" and blah blah blah. This went on for about a half an hour. I said nothing at all to her and kept working. So a few people come up to me and ask me why I haven't said anything, I say "about what?" so Brenda (the bitch) comes over. "Hello?" She does this twirl. "Can't you see how I have changed??" To which everyone(10 people) comes over to my cubicle. "Come on can't you tell?" To which I respond "Well, I can tell your still a fucking cunt, I know that much hasn't changed!" and walked away.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:50, Reply)

Not exactly a classic but for some reason I can't stop saying it
This is NOT Burger King and you cant have it YOUR FUCKING WAY!
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:42, Reply)

and finally...honest (until i think of some more anyway!)
Whenever someone says sarcasm is the lowest form of Wit I always say 'Welcome to the gutter' or if they are boring folk (like I probably am with these postings ;)) say 'Exscuse me can you write that down, so I can read it later and it help me get off to sleep!'
last one...not a come back as such but we were at the bar discussing whether some girl was a virgin or not, and my brother turned round (during a lull in conversation) and said' Well why dont you just fuck her and see if she bleeds' it certainly shut most of the pub up!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:18, Reply)

You smell and you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny
Works as well at 21 as it did at 12.
(fooki girl, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:17, Reply)

on the subject...
My folks were away so my best mate stayed over at mine for two weeks of drinking,smoking and attempting to pull birds, we had lots of success at the former but none of the latter 9we were 17) anyway we had a party and a few mates round, walking to the off licence one of our ex mates who i shall call Craig (for that is his name,and because his dad was a dead end no hoper shit shoveller at the local farm, he ended up with the nickname sheepy...) was ripping the piss out of everyone and everything,until my mate Jamie turns round and just says 'But you shag sheep don't you?'
Craig just turned and ran off home. Point proved I think!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:15, Reply)

not mine mk3
I've heard Stephen Fry recount an occasion on which Peter Cook was cooly drinking in the Playboy Club in New York, only to to witness a 'bunny girl' getting harassed by some petulant lump of lard. Peter went over to the fellow and told him to relax, at which point the man screamed "Do you know who I AM?". Peter picked up the club microphone and adressed the whole building with "Sorry to interrupt your evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, but we have a man at reception who doesn't know who he is. If anyone could identify him, the management would be most grateful".

With everyone laughing at him, the little man turned to the Bunny girl and said "Fuck you lady!", to which Cook quickly cut "Sorry chum, there's a queue for that too."

Genius!
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:14, Reply)