Well, on behalf of all the red blooded chaps here,
I think a thank you is in order, firstly to you ladies who aren't repulsed by our testosterone fuelled posts. Thanks for letting us e-leer at you.
To those who egg us on- thank you even more!
To whatever maker had a part in their creation, (or Darwin) You couldn't have done a better job!

And finally, to my wife, go on, just a quick look?
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 7 May 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Straps are my friend
Aged about 12 I decided it would be a good idea to go to a party in a borrowed boob tube.

The party was for students who were on the councils of local schools so was fairly packed out and held in a hall rather than being a house party.

At some point during the night my boob tube lending companion had talked me into accompanying her in doing a karaoke rendition of something long forgotten.

After singing ended we ended up outside the main room standing on some kind of mirror-walled staircase.

At this point I see self in mirror and realise that my top has rolled down and I'm more boob than tube... my 12 year old excuses for tits have been on display for God knows how long.

Have never worn a boob tube since.
(babyaeroplanes, Fri 7 May 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Tits in HD.
Lucy Verasamy off Sky has great tits.*

Even better in HD. Id like to kiss them.

*Nothing compared to my wifes tits if you are reading my love ;)
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 7 May 2010, 11:16, 1 reply)

So breasts then?
Baps, Norks, Charlies, Buffers, Hooters, Funbags, fumphs, Dirty Pillows, Bazonkas, Wabs, Chesticles, Mamms, Jellyjugs, Whoop Whoops, Slapbags, Pork Floats, Bumpers. Whatever you call them, I'll vote for them.

_{Some quality QOTW posting right there.}
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 7 May 2010, 11:15, Reply)

Was God taking the piss when he invented the "let down reflex"?
When my eldest kid was 4 months old I discovered the greatest of God's practical jokes on women. Sitting in a cafe, baby cries, missus' blouse instantly covered in warm milk. Also works when you can mimic a baby's cry, best done in crowded situations, during sex or at work.
At this point I discovered that a woman's sense of humour is quite different to a man's.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:54, 4 replies)

I'm sure I won't be the only one.
I used to be a sports masseur. In the course of my job I got to see some "outre" bodies as I'm sure your imagination will run with...
One time I had an older lady in for a massage. She stripped down with just a towel round her waist. Lo, before me were the most wrinkly ballons I'd had the misfortune to see since I went on holiday with my nan. (No amount of councelling will help me on that one.)
Now, I've seen lots of bodies, worked for years with them, so I wasn't taken aback.
Right, get the initial exam over, from behind of course, get her on the couch. I'm adept at keeping a towel placed for modesty reasons, so why did she insist on pulling the towel back down under her gourds. I'd pull the towel back up, she'd pull it down. All the time giving me a glare like I was expected to be doing the whole "Grand Finale" thing!
I left it where she put it eventually, but maintained eye contact all the way.

Funnily enough my wife tells me I give a fantastic breast massage. (Not often enough though) But no way man! This old bird was ready to wrap them round my head. Eeurgh.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Nice Bun
I have an ample bosom (I love that word it makes me think I am a milkmaid!). 34DD and still pretty perky considering having had them for 20 + years.
About a year ago I was at a Gala dinner (get me!) with our CEO and a number of male colleagues. Being the girl I was in charge of the tombola tickets and so just before dinner went round to give everyone one (oooo innuendo!) Leaning over my CEO I bent forward to put his tombola ticket down and my right boobie popped out my dress and ended up on his side plate. His response – oh what a lovely bread bun!

It’s all so Carry On … LOVE IT!
(JellyBelly JellyBelly, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:45, 5 replies)

Accidental Breastfeeding
My son, when he was only weeks old latched onto my moob when I picked him up for a night-time feed. He got a bottle quicker and I started wearing t-shirts to bed.
( Weejock, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:45, 1 reply)

When visiting the supermarket
If you are an admirer of the bosoms, miss an aisle and walk against the flow admiring as you go.

