Nutter Butter
Until reading this thread, I had not often heard the term "nutter" used to mean crazy/bonkers/insane.
This got me thinking...there is a brand of peanut butter cookie/biscuit called "Nutter Butter" in the US - I'm not sure if you have them in the UK or not, as shopping for biscuits wasn't my primary activity during any of my visits to the UK. But if "nutter" = "crazy person", it's interesting to think what kind of product might have the name "Nutter Butter" in your fair land. Because throngs of loonies running loose while covered in a specially-formulated butter-like substance would be hilarious.
(chase, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 15:55, Reply)

Fatal Attraction
I once boffed this woman while my wife was away. She wouldn't leave it as a one night stand, and started to stalk me.
One day she put my kids rabbit in a saucepan!
I eventually thought I had managed to drown her in the bath, but she jumped out and tried to stab me, so my wife shot her.
(Details may be a bit sketchy as it happened in the 80's, and i have since married a welsh bird).

You don't even want to know about the lass with no knickers a few years later.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 15:45, Reply)

Paris?
Along with this one: www.b3ta.com/questions/ignoringinstructions/post53816/

The same thankfully now ex was a master a completely spakking out at totally random times.

Some favourites include:
- Phoning me at 3am to ask if I had any paperclips at my place, because she didn't have any...
- Constantly asking when my works Christmas do was and if she was going to be invited (in August??)
- Throwing a pint glass at my friend who had popped round to see if we both wanted to go out for a drink, screaming "If I wanted to go out for a drink, I wouldn't have just made myself one at home, would I? [Ah, female logic]

and along with the electrocution incident, I guess the big warning sign was towards the end, when we were both looking for an excuse to get out (her back to her boring, financial advisor husband who she swore blind she never wanted to see again) but we had a weekend in Paris booked so we decided to make the most of it.

She spoke about 10 words to me for the entire 2 days. The last 2 being "F*** Off"... at the top of her voice. In the lift going up the Effiel Tower.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 15:16, Reply)

In what seems like a previous life...
..I went through a rapid succesion of ladies whilst I worked in a popular record store - we shall call them Girls A-C. Girl A, a lovely blonde I had been seeing for a few months, had recently left work to go to Uni and we'd split up. Prior to this I'd 'accidentally' slept with Girl B - a bonkers but horny redhead who worked for me and was most unimpressed that I didn't want a relationship with her (company policy) and proceeded to make my life hell because of it. Finally, Girl C was a young brunette student I also worked with. Fast forward a few months and suddenly all three of them are together at work, causing me immense amounts of stress. I managed to avoid most awkward situations until one lunchtime I entered the staffroom only to find it empty save for the three of them, all sitting there looking at me - it only hit me then - redhead, blonde, brunette....it was just like the Witches of Eastwick!

Tenuous link I know - it's just not often I get to tell the story of my brief fanny magnetism, so no apologies for anything.
(mcnelson, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 15:01, Reply)

For some reason...
...most of the girls I go out with seem normal at first, only to eventually end up as frumpy lunatics.

I thought the problem was with me for a while until I remembered that I'm fucking perfect! :-D
(misteroz, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:57, Reply)

Eeek...first time for us all.....
I attract nutters....Like seriously...I think it's my perfume...

There was the guy who liked me to spank his cock (like really hard, it hurt my hand)and call him daddy, who pissed up my wordrobe one night...and thought love was smacking your head in...yet I stayed with him for like 2.5years....
The one who followed me everywhere, and even got a job where I worked which he got fired from for, well, being a creepy stalker...
The guy who I wouldn't date so offered me £1000 to go over for dinner...(he also knew my middle name, house no shoe size etc....)
Then there is the current ex.....aarrgghhhh
Then there is the guy at uni who i have only just met and just said love you after a phonecall.....I only wanted to find out if class was on...

I collect them, it's like my own freak boy collection...

I am now a lesbian...
(firekat, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Women Crying
Why do women cry with happiness? And why is it utterly indistinguishable from crying with sadness? The perplexities of the female mind elude me.

Thankfully though that's about all the emotional trauma I've been put through by a girlfriend.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:44, Reply)

Basildon
I was on an NHS contract, met a feminist who could screw for the Olympics. Great.
One day, after 3 weeks of this, (I'd lost a stone but was very content) I caught her packing her trunk to move out. When I asked whatsup - she clawed my chest with her short but incredibly sharp nails and told me she had an anal fixation and goodbye.

The scars on my chest took antibiotics and a year to heal over.
What was under her fingernails probably caused the infection, makes me shudder to think about it.
(chrisjw, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:38, Reply)

She was a lap dancer called Corinne
She had an off-the-scale body straight out of my fantasies, a beautiful face with black eyes and full lips, and long dark hair: a Latina princess. Think Salma Hayek with more height.

