What?
I used to have a verbally disabled boss who was always coming out with his own made-up ‘management speak’. Some that spring to mind;

“He lies like a hairy egg.”

“That’s the problem with these courses, they teach you stuff you don’t know.”

“He’s digging himself a hole and finding mole hills to add to his other mole hills.”

“I smell a Heron!”

“You’ve got two choices and one of them is to leave, so It’s one choice really (after a short pause he frowns and turns to his assistant) Is one choice a choice?”

He was fat, bald, moustached, sweary, chain smoking, afternoon drunk, idiot. I’d love to work for him again.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 12:28, 9 replies)

English
Merkin IT land which brought us this pervasive offence:

English or English (UK).

When what they mean is:

Merkin or English
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 12:21, 3 replies)

Marketing cock gets owned.
For those that hate meaningless management speak as much as I do.

Stuck in a blood-stoppingly dull strategy meeting a couple of months ago, when the following exchange partially restored my faith in humanity.

The meeting is being chaired by a marketing director who is, for want of a better word, an arse. An overweight, self-regarding, bullying, obnoxious cocksmudge of a man, whose hobbies can be listed as eating, bellowing his every thought through his flapping cakehole for the benefit of all mankind, and belittling people for his own grubby amusement.

We're watching a resource presentation by a young, nervous guy, when it becomes apparent that the figures in one of his slides don't add up. Sniffing an opportunity to stick the boot into a subordinate, Stubcock loudly proclaims "37% plus 41% plus 32% equals 110%. Where the fuck did you go to school?"

Nervous Guy stammers an apology and the meeting continues. Minutes later, we're wrapping up and Jabba rounds on Nervous Guy for one last time. "Please could you share with us how you're planning to message that to the client?"

Without missing a beat, Nervous Guy replies "Message is a noun. Where the fuck did you go to school?"
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 3:24, 3 replies)

Relationship Overlap

A fair while back a shitstorm blew up on QOTW regarding Kiss.Me.Where.I.Poo's revenge on his girlfriend of 8 years who he'd found cheating on him. It involved chilli and a vibrator as I recall.

During the heated debate that followed some dizzy bint referred to the cheating as "relationship overlap" and I blew a minor gasket.

There's no such thing as "relationship overlap". It's cheating, two-timing, infidelity, playing away from home. There's a hundred more phrases to describe one partner playing hide-the-sausage, without the others knowledge, but I will not accept the breath-taking euphemism of "relationship overlap."

Call it like it is and don't try and dress up one of life's ultimate betrayals with some twee phrase that sounds as if it comes from a sociology textbook. It's like Sellafield referring to a radiation leak as "an escape of magic moon-beams".

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:11, 9 replies)

I went on an assertiveness training course...
...a long, long time ago.

A bloke in a beard tried to enthuse us with his little phrases to make us all brave in front of the big, bad customers.

Such as:

* "You can split 'responsible' into 'response' and 'able'" (You can't)

* "If you 'assume', you just make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'"

And, of course:

* "There's no 'I' in 'teamwork'"

... to which a sotto voice from the back replied: "Aye, but's there's a 'u' in 'cunt'."

I learned something that day. Something good.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:36, 10 replies)

Not a phrase or word as such but an annoying noise
When Mrs SLVA detected I was at the point of ejaculation, she would ring a little bell. Now if I ask her for hand/oral relief, after 30 seconds or so she'll ring the bell and that'd be that.

6 months of fucking with my mind with her bizarre Pavlov's Cock experiment just because she's a lazy cunt.

It also means I have to leave the pub early because otherwise I spluff my pants when last orders is called.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:59, 5 replies)

WOULD OF
You fucking retard! It's WOULD HAVE! WOULD HAVE! WOOOOOOOOUUUUUULLLLLDDDDDD HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVEE!!! Understand? You goddamn troglodyte knuckle-scraping mouth-breather!
(McChinaman banned, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 0:43, 3 replies)

Motivation! Motivation! Motivation! Motivation!
During this qotw I would like you all to make yourselves comfortable. Now, the objective of this session is for us to reach some positive conclusions vis a vis phrases that irritate. I would like all of you here to open your minds; this an exceptional opportunity for you to engage in a brainstorming session and push forward some freewheeling, open-ended concepts in a blue-sky environment.

We can really push the envelope on this one; this is a one off opportunity for us to homogenise our cenceptualising and come up with a definitive programme of phrases.

