Let's face it
We're all deranged. Men and women alike. Some obviously more than others. The ones that find happiness are people who find someone about as nutty as themselves. It's the only way it will ever work.
I've been that nutter once (stalking in car etc.), although in my defence I was young and stupid. I've also been married and divorced. I am 24. Whoops.
And another ex of mine had a tendency to come at me with knives when drunk on vodka. Not in a nasty way (believe it or not), more in a 'test of trust' thing. Aaaaaaaaaaaargh...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 15:38, Reply)

many years ago i was half watching Baywatch on the telly when my
intensely jealous girlfriend sidled up next to me and whispered in my ear using a voice not disimiliar to Gollems...'Do you like staring at all those tits & imagining what it's like fucking all them bitches?'.
I jumped as I hadn't realised she was in the room, she having entered from the bedroom behind me.
I panicked and as she stormed out I stood up shouting 'I wasn't staring at the tits, I was following the story!'.
(If this weeks question was 'the worst comeback line of all time' then I'd surely be a winner!).
Bless her though, she'd had big problems with the men before me. She was gorgeous and slim with an arse you could bounce a penny off. Then she met me, became happy, put on weight because she was happy, went as mad as a barrel of squirrels and i left. She was then miserable, became slim again and repeated the cycle with someone else.
Turns out she was diagnosed schizo a few years later...does this mean I dated two beautiful & bonkers women or one?
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 15:22, Reply)

Christ on a bike...
...don't get me wrong, no-one's perfect and some of my girlfriends (when I was the girlfriends type) were a tad short of what I'd call sane usually in a comedic way, sometimes just plain sad, but reading some of these... Glad to be gay? I am now :)

That said, I've happened across a few idiots and just one slightly scary fucker on the other side of the fence since I jumped over it, but nothing I couldn't handle. Y'see, I have a rule that I set when I came out and have always stuck to it - it's 'never fuck anyone you can't fight off'. That's one advantage on this side - if the other half is out of order, it's possible and sometimes even expected to spark them for it :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 15:13, Reply)

Nutter
I've been that nutter y'all - not to the point of knife-at-the-door, climbing up the wall, mad as a box of frogs, wrist cutting, head spinning, eye gouging, complete total whack-job though - No sir, not that far.

Not by a long stretch.

Just mild phone stalking, that is all - And I stopped when she pointed out that I was turning into a loon that she would stop being friends with if I didn't (Note - I did stop and we're still friends).

Anyhoo (I like that word so I'll keep using it) - I'm better now. I am. Really. Promise.

Edit - I'm always nice to women as I was brought up polite - Nut-jobs will always turn out that way.

Extra Edit - I'm as sane as the next man - Possibly not sane like some other b3ta posters though :-P

No penis joke here as I'm not proud of those events.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:35, Reply)

More beautifully bonkers really
... as she wasn't a looker.

A work colleague was dumped only a month before her wedding. Apparently her fiance was already married, so had to call it off, but it would still be OK to keep seeing her, yes?

She told me about this at work, but when I asked assured me she was OK. No tantrums, no tears, no fuss.

Just an order for thousands of pounds of pink stationery that turned up a few days later. Pink paper, pens, rulers, tip-ex (yes, you can get pink tip-ex), ring binders, you see where I'm going with this.

Best. Breakdown. Ever.
(Throbbe, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:35, Reply)

Not bonkers per se, but quite an amusing tale
One girl just this summer wasn't particularly bonkers (she should've been though, parents threw her out + wonky breasts + making a tit of her life up to the age of 17 could of made her a fruitcake), but this was our relationship.

(Met her off the internet)

1pm - Met
1:30pm - She announces she fancies me
2pm - We're officially girlfriend & boyfriend
2:15pm - Sex
3:15pm - She's planning our first holiday
4pm - More sex
5pm - Kiss goodbye
6pm - Dumped

Honest to god that was the relationship. Luckily my new girlfriend (who I also met off the internet) has lasted 40x longer (about two weeks), and is still going strong.

We're taking it slowly....
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Dippy bint
She (let's call her Jake, for t'was my pet name for her) helped pop my cherry and subsequently we stayed together for years. Only evidence of mentalism through all those years surfaced just weeks before my finals at Uni when she decided she'd had enough and wanted us to settle down.
"buh..buhh...I'm nearly finished 5 years of tertiary education sweetness then I'll be able to find a job and we can do all those things we've talked about"
"Nope...you're binned"

Fast forward a few weeks and I'm in a vodka-raddled oblivion with fook-all chance of doing my finals, when one of my flatmates comes home looking like his entire family has been eviscerated before his eyes. Turns out this stringy, good for nothing, slimy, weaselly f##ker had been giving my ex a shoulder to cry on during her time of distress and had been a little more supportive than intended (or not !) This news worked like a dunk in the North Sea, I sobered up, slithered through my finals scraping a degree then went home to the parentals and normal life.
Time goes by and I get a call - would I like to pop down to her parents ? (We stayed in the same town) I think about it and say OK...then experience the most surreal afternoon of my then young life. Her parents proud as you like, with their yowling grandchild. Completely oblivious to the pain and distress their dippy bitch of a daughter's subjected me to and the bint in question (obviously in post-maternal hormonal turmoil) clawing at me, trying to get me upstairs for a "quickie for old times sake"...FFS !

