Remember ladies, pics or it didn't happen..

( cupboardy, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:56, Reply)

What more needs to be said?

( Wanderer, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:50, 3 replies)

GREGORY!!!
That's what me and my friends shout when we see a nice pair. The girl will always turn and look at you weirdly, while you look at the goods.
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:28, Reply)

I've been reading the entries so far
And in the comments section for each one all I want to do is write "I like tits", what is it about these beautiful things that makes me go all incoherent and stupid??
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:23, 1 reply)

Who else is finding themselves clicking the "Breasts" link rather than the QOTW one?
BECAUSE WE CAN.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:19, Reply)

At work
When a nice pair of jubblies with legs walks up to the bar there are often exclaims from the mild mannerd bar staff which include such classics as

"T.T.O.T" (The Tit On That)
"at least we know what happened to right said fred"
"i didn't know the hindenburg had a twin"
"Shes got a lovley pair of .... boobs" (i often correct them but get wierd looks )
"HELLO Hello hello*insert echoey effect here* ..."


We're a cultured lot us bar men.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:16, 1 reply)

Christina Hendricks
The thinking man's set of big tits. Truly fantastic.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:16, 3 replies)

I don't have any hilarious breast related anecdotes,
however I am aware of the acute embarrassment that can be caused when making smalltalk in polite company, you suddenly find yourself short of a comic term for German breasts. Therefore I propose a handy cut out and keep list. You can never have too many so please add your own.

Teutonic titties
Fraulein's funlumps
Baden-Baden bazookas
Munchengladbaps
( Cave Duck, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:10, 9 replies)

First things 1st...
I think they're brilliant! Secondly, don't you love it when you see some boobies on a fully clothed girl, & you think, "WOW", and then the more you see them, the more you want to see them uncovered, and then one day, after like a year, you do, & they're as awesome as you imagined!?! This happened to me twice! One pair were 38GG, the others were 36E. I suppose there's a chance of this back-firing and upon seeing them, you're left dissappointed, but thus far, I havn't seen a bad pair, even the little ones... Maybe it's the nipples ?
If this comes across as slightly incoherant then I apologise, but whenever I think about them, I tend not to function properly.
Actually, I've just remembered, I did see a bad pair once, they were on a girl from Manchester I met online, they were a 40JJ & they were waist length.
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:07, 2 replies)

I directed an Am Dram group's production of Blackadder 2
We did the episode "Beer", where Blackadder's drinking chums all turn up wearing comedy breasts, including Melchett's gold-painted ones.

The show went very well, thanks for asking, but I've now got five sets of comedy breasts made of thin foam lying around my house and I don't know what to do with them. I suppose they might come in handy for a stag night, but apart from that I don't know what to do with them. Just chucking them out seems a waste, and I'm not sure charity shops would want them. Or, more honestly, that I'd want to be seen handing them in.

Any suggestions?

*and no, they don't work as earmuffs unless you have a vanishingly small head.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 6 May 2010, 17:00, 6 replies)

I dated a girl with eczema...
Nice breasts, cracking nipples.
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:56, Reply)

I have breasts
I like them
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:50, 7 replies)

....
Blood can come out of the duct if you squeeze 'em enough .
(Tangerine_Avenger, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:48, 3 replies)

Unexpected pillows
I was about 15/16, and a friend was flat-sitting for his older sister just down the road from me. So I was there hanging out on the last day of the flat-sit, when friend's mother turns up to do some cleaning.

She was very mumsy, very plain, and you wouldn't look twice at her. And, indeed, nor would I have before that day. You see, as she was cleaning the hoover broke, and she leant down to fix it right in front of me. As it transpired, she was wearing a very loose, open top, and she was not wearing a bra. It also transpired that this plain, mumsy woman had one of the most magnificent pair of ladylumps I have ever seen in the flesh.

This caused a slight problem for me. I must have seemed very lazy, unwilling to help out and unwilling to even stand up from the chair, while she was cleaning around me.