We must give this our full attention and assume nothing - to assume simply makes an ass out of u and me. Focus is crucial, team, so remember - you snooze, you lose.

Now, this is a freewheeling concept, but if we could keep a weather eye on progress, treat things in a holistic and proactive way, before touching base later in the week. I have this in my radar, and am determined to make this a resounding success.

Go get 'em, guys...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:39, 8 replies)

Every kind of undeseriable person being labelled as "cowards"
I am a coward. To me, cowardice is a sensible policy and keeps me from getting into trouble or killed.

If I see some drunk people looking for trouble, I turn around and briskly walk the other way, because I'm scared of them. If I ever felt like getting a gun and robbing a bank, I'd think of the consequences of being shot by armed police and wouldn't bother. If an army recruiter tried to get me to join the army, I'd say no because I'm terrified of being blown up by a roadside bomb.

I don't particularly like being told by politicians that my one of my main philosophies is also the main failing of terrorists, murderers and child abusers. As if taking pilots hostage on a crowded plane with a plastic knife is an act borne of timidity. And surely murdering someone in cold blood requires overcoming a fear of being attacked in self-defence, retribution or just being caught later. There's a word that describes overcoming fear; "courage". The very opposite of cowardice.

Fear, of course, is an essential biological response. It's helped us survive in the past. Let's not turn our backs on it. Frankly, we'd be much better off if more people were cowards.

I'd do something about it, but I don't really want to cause any trouble.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 20:50, 3 replies)

Whom is not simply a posh version of who.
If you could replace the word with he or she, it's who. If you could replace it with him or her, it's whom.
E.g.
'I see my friend, who is a carpenter, every Tuesday'. You'd say 'she is a carpenter', rather than 'her is a carpenter', so you use who.
'My friend, whom I see every Tuesday, is a carpenter'. You'd say 'I see her' rather than 'I see she', so you use whom.
If in doubt, just say who. No-one says 'to whom are you talking?' any more anyway; they say 'who are you talking to?'

Myself and yourself are not posh versions of me and you, using similar logic. I talk to myself, I talk to you. You talk to yourself, you talk to me.

Thine is not a posh version of thy. This one is often used by people (even, unfortunately, published authors) when they want to sound olde worlde. I can't be bothered to go into a proper explanation of early modern English grammar, but in short: thy is your, thine is yours. The sword is thine, but never say 'take thine sword'. That just sounds bell-ended.
An even more egregious one I heard once was thy's (to mean 'your'). Oh dear.

I'm not a paragon of English language. I say 'proper' and 'well' instead of 'very' sometimes, and I don't oppose all changes and deviations from the language. But some are too terrible to be ignored.
Whenever someone says 'I could care less' when they mean 'couldn't care less' I want to stab the fucker. If they thought about what they were saying, for one fucking second, they'd realise they're saying the exact opposite of what they intended. I approve of quite a lot of change in language, but this one is so fucking stupid because it's a failure of logic. Is it really so hard to think what they must be saying?
I used to be annoyed by the misuse of 'decimate' until I realised that we don't really need a word for the destruction of one in tenth. Having a word for totally destroy is much more useful. However, I do still object to the misuse of 'plethora'. It's useful to have a single word for 'an excessive amount', but we already have a lot of words for 'a large amount', so there's no need to re-appropriate it for this.

Calling the letter H 'haitch' rather than 'aitch' = nasty and common.

'Could I get' instead of 'could I have'... is okay, actually! No-one is questioning your permission or capability to 'have' something; of course you're allowed to have/capable of having the thing. Whether you can get, or obtain, the thing is another matter. I find the people complaining about 'could I get' more annoying than those who actually say 'could I get'. I say 'may I get' so I'm probably loathed by both camps.

(sp) and (sp?) You're on the fucking internet! Fucking look up the spelling, or paste it in Word and use the spellcheck. Some browsers even have a spellcheck inbuilt. It's just about acceptable in IM, where speed is of the essence, but on a message board you have all the time in the world. Look up the spelling if you're not sure, you lazy shitcock!

The telly programme in which Johnny Knoxville and chums get up to hilarious japes is called Jackass, not Jackarse. Yes, we do call a bum an arse and not an ass, but a 'jackass' is a male donkey. Therefore it is an ass regardless of your brand of English.