Got my sh#t together after that, and hooked up with a gorgeous girl I'd met during my lost couple of months before finals...she's now the missus :0)

[Postscript: Heard through the small town grapevine. Jake had settled down with an ex-mate of mine...Overweight, skin complaints, farted like a trooper and studied to be an accountant - so a real catch ! Jeez - hope he doesn't read B3ta...you could NOT mistake this story !!]
(afaguslae look out ! wide load...., Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:11, Reply)

why...
..does it happen? I see it all the time. Some I know, most I dont. Beautiful, intellegent women who go out with ugly wankers who treat um like shit. Odd the lot of um
(phunkomorf, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:11, Reply)

...

People. Please stop saying 'anyhoo'

I hate it.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:06, Reply)

Hmmmm
Rather too much "women are all mental bitches" going on here. If we're all that bad then surely after going out with a couple of "mental bitches" you'd never do it again. Oh and while I'm here, some of you boys can be total freaks of nature (like the guy who took a carving knife to my door cos he loved me so much) so don't go getting too smug.

Will climb down from my soap box now
(angelica666, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 14:03, Reply)

You know what, you're right Frank Spencer...
You really are an old-fashioned Bastard. Getting to know a girl BEFORE you shag her??

get with the program man. Jesus.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:59, Reply)

What am I doing right?
I've never had a bonkers girlfriend, although they've been beautiful and hot in bed. Maybe it's because I talk to them a little and get to know them before I shag 'em. And then treat them with respect after I do.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned
(frankspencer, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Stuck in a rut?
Am i the only one who is reminded by some of these posts of the TVGOHOME Valentines special?

See 1.30 Cunt

www.tvgohome.com/valentine-2002.html
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:49, Reply)

'Kin mentalist
One bird I ended up with at a party only lived next door. She suggested we go round for a bit of action. The pre-coital fumblings were ok, but when it came to the deed, or nearer the end I should say, she says "Strangle me"
"Excuse me what?" I said.
"Like this." She replied, and proceeded to put her hands tightly round my neck and throttle me, I could hardly breathe and swear I was turning blue, she had a demonic look on her face by now, I thought her head was going to do a full 360.
I thought "Feck this, you're gonna get it." So started to do the same, then she said "Hit me." and punched me in the face. I lightly tapped her back, she wanted it harder so I twatted her right in the eye, she was writhing around loving it. I was getting scared, she kept screaming "Hit me, hit me." and was punching me hard, so I did and knocked her out. I checked she was still breathing and got the hell out of there, on the way out did I notice the rather disturbing collection of knives in her kitchen, I'm glad I didn't hang around.
(quedge, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:33, Reply)

Family friend (thankfully no relation)
We have this family friend who's about as quick off the mark as an obese athlete on valium.

Anywho, one time she asked me how my driving lessons were going (have since passed huzzah!). So I had a bit of fun:

"Well, I've been downgraded from 'danger to humanity' to just a 'public nuisance'."

"Wow, they didn't have those labels in my day"
0_o. Scary. I continued;

"Er...yes.... its calculated from how many people you've run over divided by how fast you were going."

"Oh". Awkward silence....I thought I could see her reaching for the phone to call the police, so I reasoned with myself that I should explain:

"...I was joking".

Oh well, I guess in her heyday she must have been good looking. I'd imagine there are many 'Nigerian kings/businessmen' that would love her email address.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:31, Reply)

I just knew…


...they'd be a complete and utter nutter when I noticed the breasts, curvy figure and lack of man parts.

They're all bonkers to a (wo)man.

Not wrong either, still, you grow to get used to it, and they eventually grow to appreciate the fact that you don't (justifiably) kill them at least once every single month, though it may take a decade or so for them to acknowledge this.

Women, can't live with them, can't have sex for free with a woman on a regular basis without them. What are you gonna do?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:28, Reply)

@Strangelady
Alas I wish it was as simple as having a preference for dull squeaky voiced nail technicians called Vicky, but frankly I can't think of anything more tedious. I'd be bored to the point of rigor mortis in no time...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:15, Reply)

Women
Over the last 7 years I have been mentally and (occassionally) physically abused by each one of my girlfriends in turn. On 6 separate occassions I have been placed onto courses of sedatives, tranquilizers and antidepressants in order to attempt to curb my wanton self-destruction.