I spent many months after that making excuses to visit friend's house, as I came to learn she almost never wore a bra, and in the summer, her clothes were looser than Jordan's fanny. Ah, adolescent memories...
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:27, 2 replies)

I have a serious problem with Breasticles
Pretty much every item of clothing Mrs Otter owns has bobbles in the breasticle area from where i keep grabbing them. Its been nine years and i still cant stop .... I actually think its getting worse , a couple of weeks ago on our flight back from Vegas i ruined her brand new t-shirt as i kept grabbing her puppies while she was trying to sleep, thats 10 hours sat next to me and an item of clothing ruined and an entire plane pissed off with me as i honk every time i squeeze a puppy.

and a mighty fine pair they are too :-)
(dirtyotter Touch Me I’m Sick, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:25, 5 replies)

It's only in recent months that I have discovered the full joy of breasts
Before having a baby, they were just big lumps of flesh on my chest, of no use to anyone (although mr vitamin c was rather fond of them). Since baby was born, they make milk. And if I aim right, I can spray it across the room, hitting mr vitamin c when he's rude about (for example) my cooking abilities. Which is far more socially acceptable than his attempts to spray me in the face with his milky fluids.
( ascorbate, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:22, 6 replies)

A bit tangential but...
When I was young and foolish and drunk, I snicked off the ends of my nipples with a brace of cigar cutters. To be fair, I only got half way through one because I was in such agony from the other, which had fallen neatly onto the coffee table. I have NEVER felt pain like it. Surprising amount of blood too, given that blokes' nipples are just sort of dead-ends.

When women talk about childbirth and us men having no notion of the suffering they endure, I always allow myself a wry inner chuckle.

17 years later and the partially cut one doesn't even have a scar, whilst the other is obviously truncated.

Just sharing...
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:21, 8 replies)

Pearoast ahoy!
Many years ago...
...and a young MattInAHat had embarked on the great adventure of living in sin with the artist formerly known as Mrs Hat. Unfortunately living with She of the Spectacular Norkage was not the filthy, sordid fuck fest that I had previously envisaged and pretty soon we had gone from liberally exchanging bodily fluids at every given opportunity to the kind of sexless existence usually found on the problem page of the Mail on Sunday.

As another evening was being endured watching shite on a fuzzy portable television, my beloved's sweet voice drifted through the icy atmosphere.

"I'm out of fags. Nip round the shop and get me some"

"Of course my sweet" I replied.
"nothing would give me greater pleasure than to hasten to tobacconist in the pissing down rain and get you 10 Lambert and fucking Butler" I didn't add

So collar turned up and head down against the rain I made my way to the shop and duly purchased the requested tobacco product, all the time hoping that this selfless act would result in my getting a shag. Or a quick hand shandy. Even a quick grope wouldn't have gone amiss.

As I stepped out of the shop I looked up to watch the rain coming down, and as I did so, my vision was drawn to a window. A window with the curtains open. A window with the curtains open and the light on. And the resident of the room, (The young, blonde resident of the room) lit up like a Las Vegas magic show was seemingly getting ready to go out.

I started walking so as not to be too obvious a pervert, gaze locked on the young lady slipping out of her blouse.

"Go on!" my sex starved brain screamed at her.
"Show me your tits!"

And she somehow heard.

Her hands reached round to her back and fumbled with the clasp of her bra, TheMattInThePants suddenly waking up and remembering what he's been missing.

The bra went slack as the object of my ogleing succeeded in freeing herself from her clothing....


At the exact same moment the the side of my face came into rather abrupt halt against the previously unnoticed lamp post thoughtfully left in my path and leaving me with a rather fetching bruise.


"What the fuck happened to you?" asked my beloved upon my return.

"I was watching some bird getting changed and I walked into a lamppost"

"Well you deserve it you fucking twat"


I didn't have sex that night
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 6 May 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Accidental boobage
I saw some bosoms once. Pink, they were

I was sixteen years old and in the Air Cadets. Each and every parade night ended with a flag-lowering ceremony, and on summer evenings this was held in the car park at the front of the drill hall.

So, we all stood there, and the CO brought us all to attention, turned and saluted the flag as it was brought down the flagpole.

Now, imagine my point of view, in the back row of the parade. My line of sight was this: Commanding Officer – Flag – Naked Woman Standing In the Window Opposite, Absent-Mindedly Towelling Herself Down After A Bath.

This was – sadly – the same point of view shared by my contemporaries, all youths between the ages of 14-19, very few of whom had actually seen a real, live lady in the nip. And – saints preserve us – the way she was rubbing herself with the towel, they were like the Mitchell brothers pogo-ing to the Sex Pistols.