If bottoms are your thing just follow the crowd
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:44, 1 reply)

Apparently the Tories
have held Bristols.

[/montypython]
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:36, 3 replies)

A paddock full of cows
When I was youngish, say 8 or 9 my Dad used to take me and some of my friends to Gaire Beach, South of Sydney most weekends in summer. Gaire was a great beach, clean and long, golden sands, bugger all rubbish left lying around, clean surf and not crowded.

After the standard swim and a bit of a body surf my mates and I would go for a walk along the beach while the old man waited with towels and beach gear and watched the ocean.

We thought he thought we where just exuberant youthful young fella's who needed to burn off energy but, there was another thing about Gaire that turned it from being a good beach into a fucking stupendous beach. It was a topless beach.

As a group we would wander the mile of so beach in and out of the sun bakers, looking for norkage. And upon reaching the rock pools at the other end, would discus the views we had seen and walk back on a track past the best 20 or so sets on offer.

One weekend, as we took the post swim trot, we came across (we where less than 9 so not that "came" across) a real hot body, asleep in the sun, totally NUDE! Oh how pleased we where and after rather frantic discussion at the rock pools about this we in single file walked back and forward past the fully displayed poonage and got our 9 year old fill.

After that the tata viewing changed into find the naked chick searching, and unfortunately we never stumbled across another unwrapped fur burger again. But, the excitement we used get at finding the white pointers never returned. The muff stuff ruined it for us.

On a side note, one time, for reasons I don't remember, I didn't go for the obligatory walk but, waited with my old man and watched the ocean. I then found out, that the sun baking bresticles also went for swims and the site of fully developed unbound girlies emerging from the water and then jogging up the beach back to their chosen sun baking location was much better than those laid out immobile on the sand.

I then also realized my old man knew exactly what we where up to but, with the wisdom of ages was doing the same thing with less energy and better outcome.

It was like the old bull and the young bull standing on top of the hill looking at a paddock full of cows.

"Fwoah" says the young bull "lets run down the hill and fuck one of those cows"

"How about we walk down this hill and fuck ALL of those cows" replied the old bull.

Length, 1.6 kilometers or just under a mile of beach.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:15, 4 replies)

Is this some sort of excuse for the more chauvinistic amongst us to boast about the Breasts they've 'had'?
okey dokey then...

my current 'bird': lovely great big 34EEss-
creamy white with light brown nips

my ex wife: olive tanned 34Fs with choc chip like nips-looked great in a white bikini

my 'bird' 1999-2001: huge great 36FF udders- soft as bean bags filled with goose down

my 'bird' 1996-1998: great big chocolate coloured 36DD luvvlies with a lovely shine and nips like hub caps

my 'bird' 1995-1996: lovely apple like 34C dugs with one nip tastefully pierced

*sits back with a satiated look on his horrible sexist face *
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 7 May 2010, 10:03, 5 replies)

My fiance is a 36E
and I haven't seen her since February 17th.

She arrives in the UK at 7:10am on Wednesday.

Seeing as my old fella currently looks like a one handled space hopper I guarantee those puppies will resemble iced belgian buns by about 9:30
(penrose your dog's got tits, Fri 7 May 2010, 9:26, 3 replies)

Cannes Film Festival
I went to the Cannes film festival the other year.

What a disappointment that was.
( Dervel OTBC, Fri 7 May 2010, 9:18, 3 replies)

squirty bus fun
on a long coach trip qith my wife and our 2 year old and baby many, many moons hence. Baby cries loudly, my wife gets out her tit to feed her, and it squirts a jet of warm milk halfway down the bus and it lands on a bald blokes head. He looks round in puzzlement, wandering what had just hit him and we both sit there quivering like jelly trying not to BWAHAHAHA.


Length? must have been about 15 feet
(teasus likes tea, Fri 7 May 2010, 8:48, 1 reply)

Been up most the night watching election results.
Tits galore.