My conclusion, women are evil.

Apologies for lack of humour.
(small-non-bearded-gentleman-of-indistinguishable-origin, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 13:12, Reply)

Fishcharge
RETREAT!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!! ABANDON SHIP!!! PEG IT!!!!
(luckymcdanger, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 12:38, Reply)

It's not just me is it?
Did I just read some comment about the reason women are nutters is because of some former abuse?

Figure this one out for me then. Abuser (walks out leaving her the kids and the bills) still very much in touch and seldom bollocked yet I (walks in to look after her, kids & bills) is constantly on the end of a round of f*cks for a variety of random acts...

Examples:

I 'deliberately' remove the greaseproof off the margarine 'to wind her up'

See above regarding bog seat being left up (with the two boys there is a 3-1 majority and this is a democracy right?)

Not folding back the bedsheets when I get my backside out of bed to go to work. Never mind that she is awoken with a cup of tea every morning.

Asking for sex. Asking!! ASKING God-dammit

Refusing to eat 'processed shit'. Hands up if you wouldn't feed your neighbours dog 'wafer thin turkey ham'. Thought so.

Why then is the abuse not returned to the abuser? The kids do something wrong, they get a rollocking, I don't shout at her for having them. Fruitloops the lot of 'em
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 11:49, Reply)

Kersal Missive
So have I. .luckily none of my ex's can read so its unlikley.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 11:33, Reply)

A Beautiful lack of intelligence
I was talking to this lass (of a fit nature) from school over the medium of msn about what each of us were going to get up to that day, and as the Manchester premiership derby was being shown on tv I decided to stay in that afternoon and watch it.

Upon her asking me what I was going to do for the afternoon I replied "I think I'm going to stay in and watch Man United v Man City"
She was stunned and replied "I don't think I've ever seen or heard of such a movie"

Get the shotgun.
(potters, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 11:10, Reply)

apeloverage
...hear, hear.

Us ladies usually go crazy-loon-bonkers because someone in the past (or the present) has verbally/physically/mentally abused them, cheated on them or lied to them. Or (in my case) all of the above. It's hard not to be suspicious, jealous and generally mad when you're desperate to protect yourself from being hurt again. It takes a lot of hard work to overcome it.

Not saying anyone should sign up to be someone's therapist, just try not to casually add to the sum of their mental scars...

EDIT ...and I hadn't even read Cargo's story before I posted this! Your ex was 'intensely jealous' and you can't understand why, even though you admit you didn't love her, didn't share her plans for the future and cheated on her with your exes (even with two in one day)... but still didn't feel the need to break up with her?

AND YOU WONDER WHY WE ALL GO MAD??????
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 11:08, Reply)

Crazy dangerous boys.
Ok, going back a couple of years I met a lovely (I thought so at first, think Johnny Depp - YUMMY) boy at a friend’s party in north London. The usual party stuff was going on, drinking, dancing, smoking a little pot, you know the kind of thing. Anyhow I cornered him in the kitchen after dancing with him a few times over the last hour or so and went in for a snog. He responded in kind and the sparks flew.
One thing led to another as they invariably do, but sadly, it was a week when the painters were in town, so there was no horizontal tango to be had. Not wishing to loose my chance with the boy, I satisfied him (and very much, me) *ahem* orally, so to speak. (not much actual speaking, of course)
Anyhow, fast-forward to the next day, he has my number and calls. 7 times before 7am, asking to meet up then begging, then demanding to see me. I agreed to a lunch date in a public place with a friend of mine, he agreed, and all seemed to settle down again, nice conversation etc.
Imagine my shock when he turned up at my flat at midnight that night, drunk and shouty, insisting we were meant for each other and demanding to be let in so he could “move in some of his stuff”. After an hour of shouted arguments which involved him punching me in the face twice, breaking a tooth, I managed to get him out of the door and called the police. The cautioned him for breach of the peace.
Over the next 2 weeks he hounded my every move, attempted to rape me twice and slashed the tyres on my car. The police managed to arrest him and hold him in a cell for 24 hours, which gave me enough time to get out of the flat and over to my aunt’s place the other side of London.
I gave up the flat and my (shitty) job in London that week and I’m living with my other uncle in France, running his fish export business. The ex-“boyfriend” is still at large, although he now has a conviction for aggravated assault and a suspended sentence.
I don’t like coming back to London anymore.

Who said it’s us girls that are crazy?

Apologies for the length? Well he should, for the lack of it.
(Sock MONKEY, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Nearly...
When I was a younger lad, I worked with a rather stunning lass called Jo - I can't remember her surname, which was probably just as well.

Anyway - I asked her out one night, and she politely gave me the "I like you but there's someone else" line. Fair enough.

Soon after I left that job and didn't see her for a few months, until she started drinking in my Mum & Dad's pub.