We met in the supermarket of all places and got talking about stem ginger. She invited me to watch her dance and my eyes stood out on stalks when I saw her in her micro G-string giving every guy in the place a boner.

We became lovers. I say love, but it was an inferno of lust. She was the first to moan as I came on her face, the first to beg me for anal, the first to offer her pretty pink tongue for me to come on as she stared at me imploringly.

But she was demanding. it started with asking me to use cosmetics to make my skin softer. I'm from Sheffield - such shit isn't easy to accept. She made me get highlights in my hair and shave my parts; she called me 'Daddy' when we had sex ... but she was so red hot, I couldn't say no.

Then the 'normal' sex wasn't enough for her. She wanted me to watch her as she fellated some guy in a back alley because it made her 'feel dirty'. She'd strip with all the curtains open so that the street became full of guys with cameras. And she was jealous, too.

She'd follow me in her car and call my friends to check up on where I'd been. A woman I'd laughed with in a shop ended up with a black eye from an unknown assailant. Then there was the time I came round from an orgasm so strong I'd almost blacked out to discover her holding a handgun and asking me, "You'll never leave me, will you?"

Sex or death? The sex was worth it. She was an animal. Being between her legs was like riding a hurricane; her ever-liquid parts were a phenomenon of nature, milking my weary schlong of every last drop.

But I had to have her put down when she got the rabies ... oh wait a minute, that doesn't really work, does it? I saw someone else do something similar and ... oh, never mind.
(frankspencer, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:32, Reply)

Multiple personalities
I've been out with loads of nutters in my time.

As have I.

Oh really? Me too.

Yup, me also, loads of 'em.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:08, Reply)

moleygunn
I really hope you're joking.

If not, I hope you wax your balls before expecting your partner to do the equivalent.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 14:03, Reply)

Phone Call
I think the weirdest girl I've ever had the privilege of dealing with was the girl who phoned me in the middle of the night because she wanted to hear my voice while masturbating. How she knew I was masturbating is beyond me.



(Apologies to Frank Skinner).

In real life, the most beautiful but bonkers girl I ever went out with was the one who insisted on telling me all about her previous boyfriend, the one who shared the same name as me, was ten years older, and who she had shared the wildest nights of passion in her life with.

Kinda spoiled the charade when we first had sex and I broke her hymen. When I broke up with her, she carried on being all clingy and girlfriendy the following day, denying that anything had happened, and that we were still together. I had to break up with her for a second time, which was fun.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Icky
Short-term ex was giving me back my possessions after we split. In answer to my enquiries of where my little silky nightdress and towel were, he answered that he was going to keep them, in a box.
To this day, I have visions of inappropriate sniffing going on and no, I really don't want them back.
(NJ, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 13:28, Reply)

WTF?
Having dated a few nutters in teh past, I felt I should share one of my tales with you.
About 2 years ago, I met a guy in my then local pub, let's call him Adam. We shared loads of interests and got on like a house on fire. We laughed until we cried, having exactly the same sense of humour and from that day fourth, he stayed with me most nights at my place.
Forward a few months and we moved in together in a tiny cottage in the grounds of a church. We would sit at our candle-lit dining table each night and imagine our wedding photographs, which would be almost in our own back garden. All was bliss....until [insert pscyho noises].
He returned from the pub one evening and proceeded to fall asleep outside the cottage - in the churchyard - in winter. I managed to wake him and bring him in, to avoid hypothermia, only to be thanked with a fist in the face (breaking my nose) and being threatened with a 9-inch kitchen knife. After stealing my Metallica CDs, putting my car keys in the bin and drowning my mobile phone in the bath, the nutcase left. Hmmm, never did quite understand that one...
(NJ, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 13:20, Reply)

She's calling Big Earl...
Earlier this year me and a few mates went into Manchester for my bro's stag night. We were booked into a Travel Lodge in the centre and were a stone's throw from the drinking areas, which we were quick to attend. After a few hours getting hammered I decided enough was enough and walked back, and promptly fell asleep fully clothed.

At about half 3 all hell broke loose. I was sharing the room with two others, but as well as them, two other mates turned up and 4 lasses (I say lasses, one of them was the same age and consistency as Dierdie Barlow). Anyway, two were fit sisters, early twenties and obviously battered. I say that because they both took a shine to my minging mates and one was soon laid on the pull-out bed with said mate getting it on. I was having none of it and told them to do one, but my mate (being sex-starved) started showing off and telling me to shut up, which I wasn't about to do. Then the fun began. She:

- Asked me why I was so agressive (I told her I had issues with my Dad to shut her up, but she turned into Oprah and started deconstructing my psyche)
- Swore at me when I asked her to leave and threatened physical violence.
- Called me a 'cock', 'prick' and 'bastard' and said she was going to have me shot
- Eventually left only to return several minutes later saying we had her handbag (we didn't). She then sat on my bed and started stroking my hair. I hit the roof and threw her out. More threats of being shot.
- Set the fire alarm off as she left leaving us to explain to 150+ guests and the fire service what was going on.