(edit) I may be a tit too.
( DeadEyeDick, Fri 7 May 2010, 8:11, 5 replies)

The full story of the abcess.
I've alluded to it before, but I'm not sure I've ever told the whole story.

Back in 1998, I found a lump in my right tit while taking a bath one night. It was fucking huge. Called husbandatthetime into the bathroom, and he agreed it was indeed a huge lump.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I was 23. Fuck. No, there's no way in hell this can be happening to me. Call the doctor. Doc says come in in 3 days and we'll take a look.
3 nerve wracking days, and a couple of library books later, I go in to the doc safe in the knowledge that I actually have an abcess right next to my nipple. (Blood lines running through my tit, the fact it's rapidly gotten bigger and it hurts so much I can't even wear a bra).

Doc agrees. Puts me on antibiotics. 3 days later, it's definitely getting worse, I can barely wear a t-shirt, let alone move my right arm. Abcess is coming to a "head" and yet I can't touch it to try and squeeze it out. Call doc in tears at 5pm, trying to get an appointment. Doc sends me to casualty.
The A&E surgeon takes one look at my tit (thank god she was female - not that it actually mattered at that point, but I hadn't shaved my armpits as I couldn't, and she understood) and asks where the husband is. She drags him in from the waiting room.
"Sir, your wife has to have surgery in the morning to remove the abcess so she doesn't get further infected". Me: "whimper" Him: "whimper"
So I send him off home to get me pj's and books and under strict instruction he is not to call mum until I'm out of surgery and ok. So, the next morning, I'm sneaking out for a cigarette and the nurse literally collars me halfway downstairs and yanks be back. "Sorry luv, you're going into surgery in 20 minutes. I resign myself to them taking off my jewelry, removing my nail polish (remember, it was emergency surgery so I didn't have time to do it before they admitted me).

2 hours later, I wake up and hubby is there by the side of the bed. "How you feeling love?" "Get me a doctor NOW to give me an anti-emetic" was how I was feeling.
He did. "Oh, and I called your mum at school, but couldn't get through, so I called your gran". He'd only gone and told them that I was in the hospital having emergency surgery on my tit, he was supposed to tell them I was in hospital for a light procedure but I'd be ok.
Once we got everyone calmed down (and I got my anti-emetic), I was told I had the choice. Be discharged the next day with a daily nurse, or stay in hospital for a week.
I opted for the daily nurse.

Poor fucking guy, and I feel bad for the this. When the nurse took the first dressings out after surgery, it hurt so much I almost punched her. So the next day when the district nurse came round, he gets a metal pole out of his bag and explains that he has to see how deep the wound is (they left it open but with packing so it wouldn't re-infect). I put my hand under his nuts (without touching him) and said "you hurt me, I hurt you". Meanwhile, husband is in the toilet trying valiantly not to be sick while yelling "bleurgh gag urgh, you ok? 'splash splatter bleurgh".
The nurse actually took it in good humour, but he sent a woman round the next day. I guess I did actually scare him (which is why I feel bad).
As the female nurse put it "Your nerves in that nipple are no longer. Sorry".

How wrong she was. The nerves in that nipple knitted back together, and it's now a direct connection between tits and clit. Oh yeah! (and the scar is awesome)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 7 May 2010, 6:14, 3 replies)

I've been sitting on this one for 6 years
Shortly after shitting for the first time in 2 weeks (Wrote a QOTW answer about that too) I was off on my 3 day booze cruise on Carnival's Ecstasy.

Our first and only point of call was Encanita. My friends and I disembarked and proceeded to Senior Frogs and got shitty. We left the girls to do their shopping and we found la pharmicia. I loaded up on Tramadol and Flexeril. The kid behind the counter sensing I was hip asked if I was interested in some Valium.

Does shit smell bad?

I popped one of each pill and we were on our way. I inquired what Koi and Macguyver bought (names changed to protect the guilty from the wrath of their now wives) They had each bought a pill of Viagra and were itching to try it out. They started walking into a strip cub and I said, "No no, that's not how you do it." They inquired how you did do it. I walked up to a taxi driver and asked.

