Continuing on the theme of Vagabond's story below
not exactly bullshit, but an excellent lie to tell small annoying children:
I was looking after my odious little fart of a cousin, who persisted in coughing and sneezing and generally being a snot-filled germ factory at an age when he should have known better. He was chucking a tantrum after being told to put down his DS and come to the dinner table, ignoring his pathetic mothers limp estuary exclamations of 'aaaoooowwww beeeeeen, daon't do vat!', so I seized him bodily with the intention of dragging him there (and possibly bashing him 'accidentally' against the door frame...) when he coughed, right in my face. And then sneezed, right in my face. And then laughed.

Wiping mucus from my face and grasping his wretched little arm very tightly, I told him in a low and angry tone that the reason people put their hands over their mouths when they cough or sneeze is to stop the change in pressure from causing their brains to come through their nose.

Apparently this gave him nightmares for several weeks. I'm not allowed to babysit him anymore, thank fuck.
(berk, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:00, 1 reply)

Star Wars bullshitter
I was friends with Nigel at Junior school, who at the tender age of 8, was a personal friend of George Lucas. He told us that he would get Birthday and Christmas cards from Mr Lucas(which he always forgot to bring in) and regular phonecalls updating him with progress reports on what was to become Return of The Jedi (Though he called it another title, which I can't remember) and said that George had invited him to his home to watch Star Wars on his home cinema, but then couldn't go for some reason.
(zipmouth, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:58, 4 replies)

Michael Jackson
used the bathroom once at my house


ok so maybe he didnt come over to my house to use the bathroom. He was about to. But his sister did.
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:42, Reply)

I once received a job application
and the CV said this person had worked for a company which I happened to have been working for at the same time as he claimed to have, which I found a bit suspicious as I didn't remember him.

I therefore called a few old colleagues, and none of them remembered this person either.

Confronted with this on the phone, he initially claimed I must have forgotten him, before exclaiming that - Oh FFS! How could he have been so silly! He'd meant ANOTHER company and must have accidentally typed the wrong name.

I therefore phoned my mate who worked for the other company, who said they'd never heard of them either.

He didn't get the job. The oddest thing about it was that he didn't need anything like the experience he was claiming to have for the job anyway...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:30, 1 reply)

I think one of the darker tales I've been told was reported to me by a girl at university who was babysitting for a bit of extra cash.
She said that the girl she was babysitting was about six years old, and had developed a thing for tearing ladders in her own tights.

So my friend had told her "If you do that then ants will climb up your tights, into your fanny and start eating you from the inside out."

Apparently she did stop tearing her tights, but I can't imagine it's done her any favours now that she'll be in her early 20s.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:20, 1 reply)

I'll start with an easy one
I have so many stories for this, but seeing as I should be revising for my A-Levels I'll start with this one.

Had a friend about a year ago who always bragged about how she was a "natural born singing sensation"* who didn't need any vocal training because the teacher she tried to hire (By HERSELF, without any money from parents etc.) kicked her out because she was "Too good already and close to perfect"*. Then she wanted to join the band that me and a mate drunkenly decided would be awesome to have even though he could barely play bass and I could barely play piano. She sang Evanescence's "My Immortal" and we laughed in her face when she said she sang it that way because "Amy Lee's voice isn't as good as mine so I sang it how it should really be sung"*.

Then there's the whole "I auditioned for X-Factor but they didn't let me on because I was too amazing and they wanted someone who couldn't make it without the show"* malarkey.

Her voice? Imagine Ke$ha without autotune, halfway through that bottle of Jack she's brushing with and simultaneously being strangled. Now think of something worse. There you have it.