Learn the difference between i.e. and e.g.! Too many people use the former when they mean the latter. I.e.: id est = that is. E.g.: exemplia gratia = for example. Compare:
'I like looking at birds, e.g. ducks, pigeons, and geese.'
'I like looking at birds, i.e. animals from the class Aves, not women.'

Americans mangling Ts and Ds so much when speaking that they don't actually know how to spell words with T and D in them any more. I've seen 'metiocre', 'bitty' (as in 'old biddy'; they weren't talking about the sketch on Little Britain) and 'distain'. I can't think of any examples where the t/d confusion runs the other way but I'm sure I've seen some. (Edit: 'cathardic')

On the subject of Americanisms, not every American word is a bastardisation of our language. A lot of American words are in fact the original British ones, which they've retained and we've changed, often in an attempt to be more European and distance ourselves from the Yanks. We used to write 'color', 'skeptic', and 'fall' for autumn. It's annoying hearing misinformed people going on about how the Americans fucked up 'our' language. We got rid of it; it's not ours any more.

Could/would/should of: It's 'have', you stupid, stupid motherfucking cock monkey! Why is this so hard to get right? How the sugary fuck can 'would of' possibly make sense? What the fuck would that even mean?

Any radio advert for a music compilation that mentions the word 'R&B' really annoys me, because I know I'm about to be subjected to 30 seconds of samples of vapid, insipid chavpop shite that was written by aligning some blocks in a music program and then slapping some Autotuned warbling over the top. What the fuck happened to R&B? It used to be a lovely genre - Chuck Berry, BB King, John Lee Hooker, etc. and now it appears to stand for rap & booty rather than rhythm & blues. Yes, music and musical tastes change. No, I'm not an old fart who doesn't like any music made in the last half-century. But what the fuck is this shit? Drivel for fucktards who think it's sophisticated.

Your sitting room (or living room, if you must) is not a 'lounge'. You haven't got a lounge, you prick, unless your house is a ship or an airport. And your sofa is not a 'settee'. It's a fucking sofa, you cunts. And if you're wiping your face with a 'serviette' you'd better be French.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:37, 7 replies)

Our mission statement...
I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire, right now. We will need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it in order to do a re-gain. We'll be hung out to dry if it becomes a showstopper. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it all gets blown out of the water. however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative, that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my two cents worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don't want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it's like a big game of Space Invaders; the aliens are getting closer and if we don't zap them it'll be game over for the lot of us. There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it's a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it's stand by to repel boarders, I'm afraid. Right! Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I'll be in my office. My door is always open and I'm as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don't let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I'm a lawn-mower.
(yellowperil Is shirking from home, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:32, 6 replies)

All of your phrases and words are annoying
because I read them in my head as a dull monotone whining voice
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:20, 3 replies)

I believe other people have mentioned it
but I'm including a chart!



Disclaimer: chart found on internet many years ago, creator unknown, but it has helped me to win several arguments about the phrase.
(teff, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 16:54, 11 replies)

It's always in the last place you look.
Of course it fucking is, I'm not going to keep looking for it after I've cunting found it, am I?
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:46, Reply)

I really hate the phrase
"No you can't watch the football, dancing on ice is on"
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:18, 1 reply)

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 11:39, 5 replies)

"Quit following me"
"No means no"
"Rape"
"Oh god help me"
"How could you"
"Number three step forward"

I hate all of those. Usually when in that order.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 16:15, 5 replies)

I love RAS syndrome
Sometimes people use an acronym alongside the words already contained in the acronym. Examples include:

- PIN number (personal identification number number)
- UPC code (universal product code code)
- CSS style sheets (cascading style sheets style sheets)

This is called RAS syndrome (redundant acronym syndrome syndrome).
( Curis, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:24, 6 replies)

We must have done this topic before

Because one b3tan (sorry, I can't remember which one) introduced me to a few phrases which have become some of my favourites, and can - when used confidently - pass without notice at any meeting full of twats:

"Look, it's not rocket surgery."
"Good, now we're all singing from a level playing field" or conversely "now we're all playing on a level hymn sheet"

They even sound right! Try one today.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:08, 8 replies)

Me mam used to say this everytime she dropped a bottom-burp;
"My farts smell of roses."

No they fucking don't. They make me gag.

So I comeback with the retort of "Yes, roses covered in shit."
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Win-Win

But what if you're wrong-wrong and it goes bad-bad?