"Um, Que hora es... um... Donde esta la penocia at?"

He says, "Jew wanna get some poosie?"

I say, "Yeah yeah!" and we were off.

We left the tourist district and were going through some local neighborhoods. We giggled like children after 4 cups of Sunny D knowing that this was really going to happen. I thought of all the downers I had swallowed and realized that there was no way in hell my dick had any chance of obtaining an 80 degree angle. Koi asks the cab driver, "are any of them dressed like school girls?"

The driver just chuckled as we stopped in front of a townhouse. It was an upper class neighborhood, I think. From the outside it looked like a nice place. Close to the beach, the kind I would like to own someday. The taxi driver lead us inside and assured us that he would be waiting outside.

When we walked inside It looked like a beauty salon on the first floor. There were about eight young girls dressed like Salor Moon (Koi was in heaven) milling about watching TV, doing each others hair, or working on homework. The madam (I'm guessing) clapped her hands twice and the girls lined up. She explained to us that there was a 30 dollar fee for the "massage" room. Koi chose first, he chose the cutest girl shorter than him (which is narrowed it down because he stands about 5'4".) Maguiver chose a butther face, but the body was worth it.

I had no intention of getting a girl, but what the fuck. If I was getting a massage I wanted a good one. I made my choice and the other girls and even my friends gasped.

I chose mamasita. She was 6'2" and built like a soccer player. Later my friends asked about my reasoning in this decision. I said, "Hey, I get plenty of little hot chicks, but when will my next chance be to get to bang a 6 foot light heavyweight?" And I figured it would be cheaper.

We went upstairs to the massage rooms. She instructed me to undress. I'm down to my chones and there's a knock at my door. Maguyver needed another 40 bucks for a "happy ending." Maguyver is a brother and glancing down I could understand why he was charged triple what Koi and I were charged. (He still hasn't payed me back.) I threw him the money and removed my Greatfull Dead boxers. She lathered me up in baby oil (eew) and massaged me for about a minute before asking.

"Jew only want massage?"

I inquired how much for more.

She glanced down at my shrived, Jewish, muscle relaxed member and held 4 fingers up.

I say, "4 pesos?"

She says, "No, 40 dollars."

It sounded like a bargain plus a great life experience. I could then say that I had been with a prostitute and had paid for sex. I managed to get a chubby that allowed me to get the 'Don Juan para poquito pene' condom on. I lasted for about 30 seconds before my manhood died. I shrugged my shoulders and for once had no remorse about not being able to perform. She flipped me over and finished the job.

I go downstairs to wait for my friends to finish up. I'm sitting on the couch watching some cartoon in Spanish trying to stay conscious so one of the whores doesn't steal my wallet. The girl I had just just shtupped sits down next to me. Then this toddler comes running up to her. "Mama! Mama!" She picks the kid up, whips out her tit and starts breast feeding him.

I think, "Damn, it's a good thing I'm so fucked up. Otherwise this could be traumatic."

My friends come down about 10 minutes later and the taxi is still waiting. Then I black out. I come to back on board the ship. I was passed out on a couch in a puddle of drool. In bags next to me lies 5 bottles of booze, 2 cartons of cigarettes and a dozen M-80's. I asked my friends how the hell I got passed customs with all of that shit. They said, "Oh, it was hilarious. Customs was busy with some other guy and you walked right past them. One of them grabbed your arm and you muttered 'Don't fucking touch me, I'll rip your nuts off and feed them to a chupocabra! I'm an Armenian!' and you were so fucked up they just let you on board."
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Fri 7 May 2010, 4:44, 5 replies)

A pair to die for
Many years ago I was on holiday with friends in Newquay, surfing in the day, getting wasted in the evenings and trying to locate a 'lucky lady' to share the evening with.

After a fruitless few days, whilst paddling out on my board groggy from the night before I noticed a bikini clad brunette with an amazing body and the most incredible tits I had ever seen sitting on her board.