*She actually said that. Faith in humanity -1
( Trogdos The Raging Cuntmuffin, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:18, 1 reply)

My sister is two years younger than me
When we were at the point where I could cycle without stabilisers and she couldn't, apparently I told her that "if an aeroplane flies overhead and spots that she is riding a bike with stabilisers, it will flash a red light and she has 10 seconds to get under cover or it will start shooting at her".
Of course, all aeroplanes have a red flashy light on them causing my sister to scream and run for the barns everytime one flew overhead!
She learnt how to ride a bike without stabilisers pretty quickly though :-)
(bryo, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Anything and everything that is produced
in the Daily Express and Daily Star.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:09, 2 replies)

My lecturer at Uni told us that
he is a member of 'Project Lionheart' which is a top secret BBC directive. In the event of a death in the Royal Family, this directive will be enacted by the BBC, who will contact the people on the list and employ their skills in the mass media coverage. These people will have all their current jobs suspended and will be reimbursed for the inconvenience AND will be paid a massive £1000 per day!!!!11!!one!!

When I went to do research at the BBC I asked about this directive and yes indeed there is such a plan for certain massive news events but its not called Lionheart and they don't hire freelancers above their minimum rate. The last time it was put into action was the day of the 7/7 bombings and I know for a fact Mr M was lecturing a class that day.

He also told us that the hardest part about filming the Winter Olympics, for him, was the downhill Skiing. He explained how hard it was to hold the camera, keep focus and keep the Olympian in shot while having to ski backwards down the same slalom........
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:00, 3 replies)

I was using private browsing mode to buy your christmas presents,

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 16:00, 4 replies)

Kid at school
was/still is a ninja. He carried that into high school too. Poor lad came from a twisted family.
(Surfeit, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:59, 1 reply)

I like reading the articles in them.

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:57, 2 replies)

'In-Betweeners' Bullshitter Character : A Further Question In Three Parts
Why was the "My Uncle Was A Hollywood Stuntman" stuff funny in series 1 and 2 and not funny at all in series 3?

Is this an indication that such claims have an extemely finite shelf life, casting fleeting glimpses as they do on the contempt the teller has for the listener with each occurrence, ultimately moving the relationship from passive to impassive by degree?

Or did the writers of the show get a whiff of a feature length special later this year and say 'oh fuck we'd better start rationing this shit as the other three jokes we use over and over again have already stretched fourteen episodes beyond their elastic limit', and held back?

Hmmmm.
(hiplingo hiplingo, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:57, 5 replies)

She's incredibly well-read
And has really interesting opinions.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

So Scaryduck
Are you going to tell us what colour the Boathouse at Hereford is?
:-)
(Biff..., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:36, 8 replies)

After a hard day
gorging on bovine creatures, my loo is filled with the stuff.
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)

Edmund
www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/Craig_Colclough
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:28, 3 replies)

There was a rumour about Polo mints at school.
Apparently, eating too many Polo Mints made you sterile.
Might actually be rue.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:23, 2 replies)

I'm a writer and journalist.
'Nuff said?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:20, 1 reply)

I'm a human being, goddammit!
And I'm not gonna take this any more!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)

FIRST!

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)

A lie relating to facial disfigurement
Uni dayz. Got massively hammered and ended up in hospital after falling over and using my face as a shield. Turned up in Halls the following morning with a swollen forehead and two black-eyes. Falling over when pished wasn't cool enough so I came up with a brilliant lie:

"Someone threw a brick in my face"

Oh yes. That'll do nicely.
(Mean Mad Mutski, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:57, 2 replies)

These are all true. Honest
The first recording of the human voice was of Thomas Edison in 1877. However, contrary to popular belief, the first words ever recorded were not "Mary had a little lamb", they were, in fact "I bet this fucking thing doesn't work"

If you read the small print at the bottom of the "Declaration of Independence" you'll find the statement "Does not apply to Tuesdays, Thursdays and Bank Holidays"

George W. Bush once ordered his bodyguards to shoot him in the head should there be an assassination attempt against him

"Pissing into the mouth of a sleeping tramp” is considered a hangable offence in the Republic of Ireland

At the geographic centre of Asia there is a replica of Stonehenge created entirely from old Ladas

Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards, apart from ostriches if you hit them with a speeding van

London Zoo is home to Felicity, the only captive Gorilla in the world that can play the theme from "Johnny Briggs" on a trombone

Gene Hackman has a bionic forehead.

Until 1968, the frosting on "Kellogg's Frosties" was made from asbestos

One in three Egyptians are called Simon.