A couple of hours later I got a text from my mate who told me she'd called 'Big Earl' and he was coming to shoot us all in the morning. I checked for snipers on the opposite roofs the next day but fortunately our flak jackets and covert cross-town movements saved our lives.
(titusyouclown, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Twas like an angry spider convention
I lived in southern Spain for a few years, and knew a girl from England from her frequent holidays. One year she came over with her very lovely friend who I took quite a shining to.

There was an undeniable connection between the two of us, and after a few days and a few glasses of wine one thing led to another.

So there I am focking tearing the clothes off her, about to be up to the cannon wheels in this northern beauty. I decide to go down on her for a little bit, to up the sexual ante.

So I pull her knickers off, and what am I presented with? Only the fockin' hairiest box I'd ever seen. Probably unshaven since it's inception, it had even encrouched on her thighs. Finding it difficult to not get sick I stood up and said to her.

"Looks like I'll have to set up camp and find the clitorus in the morning, love." and walked out.

Two days later our mutual friend bumps into me in a local bar. She says "X has shaved, and she wants to bring you out to dinner."

Eh?
(moleygunn, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 12:58, Reply)

Ah yes, pursued her for 3+ years at uni...
Dated her for 6 months, during which time she accused me of being possessed by a devil of rationality, bought me a hideous clown teapot, and generally acted crazy go nuts.

The accusation of posession for arguing using logic should have been a pointer... I was never so relieved to be out of a relationship.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 12:55, Reply)

I see dead people....
Back in Uni I went out with a girl who claimed see could she her (long-time-dead) grandfather in her room when we were having sex. Hmmm... v. off-putting. She also had craven emotional instabilities: she only went out with me to piss off her best friend (who was an ex of mine...). Once when watching the movie Alien together she said Harry Dean Stanton was sending her telepathic messages. To top this, when I split up with her she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia six months later. Hmmm....
(noelyboy, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 12:08, Reply)

She was definatly bonkers...
Back in 1992 I was in the countryside near San Fierro in the State of San Andreas where I met this woman called Catalina. She just left some black guy named Carl who aparrently was hiding out from Los Santos cause his gang got ambushed or some shit, But that's another story. Anyway where was I oh yeah, She was a fucking bitch.

It all started when she made me race against carl for pink slips (whilst doing it with her at the same time), But I fucking lost to him and ended up giving him my run down garage in San Fierro because we needed the car to go to Liberty City. I then go with her to Liberty City and rob some places until one day back in 2001 we were robbing a bank and then, and only then, she decides to shoot me and leave me for dead (can you believe it). I get arrested and sentenced to go to prison but as luck would have it, The convoy i was in gets ambushed by the Columbian Cartel as we were going over the Callahan Bridge. After they take this oriental guy, Me and this other black guy called 8-Ball knock out the guards and escape, and get this, we then noticed that the Cartel only planted a fucking bomb on the bridge and blow it up.

So anyway, after the bridge blew up we escaped in a car that was left near by (I had to drive because 8-Ball's hands were messed up) and we hide out in the Red Light Distrct of Portland. So i'm stuck on Portland and I managed to get some work from some people and the local mafia guys running a few "errands" for them. Then a few days later whilst doing a favor for Salvatore Leone (the head of the Leone family) I noticed that Catalina was working for the Cartel who were making some drug on a ship at Portland Docks (fucking bitch), so me and 8-Ball (who apparanly is a bomb expert) go and blow up the ship. Afterwards Salvatore decides to get rid of me by planting a bomb in a car that he sent me to pick up (he apparantly was betrayed back in '92 by Carl, But that's another story), But luckily his wife Maria (who was fit and had the hots for me) sends me a message on my pager (because I don't talk much see) and warns me about it so I escape to Staunton Island with her and we hide out with this woman called Asuka (who apparantly runs the Yakuza on the island with her brother Kenji), She then sends me back to Portland to kill Salvatore, So I did. I then go back to Staunton and do a few jobs for some people.

Anyway after a while I find out that Catalina is on the island hiding out in some construction site, I go pay her a "visit" and I was about to shoot her when she decides to shoot this other guy she was with named Miguel and escape. After Asuka and Maria (who by the way were getting along a little too well) tortures Miguel thinking that the Cartel killed Kenji (it was really me as a favor for some guy named Donald Love, But thats's another story), Catalina comes back and kills Asuka and Miguel and kidnaps Maria expecting me to pay a ransom for her. So I go to this mansion in Cedar Grove on Shoreside Vale and I give Catalina the money only for the Cartel to ambush me and try to kill me, So I kill all the Cartel members and I noticed that Catalina escapes in a helicopter, with Maria still held hostage, So I follow it and it ends up at Cochrane Dam. So I go there and I kill all the Cartel members there, Then Catalina tries to escape again but I was having none of it, So I take out my rocket launcher and I blow up the helicopter as she was escaping (fuck yeah!). I then rescue Maria, but she kept bitching about her hair and her nails so I fucking shot her with my shotgun. Christ, I sure can pick them.