Transfixed on her barely restrained beauties, I stopped paddling and hopped off the board a short distance away. Whilst deciding how to strike up a conversation, she cast a concerned look at me a fraction of a second before my board got smashed into my face by a particularly large wave.

The next thing I remember is being on the beach, face covered in blood with a burly lifeguard six inches from my face...
(nuclear_monkey, Fri 7 May 2010, 4:21, 1 reply)

Marginally related
I just looked in on CNN.com before I go to bed and saw the following headline:

Bono gets legal name, gender change

Holy shit! That insufferable cunt is about to get one as well as being one? His shriveled manhood is getting chopped off? He's gonna get tits and everything? COOL!

Then I clicked the link. They're referring to Sonny & Cher's child. The disappointment was crushing.

Fucksocks.
( Wanderer, Fri 7 May 2010, 3:13, 3 replies)

The Boobs-Dick Mutual Fascination Theory
If I'm ever getting out of the shower and the future Mrs. Granto gets an eyefull she will invariably start playing with my balls, usually while yelling "HA! BALLS!". When I asked her the other day why she's so fascinated by something so commonplace to me, she reminded me that I instantly turn into a drooling idiot at the sight of her boobs, to which I said "Fair enough, now since you're down there..."

Is this a common thing? To me it makes perfect sense that people in heterosexual relationships would be hypnotised by any body part their significant other has that isn't to be found in their own anatomy, yet judging by a very common attitude about men's fascination with breasts held among a lot of straight women, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Does anyone else have any enticing examples? Don't worry, it's for science.
(ElGranto, Fri 7 May 2010, 2:49, 3 replies)

Thankfully not me...
But a mate of mine had his parents visiting from interstate a couple of years back and invited everyone over for a BBQ one night to say hi (we've known them for years, they're a fairly hippy old pair, very easy to get along with and always fun) so everyone pops over and gets on the piss.
At about 7.30pm, the aforementioned mate's young son (for we are at that age now where children are part of the equation) has to be taken off for his bath and bed.
So... of he goes with his grandma and we all get back to drinking.
About a half hour later one of the group goes to take a leak and a few minutes later comes back as white as a ghost.
What's up? We ask. Nothing he says. And proceeds to drink about a case of beer.
A few days later he explains.
He's walked to the bathroom, the door is open so he pushes it and steps in... to see grandma sitting naked in the bath with the baby.
"Remember that scene in Something About Mary?" he said. "It's in my brain now and won't go away".
( difficultchild, Fri 7 May 2010, 2:47, Reply)

Hey baby
Ever fuck a mutant?

-bonus points for character / scene-
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 6 May 2010, 23:35, 6 replies)

Being a not-so-secret "fat bloke"...
I have a pair all of my own. Size 'A', or maybe even 'AA', so not massive but definately more than a couple of my lady friends have.
Never spent all day playing with them though. Mrs ForecastMonkey's are far bigger and way more fun.
( ForecastMonkey, Thu 6 May 2010, 23:20, 1 reply)

Tit Surprise
I’ve been a keen photographer for a number of years, and I always carry a camera with me ‘just in case’, though I’ve long since given up any delusions of making money from my hobby.

The closest I ever got was back in the late 80s / early 90s, when I had a job I really enjoyed, working in a small, independent photographic retailer’s. Our (unfortunately few) customers came to us for the knowledge and service they couldn’t get from the chain stores.

One such customer – let’s call her Debbie, for that was her name – was a model. Now don’t get excited, although Debbie was naturally well-blessed in the chestal department, I subsequently discovered that the pinnacle of her career was appearing in a video called “Pigs in Knickers”.

Debbie was setting up her own photographic studio – coincidentally on an industrial estate built on the site of a former dairy – and needed some cheap studio flash heads. We found some within her very limited budget (though she later complained that professional photographers told her they were rubbish) and offered to deliver them with stands to the studio as she didn’t drive.