The King of Denmark owns the movie rights to the Mr Men books

Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were actually "Oooh, I expected it to be all sticky."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:56, 7 replies)

Really - I'm fine - honestly
There's no need to worry. Really.

I'm fine.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:52, 6 replies)

Radio 5! Prison! Drugs! Gullibility!
A while ago I got a bit merry and posted the following on the BBC Have Your Say section of the website in a discussion about whether tags were suitable for early release prisoners.

I was tagged for a few months in 2002. It's a flawed scheme; as long as I was at home in the evenings I could do whatever I liked in the day (without any chance of being caught breaking my restrictions of going into bars and daytime rave clubs). If anything it made me reoffend very quickly; as I couldn't go out most friends came to my house, it became a social base, and I was eventually arrested after falling into heroin use and dealing. I've just got out again, and served longer after refusing a tag. I won't reoffend this time!

Naturally, this is complete and utter bollocks.

I received this email shortly afterwards:

Hi John

I'm writing to you on the back of a comment you posted on the BBC "Have your Say" website. I don't want to put details in an email to you and wonder if you could ring me on 020 xxxx xxxx or give me a contact number for yourself.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.


I called the number and was asked if I would like to discuss these points live on air the next morning.

So I conned all of Radio 5's researchers and listeners, which is quite a good result for a big pile of bullshit.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I'm going to post something really funny later...
... but right now I'm busy.
(gordonjcp, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Bullshitting the Bullshitters
I was 10, and starved of attention. I had two younger brothers, and the elder of the two just celebrated his 8th birthday. One of his lesser presents? Mateys Bubble Bath. Following an argument about something or nothing, I took his mateys bubble bath & poured it down the public.

2 years later, we had a "Special Homework" Assignment in school. One of the hanger ons at the school wanted us to write a piece on how we have experienced Jealousy. The best ones would get "a once in a lifetime experience"*. I wrote my piece which was based on the paragraph above. I was chosen as one of the best 5 & got the experience.

We found out that the guy was a church minister, and regularly had slots on BBC Radio 4. The programme, which was mid afternoon, was a discussion piece on the seven deadly sins. This week - Jealousy. I was driven in the school minibus to a radio station in Bangor to record this discussion that went out LIVE ON AIR.

I was asked questions on how I dealt with jealousy, why I could be so cruel etc. It was quite intense for a 10 year old. I cracked, and admitted I never felt any remose for my jealousy, as there wasn't any jealousy to begin with.

Yes, the whole story was complete & utter bullshit.

Fooled the church though.

Apologies for spelling & grammar.

* Which also was bullshit, as I've been on the radio twice since then
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:39, 2 replies)

As a young lad
about 13 years old, I managed to convince my classmates I could speak japanese. In the end, people in school would ask me about how to say, well anything really, to wich my response would be "takahari morivasu" or some other jibberish that would sound vaguely japanese.
Why? Don't even know, just enjoyed the attention i guess.
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:39, Reply)

North Korean MySpace
Pretty sure this is a pearoast, but I can't remember for sure.

Basically, the story starts that I made a fake account on MySpace, back when that site was relevant. One of my female Korean friends was being harassed by somebody, so I wanted to troll him back. I invented Kim Hyunhee, a North Korean girl inexplicably allowed on the Internet. I get paid to proofread online posts from South Korean English learners, so it's easy for me to fake. Sample:

About me:
hello i am north korean cute girl^^

my job is government bureau clerk and i'm workaholic ;)

i love my job and country and Our Dear Leader ..~

he is Great Man~

won't you enjoy visit me in Chosun Capital of Pyongyang?

it's so beaufifl~

i am 26 year old!!


Anyway, ha ha. I took care of the guy bothering my friend, then I expanded. I discovered a large number of US soldiers stationed in South Korea don't know which Korea they're in, and put their country as "Democratic People's Republic of Korea." I began messaging them talking about how great the North is. The responses were usually predictable.