You cunt-cunt.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 11:46, 5 replies)

Reprise on the "4" theme.
There's a post down there about the misuse of the figure "4" to stand for "for". It's a horrible trend.

But I've seen worse. In Stoke, there's a cheap'n'nasty cosmetics shop called "Parfums 4 Vous". It's possibly the most imbecilic thing in England.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:38, 11 replies)

Annoying Phrases?

Worst has to be:

"TIME, GENTLEMEN PLEASE"

Makes me want to cry. But leads me on to a story about a pub I used to drink in in the 80s. Closing time back then was 10:30.

"TIME, GENTLEMEN PLEASE" yelled the landlord.

"HALF-PAST TEN!!!" yelled the crowd. "Funny fuckers" muttered landlord.

So, after a few weeks of this he changed to:

"CAN YOU SEE YOUR GLASSES OFF PLEASE"

And 200 drunk rockers would yell:

"BYE-BYE GLASS"

Then, my favourite. Took a bit of co-ordination but was worth it.

"CAN I HAVE YOUR GLASSES NOW PLEASE" yelled landlord

and 200 drunken punters buried him in a pile of 10p plastic sunglasses.

"GET OUT - YOU'RE ALL BARRED"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 5:43, Reply)

Where to start?
1) "Turns around", when used by someone recounting a conversation. "So she turns around and says 'Up yours', so I turn around and say 'You can't turn around to me and say 'Up yours'', so she turns around and says" etc. Who are these people who attempt to conduct entire conversations with their backs to each other?

2) Any word apparently invented purely for use in piss-awful celebrity magazines bought to gawp at whilst cramming a 'Meal Deal' down the throat over lunch. Examples include 'Bromance', 'Frienemies' and any portmanteau of two names, e.g. Brangelina, Jedward. This may mark me out as a collosal snob, however in my defence these magazines are absolutely fucking shit.

3) 'Could'/'Help'/'Fight'/'Could help fight' in the context of crooked adverts for ropey health products, e.g. "Rubbing our unique Bosweloxidentospunk formula into your skin every night for the rest of your life could help fight the signs of aging", "Eating Miserybix for breakfast every day could help fight colesterol". Well, yes. And me spending five minutes less a day knocking one out to Norktube.com could help fight global warming, but I don't see the Nobel committee awarding me anything. Despite numerous emails.

4) Endogenous. Learnt it in AS-Level Economics years ago. Still hate it. Makes me think of mucky cocks for some reason.
(costas, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:40, 8 replies)

My least favourite words
"Irreverent" - Word for funny things used by people who feel personally affronted by anyone laughing at the establishment.
"Overrated" - The adult version of "I'm right, everyone else is wrong, so there!"
"Azure" - The word bad poets use when they mean "Blue"
"Literally" - Obvious, but still annoying
"Ironic" - Obvious enough to be tedious now. Why can't people rediscover the word "apt"? Surely being shorter makes it easier to use.
"Political correctness" - Usage acts as clear indicator of utter bollocks in argument.
"simples" - The worst pervasion of a marketing catchphrase since Ferrero Rocher in the early 90s.
"seminal" and other hyperbolic reviewer-speak language
....but the worst has to be the use of "brand", "industry", "customers" etc when talking about public services and the arts.
( Zuowan, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:39, 3 replies)

TEFL
Why would anyone want to teach English on the floor laughing?
(Burt Burt, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 16:41, 3 replies)

"last orders"
that one is always a dreadful shock to the system
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 16:10, 6 replies)

i like breasts

( broadsword now that's fresh, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 9:39, 20 replies)

Anybody have any phrases they do like?
My son when he was about 10 started doing what I called precise exaggeration.

"Well my (LEGO vehicle) is 3 million and 7 times better than yours."

"It's packed, there must be a million and two people in here."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 0:57, Reply)

I have been putting together a few project initiation documents recently
and decided it was time for a new 'buzz-phrase' at work. I have settled on 'Continuous Re-Assessment of Performance'

It has started to catch on. I have now seen it copied in another document and it has slipped into a couple of requirements documents as well. I am quite proud that this wonderful little phrase can apply to both system performance and team performance. It's universally applicable. I will be adding it to the benefits sections of all projects that I can as well!

I will have management talking CRAP in presentations by the middle of the summer!!!
( more balanced than jeremy beadle It wasn't me..., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:30, 2 replies)