So, after work one evening, I loaded the gear into my car and toddled off to the studio. As it wasn’t in the most salubrious of areas, I didn’t want to leave my camera in the car, so took it in with me.

It took about 20 minutes to set up the lights and show Debbie how to use them. When I’d finished, I suggested I take a few test portraits and process the film at work the following day to make sure the lights were working properly before she got anyone hiring the studio.

She agreed, so I got my camera and started snapping away. Suddenly, without any warning – WHAM! – the top came off and I found myself staring at only the 3rd set of jubblies, and by far the largest, I’d ever seen in the flesh. The next ten minutes were a blur for me, but fortunately not for the camera.

The pictures proved successfully that the lights worked, but unfortunately Debbie’s business plan didn’t and, a few months later, the studio went tits-up (see what I did there?).

NSFW photographic proof available on request.
(waits)
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 6 May 2010, 23:12, 12 replies)

Probably been said before but.....
I wish this had been the image challenge..
(ghandisandal, Thu 6 May 2010, 22:59, 2 replies)

Being a woman, I have a pair of my own
and have yet to be impressed when men go vacant-minded over them, be they mine or anyone else's. Most of the day they just sort of sit there on the chest, waiting to be clad in cotton or lace or nothing depending on the event and the weather. Now penises -- those are much more interesting. Any body part that can act independently of its owner and also be made to do tricks on cue gets extra points in my book.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 6 May 2010, 22:51, 1 reply)

Titty elbow
Does anyone else play this with their mates in the pub?

Oh.....
(spazmataz mong-a-long-a-ding-dong, Thu 6 May 2010, 22:51, Reply)

The rat?
Given my chosen line of work, folk bring their unwell animals to me and I try my best to fix them, with varying degrees of success. I therefore have stacks of stories and anecdotes as my advancing years leave me with little else from a life of this type of work. Every now and then I'll let one out of the bag and this is just the occasion...

This goes back to the days when I worked in the "evil south", close to the large metropolis known as London. A female client, of early 20s, arrived for a consultation. it was summer and she was wearing a very low cut top. It was warm, so that bloody dates it doesn't it?

I called her (and her pet) into the consulting room. My only concern was that she was not holding any form of carrier. My usual trick is to read the notes and make sure I know what sort of pet I'm expecting before I go and collect them from the waiting area. In this case I was somewhat confounded. As an aside, where I work now, it can be darn hard to pick the Staffie you are looking for from the ranks sat waiting attention (if they aren't eating each other).

Anyhow, in she trotted and she was quite a good looking lass with a very impressive figure (you cant help to notice what is put in front of you. I asked her where the pet was and she then proceeded to stuff her hands up the front of her top and push this rat into the space between the boobs.

This was a somewhat tricky moment. I asked her to put the rat on the consulting room table and she (without a hesitation or any hint of irony), said "Surely you can examine .... right here?"

At this point I felt it was better to seek a bit of help. I called on a nurse and asked her to join me in the consulting room. This is something I have learned to do more, to protect myself from just this type of situation.

As the client was still insistent I examined the rat "in situ", I did so. Thankfully rats are generally very helpful patients and I have a lot of time for this rodent. examining the mass on its belly was fraught with "near miss" encounter with human skin. I won out in the end and even managed a full check for anaesthesia as well.

I must add that this client had other pets and was frequently seen sporting a lollipop which was usually sucked in what could only be described as a "suggestive" manner. I'm not sure that I would have been able to conclude the rat examination if the lollipop had been present as well.

length? well a rats tail is about 15cm (don't pick holes in that it was just an average sort of figure)
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 6 May 2010, 22:31, 3 replies)

Once, I espied a girl with the most cracking bust ever
I was so distracted I stumbled and fell wholesale towards her, my flailing left arm squashing into her boob on the way down.

I felt a right tit.

But seriously folks, I do have a good story about breasts, it's just my esteemed brother sails these waters so he might see it. Should I tell it anyway?
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 6 May 2010, 22:16, 3 replies)