*insert crude penis reference here*
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 11:54, Reply)

Is that my sock?
I had a brief fling with a girl at college which ended because she was a bit of a nut...

18 months later I saw her on a train when we were heading to Southend... Being the nice guy that I am, I went to say hello but she had one of my socks in her hand and she was twirling it around her fingers as if it was a comforter. When I asked "Is that my sock?" she said "No" reached in to her pocket and pulled out another sock "This is your sock" and tried to give it back to me... "Er, No thanks, you can keep it, see ya". Very scary - Well I was actually quite flattered . . .
(aroe_m0rre, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 11:27, Reply)

golddust
"If you don't know...I'm not going to tell you!"

The answer to that of course is "Fair enough, can't be that important then. I'm off down the pub."

Mine doesn't do that anymore, I think I've cured her.
( Kroney, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 10:57, Reply)

Crazy Polish girl
we were together for about 9 months. I would break up with her (because she was very high maintenence, everything was a drama) and she would somehow lure me back (probably because I was weak-willed and she was good in bed)

After declaring she thought me to be a 'genetically satisfying match', and in an effort to keep me, she secretly began disposing of her contraceptive pill each morning, while leaving the packet in clear view.
(Mildred is a slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Damn straight Golddust
That and the word "fine", as in:

Me: "Are you ok?"
Her: "I'm FINE", said in a manner suggesting shes anything but "fine" and I have to guess what piddling trite I have supposedly done wrong (*seethes*)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 10:42, Reply)

Oh yes! Boo hoo
bigmeuprudeboy, apparently that's known as a "crygasm" and, yes, it can be fairly disconcerting, but apparently for some women it's a normal physiological response.

Hat's off though, unconsoloable for an hour afterwards. That's pretty good going!
(flimflam_machine, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 10:39, Reply)

I think I've written about her before
I was 17, she was too. She wore short skirts, had wonderful dress sense, she was my first kiss outside the Nationwide on St Andrews Street in Cambridge, (I'm a right romantic, me).
But on the evening we met, she professed undying love for me, which should've had my alarm bells ringing.
It didnt.
They started to ring when she used to call and not speak to me.
They started to ring when she wanted to buy a car with me (we had been together for 3 weeks at this point).
They kept ringing after we split up, she used to try and make me jealous by getting 'close' to my mates.
The final straw came when a friend and I were walking over the railway bridge to college and she insisted on stopping me, telling my mate to go away, all so she could tell me she'd not been accepted to the college next year to do her A Levels.
I wasnt really bothered, we'd been split up for weeks, so I simply wished her "Happy Landings" and walked off.
I *did* spend the rest of the afternoon worrying that she'd thrown herself off the bridge.

Apparently a friend of mine's kids go to the same school as hers now, he met her the other week and said he regularly saw me... (this is 15 years after the event, remember).. apparently she was 'slightly retiscent' to talk about me.

Never mind the quality, feel the width.
(LunarJim, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 10:26, Reply)

"If you don't know....
... I'm not going to tell you!"


kinda sums up the whole female experience really.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 10:15, Reply)

Play Dead????
Ok was out with a girl who was a tad bizzar but oh so cute, she offered me back to hers for "coffee". Things are getting hot and steamy, Groping stroking being firm but yet tender then out of nowhere she says wait stop I have an idea (Getting brown wings sprung to mind) she nips out the room in mid swing then comes back with a white sheet. hmm me thinks...(alarm bells ring) "ok close your eyes and lie still" she said and i feel her place the sheet on top of me which had a hole in it for my member to poke out of. ok could be worse. next i feel her playing with me feet i think ok odd time for a foot rub. Soo i decied to have a quick look to see what she is up to as i do she wispers ok lie still and dont move or breath, Er sorry do what. i sit bolt upright white sheet and all now with added toe tag. throw the sheet onto her grab my clothes and run. fast.

lenth gitrh and almost real live riggamortice.
(Bad Badger, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 9:40, Reply)

she liked taking me around the world........
she liked buying me clothes
she liked taking me to clubs and restaurants
but she really did not like me giving her an orgasm.
(here I start sounding a tad big headed) According to her I was the only bloke who had made her cum..and it obviously upset her a lot as on reaching a climax she'd burst into tears and would be totally unconsolable for anything upto an hour...
she also wouldnt let her cat go out of the house because she thought he'd be 'scared'
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 9:36, Reply)