One day, my Mum said to me "You know Jo, don't you?" I agreed that yes, I did indeed know her and had in fact asked her out once, to be told "Good job she said no - she stabbed her boyfriend last night!".

When I expressed surprise that she'd do such a thing, I was told "Oh yeah - she's a complete nutcase, didn't you know?"

So I didn't actually put up with any madness, but if she'd said yes I might have not been here to tell you all about this.

Don't click - it's a shit story and you know it.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:33, Reply)

Channel Islands
A long time a go I was on a business jolly Jersey - you know the sort of thing, any excuse for a serious piss up disguised as a national sales conference. After a dull day of presentations, the time came to find out what St Helier offered for night life.

We ended up in the town's only nightclub (the name of which excapes me) and some serious standing around looking at the dancefloor ensued. I then spotted the girl of my dreams. She was a touch older than me (she was late 30s, I was late 20s) and we started to chat. It was mid summer and she was wearing a very small summer dress and it soon became obvious that she had forgotted to put her undercrackers on. I took this and the fact that she kept rubbing my crotch as a bit of an invitation.

I should have seen the signs though when one of her friends introduced herself as the beautiful one's care worker and that I should watch myself. Obviously in my addled and sex starved state I chose to ignore this advice and we jumped into a taxi to her gaff for some adult fun.

All went well - she showed me her goods and we had the most amazing sex I have ever encountered (either before or since). Time flew and I realised it was time to make a move back to my hotel. It was 4am and I had a flight to catch at 9 the next morning.

I eventually shook her off - physically and made my excuses. We swapped numbers and I went to the door. It was locked. I asked her to unlock it and she advised me that she had lost her keys....how the hell we got into the flat when we arrived using a key did not seem to figure in her scheme. She begged me to stay by once again removing her clothes and trying to shag me at the front door.

I began to feel uncomfortable at this point especially when she started to tell me that the last time someone left her she started to cut herself and did I really want that on my concience?

Eventually I managed to placate her and climbed out of the window and made my escape only for her to appear in her freshly unlocked door to tell me to phone her when I got back to the UK with a huge smile on her face!

I got back to the hotel at 5am and reflected on the things I had gained from this experience:

1 Never shag a care in the community case
2 Never drink so much that you don't notice that the flat you are in could probably feature on How Clean is Your House
3 Everyone on the Channel Islands is inbred and insane......
(penrose your dog's got tits, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:28, Reply)

Gospel Truth
I'm relieved (and saddened) to discover that I'm not the only weapons-grade nutter magnet on the planet.

The most outstanding example being "L". Apologies for the lack of humour, maybe the jaw-dropping horror will make up for it:-

1) She stabbed me with a penknife, stubbed a fag out on my arm, and eventually tried to bite my nose off. I still have the scars.

2) The nose-biting incident resulted in her getting my blood in and all round her mouth. She immediately went round to my house and told my housemates that I'd punched her in the mouth, which they believed until they started to help clean her up. The truth became evident when I got back a few minutes later.

3) She told everybody that I was beating her up regularly. See No. 1) - the truth was exactly the opposite, but who do most blokes believe - the 6' rocker or the gorgeous tiny goth girl? I came about this close to getting a kicking from an ad-hoc posse of wannabe vigilantes.

4) She came off the pill without telling me, and got pregnant.

5) She punched herself repeatedly in the stomach in an attempt to kill the baby, but of course told the police that attended with the ambulance she called that I'd done it.

6) She threw a tin of baked beans at my subsequent girlfriend in the supermarket, and then launched herself at her. Security had to drag her out, hissing and spitting.

7) Finally she decided to get an abortion (after flipping between "I'll be a good mother" and "I'm going to dump it on your doorstep" for a couple of weeks), but decided to get a friend of hers to inject her with smack the night before. She was quite crestfallen when she discovered this doesn't stop the doctors going ahead with the procedure. I was amazed.

8) About this time I discovered she'd slept with two other blokes, also telling them that she was on the pill, so the baby might not even have been mine. Ho-hum, off for an HIV test then (negtive, luckily - especially considering the smack thing).

9) Told the hospital she was 15 (she was 18), so they sent her down to Paediatrics for her preganacy checkup - which of course gave her the opportunity to then accuse me of being a kiddie-fiddler. That only all got cleared up when the police asked her to supply her birth certificate - which she altered in biro. She only got a caution for trying to torpedo my life.

10) Oh yeah - cue another ad-hoc vigilante posse for the kiddie-fiddler accusation.

11) Finally she moved away and - get this - did almost exactly the same thing to the next bloke she met - she had the child eventually, but only after he had taken out an injunction against her to prevent her coming near his home.

It still makes me shiver now.
(Undecided MORE POWER to the Interrossiter, Bosun., Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:28, Reply)