I got bored and left it for a while. Several months later I logged in again, only to find a ton of friend requests and unsolicited messages from random horndogs. The best, by far, was Andrew:

"You are a very attractive North Korean women. Are you allowed to be in a relationship on the internet with a man like me from the United States of America. I don't want you to get into any trouble with your supervisors.

I would enjoy receiving notes and messages from an attractive women like you. I think Korean and Japanese women are very attractive."

He obviously knows something about North Korea, and also has a thing for Asians. Yet somehow doesn't know that pairing Koreans and Japanese side by side like that is about the dumbest thing you can say.

He sent one or two more flirtatious messages, and then this came out of nowhere:

"My former co-worker from Sony Electronics Corporation deals in decoders for FCC and military regulated telecommunitcations frequencies.

Would you like to make a buy for satellite decoders of FCC or military frequecy applications??

Please let me know and I can set the price.

Thank You..."

If I'm reading correctly, he's offering to sell me state secrets here. The next one was a little less treasonous sounding:

"I am looking for a few good women. Not the kind that would betray their own country, or manipulate their own ethnic gender and cultural heritage. I am a serious man looking to maintain global political and economical peace. Also bridging cultural and ethnic gaps when necessary for prevention of political distress that could lead to economic instability due to poor foreign policy management with these hidden agendas.

If you are capable of acting as a liason for counter intelligence with North Korea, since you are a cute Korean girl I am willing to work with you directly.

Please contact the following branch of the US Department of Defense to notify them you must have me, and only me to work with as a counter intelligence liason. If not, only God knows who you will get. As you can tell from my photograph I am a handsome American guy."

Aww, what a nice guy. He listed his address as something connected to US Army intelligence which I won't get into, because it seems to really exist. In the same letter, he even made this promise:

"Please send me a copy of this letter, if you want me. Then in an act of good faith I will open a small credit card account with a $5,000 dollar limit in the United States of America by a bank of my choice and add your contact information to the registered account."

So, at this point, I'm thinking this guy is really thinking with his dick, or is totally leading me on as a joke. I told some of my friends in the US military and they took it very seriously, but I managed to keep them from reporting it until I found out the deal.

Then I got this message verifying that he most likely is some kind of crackpot:

"I recently had a legal dispute with local university from Pennsylvania involving Carnegie Mellon University (CMU). They tried to make a criminal charge against me for reporting political flyers on their campus.

Somehow, your name from Myspace.com came into the conversation of legal documents. I can not beleive that they are worse than what the United States of America calls the North Korean government.

I am currently reporting my evidence to the Pennsylvania Office of Attorney General Civil Rights Enforcement 15th Floor, Strawberry Square Harrisburg PA 17120. If you would like to track the evidence you can look it up from www.FedEx.com the number is XXXX XXXX XXXX

I feel like the campus police can do whatever they what with their authority, they are so powerfull. I will keep you informed if they ask more questions about North Korea, or The Peoples Republic of China. I hope you understand that I am defenseless in this situation in defending your photo on Myspace.com from becoming legal evidence. Blame the CMU university police."

Oh yes, campus cops, the scourge of America. I didn't bother with the FedEx thing because he was probably trying to find my IP. But the rest of it, posting flyers, ranting about campus cops, I started to realise I was onto a real lunatic.

I googled his name (which I won't post here because he maintains a vigilant Internet presence), and over the years I've been tracking his activities. He claims to have worked in US military intelligence, but I'm starting to doubt that. He writes e-mails that get CCed to Hillary Clinton and the like. He posts bizarre rants about "psy ops" and has his own IMDB page. People on one particular martial arts combat message board are scared of him because he occasionally reports one of them to the police for no apparent reason. I found his online resume which has him working in military intelligence for years, and then suddenly his next job is a McDonald's.

My conclusion is just he's a total wacko who believes everything he writes, and inserts himself into all these global political things, where he converses with presidents, advises generals, trades state secrets, and sets up spy rings.

Click "I like this" if you want me to message him that I've escaped from North Korea and I'm coming to America to meet him.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:37, 6 replies)

Bullshitting...
...is just one of the many activities for which I hold a world record.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:36, 2 replies)