All discipline gone, we shouted, cheered and applauded, and 0.000002 seconds later, she screamed and whipped the curtains shut.

"You lot!" screamed the CO, "You're all on an f-ing charge!"

It was that point I realised my life is a sitcom. A sitcom with big lady's bosoms.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:11, 2 replies)

Is it true?
I heard that women always have one breast bigger than the other, or is that just bollocks?
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:10, 7 replies)

Put a lump of flesh on a wall and everyone says it's disgusting
Put a nipple on it and everyone wants to touch it.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 6 May 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Prepare yourselves
A few years back, I used to have two friends, Bryn Robbs and Sam Eastwick. I think they had nicknames, but I can't remember them at the moment so I'm using their names. We used to hang out loads, playing out in the woods, making dens and such shit as kids are wont to do. However, there was one part of the woods we never used to go in. We nicknamed it the Lost Valley, because it felt like something that was lost, and somewhere you could get lost in easily. There was an air of menace about the area, quiet menace and desperation. There had always been rumours about the Lost Valley, of bad stuff that happened there, of smugglers and killers hiding out there.

It was in short, not a nice place for us kids and so we stayed in the woods that were nice and sunlit and happy and full of life, climbing trees and pretending to be spies on a secret mission and hide and seek and all the stuff that kids play outside in the woods. Until one day, when we were playing hide and seek, Bryn and Sam disappeared completely. We had been playing it with a few other friends from school, and so, we didn’t really notice until everyone else bar Bryn and Sam had been found.

An hour or so passed, and it was late afternoon, just before evening. We started to worry as it was getting on for 6 pm and therefore, teatime. So we started to call for Bryn and Sam, and after that failed, we decided, in true Scooby Doo fashion, to split up and search for clues. As we’d been playing out here long enough over the years, we knew where the trails were and could read tracks across the ground, and it wasn’t long until I found their tracks leading towards the Lost Valley.

So I shouted for my mates, the ones who were around, that I’d found signs of them, and that we were all going to search the Lost Valley. And search it we did, but very reluctantly. The woods, which had once been filled with shrieks of laughter and joy and animal noises, were now deathly silent. We were all afraid, but we had to find our friends.

I found them eventually. And something else with them. They had been knocked out when they slipped down a slope and fallen into a pit in the Lost Valley, which was why they hadn’t responded to our calls. They had seemingly found a chest which had shiny stuff glinting in the dying light in it, and I shouted for my mates to come and see what Bryn and Sam had found, using their nicknames (which I've now just remembered).

“I found treasure! And B.R, Easts are good!”

*Awaits spanging*

Well, what else do you want to hear this week? How I like breasts?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:51, 4 replies)

'A woman's breasts grow when men feel them. The more different men feel them,
the bigger they get. So you can tell which women have had lots of men feeling their breasts.

Everybody knows that, dur!'

So spake the former Mr Quar, at that time a married father of two and a science teacher.

He really did believe it and was most offended when I laughed.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:42, 6 replies)

Google 'Karube Shrine'
Just thought I'd bring a bit of culture to the board.
(Second sign of madness, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:41, 1 reply)

Truefact
My boobs aren't small but they would be pointless without nipples.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:28, 1 reply)

Mammaries
all alone in the moonlight...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:21, 1 reply)

Pornstars with bikini top tan lines.
If they don't mind showing their clunge or being filmed getting one up the Gary, why would they be shy about getting their waps out on a beach?
Women. *rolls eyes*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:18, 6 replies)

The time I went to France
Brittany to be precise. I did a sort of whistle-stop tour of the different towns, taking in the culture. I came to the conclusion that although the culture in Nantes and Rennes was excellent, I must admit that I prefer Brest's.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:14, Reply)

I like forrin breasts.
My ex-wife is Meditteranean, and I'm also partial to a bit of ethnic.

Not pasty-white girls. Urgh.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 6 May 2010, 15:13, 3 replies)

When Mrs SLVA wears a certain low-cut top
I find excuses to go out in the car with her. I then aim at all the pot holes and raised drain covers I can to see those puppies jiggle.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 May 2010, 15:08, 6 replies)